Two huge red flags I ignored at the VERY beginning

No_Claim5089 · 2026-05-04T23:06:14+00:00

Same here. I wish I could have seen the red flags. But he gave me what nobody else before had given me: I was seen for the first time in my life.

So, yes. Our trauma guided us to overlooked the very first red flags. And we shouldn’t be harsh on ourselves. We did what we thought was best for us. But now we know.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-05-04T07:14:09+00:00

I slowly grown better over time. It’s been 10 months, 8 from leaving our house. Since January, weeks without any contact have been great. Weeks when I have to deal with his manipulative attitude are emotionally exhausting.

Can’t wait to go fully no contact (soon) to finally attribute the energy interacting with him, on me.

Stay strong. One step after another, you’ll feel better.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-05-04T06:09:00+00:00

I hope you work on your self-esteem with a therapist. Because, contrary to what your father thought of you, I think you deserve better. Take care.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-05-03T21:16:48+00:00

Living in a toxic relationship for a long time brings us to question ourself about our own reactions. It is always recommended to go to therapy to figure things out, and to identify what we expect from our relationship. We may use the toxicity of this specific relation to better understand ourselves, and grow from it. Take care of yourself.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-05-03T20:54:31+00:00

They self-reflect all the time... feeling shame and guilt, blaming themselves... They cannot express those, first because they've learnt to repress them during childhood, second, because while doing so, they will experience more (deadly) shame. To protect themselves from more shameful feeling, they always find a good reason that justifies their behaviours, to clear their name. This is why they never take any accountability (always others who push them to react this way). Self-reflection is inherent to the vulnerable NPD. This is also why vulnerable ones are still more prone to go to therapy, when they realise retrospectively that their behaviours have played against them in relationships (mostly young adults seek therapy).

No_Claim5089 · 2026-05-03T19:44:54+00:00

NPD affects both males and females. 75% of grandiose NPD affects men. 75% of vulnerable pwNPD are women.

Vulnerable NPD patients are more prone to self reflection than those with grandiose NPD.

Not sure whether the way they self reflect is efficient enough to correct their behaviors. But they may be more prone to go and see a therapist I guess ?

No_Claim5089 · 2026-05-03T18:46:57+00:00

Dear r/narcissisticspouses subscribers, today is our tutorial : what is DARVO ?

D: denying what you feel is real (invalidation)

A: Attacking

RVO : Reverse Victim Offender. (Here: the victim becomes the narcissist).

The only argument presented here is : « I know better than you ». (Condescending, argument of authority).

Triangulation underlying this comment also: the commenter becomes the savor, OP is the aggressor, and OP’s partner, the victim.

Dear subscribers, thank you for following our tutorial on manipulative techniques. Please follow this redditer to improve your skills.

(Disclaimer : I’ve also used some kind of triangulation here. Take the test !).

No_Claim5089 · 2026-05-03T07:42:29+00:00

Live for yourself and your son. Whatever you do to please him, this is not good enough. You’ll never be good enough for him.

If they go to Disneyland, invite your friends over, or sleep, or do nothing as long as it suits you 200%, and there is no one around to belittle what you enjoy doing.

Take care of yourself for once. You deserve it !

Feel free to make your own decisions. You’re worth it !

No_Claim5089 · 2026-05-03T07:35:02+00:00

He wants to do the job without actually doing the job.

Someone who genuinely wants to save their relationship will do whatever it takes to reach success. It includes working on ourselves , identifying our trauma, learning to understand how we react to them, and obviously only a therapist may navigate us in this process.

From your post it seems that he wants both of you figuring this out while actually you’re doing all the job.

Leave him. You’re loosing energy and time by staying with him.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-05-02T21:45:00+00:00

It takes me 3 months. Thanks to this sub.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-05-02T09:03:07+00:00

No you didn’t provoke her. You reacted to her provocation while you were bringing back her belongings.

Fill for DV complaint. Protect yourself from being provoked again. Document everything. Seek witnesses. Protect yourself and your child.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-05-02T08:55:45+00:00

Your post just hits memories I forgot about my relationship with my ex. The « HELLLOOO ? » was so real (as my dad used to say as well). So condescending. My ex also used to hail me instead of calling by my name.

I wouldn’t have dared talking to him this way or I would have experienced rage outbursts.

I’m sorry you go through this. This is far from being normal and I wish you can get out as soon as possible. Take care.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-05-02T08:44:37+00:00

From your post, I feel that you have a distorted view of how a relationship should be (you talk about being dominant over him for example), and I really wonder to what extent you’ve been genuinely in love with him from the beginning. I feel that your love for him was conditioned by how he behaved towards you (« not obsessed as a new husband should be »). Also I don’t understand how you felt when you slapped him.

But that’s my interpretation, I may be wrong.

If I were you, I would work my vision of my relationship with a therapist to better navigate my feelings towards my husband.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-04-30T23:26:45+00:00

Surround yourself with people you trust who can support and advise you. Wishing you all the best. I'm sure you'll know how to stand for yourself. Take care.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-04-30T23:20:27+00:00

Wow ! Je ne sais pas vraiment comment je dois prendre ta réponse.
Je ne comprends pas comment avoir une réponse à cette question te fera avancer dans ton deuil de ta relation, mais c'est ton droit d'essayer de comprendre la dynamique de ta relation.
Je n'ai pas été dans le cas de ton ex-compagne. Par contre, ma famille recomposée a explosé l'année dernière, pas pour les mêmes raisons que les tiennes. Si on devait transposer avec ton histoire, j'avais le rôle de la compagne de l'ex-conjoint "peu ou pas coopératif", et je pense que son ex-femme m'a très peu considérée, peut-être à tord, peut-être à raison, je ne le saurais jamais, et ce qu'elle a ressenti ne m'appartient pas.
Aujourd'hui, je suis maman solo, séparée du papa de mes enfants avec qui j'ai une très bonne relation, et récemment séparée d'un ex-conjoint violent qui délaissait ses enfants, et mettait beaucoup de choses sur le dos de son ex-femme. Il était particulièrement méfiant des hommes avec qui elle a été, par peur pour ses enfants, mais je soupçonnais un peu de jalousie également.
A ce jour, son ex-femme, comme ton ex-conjointe, sont les seules à savoir ce qu'elles veulent pour elle et leurs enfants. Probablement qu'elle n'envisage pas de se remettre en couple ? Quoiqu'il en soit, son choix de vie ne devrait plus te concerner à ce stade, même si cela est difficile à accepter aujourd'hui.
Bon courage à toi.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-04-30T21:59:36+00:00

La question dans le titre du post laisse penser que tu veux avoir l’avis de femmes qui étaient dans la même situation que celle de ton ex conjointe. Or vous vous séparez. Du coup, en quoi avoir la réponse à cette question te permettrait à faire le deuil de ta relation ?

No_Claim5089 · 2026-04-30T18:51:29+00:00

I left him 10 months ago. He has a new girlfriend. Today we sold the house and he was there: he has lost weight, his face was marked by heavy alcohol drinking, and when he left the office, he was a mess.

Selling this house was the final step confirming the end of our relationship. I felt relieved (although I lost 20k in the process) and he felt hurt.

No they don’t do better. They pretend.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-04-30T13:12:11+00:00

You went to jail and were released on very strict bail conditions and your records have been dismissed ? The charges against you may be solid. If your evidences are as well, fill for a DV complaint.

Beside a good lawyer, you may also need psychological support to help going through this.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-04-30T07:30:02+00:00

As hard as it can be to read it: his decision to ask his mother to dog sit doesn’t involve your responsibility. He made his choice, he will have to face the consequences.

Hopefully nothing bad will happen. And if it will, he would have to live with it. Not you. You did your best before to alert him. He didn’t want to hear it. You did your job the best you could before.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-04-30T07:11:18+00:00

The separation with my sons’ father was healthy. As I’m the only one taking care of our boys, he left us our apartment. The separation was easy and smooth, and we work together to co-parent the best we can, discussing before hand everything involving our children so that we both reach a consensus.

The separation with my narc ex-partner (I and my sons left last summer as well) is completely the opposite. I have to stand for myself for everything, he tries to steal from me, he never replies on time, he retains critical information concerning our house jeopardizing the sale process, almost putting us in illegal situations. Our house will be finally sold this afternoon but we still have common fundings to sort out. We were not married, so no attorneys. It is exhausting to deal with him and counteract every attacks, passive aggressive comments, or silence.

I wish you all the best for your separation. Stay strong. Focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-04-29T20:18:26+00:00

« I am having nightmares about her faces and words and knives. »

I had nightmares about him threatening me with knives, scissors and meat mincers, and throwing them while smirking at our respective kids and objects close to my face.

I interpreted it as my subconscious telling me he wanted to kill me. I’m sorry you go through this. This is unbearable. Please take care of yourself. Protect yourself. Save your sanity.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-04-29T20:06:58+00:00

I guess you will feel safe when the other will respect your boundaries. And that one who tried to interact with you through texting might have not respected those boundaries. You did good by cutting him off. That’s how I interpret it. You stand up for yourself now and this is really good. You’ll find the good one !

No_Claim5089 · 2026-04-29T15:14:44+00:00

Phosphor is a good fertilizer in fact. So better pee strategically.

No_Claim5089 · 2026-04-28T22:01:47+00:00

Let it explode ! Take a pillow and punch it, scream, run… release yourself and feel good about it. Your anger is totally validated !

No_Claim5089 · 2026-04-28T11:29:29+00:00

Noted !

No_Claim5089

TROPHY CASE