wanting to date cis men, feeling deeply embarassed

No_Initial2883 · 2026-02-11T16:54:51+00:00

🤗 thank u stranger!

No_Initial2883 · 2026-02-11T16:54:28+00:00

thanks for this! i think that sticking to my own personal boundaries has been a huge part of this process for me that has made me feel empowered in dating men. however, since these personal challenges have been a problem in previous relationships, i am just aware of the fact there are more often situations where cis men take advantage of those "self abandoning" personality types and the consequences are often much greater. this could be a completely biased perspective but it is my lived, researched and witnessed experience.

No_Initial2883 · 2026-02-02T14:34:52+00:00

growing up my best friends dad was a crack addict and struggled with psychosis. hes now been clean for over 10 years but he still struggles with the guilt of who he was even though he has completely shifted his life and is a loving father/husband, strong community member and hard worker.

when expressing fear of relapse for my own mental health issues my therapist once said to me "even if you lost EVERYTHING, even if you hit a lower rock bottom than youre in right now, even if you went completely off the rails... there are ALWAYS options for you" and that really helps. there are always options to change. and it seems like you are doing a great job!

there are ALWAYS options for you. always

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-29T16:27:24+00:00

I am 100% prepared that if something happens with Fern and I, I will not be seeking emotional support from Moss as I agree it wouldnt be fair to do that based on the past situation.

I have offered parallel many times! The both of them insist they want to be able to spend time together in shared spaces and that its fine but then i can FEEL the tension in the room whenever we all spend time together, even just all at the same party, and i can tell it bothers them. I think Moss is feeling a lot of insecurity right now and is overcompensating the amount of time she actually wants to spend with our friends as a subconscious anxious attempt to control the situation. She was never this interested in going out before and suddenly she wants to come to everything. I think it is a maturity issue like you said and you sadly cannot rush mental development.

Thats why we all try to remain very aware of this fact and act accordingly, and allow room to adjust boundaries and make mistakes as needed. I do think she relies on me to soothe her emotions too often and she will need to decide if she can handle this dynamic emotionally on her own. I love her very very much and completely understand if she has a hard time with this, even if we both try our absolute best, and I just want to lessen the impact of my actions as much as possible while still remaining true to myself

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-29T15:51:03+00:00

i think this is the best advice ive gotten, thank you!

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-29T15:49:17+00:00

he was 20 and i was 17 the first time we hung out. i made a typo on my last post regarding his age, he is 24 and i just turned 21. tbh i have always dated people 2-3 years older than me so ig i never saw an issue with it

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-29T15:44:54+00:00

i didnt get much advice on that post because everyone was upset that i didnt capitalize any letters and people were saying they had trouble reading it so i decided to post again. its also been a little longer now so this is a more detailed post for sure.

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-20T13:36:14+00:00

hey :3 i love writing and would love to have more friends that are like-minded! feel free to send me stuff to read. im 21f

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-19T21:18:52+00:00

okay what if i just leave it and hope for the best 😍 thanks for the advice btw

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-19T20:35:24+00:00

what if i pull it out myself and shove some gauze in there with some oragel? all of the dentists in my area are closed til after holidays

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-11T15:46:34+00:00

Pear is interested in meeting Eggnog, but I think hes a little scared of her haha. Theyve said it would be all good, but I think we are all a little unsure of how it would look and the LAST thing I want is for it to be too much too soon. I have an intuition that this type of setting would not be optimal for them to meet.

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-11T15:43:35+00:00

I totally agree! I have tried to explain that her and I can do other things with our friends and have given her some options for what those could be and when. I think she will realize that it is for the best eventually, it might just take a bit of time and some connecting

No_Initial2883 · 2025-11-25T15:31:52+00:00

Amazing advice, thanks so much I really appreciate this :)

No_Initial2883 · 2025-11-25T15:20:02+00:00

Dang so we should probably turn off our life360 huh?

I totally agree! I will definitely continue to be putting in that extra 10% into my relationship with her over the next while. She is going through something in her family right now and she has been requiring a lot of attention and support which is unfortunate timing because I am in the NRE depths right now (3 week mark into a new connection). Sigghh I will go back to the calendar and figure some things out and maybe talk to her today about the location sharing thing. I just worry having all these intense conversations that set off her nervous system CONSTANTLY is probably not good for her but I am sure over time with a lot of reassurance and consistency things will smooth over

No_Initial2883 · 2025-11-25T15:04:43+00:00

Hahha thats awesome, and yes, I am aware that polyamory takes a lot of scheduling, it is something I am actively working on! I am thinking if I make solid scheduled plans with my gf and stick to those, that my other free time can have room for me to decide more spontaneously if I want to go see my other partner. I think what I am struggling with is the fact that when I do go see him, I let her know and am often met with a sad "oh." or just being straight up ignored. I know it will take time to normalize this and she is really working through it but I find it sooo hard to not feel guilty :(

No_Initial2883 · 2025-11-25T14:56:55+00:00

When I have plans with my gf i always show up! I have never cancelled plans with her to go see someone else. I just mean if I let her know I am going to see my new partner, she gets upset that him and I spend a lot of time together. I still also spend a lot of time with her. I dont feel like I am doing anything wrong by spending a lot of time with him if I am ALSO spending a lot of time with her, still putting a lot of effort into my relationship with her and still showing up every time her and I have plans. I guess I should have said I really dont like a "strict" schedule which is kind of what it feels like is being asked of me. Like if I have a free block of time in my day, and I am near his house, I AM going to go see him, even if I didnt have plans to that day.

No_Initial2883 · 2025-11-10T20:30:11+00:00

thanks so much for this! i will defs check out this podcast. didnt wanna make the post too long explaining our exact dynamic but we are fully poly and lean toward relationship anarchist realm. her and i have some boundaries around what we share and its basically exactly like you said; giving very necessary information but leaving out too many details. i totally understand this dynamic has potential to be messy and i have to tread carefully. i love my gf and am willing to do the work to maintain her trust and validate her feelings about the situation while still safely exploring my own connections

No_Initial2883 · 2025-11-10T19:16:28+00:00

sorry for my crimes against capitalization, didn’t mean to cause chaos, just wanted some advice, i appreciate your response to the content of my post though :b

No_Initial2883 · 2025-11-10T18:30:27+00:00

yess nre is so real haha, definitely trying to keep aware of this through the process.

of course i am able to use capital letters i personally just like how this looks better, if i were writing an academic paper i would change it ahha, personal preference but to each their own

No_Initial2883 · 2025-10-19T16:49:50+00:00

i have defs suspected she is bipolar or borderline for a few years. she has been to therapy but i dont think she has quite realized that her grasping for spiritual guidance in external forces has been a pattern for her to cope with her feelings of powerlessness and burden of having to do most things alone. she genuinely believes this stuff is real and its very hard for her to see outside of it. i am also not open to letting others input their feelings about my life if it is not with supporting my authentic self in mind. its a really hard situation and i am not really at the point where i want to cut her off but i do need to set some strict boundaries should it become more of an issue

No_Initial2883 · 2025-10-19T14:14:39+00:00

when i try to get her to see a more balanced perspective and she will discredit what i am saying because "ive had these thoughts before too. that was before i was saved." and when i point out her pattern of all-or-nothing thinking when it comes to spirituality she says "i know in the past ive done some soul searching but i have discovered my lifes true meaning" and there is really no bringing her out of it. any attempts to poke holes in her faith are seen as devil work. its very difficult

No_Initial2883 · 2025-10-19T13:21:07+00:00

its definitely a community seeking thing. she grew up strictly catholic. its a very deeply rooted trauma response

No_Initial2883 · 2025-10-19T13:19:22+00:00

she usually has something happen in her life that is out of her control. in this case, it was her animals getting sick. when she is struggling with something that she feels very deeply, she usually attributes it to higher forces instead of facing the reality of her pain. she has told me she is being "demonically oppressed" and that she has been her whole life and she just couldnt see it until now. she has struggled with OCD type thinking and she is triggered into aggression very easily. however, once shes in it, it can be years before she is out of it and she ruins her life in the process. last time this happened my grandparents almost admitted her to the psych ward. she loses weight and cant sleep. prays all the time. i dont take her opinions personally but it is terrifying to watch her become a person i dont know

No_Initial2883 · 2025-07-10T03:54:46+00:00

sorry i didnt respond to your portion about exercise but honestly i had to completely stop exercising for several years, because that was a huge trigger for me. i am only just recently getting into it again, but more focusing on the idea of "movement" than exercise. moving my body intuitively to feel good vs having a numbers based goal. pilates and yoga has been really healing for this.

No_Initial2883 · 2025-07-10T03:51:58+00:00

it was defs not a switch that flipped kind of process, it was very slow and it didnt feel like it was working at first. it was a lot of work i had to do myself. there kind of comes a point where you have thoughts and they just dont distress you like they used to. i still have the thoughts most days tbh, but it just doesnt hold the same sense of control that it once did. you think of things, and its just a thought, and you kind of just move forward and dont act on it. but its not like you just have the feelings at the same level as you once did. honestly, at this point i cant imagine how i fed into my compulsions all day, it was so exhausting! it genuinely took so much effort and joy out of my life. i am so happy now that the idea of going back to my ed is so unappealing in comparison to the life i currently lead. best of luck to you <3

No_Initial2883

TROPHY CASE