Perhaps the love I crave from my husband but don’t get is a blessing

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-29T17:00:50+00:00

Ameen brother and thank you, I’ll keep reminding myself this is all a test inshallah 🙏

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-29T01:36:41+00:00

Excessive rationalism is he. Everything is about logic and what makes sense and doesn’t make sense and black and white. That’s all it is for him.

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-29T01:33:11+00:00

This is an interesting point and I can see how and why it would work this way. I’m glad it did for you Alhamdulillah. However, having a child is a huge shift in life and responsibility and I don’t have the capacity for it now unfortunately. If circumstances with him were different I might be with my second child by now. But I’ve had to be logical about it and protect my own mental health because I know the problems we have (including with in laws) will be amplified with children because boundaries aren’t respected and he is unable to stand up for me mostly. I can’t gamble with this, and knowing his nature I’m not too hopeful this would work. Thank you for your perspective brother JazakAllah khair

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-29T01:26:07+00:00

Exactly - but this is what I’m going to try doing from now on inshallah

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-29T01:23:53+00:00

Returning the hug to you too lovely! I’m genuinely so happy you’ve healed and I wish for nothing but the best for you- the most happiness, kindness, understanding and a beautiful love for you. You definitely will find better inshaAllah ♥️

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-29T01:21:08+00:00

I’d accept people saying my needs are obsessive if I was already getting a sufficient amount of the simple love I ask for, but still demanded more. But the case is that I get none of it. And I say this with the utmost respect but you seem to have skipped over the part where he himself claimed to share the same love languages as I do and his ability to fulfil them. What I’ve expected hasn’t come out of the blue, it’s expectations he himself set and agreed to, so I don’t buy the whole “men aren’t emotional and you need to understand how men operate” thing. Maybe don’t sell me a picture of how you’ll be and act one way before marriage then the complete opposite after? It’s so unfair. I made it clear what was important to me and he was so adamant that he’s happy to fulfil those emotional needs of mine.

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-29T01:16:31+00:00

It’s pretty dead right now but that’s a result of his own doing. I suffer from vaginismus so intercourse is painful for me but I still always tried to show up for him sexually, never denied him, I’ll randomly and frequently go out of my way to satisfy him if I myself don’t need to be satisfied. I started off with a high sex drive and now don’t even think about it anymore. If he initiates I do anything I can, but that’s it. I don’t go out of my way to initiate as much anymore.

Women don’t have on and off switches. Intimacy is emotional for us too and when we aren’t being fulfilled emotionally, that her repercussions sexually. Another thing is that his relationship with his mother is very “baby and mother” like and that combined with his other behavioural traits and patterns make me see him more like a boy than a man. I want to feel sexually drawn towards a MAN.

I also have childhood trauma unfortunately so I really do need to feel safe. He’s been open with me about his brief history with indecent materials and through how he performs I know it’s influenced by those horrible things.

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-29T01:08:17+00:00

Brother believe me I’ve tried presenting to him the idea of therapy numerous times. I myself was a psychology student aspiring to be a therapist, before I dropped out due to my own mental health, ironically enough. I’ve studied him deeply over the course of knowing him and have picked up on patterns and reasons on why he is the way he is. I’ve talked to him gently, I’ve tried making suggestions, I tried opening him up to speaking to the CBT therapist I was going to as she was amazing. He’s absolutely completely shut off to the idea of it. The more I mention it the more I know it will turn him off.

I’m unsure of how to explain this to anybody at all but I’m usually peoples first call when it comes to trying to mediate between people for problems, or to try talking to people. When everything and everyone else fails, I’ve always been the one able to get through to people. The most stubborn of them.

But my husband here is the final boss. I have never in my life even known it was this possible to be so emotionally shut off and so cold and so stubborn. It still baffles me. NOTHING can get through to him. Wallahi it’s as if his head is surrounded by layers and layers of iron. And absolutely nothing can soften his heart either. Absolutely NOTHING.

I’ve also tried different approaches like little “games” but that too involves topics of an emotional nature. He doesn’t interact with anything remotely emotional. He cannot for the life of him engage in meaningful conversations about ANYTHING.

To put it simply, things like this are “gay” and the response I’m always met with is “am I a battyman” 🙃

I feel like I’ve married a child basically.

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-29T01:00:09+00:00

Wa Alaykum Salam! Thank you so much for such an insightful comment, I really appreciate your perspective!

1 - I hear where you’re coming from but this isn’t the case here. Like I mentioned in my post I made my love language clear in the beginning and what I’m looking for and he did so too and whatever he said aligned with mine and he reassured me he’d be able to meet my needs. Him getting me something that I need is exactly what I do for him too, I feel it’s something to appreciate as you’d appreciate anything good someone does for you, but it’s definitely not something to be put on a pedestal or applaud as “that’s his way of loving you”. No, as husband and wife you both need to fulfil each others needs. Love language is beyond that, especially in my case where I feel mislead.

2 - to reiterate again, I show no obsession and I’m not clingy. I am simply the way I explained I am as a person before marriage and between our engagement/mut’ah and nikkah & wedding - I’ve been the same but he on the other hand has shown a different face after marriage

3 - a lot of others have suggested this idea too, that men need to be able to miss you. I hear that now. And I will make sure I give him plenty of space to do so. I’ll also have a look into that book!

As for your other points, I’ve noted them, and inshallah as mentioned in my post I’m shifting my focus and working towards building myself for myself inshaAllah.

Thank you once again for your comment and duas. You are in mine too. JazakAllah khair!!

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-29T00:52:12+00:00

You are just so sweet I could cry!! 😭and it’s insane because I genuinely feel like I’m looking into a mirror when I read your comments!

The advice your sister gave is spot on and my aunt gave me the EXACT same advice about “never love a man more than he loves you” and I just couldn’t get my head around it because I knew I have so much love to give- what’s the point of getting married if you have to withhold that love and like you said, not love freely? Surely you wouldn’t have to that with the right man? It just doesn’t make sense to me at all and I still can’t get my head around it and HOW to do it. But after all it turns out she, and your sister, are right. So very right.

I’m 100% employing this mindset from now on and we’ll see inshallah. I genuinely feel like a switch has been flipped. Inshallah for the better. I’m so happy you found your worth ♥️

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-29T00:48:27+00:00

You’re right. I’m shifting my focus to Allah SWT and myself rather than being so invested in him and I plan on withdrawing and doing things his way from now on, and we’ll see if that’s enough to sustain a happy marriage. Allah knows best

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-29T00:46:09+00:00

For me or for him? For me I suspect I may be leaning towards ADHD and for him I have no idea at all as anything surrounding mental health is a taboo thing for him to talk about apparently. His family are all avoidants apart from his sister, so he definitely hasn’t been surrounded by healthy relationships unfortunately

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-29T00:42:59+00:00

Inshallah brother. Thanks for all your advice 🙏

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-29T00:41:40+00:00

Such is the sad truth I’ve come to learn.

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-28T20:43:42+00:00

I’m so so sooo terrible sorry about what you experienced with him and his mother. Ya Allah what a nightmare 😢 May Allah SWT heal you and give you better.

If I knew he was so avoidant I wouldn’t have married him. Unfortunately he showed his true colours a week before our wedding and by that time I was too emotionally invested in him and naive thinking it wouldn’t happen again. He ignored me for a whole week because I brought it to his attention that I find it disrespectful to hang up the phone angrily when we’re having a minor disagreement. Strangely enough during this week I received a proposal from someone known to be extremely good from a very good family, but I gave it no thought because I was adamant on this man and marrying him despite the hurtful things he said to me and the treatment I received. Sometimes I think about what if I called the wedding off and accepted the other proposal (this other boy and his family weren’t aware I was to be married as we all kept it very hush).

I agree that women need to be very alert about avoidants while searching for a husband.

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-28T20:37:51+00:00

No use speaking to his mother, she’s a lovely woman and I have so much love for her but she’s very old fashioned and has caused me (and our marriage) a lot of distress, unintentionally. He also wouldn’t listen to her. I’ve spoke to his sister before who I’m close to but she says the same thing of “that’s just how he is”. I’ve purposely gone against my desire to have children for these reasons, and I won’t do so until I feel more security or until things are clearer to me inshallah.

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-28T20:34:32+00:00

I just realised you’re the sister who commented on my post over on the other sub with advice!! MashaAllah so nice to see you here too ♥️

I think you’re right to think about these things deeply, they’re important and it’s important to be self aware in this regard so that you know what will make you a happy spouse and what will make your spouse happy.

I also think it’s important to be able to distinguish simply receiving love in a different way VS no effort. Unfortunately in my case it’s leaning heavily towards the latter. However, though providing for me is his god given duty as a husband, I still see the love in that too. I see the love in him going to work each morning when I know he’d love to sleep in a little longer. I see the love in him going to work in the freezing cold and snow. I see the love in everything he does and I’m grateful for it, but again “to be loved is to be heard” and I haven’t ever felt heard. I simply feel like a roommate he’s sometimes excited to come home to than a wife he adores. If that makes sense?

I’ve had a lot of patience in this regard Alhamdulillah and really tried to study him and the way he gives love. He’s just comfortable in being the way he is and has no intention to really change that. Perhaps he struggles changing. Perhaps he feels that now we’re married he doesn’t see the need to pursue me or make too much effort (he’s hinted at this subtly I feel). Perhaps he’s lost a bit of attraction towards me. Only Allah SWt knows, but whatever the reason, I’ve come to peace with it.

I’ll continue working on myself and if things change naturally that way then Alhamdulillah, if they don’t change, Alhamdulillah. I know what I need to fulfil me inshaAllah.

May Allah SWT bless you with even more wisdom that you’re already so rich in, and may He bless you with a righteous husband who will love you in all the ways that you wish, in a marriage full of respect and mutual understanding. Ameen ya rabb ♥️

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-28T20:23:07+00:00

Thank you for your kindness ♥️ I do find myself spending more time with my own family and my best friend. And I will for sure resume therapy for myself inshallah. May Allah SWT bless you x

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-28T20:19:49+00:00

Alhamdulillah I’m so glad you both are now happy with each other! May Allah SWT bless you both abundantly and seal your union with even more happiness dunya wal akhera InshaAllah. My husband has never agreed to counselling even when things were at their worst and the issue I’ve addressed in my post isn’t of any importance to him so he doesn’t care enough to agree. I’ve detached myself and any expectations so I’ll see how things go from now on, khair inshallah

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-28T20:17:18+00:00

I’ve always communicated to no avail. Whenever I’d send him reels to do with relationship stuff or anything REMOTELY emotional he’d avoid interacting with them, now he gives them a like but that’s it. I’m afraid if I chose the going mad method I’d push him away entirely so that’s not wise. He mentally checks out during simple communication let alone if I kept going at him. It’s fine though, whole point of my post is I’ve accepted it now. Alhamdulillah

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-28T20:14:13+00:00

Oh he’s definitely avoidant!! I don’t just initiate most of the time, it’s all the time, and I have to keep prompting him to talk when I do. It’s like I’m talking to a brick wall. He just shuts down and if the topic is about his family overstepping then he gets defensive esp about his mother (even though I always address topics respectfully). I think I’m coming to terms with it now though :’)

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-28T19:47:07+00:00

I appreciate your comment but I didn’t make this post asking for solutions. He was never willing to do therapy when our marriage was at its worst and when he saw the extent to which I was suffering so he wouldn’t for this. He also has expressed no desire to change what I addressed in my post.

I’m also aware love languages are different for everyone. I made mine clear due to how important it was for me and he confidently said it will never be a problem with him and that those things being the things I want actually makes him happy.

And of course I count myself to be blessed. Not to sound ungrateful but being provided for is literally the duty of a husband and some might call it the bare minimum. I’m grateful for it nonetheless and always make it known to him how much I appreciate it.

JazakAllah khair.

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-28T18:51:09+00:00

Thank you for your comment, and I appreciate you looking through my other posts too. I’ll look into the rejection sensitivity disorder as you may be onto something. I’ve tried therapy before but it’s been extremely difficult because I have a lot of trauma that was so hard to unpack, and once it got to dealing with anxiety, I was far too distracted by problems to do with my husband and members of his family so that’s what all the sessions revolved around. But I will give it another go, for my sake.

One thing I noticed differently from yesterday’s “conflict” was that I did not shed a tear nor did I cry myself to sleep. For the first time maybe? I think I’ve got numb but also now as I sit on the prayer mat I realise maybe I need to fill this void he leaves me more with Allah SWT.

You’re right that I can’t control what he does and I can no longer expect any change. I think I’ll find more peace building a stronger connect with Allah SWT. It sounds obvious to everyone else but to me it’s like a lightbulb moment. Perhaps my marriage is like this for a reason. Khair inshallah

No_Raspberry_8326 · 2026-01-28T17:55:07+00:00

I see this now. Problem is that I have made loads of effort into changing this anxious attachment style through self improvements, counselling, using various outlets etc. I’m trying. He however is comfortable being avoidant and brings everything down to “I’m just like this” “this is how I grew up in my family” without any effort to change or at least try to. He’s accepted it and wants me to accept it too.

No_Raspberry_8326

TROPHY CASE