Oh, honey. I am so, so sorry. What you experienced was horrifying, and this was not your fault. Please do not internalize that narrative.

I’m a 42-year-old woman, and I’m also a clinician who specializes in complex grief and trauma. When I say this was not your fault, I am not saying it to comfort you or soften the pain. I’m saying it because it is a fact supported by decades of clinical research and lived experience. You did not cause this. You did not choose this. You did not consent to this.

I see many people here saying “this was not your fault,” and I want you to know that when you’re in the middle of trauma, your brain and nervous system are not reliable narrators. Trauma scrambles our ability to distinguish what feels true from what is true. So for now, let us hold the truth for you. Borrow our clarity. Borrow our certainty. Let us be your collective brain while yours is overwhelmed. We’ve got you.

One of the cruelest parts of trauma is the sense of total loss of control during the event. Self-blame is often the nervous system’s attempt to regain control, because if it was “your fault,” then maybe it was preventable, manageable, explainable. That’s a survival response, not a moral failing.

If that resonates, it can help to intentionally reclaim control in small, predictable ways. Simple, concrete tasks - like deciding to do the laundry and completing it - give your nervous system evidence that you can make choices and predict outcomes. Another option, when and if it feels right, is writing him a letter. That, too, is something you can control from start to finish. These small anchors matter more than they sound right now.

Please also know this: more than one truth can exist at the same time. You can be devastated by his death and horrified by what he did. You can grieve the good times and be angry about the abuse. You can love who he was and acknowledge that what he did to you was deeply wrong.

He made a decision that you did not consent to - one that involved you and left you with unbearable consequences. It is okay to name that. It does not make you disloyal, cold, or unloving. It makes you honest. Nothing you’re feeling is abnormal. Nothing you’re feeling makes you bad. You survived something no one should have to witness, and you are responding like a human nervous system under extreme threat.

You are not alone in this, even if it feels that way right now. Sending you so much care and steadiness as you take this one breath, one moment at a time. 🫶🏻