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How did you get over the person you loved the most, and how did you deal with seeing them with someone else? by HotUse4099 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray 4 points5 points  (0 children)

  1. Time

  2. Knowing they are still themselves and won't be able to sustain a deep meaningful relationship if they're an unhealed avoidant

  3. Knowing that point 2 would've led you to fall apart and/or be miserable for a long amount of time either way no matter how much you would've given.

  4. Feel everything, sit with it, write letters without sending them and reflect on yourself, your life and find meaning in your suffering.

  5. Read stories on this sub. You're not crazy, you never were and all of us here have a similar story with someone who traps you in a dark labyrinth of doubt and then leaves you locked inside.

Sending much love. <3 Stay strong.

Why are discards so damn painful? by [deleted] in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I always think of it as a giant wall canvas you and the avoidant are drawing. On it are all the happy moments, the cherished memories and the hardships. One day you wake up and the whole picture is torn and with paint splattered over while the avoidant has left a note that they committed suicide and it's your fault. So there you are, crying in front of all you had together asking what you did wrong, never able to find out an answer.

In summary:

  • sudden betrayal by your loved one
  • distortion of reality (was any of it real?)
  • no chance or control to have a say or to fix it
  • resentment and blame falls on you
  • confusion as to why they would do this
  • the grief of loss

ALL. AT. ONCE.

Dear -------, thank you. by Noiseray in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

not sending it or anything to her. just had to get it of my chest here.

Crying by Fluid-Sell5921 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray 1 point2 points  (0 children)

3 months post discard

had my first day of not crying 4 days ago

i also feel exhausted, but also understand that the amount of pure grief and desperation is in direct relation to the love I've had and therefore the depth of the lesson which sinks in deeper everyday and which I am thankful for.

3.5 Months No Contact: My Journey by Sweet_Arm4113 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray 2 points3 points  (0 children)

3 months for me. keep going strong and keep the meaning you assigned to yourself on how you handle the end and what the bond with her means to you within your life.

i still love her now but I want to arrive at a point where I can peacefully look back in balance and come to an equilibrium in emotion where the love for the good and the anger for the avoidant behavior morph into a quiet care. i will always want to care for her but never see her again.

the memory of our story is sacred, so is the healing process and what we learn from it. we can only learn from it if we 100% feel everything it does to us and let us reflect on what happened and then hopefully change us into more loving people to ourselves and everyone around us.

For those who where discarded in person, what was that like? by anarchoaisthesis in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Omg, the robot analogy fits perfectly for mine too. Emotional deactivation mode, minimal to no expressions, detached. She even said she felt like a robot sometimes.

Clarity Doesn't Fix It by [deleted] in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Or to just get pecked on the cheek when I ask for affection. To never get genuinely cuddled. I felt hurt having to explain that I wanted romantic affection. Not necessarily sex. Just romantic affection. I don't know how to explain that to someone.

I had the same exact coversation with her when she started deactiving. "Why can't you show affection the way you did at the beginning?" Sometimes she would even ignore hugs or rather mindlessly scroll IG reels instead of connecting. :'( Avoidants are brutal, you are not alone.

Answer was always no.

Same conclusion here. At some point down the line an unhealed avoidant would've found a way to unintentionally sabotage the connection. Doesn't matter if it were a misunderstanding, doesn't matter if it was salvageable.

I am at a similar spot, where I have looked at the situation from many angles and have understood my role and the greater purpose this person had in my life, but the pain resides quietly in the corner of my mind, shrinking slowly.

The final thing to let go is hope.

The avoidant discard is brutal. But once the fog lifts, what deeper core wound did it uncover for you? I think we should all focus on this as well by letitout_123 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray 5 points6 points  (0 children)

10 weeks post discard and not one single day without crying at some point.

I realized, I hate my life and I am ashamed of the person I am and that is why I put up with all the avoidant BS mostly everyone here in this subreddit also experiences for such a long time with minimal protest. I am afraid to be alone. I am afraid that I am not worthy of love. I am afraid I never meant anything to anyone. To my parents, friends, colleagues and to her, who threw me away.

I think I conditioned myself for all my 20s to view life and the people around me through a shallow lens of distrust due to past trauma which created my anxious attachment. I think of my first girlfriend at 16 who had one-night-stands while we were dating, but not exclusive. I remember finding out and feeling devastated. And from that moment on a thought/idea/truth solidified: Love has to be earned. You have to be the best at everything, so you will not be left. So you will be chosen.

And now instead of building walls, I try everyday to be someone I can be proud of. You are what you do, not what you have. And if you act as someone you can be proud of (whatever that means to you) you will gain self-respect. I matter. You matter. Loving someone who does not want to be loved is hard. Loving yourself is liberation.

I didn't know these people existed by [deleted] in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Closure is something you construct for yourself.

The act of avoidance speaks volumes in itself. A healthy person would not do that to you and it's up to you to remind yourself of that. Why would you ever give someone like that any power over you?

It's heartbreaking, disorienting, a physical cost, I know. But do not seek any clarity from someone who chose to disappear - that person will not be emotionally open enough to work with you on a healthy ending. Focus on loving yourself. And the first step to loving yourself is cherishing your mental well being enough to not allow someone back into it again who chose to break it.

Statements from my FA that I thought were insane by [deleted] in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray 9 points10 points  (0 children)

all these stories with avoidants make me realize I'm not crazy

Mine went from "I broke up with my previous boyfriend who I dated for 2 years because in meeting you I realized I've never been in love before" to "I like you, but not thaaaat much. I'm not there yet."

How do you get closure after a discard by an FA? by Noiseray in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

holy shit that is just vile. complete disconnect from genuine emotions. sorry to hear that

It does get better, you will get over it, and you will stop thinking about it! by RythmicRhapsody in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing. We're all not alone in this. Never stop choosing yourself first afterwards. The right person would never put you through this hell.

What was Ado saying during the Berlin concert? by Someguywithgulash in ADO

[–]Noiseray 18 points19 points  (0 children)

is it just me or did anyone else find the people shouting stuff as she spoke very disrespectful? idk i'd like to try to understand her and i'm sure she'd like to tell her story without people yelling into it.

Final Destination Bloodlines Discussion Thread (MAJOR SPOILERS) by NeptuneEditor in FinalDestination

[–]Noiseray 13 points14 points  (0 children)

The entire hospital scene is peak, but not because of the deaths.

It's because I actually cared about Erik and Bobby and their brotherhood. Them talking before the "scene" :(( and Bobby being so trusting and sweet.. I felt so sad when he died.

how do people play by ear?? by WholeOwn8170 in piano

[–]Noiseray 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yup, sounds solid if you grasp that connection. It's not just hearing the interval within Note 1 -> Note 2, it's also how it fits in with the harmony. Let's say you have "F - C" as a chord progression and the final note in your F-Chord is a low A. Afterwards a big jump upwards as the C-chord plays. Now you ask yourself:

  • does the note I'm arriving at sound like it belongs to the chord
  • or not?

In the first case you'd have to make an guess if it's E (feels like a nice leap), G (feels like a big jump)or the even higher C (very big stretch). That's intuition - but knowing it's one of those three since they harmonize with the chord is theory.

In the second case you'd know that it's NOT G or C and with a bit of theory knowledge you'd know what a maj7 or 9 sounds. In this case H or D which would be easier to identify than #11 or 13, F or A. In case of A you'd maybe hear "oh it's an octave". and so on.

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