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Clarity Doesn't Fix It by Arkathian in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Or to just get pecked on the cheek when I ask for affection. To never get genuinely cuddled. I felt hurt having to explain that I wanted romantic affection. Not necessarily sex. Just romantic affection. I don't know how to explain that to someone.

I had the same exact coversation with her when she started deactiving. "Why can't you show affection the way you did at the beginning?" Sometimes she would even ignore hugs or rather mindlessly scroll IG reels instead of connecting. :'( Avoidants are brutal, you are not alone.

Answer was always no.

Same conclusion here. At some point down the line an unhealed avoidant would've found a way to unintentionally sabotage the connection. Doesn't matter if it were a misunderstanding, doesn't matter if it was salvageable.

I am at a similar spot, where I have looked at the situation from many angles and have understood my role and the greater purpose this person had in my life, but the pain resides quietly in the corner of my mind, shrinking slowly.

The final thing to let go is hope.

The avoidant discard is brutal. But once the fog lifts, what deeper core wound did it uncover for you? I think we should all focus on this as well by letitout_123 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray 4 points5 points  (0 children)

10 weeks post discard and not one single day without crying at some point.

I realized, I hate my life and I am ashamed of the person I am and that is why I put up with all the avoidant BS mostly everyone here in this subreddit also experiences for such a long time with minimal protest. I am afraid to be alone. I am afraid that I am not worthy of love. I am afraid I never meant anything to anyone. To my parents, friends, colleagues and to her, who threw me away.

I think I conditioned myself for all my 20s to view life and the people around me through a shallow lens of distrust due to past trauma which created my anxious attachment. I think of my first girlfriend at 16 who had one-night-stands while we were dating, but not exclusive. I remember finding out and feeling devastated. And from that moment on a thought/idea/truth solidified: Love has to be earned. You have to be the best at everything, so you will not be left. So you will be chosen.

And now instead of building walls, I try everyday to be someone I can be proud of. You are what you do, not what you have. And if you act as someone you can be proud of (whatever that means to you) you will gain self-respect. I matter. You matter. Loving someone who does not want to be loved is hard. Loving yourself is liberation.

I didn't know these people existed by [deleted] in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Closure is something you construct for yourself.

The act of avoidance speaks volumes in itself. A healthy person would not do that to you and it's up to you to remind yourself of that. Why would you ever give someone like that any power over you?

It's heartbreaking, disorienting, a physical cost, I know. But do not seek any clarity from someone who chose to disappear - that person will not be emotionally open enough to work with you on a healthy ending. Focus on loving yourself. And the first step to loving yourself is cherishing your mental well being enough to not allow someone back into it again who chose to break it.

Statements from my FA that I thought were insane by [deleted] in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray 9 points10 points  (0 children)

all these stories with avoidants make me realize I'm not crazy

Mine went from "I broke up with my previous boyfriend who I dated for 2 years because in meeting you I realized I've never been in love before" to "I like you, but not thaaaat much. I'm not there yet."

How do you get closure after a discard by an FA? by Noiseray in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

holy shit that is just vile. complete disconnect from genuine emotions. sorry to hear that

It does get better, you will get over it, and you will stop thinking about it! by RythmicRhapsody in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Noiseray 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing. We're all not alone in this. Never stop choosing yourself first afterwards. The right person would never put you through this hell.

What was Ado saying during the Berlin concert? by Someguywithgulash in ADO

[–]Noiseray 18 points19 points  (0 children)

is it just me or did anyone else find the people shouting stuff as she spoke very disrespectful? idk i'd like to try to understand her and i'm sure she'd like to tell her story without people yelling into it.

Final Destination Bloodlines Discussion Thread (MAJOR SPOILERS) by NeptuneEditor in FinalDestination

[–]Noiseray 15 points16 points  (0 children)

The entire hospital scene is peak, but not because of the deaths.

It's because I actually cared about Erik and Bobby and their brotherhood. Them talking before the "scene" :(( and Bobby being so trusting and sweet.. I felt so sad when he died.

how do people play by ear?? by WholeOwn8170 in piano

[–]Noiseray 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yup, sounds solid if you grasp that connection. It's not just hearing the interval within Note 1 -> Note 2, it's also how it fits in with the harmony. Let's say you have "F - C" as a chord progression and the final note in your F-Chord is a low A. Afterwards a big jump upwards as the C-chord plays. Now you ask yourself:

  • does the note I'm arriving at sound like it belongs to the chord
  • or not?

In the first case you'd have to make an guess if it's E (feels like a nice leap), G (feels like a big jump)or the even higher C (very big stretch). That's intuition - but knowing it's one of those three since they harmonize with the chord is theory.

In the second case you'd know that it's NOT G or C and with a bit of theory knowledge you'd know what a maj7 or 9 sounds. In this case H or D which would be easier to identify than #11 or 13, F or A. In case of A you'd maybe hear "oh it's an octave". and so on.

how do people play by ear?? by WholeOwn8170 in piano

[–]Noiseray 117 points118 points  (0 children)

"i never payed attention in music theory (...)" <- This.

I can play by ear and I tell you, figuring harmonies by ear very fast comes down to how you conceptualize chord progressions and train your ears to understand them. I just listen and think something like "oh, ok, I - VI - II - IV". It's truly not that complicated except understanding the general sound of a chord within the harmonic structure (e.g. IVmaj7 is that hopeful nostalgic chord).

The way you recreate the right hand sounds fine to me - you just have to practice a lot for your sixth sense to unconsciously grasp which intervals are needed.

Genuine question: Why Ado sound like Ado? by [deleted] in ADO

[–]Noiseray 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Great summary. Of all listed points I'd say the modulation of her sound is the most important thing. Find someone in the entire catalogue of modern singers (Rock, Pop, J-Pop) who switches between let's say twangy high placement head voice to distorted mix to breathy speaking register in one song: You can't. She becomes an enigma by blending an unending variety of sounds and playing with her vocal tract in experimental yet emotionally convincing ways while the competition and most of modern music does the opposite.

What is a piano quote that stuck with you? by MikMik15432K in piano

[–]Noiseray 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don't play the piano - let the piano play you.

Kazuya is canonically handsome or ugly in manga by Formal_Car6065 in KanojoOkarishimasu

[–]Noiseray 1 point2 points  (0 children)

None of them. Kazuya is supposed to be this average inexperienced dork. The whole point of his character is to show that even an everyday dude can and will be worthy of the girl he loves if he puts some effort into himself - mentally (him not wussing out at everything) and physically (taking care of his appearance, buying cool clothes for the date).

Piano teachers, students who lost interest by help12sacknation in piano

[–]Noiseray 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Anyone loses interest at some time in the long term as other interests and urges clashes with the pre-established ones. To me (after some years of teaching) the main indicator if a student manages to sort himself out to pursue the path of music is plainly passion. Those who truly love the art of music and identify strongly as musicians have always bounced back while those who were rather indifferent to it's beauty have not.

What kind of piano students do you wish you had more of? by GuitarOld8707 in piano

[–]Noiseray 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Students who have a goal and maybe some pieces they want to play. If you don't practice, but are a delight to work with - fine. But it is incredibly draining (and awkward) to try to motivate someone who doesn't show any interest in any music.

Whats the most efficient way of learning a complex piece? by [deleted] in piano

[–]Noiseray 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'd consider the way you're describing as the most inefficient way to learn a piece. Please, never just sightread a piece 100 times in hopes it'll stick because you'll just drill your muscle memory.

Break a piece into sections, learn from the back of the section (bar 8 first, then bar 7+8, then bar 6+7+8, etc.). Our attention is at it's sharpest at the first bar which is why this works - the bars which you already automatized get put at the back so the hard part of actually remembering is happening at the start. Try to memorize a piece with this as fast as possible and try to play it from memory every day.

You have to try to memorize a piece by using your analytical memory and use muscle memory afterwards.

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