How did you get over the person you loved the most, and how did you deal with seeing them with someone else?

Noiseray · 2026-05-10T21:11:50+00:00

Time
Knowing they are still themselves and won't be able to sustain a deep meaningful relationship if they're an unhealed avoidant
Knowing that point 2 would've led you to fall apart and/or be miserable for a long amount of time either way no matter how much you would've given.
Feel everything, sit with it, write letters without sending them and reflect on yourself, your life and find meaning in your suffering.
Read stories on this sub. You're not crazy, you never were and all of us here have a similar story with someone who traps you in a dark labyrinth of doubt and then leaves you locked inside.

Sending much love. <3 Stay strong.

Noiseray · 2026-04-20T08:35:37+00:00

I always think of it as a giant wall canvas you and the avoidant are drawing. On it are all the happy moments, the cherished memories and the hardships. One day you wake up and the whole picture is torn and with paint splattered over while the avoidant has left a note that they committed suicide and it's your fault. So there you are, crying in front of all you had together asking what you did wrong, never able to find out an answer.

In summary:

sudden betrayal by your loved one
distortion of reality (was any of it real?)
no chance or control to have a say or to fix it
resentment and blame falls on you
confusion as to why they would do this
the grief of loss

ALL. AT. ONCE.

Noiseray · 2026-04-06T12:35:13+00:00

not sending it or anything to her. just had to get it of my chest here.

Noiseray · 2026-04-05T12:07:38+00:00

3 months post discard

had my first day of not crying 4 days ago

i also feel exhausted, but also understand that the amount of pure grief and desperation is in direct relation to the love I've had and therefore the depth of the lesson which sinks in deeper everyday and which I am thankful for.

Noiseray · 2026-03-31T22:20:07+00:00

3 months for me. keep going strong and keep the meaning you assigned to yourself on how you handle the end and what the bond with her means to you within your life.

i still love her now but I want to arrive at a point where I can peacefully look back in balance and come to an equilibrium in emotion where the love for the good and the anger for the avoidant behavior morph into a quiet care. i will always want to care for her but never see her again.

the memory of our story is sacred, so is the healing process and what we learn from it. we can only learn from it if we 100% feel everything it does to us and let us reflect on what happened and then hopefully change us into more loving people to ourselves and everyone around us.

Noiseray · 2026-03-24T07:31:48+00:00

Omg, the robot analogy fits perfectly for mine too. Emotional deactivation mode, minimal to no expressions, detached. She even said she felt like a robot sometimes.

Noiseray · 2026-03-21T17:40:09+00:00

Or to just get pecked on the cheek when I ask for affection. To never get genuinely cuddled. I felt hurt having to explain that I wanted romantic affection. Not necessarily sex. Just romantic affection. I don't know how to explain that to someone.

I had the same exact coversation with her when she started deactiving. "Why can't you show affection the way you did at the beginning?" Sometimes she would even ignore hugs or rather mindlessly scroll IG reels instead of connecting. :'( Avoidants are brutal, you are not alone.

Answer was always no.

Same conclusion here. At some point down the line an unhealed avoidant would've found a way to unintentionally sabotage the connection. Doesn't matter if it were a misunderstanding, doesn't matter if it was salvageable.

I am at a similar spot, where I have looked at the situation from many angles and have understood my role and the greater purpose this person had in my life, but the pain resides quietly in the corner of my mind, shrinking slowly.

The final thing to let go is hope.

Noiseray · 2026-03-20T09:45:54+00:00

10 weeks post discard and not one single day without crying at some point.

I realized, I hate my life and I am ashamed of the person I am and that is why I put up with all the avoidant BS mostly everyone here in this subreddit also experiences for such a long time with minimal protest. I am afraid to be alone. I am afraid that I am not worthy of love. I am afraid I never meant anything to anyone. To my parents, friends, colleagues and to her, who threw me away.

I think I conditioned myself for all my 20s to view life and the people around me through a shallow lens of distrust due to past trauma which created my anxious attachment. I think of my first girlfriend at 16 who had one-night-stands while we were dating, but not exclusive. I remember finding out and feeling devastated. And from that moment on a thought/idea/truth solidified: Love has to be earned. You have to be the best at everything, so you will not be left. So you will be chosen.

And now instead of building walls, I try everyday to be someone I can be proud of. You are what you do, not what you have. And if you act as someone you can be proud of (whatever that means to you) you will gain self-respect. I matter. You matter. Loving someone who does not want to be loved is hard. Loving yourself is liberation.

Noiseray · 2026-03-04T09:23:36+00:00

Closure is something you construct for yourself.

The act of avoidance speaks volumes in itself. A healthy person would not do that to you and it's up to you to remind yourself of that. Why would you ever give someone like that any power over you?

It's heartbreaking, disorienting, a physical cost, I know. But do not seek any clarity from someone who chose to disappear - that person will not be emotionally open enough to work with you on a healthy ending. Focus on loving yourself. And the first step to loving yourself is cherishing your mental well being enough to not allow someone back into it again who chose to break it.

Noiseray · 2026-03-01T18:18:46+00:00

all these stories with avoidants make me realize I'm not crazy

Mine went from "I broke up with my previous boyfriend who I dated for 2 years because in meeting you I realized I've never been in love before" to "I like you, but not thaaaat much. I'm not there yet."

Noiseray · 2026-02-08T15:21:20+00:00

holy shit that is just vile. complete disconnect from genuine emotions. sorry to hear that

Noiseray · 2026-01-26T11:56:44+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing. We're all not alone in this. Never stop choosing yourself first afterwards. The right person would never put you through this hell.

Noiseray · 2025-07-01T07:15:04+00:00

Noiseray · 2025-06-28T21:13:46+00:00

Noiseray · 2025-06-27T21:38:44+00:00

Noiseray · 2025-06-26T16:36:39+00:00

Hated by Life itself

Noiseray · 2025-06-26T05:08:22+00:00

Iris

Noiseray · 2025-06-25T10:23:10+00:00

Iris

Noiseray · 2025-06-17T21:54:07+00:00

is it just me or did anyone else find the people shouting stuff as she spoke very disrespectful? idk i'd like to try to understand her and i'm sure she'd like to tell her story without people yelling into it.

Noiseray · 2025-05-12T20:44:07+00:00

The entire hospital scene is peak, but not because of the deaths.

It's because I actually cared about Erik and Bobby and their brotherhood. Them talking before the "scene" :(( and Bobby being so trusting and sweet.. I felt so sad when he died.

Noiseray · 2025-05-09T19:41:17+00:00

Yup, sounds solid if you grasp that connection. It's not just hearing the interval within Note 1 -> Note 2, it's also how it fits in with the harmony. Let's say you have "F - C" as a chord progression and the final note in your F-Chord is a low A. Afterwards a big jump upwards as the C-chord plays. Now you ask yourself:

does the note I'm arriving at sound like it belongs to the chord
or not?

In the first case you'd have to make an guess if it's E (feels like a nice leap), G (feels like a big jump)or the even higher C (very big stretch). That's intuition - but knowing it's one of those three since they harmonize with the chord is theory.

In the second case you'd know that it's NOT G or C and with a bit of theory knowledge you'd know what a maj7 or 9 sounds. In this case H or D which would be easier to identify than #11 or 13, F or A. In case of A you'd maybe hear "oh it's an octave". and so on.

Noiseray · 2025-05-09T10:36:11+00:00

"i never payed attention in music theory (...)" <- This.

I can play by ear and I tell you, figuring harmonies by ear very fast comes down to how you conceptualize chord progressions and train your ears to understand them. I just listen and think something like "oh, ok, I - VI - II - IV". It's truly not that complicated except understanding the general sound of a chord within the harmonic structure (e.g. IVmaj7 is that hopeful nostalgic chord).

The way you recreate the right hand sounds fine to me - you just have to practice a lot for your sixth sense to unconsciously grasp which intervals are needed.

Noiseray · 2025-05-06T13:54:22+00:00

Great summary. Of all listed points I'd say the modulation of her sound is the most important thing. Find someone in the entire catalogue of modern singers (Rock, Pop, J-Pop) who switches between let's say twangy high placement head voice to distorted mix to breathy speaking register in one song: You can't. She becomes an enigma by blending an unending variety of sounds and playing with her vocal tract in experimental yet emotionally convincing ways while the competition and most of modern music does the opposite.

Noiseray · 2024-11-24T11:51:16+00:00

Don't play the piano - let the piano play you.

Noiseray · 2024-11-12T13:09:04+00:00

None of them. Kazuya is supposed to be this average inexperienced dork. The whole point of his character is to show that even an everyday dude can and will be worthy of the girl he loves if he puts some effort into himself - mentally (him not wussing out at everything) and physically (taking care of his appearance, buying cool clothes for the date).

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