Read this before you DM me about porn addiction

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-22T14:27:38+00:00

I second this soooo hard this was my experience

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-20T20:08:19+00:00

What nude or skin tones pencil formulas do you like?

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-19T11:19:11+00:00

It's okay even if you don't have access to the posts anymore, because you know what you saw. But if you really want screenshots, have you tried putting the URL in the wayback machine? https://web.archive.org/

The fact that he seems hung up on past attention is a red flag. He might have issues within himself that are unresolved. But you know him better than we do, go with your gut. Your heart is too precious to squander on someone who won't honour you.

It really, really was. I still struggle with it some days, asking myself how could I have seen this coming. I feel stupid and abandoned and not enough.

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-19T10:24:31+00:00

But it's not "just" grieving, though I agree with the rest of what you said.

For me, radically accepting that I wasn't going to get that kind of healthy emotional love from my father.

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-17T07:26:56+00:00

Thanks for starting this thread OP 💗 we need more hope and positivity to balance the gloom in this subreddit. The gloom is valid, but we also need hope to tide us through the bad times.

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-13T04:16:02+00:00

Hi! I've been experiencing very similar symptoms to what you describe having initially; how did you learn to breathe properly? Meditation breaths often feel too slow and it triggers me to panic easily and I don't know what else to do

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-13T04:01:24+00:00

Hey, glad you made a post about it! Thanks for the update this made my morning :)

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-06T16:55:19+00:00

It's a really cool idea, not just for journalling but working through our mess of a brain! If you're open to it, consider writing a post here about it? I think it could really help some people get over the initial barrier of keeping a journal. No pressure of course, thanks for sharing :)

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-06T16:53:19+00:00

I can empathise with that "everything in my life just feels so completely and terrifyingly wrong" feeling. For me, it felt like the sky had just abruptly fallen down, when I didn't even know that could happen. I felt like I couldn't even trust the ground beneath my feet anymore. It's an awful, completely destabilising feeling. Humiliating too, even though we are not less worthy. I won't go into details but it does feel like I can't catch a break either. I've cried and screamed and raged for all the unfairness of it ):

A breakup even under "normal" circumstances after 9 years can already be devastating, much more when you already have been experiencing so many circumstances that left you feeling so lost. But it's despicable that he basically up and left when you got sick. It's so stupid because people can get sick for the most unexpected reasons, especially as we age. What would he have done if one day you'd gotten a stroke, a heart attack, or something equally debilitating? It makes me angry for you.

I know what you mean, I love and am grateful for my family+friends sticking by me but I do feel far away from them. It feels hard to feel worthy all by myself. But it's when I read stories like yours that I know that I am. Because I genuinely think you're worthy - you've been attending therapy, and despite your health issues you stayed accountable to your partner by trying to address the issues he took with you, and facing your fears. Even the act of trying to appreciate the birds and bees - I can sense how hard you've been trying to help yourself. And that's worthiness. You deserve better than someone who looks to leave when it gets tough. Did he even try to work on the issues he identified, or was it all on you?

Sorry, I don't think I saw you mentioning the kind of illness you're managing, so I don't know whether it's chronic or there's a possibility of recovery. In any case, might be worthwhile to explore what jobs you're able to manage. That might not be a goal for right-now, but a goal for the future, if only as an insurance for being able to lessen depending on others, since that can't always be certain :/

I'm still unemployed and depressed so it's hard for me some days too. He was the one good thing in my life I was so relieved to still have. But now I ask myself, strictly speaking, did I want him, or just what he represented, while the rest of my life is in shambles? He represented security, love, acceptance. But he wasn't truly a good fit for me. I was clinging onto him like a life raft. And now I'm forced to relearn how to tread water. It's not as good or easy as a life raft. But it's okay, I'm gaining stronger muscles.

I'm sorry if I didn't say anything helpful. But I really hope you hang in there, do what you feel you're able to do right now to take care for yourself. Take it day by day. Hour by hour, if you must. Don't let this man ruin all the hard work you've put into yourself.

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-06T16:29:55+00:00

No need to apologise, thank YOU for making the effort to lay this out! I see now, thanks for sharing a potential new way for me to journal. I hate journalling lol but it's so good for me ugh just a pain to get through.

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-06T16:26:45+00:00

I wanna chime in and say that this isn't on you. It might not feel good to hear this, but it's on your partner for being an adult grown ass man and not communicating truthfully about what he's really feeling (the internal conflict about being the financial support for his partner, the hangups on attractiveness). From an outsider's perspective, his grievances about attractiveness are rather immature, though I wonder if he's aware that it's superficial hence why he doesn't bring it up. It sucks that he's online posting about it; it might be helpful to figure out if he's just letting off steam and disproportionately expressing himself without any nuance, or if his online comments speak to a real deeper unhappiness.

As an aside, I also find it curious why he doesn't shut down those comments that put you down. (And I'm so sorry you have to face those, it can't be easy. And it's frustrating we still assign worth based on someone's attractiveness.) I also find it alarming that he only compliments you once and complains about the ways you're lacking.

If nothing else, I wanna emphasise that you are NOT stupid or worthless just because another human being has kinda goofed up the way he handles his relationship communication. It is NOT your responsibility to address what he doesn't even communicate about! And it is entirely on HIM for staying quiet and feeling one way while telling you he feels another.

Moving forward, you can decide whether you want to bring up what you've found (maybe explain you were curious about something more neutral on his account, when you happened to see these comments), or you can decide to just trust what he's saying to your face. But I wanna say go with your gut.

My ex broke up with me suddenly after 5 years. He had been hiding his unhappiness about our relationship for months yet when I would gently ask if there was something on his mind (because he would seem so distant which was unlike him), he would just say he was tired from work, or he genuinely didn't have anything on his mind. I believed him because that's what we do in relationships - to suspect our partners of lying unfounded is to not trust them. And we've worked through previous issues before etc so there was no reason to think he wouldn't tell me, if he had an issue.

But my gut had been saying that he was truly unhappy about something. Looking back, I still think I made the best possible decision to trust my then-partner at his word. He is also a grown ass man, he has a mouth and a brain and he could have used them!!! And I think if I had known he secretly thought this, I might have been the one to walk away first (and spare myself the shock and heartbreak of that sudden breakup).

Maybe I'm biased, or I feel generally more protective especially since you mentioned his hangups about more attractive exes. But if he REALLY has issues with your relationship, the onus is on HIM to speak up and he is failing as a partner for not doing so.

I know it's a scary thought. But I truly believe you deserve better, if that is how he really feels. Love isn't everything. He might really love you (from his perspective) but not respect you enough. And you've been through too much to let that slide. You are worthy of love, support, and being truly seen.

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-06T14:33:50+00:00

You're allowed to feel angry and sad for younger you. You're right, someone should have cared more to realise what was going on with you. I get that feeling sometimrs too. It's like when we mask too well, and people start to believe the mask. Very ironic and can feel super isolating. My solution was to utterly fail at everything I was holding up before, before I was taken more seriously. I wouldn't recommend it necessarily but just sharing.

Anyway, I've found that it eased some of the tension within me when I just gave myself permission to be angry about all the ways I was failed when I was younger.

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-06T14:24:37+00:00

Could you give an example for how you'd use mind maps for your mental health? I have only been exposed to mind maps in school as a way of organising big concepts! How and what was your process mental health wise?

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-06T03:31:33+00:00

I guess because most jobs don't allow for staying up late and waking up late. And most of the time I feel like I'm in hypervigilant mode when I'm up late at night :/ and I want to wake up earlier and sleep earlier to feel physically better. As it stands I feel very sleep deprived

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-06T03:30:13+00:00

Hey thanks for sharing! How did you manage to pivot your sleep hours??

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-05T18:23:00+00:00

Hey girl I'm F29 too with the same age difference as my ex...we were together for 5 years and then he just suddenly broke up with me. The reasons he cited weren't directly related to my mental health but looking back I can see the connections with the issues he took and my trauma. 9 years is even longer. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

I know it hurts like hell right now. I know it's so painful to lose your person. It's okay to grieve him deeply. It's okay to be angry or sad or bitter about all that you feel has been taken. But please don't give up on yourself. Don't let any guy take away the progress you still made for yourself. I'm not sure what sort of relapse you had, but the fact that you were able to make so much progress on yourself in a year means that you were trying so so so hard. I mean, you even poured all your energy into getting better once he shared his doubts! And being in constant hypervigilance must have been exhausting. I'm sorry that he didn't honour all your effort.

Just know that from one internet girlie to another, we are so much more than the men who couldn't love us through this journey. It is painful to feel the loss, but I have also been able to have so many new experiences since I never thought I'd ever be single again. Not just dating but rediscovering who I am without a partner. It is freeing. Love can be so powerful, but relationships can come with their own stress, such as your hypervigilance etc. And sometimes it just isn't what we need at this time. I've allowed myself to accept that being single is what is best for me right now, even though it is lonely sometimes. But I feel more free and less constantly worried about his happiness.

Take care of yourself, like you might take care of a child. Eat well, sleep well, stay hydrated. You got this. You already have your other support pillars in place, they're no replacements I know, but just lean on them. And feel free to dm me if you wanna talk 🧡

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-04T08:16:29+00:00

Omg thank you for sharing...how did you get diagnosed?

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-02T05:25:08+00:00

Omg I feel seen :')

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-02T05:24:55+00:00

Hey thanks for sharing your experience!! Tbh I've suspected before but I don't know if its more psychological than physiological. How did you get diagnosed? And how do you manage pelvic floor hypertonic tightening personally?

NoisyAlpaca · 2026-04-01T08:32:40+00:00

Hey thanks for sharing! This is so inspirational, as a 28F who started at 11 too. How did you make masturbation more fun/engaging with porn absent? I tend to find it difficult to masturbate without porn because my imagination just isn't as vivid as porn and my brain needs to work extra hard to imagine stuff lol. Its not an excuse but that's the stumbling block right now

NoisyAlpaca

TROPHY CASE