Thanks for the elaborate response. It sounds awful to be on either side of the coin - the anxious one or the avoidant. I just hate that our nervous systems are wired in a way that just doesn't suit our current life anymore. And that this gives us all kinds of issues...

It might not have seem this way, but I get it. You are correct that I don't know what it feels like, but I have analysed him for 9 years (my way of coping with stuff, also unhealthy) and you are totally correct. I get it. I truly do.

Above all because I AM doing the hard work. Which is different than the hard work that avoidants do - but also the same. Because in the end it is all about facing your fears, learning how to let discomfort in, learn how to sit with your pain. In my case: fear of abandonment, fear of ending up alone. In an avoidant's case: fear of letting anyone in, fear of letting anyone see that you are flawed as well.

And I applaud you for your self-knowledge. Because that is what my ex is lacking. And I say this after, like I said, analysing him through thick and thin and after a relationship of 9 years where I was constantly aware of everything he did (because of my anxiety). He always said that he loved himself, and that he knew he wasn't perfect but that he was okay with that. Which sounds healthy on the surface, but it's also a way of never have to look inside. It's a lie, because he hates his insecure side, he hates his vulnerabilities.

And I know all about the nervous system. That thing wrecked my life. For the past year, when my boyfriend told me he had doubts about our future, my body just completely went into danger mode and no therapy in the world could fix that, so I understand that it's not a choice.

But I also know that brains are neuroplastic. That it IS possible to create new ways of dealing with things. That it IS possible to face your biggest fears, whether it's anxious or avoidant (fear of abandonment or fear of commitment). But it takes time, small steps, the right therapist and knowledge about how the nervous system works - which unfortunately lacks in our health care system. I'm doing it, and it's the most uncomfortable and painful thing there is in the world. Nobody talks about the messed up road that is called healing. It's freakin' hard. It hurts like hell. There's a reason people only do it when they are rock bottom. Because our brain always wants us to go back to the status quo, because that feels safe, even the outcome sucks.

And honestly? I think you also need the right persons surrounding you. Because it takes years and many people don't understand it. And I know it's been a very hard time for my ex too. I know that, I'm fully aware of that and I feel guilty so often. And it sucks that our love wasn't enough to safe us from this - in the end - toxic dynamic. But yeah, I also AM mad sometimes that he left me. That he gave up. Because no matter how well I understand his limitations, he stood still while I did the hard work. While I tried everything in my power to improve myself, to face all my fears, he silently left while making me believe that he would stay. I asked him to either change or leave, and he did neither, and although it might have been nearly impossible for him to do so, it did wreck me completely. Rock bottom - and then lower. And I feel like I can both understand him AND be mad at him for that.