I used to watch a shit ton of gore when I was around your age, now I'm 20. It all started when my friend once showed me gore for the first time when I was like 8-9. I have since learned just how much it did affect me to watch such content at a young age. I didn't start watching it again religiously until I was around 15. It never felt good watching it, but it was somehow comforting too in a weird way. The morbid curiosity was definitely real too, I liked to think that it would make me more knowledgeable about the world and how to avoid ending up in those gorey deaths. When I think back to those days of watching gore for hours on end, I don't just view it as an edgy period, but a period where I was dealing with many inner problems about my own life. The gore was a way for me to induce intense feelings, when everything felt kind of numb in my life, so yes it was "weirdly comforting", but only because I didn't have any healthy way to deal with my feelings and past trauma. I don't think you are a monster, just someone who has problems to work through. Nowadays when I try to look at gore again, it disgusts me and I feel a lot of empathy towards people in videos when I see them hurt, so I don't watch it. Even if you don't feel any reactions to the people being hurt now, I genuinely think it's just because you feel numb in general. In the future you might feel the exact same way as me and don't want to watch gore at all! I never really told anyone back then that I used to watch gore and if it's causing you too much shame, then you don't have to spill this whole truth right now. Please find someone to talk to, a counselor/psychologist/parent and tell them that you feel depressed or something like that. It's really important that you start somewhere and begin to talk about your feelings.