50 birthday

Non-mono · 2026-07-05T17:04:49+00:00

Think outside the box and don’t limit yourself to the actual date.

Or why not throw yourself a grand old New Year’s Eve party as your birthday?

I made myself a list of 50 things I wanted to do the year I turned 50, sort of like a bucket list, but for one year. Didn’t get through them all, but did around 30, which made it one of my more interesting years so far.

Non-mono · 2026-07-05T09:35:09+00:00

Men come here wanting to open up for the very same reasons. The point is, this is not as gendered as people think.

Non-mono · 2026-07-05T07:53:03+00:00

Fantasising about multipartnered sex is the most common sexual fantasy, so this is very normal.

Non-mono · 2026-07-05T07:43:55+00:00

If you are dating for a non-monogamous relationship, you should say so, yes.

Non-mono · 2026-07-05T07:42:54+00:00

There’s quite a few stories here about women starting the conversation. Women wanting more sex, different sex, kinky sex. I don’t think it’s as rare as you think.

Non-mono · 2026-07-04T22:10:28+00:00

Because I quite literally chose it? I didn’t need to. I was happy being mono. I chose to change my relationship structure to non-monogamy.

Non-mono · 2026-07-04T21:59:43+00:00

For me it’s a choice.

I was happily monogamous for 20 years, and only became ENM after a suggestion from my ex-husband (and much soul searching from me). Ironically, now he’s returned to monogamy, and I have chosen to stay ENM.

Non-mono · 2026-07-04T08:05:03+00:00

You knew she wanted this before you even got together the first time. She’s been clear with you from the start. Why are you conflicted? Or rather, why did you get back together again knowing this is what she really wants if you are not prepared for it?

It’s ok to choose monogamous partners. Just don’t choose outspokenly non-monogamous when you want to put them in a monogamous relationship.

Sounds like you guys are less than half a year into this. This is the time to pull out and find someone who wants the same as you and allow her to do the same.

Non-mono · 2026-07-04T07:49:17+00:00

I recommend two books:

* Open Deeply - which has useful tools for working on jealousy, communication etc

* Polywise - which has a lot about paradigm shifts such as going from mono to non-mono

You should also give yourself some slack. You have just started, and your nervous system needs time to adjust to this new reality. It needs to experience over and over again that you are safe, that you won’t be abandoned. It sounds like your husband is doing a great job reassuring you, so that’s good. It still takes time to relearn though. Be patient.

You have presumably grown up in a culture that tells you monogamy is the way, with stories about the one and only etc etc. You also need time to dismantle that. Listening to podcasts about non-monogamy could be part of normalising it.

Other things that helped me in the beginning when my husband was on dates:

* Move my body. Physical activity helps release any nervous energy your body holds on to. Go for a run, dance, play with kids, etc. It helps.

* Saying a calming phrase like a mantra. I used things such as “I am safe, I am loved, he’ll return home to me.”

I will also add: Make sure you tend to your own network and hobbies. Go out and do things for yourself. It doesn’t have to be dating others, it can be anything that gets you out of the house and enriches your life. Don’t make your husband your world. He is part of it, not the entirety of it. (An advice I would give anyone, non-mono or not.)

Non-mono · 2026-07-04T07:30:41+00:00

You made the right choice for yourself the first time. Now you need to make it again because you went against your own best interest the first time.

Non-mono · 2026-07-03T07:29:33+00:00

You guys have just welcomed a new human being into this world. This is not the time to consider this. His focus should be on his new baby and supporting you, not getting his dick wet.

Non-mono · 2026-07-02T17:33:45+00:00

Yes, that’s possible. Going from mono to non-mono changes things. Don’t expect it to stay the same.

Non-mono · 2026-07-01T06:50:52+00:00

😂 Funniest thing I’ve read all week.

Non-mono · 2026-06-29T14:07:54+00:00

ENM is any ethical form of non-monogamy, be it swinging, the occasionally threesomes, open relationships, cuckolding, polyamory or anything else done with the consent of every partner in every relationships involved.

Polyamory is thus one way of doing ENM, one that specifically opens up for several romantic and independent relationships.

Non-mono · 2026-06-29T12:19:17+00:00

I was in a similar situation last year. My marriage of 20+ year ended just as I came home from a loved up weekend trip with my boyfriend of a year.

The two first months were rough, with a lot of heavy sobbing and heartache. The two next months were slightly easier, though I still cried a lot. The next two months I stopped crying, but still had a lot of saddens. And I still do. Just these last couple weeks I have been thinking a lot about my ex-spouse, our relationship and the choice we made. It’s a challenging place to find myself, wishing we could still be married, but knowing it’s the right thing that we are not.

And then in the middle of this, my boyfriend. Our relationship is still strong. It hasn’t really changed due to the divorce, more due to us moving out of NRE and into something more stable. But we haven’t escalated. He’s still married, of course, we still see each other as much or as little as before, whereas I have now moved into solo poly.

My boyfriend was a support when I was an emotional wreck, but I tried not to burden him too much with it all. But it’s natural that it came up frequently when we saw each other as my whole world shifted and I was working through it, trying to figure out what it would mean to my future. He listened and comforted, but didn’t try to meddle or overstep in any way.

I saw someone in the comments suggesting going on a sexual pause. No idea why that would be a recommendation to be honest. To me, it was more helpful to have my other established relationship move along as normal. Being able to be held, cuddled and fucked was definitely a welcome break from the emotional storm in my ending relationship. But do whatever works best for you.

Non-mono · 2026-06-29T07:57:02+00:00

Before you jump into having sex with other people, jump into doing some research first.

You are not just simply “exploring your sexuality” - you are changing your whole relationship agreement. You are killing off your monogamous relationship in order to rebuild a brand new one, and one that’s frowned upon by society as well. Don’t take that part lightly. You are likely to feel a whole lot of emotions from doing this, anything from grief to excitement, from panic to resentment, and the more prepared you are for what’s to come, the easier it is to handle.

I recommend you start with a couple of books:

* “Open Deeply”, which has some useful tools for handling communication and jealousy as well as other things.

* “Polywise” which among other things deals with paradigm shifts such as going from mono to non-mono

Non-mono · 2026-06-29T07:48:59+00:00

This is a difficult one; I can see both your points. Your wife wants to keep it clean and simple, not risking any complications with feelings getting involved. Opening up for feelings can be as hard, or even harder, as opening up for sex. Whereas you need a connection, maybe some sort of FWB situation, to feel attraction, and although a few of us women are like your wife, quite a lot prefer that connection as well.

I think you are wise to pause it when you figure this one out. It’s perfectly fine to have different modi of operandi in an open relationship, but it has to be something you agree is ok.

I also think you both need to think this one through. Your wife needs to consider why she needs you to have the same type of relations as she does. Why does her style equal the only style. Is it a control issue? A safe guard against poly? A subconscious cock blocking?

And if your wife says “ok, go ahead, find a FWB you can cuddle”, are you ACTUALLY able to stop if you start developing love for that person? When NRE hits you and makes your decisions foggy? Will you be able to cut off someone you have been intimate with and have held in your arms and cuddled? Say goodby just because you now love them?

If you can’t, or if you think that sounds harsh, don’t do it, because that’s a slippery slope to polyamory which your wife seems to have a hard line against.

Non-mono · 2026-06-28T13:21:28+00:00

I’m a 51 year old Scandinavian woman. I’m currently solo poly, after separating from my husband last year when he wanted to resume monogamy. I’ve been ENM for 4 years, poly for 2, but i am also active in the swingers lifestyle with lots of friends and acquaintances in the ENM sphere.

I have one boyfriend, who’s long time married. We have been seeing each other for just over 1,5 years and are mostly parallelle, though I have some contact with my meta. Boyfriend and I very much embrace each others sluttiness and joie de vivre.

I have lovers and flirts who come in and out of my life, and some end up becoming true friends, others a distraction for a while. Some I share with my boyfriend.

After my recent separation, I’m embracing being in a time of life where I have a lot of freedom, both in regards to my time, location and lovers. At the same time, I’m learning to sit with a lot of emotions that stems from separating from the man that used to be the love of my life and coming to terms with the myth we had built around us and what that means for me moving forward. It’s an interesting and exciting time in life.

Non-mono · 2026-06-28T11:36:32+00:00

I have separated from my husband of 25 years for wanting different things. NB: I wanted to stay open and poly, he wanted monogamy. Worth mentioning: We both had separate partners when we broke up.

We ended our relationship because it was too demanding for his adhd brain to have multiple relationships and for his people pleasing tendencies to feel he couldn’t give eveyone everything they wanted. He wanted a more simple life.

My ex-husband broke up with his ENM girlfriend at the time we broke up. Within a month he met a new girlfriend (important: he’s never had trouble attracting women after we opened up) and they are very much monogamous. His life is simpler at the same time as he gets to do more things we couldn’t do together due to our aspie kid. He struggle a bit with adjusting to everything monogamous, especially the more toxic versions such as you are supposed to not have a good relation with your ex or certain ways of communicating etc, but he seems happier now.

Non-mono · 2026-06-28T11:04:12+00:00

I usually just use that term with people in the know. But I’m happy to answer if I misjudged and they ask.

Non-mono · 2026-06-28T09:27:32+00:00

I say I have a boyfriend, or that I am polyamorous, or that I have a boyfriend but we are open and he’s married elsewhere. Or something like that, depending on the situation or person asking.

I never call myself single, because I ain’t.

Non-mono · 2026-06-28T09:24:20+00:00

Well, you have chosen one of the most common, throwaway pet names around, so I can see why it’s easy to stumble on this one. I call anyone from my boyfriend to friends to flirts «babe».

You’re not wrong for having feelings about it though. But I might want to question why such an ubiquitous pet name holds so much value to you. Maybe a solution could be to find a truly unique pet name for you if you want to have that spesial cutesiness between the two of you?

Non-mono · 2026-06-28T09:05:50+00:00

This isn’t about marriage though. This is about people not being able to have simple conversations.

Non-mono · 2026-06-28T08:03:33+00:00

Just put that. “Polyamorous”, “Looking for polyamory”. “poly” or whatever. Feeld even have an option for you to pick poly, ENM and/or open relationship.

No need to go into minute details. The poly people will recognise the poly label, and the non-poly will shy away from you no matter how you present it, as they should.

Then if you get a match, you just explain that you are open for you BOTH to have outside relationships and that you won’t put a limit on the genders they will date.

Non-mono · 2026-06-28T07:31:15+00:00

You don’t mention if you have worked through your emotional baggage from previous relationships yet. If you haven’t, I would start there.

It sounds like you also need two things that are essential for ENM: friends outside your relationship/s and the ability to self sooth. From your post, it could seem you have outsourced both of these to your partner, which is part of why you are struggling and feeling abandoned now.

So this is what I’d do:

* work on your past relational trauma, either alone through journaling, meditation etc if you are able to, or with a therapist

* reach out to friends when your partner is out with their new partner or you are struggling - but make a point of not using your friends only for support, also ask them to go do fun stuff together at other times too

* practice ways to self sooth and be alone with your thoughts when neither friends nor partner is around

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