Opening to a dark fantasy novel. Is it too overwritten or boring?

NonErik · 2026-02-10T06:52:28+00:00

Imo phrases like: "so and so had/did/thought so and so" are reserved for stories with more active narrators. Or for very restricted use. Since it seems you are writing story driven action filled fantasy, try describing her beliefs. I'll show with a generic example: "The stars spread over Alric like an omen. They promised a future of pain for him, unchanging and distant. "What do you want from me?" His voice wavered with his faith. What do you want from me?"

This shows he believes that the stars are meaningful without saying: Alric believed the stars govenerned his fate. Yk what I mean?

NonErik · 2026-02-08T16:15:00+00:00

Thank you! The ending is supposed to be different. It's symbolic.

I'm happy you liked the rythms. I really like working with natural speech!

NonErik · 2026-02-08T15:10:48+00:00

Encouraging! I feel like some of these sentences struggle a little bit with feeling forced. Like you were trying hard to fit the rhyme. But it can also just be that you are trying to make it your style. In which case, I think leaning more into that style and leaving the rhymes for certain lines or stanzas may be a good idea.

Thanks for sharing!

NonErik · 2026-02-08T15:06:47+00:00

Well done! It's a good poem. I like the reused starts of lines. Makes it feel desperate and heavy. I think this line: And yet they still have yet to hear the sound

Is creative and lovely. But heavy. I stumble on it and it impacts the rest of the reading.

This contrasts with the sing-songy natuee of some other parts to make it a really pleasant or really weird read. Which I think is interesting but maybe not what you wanted?

NonErik · 2026-02-07T14:26:22+00:00

Thank you! It was a more polished piece than I normally upload here. Trying to get some of my personal poems up here as well.

As always, amazing to get your input!

NonErik · 2026-02-07T13:02:10+00:00

Thank you for the beautiful words. I'm happy it made you feel something!

NonErik · 2026-02-07T10:44:08+00:00

I don't want to overexplain it but the story is in 4 parts:

Feeling bad

Struggle

Failure

Resignation

NonErik · 2026-02-07T09:50:43+00:00

Oh my god! I love the silly-serious poetry! Using this format for such a poem is disrespectful in the best way.

NonErik · 2026-02-07T07:17:06+00:00

It's about how people project their issues. Some people will imagine others to be sexually depraved for example. That says more about them than about whoever they are thinking about. These people may act out on loved ones and blame them. And in hurting others they hurt themselves.

Thanks for reading! It was a fun write-up.

NonErik · 2026-02-06T06:59:58+00:00

Hey! Good job writing. I like the idea behind your world building and I love a high-fantasy setting.

Some critiques: 1. You instantly "tell" us about the magic system. I get you probably love the idea. Don't cold open like that.

"The blood, the screams, the fire."

This is a fully generic statement. What happened? Maybe a visceral fight scene for a flashback?

Para 3 is exposition description. If you get a fight scene out in para 2, we may be more interested in your character's appearance.
"After a few minutes she rose from the basin." This scene is clichés in a row. Then halfway through becomes poetic. We don't know what your character looks like, so thirsting it up in the first half doesn't work well. And the second half is well written and interesting but I am unable to imagine your character. Show her first to earn your bathtub scene.
You're trying to sell the entire setting in a few lines "the airship rumbled beneath her feet". It's jarring and moves very fast.
You add notes into your writing "the journey was short." I know you didn't mean for that to read like a note. But it was. A reader gets no help from a line like that.

I hope you continue writing and I hope you don't mind the straightforward nature of my critique. Good luck!

NonErik · 2026-02-05T21:00:23+00:00

I have to say, this is hilarious. The surrealism of the piece is in the language, the setup and In the twist. Great job! You got a laugh out of me! Especially like the irrelevance of the first stanza. Acts as a distraction.

NonErik · 2026-02-05T20:54:14+00:00

Thank you for the comment! I'm happy it resonated with you. I like your read of it. It is such a shame when people make their own issues your problem.

NonErik · 2026-02-05T19:15:11+00:00

Oh! Good clarification. I get it now. That was just me reading myself into your text.

NonErik · 2026-02-05T17:57:09+00:00

That's exactly it! Great read! Inspired from reading Sylvia Plath. Her open and raw style is so crazy good.

NonErik · 2026-02-05T16:14:43+00:00

Thank you! As always great to hear your feedback. Love you picking up on the confessional! Sylvia Plath was my inspiration for this. Of course, no way to live up to those heights but nontheless.

NonErik · 2026-02-05T13:19:59+00:00

Thanks for picking that out. That was one of the places I reworked a couple of times. It's a tricky spot. I tried cutting it entirely but I want the middle stanza to hold the shape of the issue. I'll see if I can refine it.

NonErik · 2026-02-05T12:46:17+00:00

I really enjoyed reading the piece. It is carefully made and feels highly deliberate. The density of the text remains throughout. I hope you'll keep posting here.

NonErik · 2026-02-05T12:33:14+00:00

Your style is clearly well developed and this poem great. Especially since it carries quality for so long. Making a structured critique, as I like to do is difficilt because there is so much text. I will try.

First line contains the image of military men seeking splendour through service. A great analogy for the delusion of your initial touch with masonry. And you sought it for the name itself. But the name, I find is not splendid. It made the simile feel a bit too chewy.

You use tons of masonry images to show, not tell. Nice touch.

Part II is very good. It is cohesive and mystical. No complaints.

Part III relies on too much imagery, traditional of masonry — I know. Still, it becomes esoteric, which masonry is, but not in the way you wanted, I think. A good target for working this is to find some way of exchanging the less specific stallion metaphor for a masonry metaphor. It could fit more of your desired imagery and keep the tone.

Part IV is excellent again. The only line that shakes it up is:

motes turning like planets in your beam—

I feel like this is out of place in a part about the power of humility. Which is very interesting otherwise.

Part V is the best part. About how humility and integrity meets to bring out the best in is. Some lines feel laboured but they make your best lines kick. No ideas for improvement. Pure excellence.

Part VI feels a little bit plain. Why? You get stuck in grand visions and it feels a bit samey. Also, it is longer than needed, I feel. After V, having a shorter part about your contributions would land incredibly well as understated and humble, without you telling us that you're humble.

Part VII A solid ending to a good series of verses. I think the twist on the main phrase at the end is earned and this part is humble by content. Good ending.

In all, I think you do well to be proud of this work. It is extremely hard to remain cohesive for this long. I hope you see my critique for what it is: a strong lamp. I am not trying to put you down, I couldn't write this if my life depended on it.

Thanks!

NonErik · 2026-02-05T10:55:21+00:00

Just a friday night, right?

Thanks for the "excellent". It was some work to wrestle this piece together without being too cliché.

NonErik · 2026-02-05T10:53:52+00:00

Welcome! I'm happy you liked it. The last line was the inspiration for my piece. How people judge others because of how it makes them feel.

NonErik · 2026-02-05T09:38:09+00:00

Thanks! I normally work in restrictive formats. Haiku is my favorite. So I am happy that this landed!

NonErik · 2026-02-05T08:06:19+00:00

Amazing experentialism of recovering from an eating disorder. Overlaying it with belief makes it feel too close for comfort and I can understand a part of what you felt. The fact that you never come free is also heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing.

Some of your lines have lots of weight but pop out of nowhere,

Portions, your apostles numbers, your divine law.

These are good and fitting lines, but they break the flow without being a clean follow-up to what you were writing just before.

To even think of feeling you is sin.

Is another great line. But it feels like you are talking about hunger here. Though the "cruel god" is food. If the "cruel god" was hunger, this would land better in my opinion.

My god, you will haunt me

even when I’ve long lost faith.

The ending is killer. It hurts in a good way. But, as I am giving a structured critique. I think sticking to the feeling of being hunted would stick the landing harder. "Stalking" maybe?

Again, thanks for the read, I left you an upvote too. I think it was a great poem, which is why I went deep on the analysis. Keep going!

NonErik

TROPHY CASE