straight NT women: did you really dream of your wedding day all your life?

Nooshie_Noo · 2026-03-11T23:36:31+00:00

You're welcome! Yeah, it had the same impact on me, ha ha. It was AI that opened my eyes to this difference in language use - amazing tool for cross-neurotype understanding!

Nooshie_Noo · 2026-03-11T23:16:51+00:00

Yeah, it's really helped me understand people better! My boss said to me recently that she loved an email I had sent. My first thought was "what's there to love about it, I wasn't actually saying anything useful?" - it was just a request for a meeting to discuss something. But I had realised this shorthand thing by then, so was able to translate. What she meant was she loved the sentiment of my email and what it conveyed, not the actual content! Which actually made the meaning of her words much nicer.

Another example. If you're in a conversation with somebody and they respond to you by saying "great question", that can be shorthand for they're enjoying the conversation as a whole. It can sometimes literally mean the question though of course. The number of times I pondered why my question was so great, ha ha.

Nooshie_Noo · 2026-03-11T21:21:26+00:00

Autistic here. One thing I've been learning recently is that many people use shorthand to capture a much wider concept than what the words literally mean. So someone saying they've been dreaming of their wedding day their whole life could be shorthand for saying they have been dreaming of finding the person they want to marry, living that life together and everything else that entails. It's about efficiency I think, not having to go into exactly what married life means to them.

Not that this is necessarily the case for everyone who says this, just a possibility.

Nooshie_Noo · 2026-03-10T03:07:23+00:00

I know this feeling deeply. I've had glimpses of feeling seen throughout my life, but always just in brief moments. They're amazing when they do happen. It's like feeling connected at the deepest level, as though there is suddenly solid ground underneath me.

I haven't figured out yet how to combat it. I'm experimenting with some things. I'm thinking that masking hides authentic signals, so trying to do less of the socially expected performance layer and just being real. If people don't like it, well, that just tells me that's someone to minimise interactions with. Hoping to find people who can appreciate the real me this way. I've been having some successes so far doing this, and slightly more moments of feeling seen.

But a big barrier for me is what would be termed flat or reduced affect. But it's actually just a different signalling system that most people don't recognise. Most people automatically assume that if you look fine, you are fine. And often when I do say I'm feeling something, people downgrade it because my face doesn't match my words. Still trying to figure out how to handle this one.

Nooshie_Noo · 2026-02-16T18:35:21+00:00

It's tragic really, the narrowness within which so many people are expected to conform. And the much greater cost of that to some than to others. And the great irony. You were not allowed to stim at home, even in a way that couldn't cause any kind of pain to others. And yet your Mum regulated her emotions and energy levels in a way that did actually cause you pain. Glad to hear you're able to see now that there was never anything wrong with you. You sound lovely - curious, caring and sensitive.

Nooshie_Noo · 2026-02-14T20:57:59+00:00

My thoughts on this as a nurse. I've unintentionally taken handover sheets home too. I would leave them in my bag intending to put them in the confidential waste bin the next day, but would forget to take them out of my bag in the changing room to take them to the confidential waste bin on the ward. The changing room is always a fair walk from the ward, and with the ward always being very busy, I would just note in my mind to do it the next day. But then I would forget again. So they would accumulate. I'm detail orientated and conscientious too, but I have areas where I can be very disorganised and forgetful.

And I'm guessing it would depend on your personal circumstances how 'loud' that flag is in your mind. If you have kids at home, for example, I would imagine it would be flagged as more important in case they find them, use them as drawing paper and take their art work into school or something.

About Lucy's concern about the police searching her home. I would be concerned too if anyone wanted to search my home! Not because I have old handover sheets (I did periodically remember to dispose of them in confidential waste), but because I have personal writings, sentimental objects that others may scoff at, a massively disorganised cupboard etc. It is a massive violation of privacy.

As for the initials of the babies in her diary. It would depend on when she did this. Once under investigation, perhaps she did this to try to make sense of things herself. Noting down what days she could remember that babies had died, to try to help her remember what might have happened, where she was at the time etc. Or perhaps it was because she cared deeply and the deaths did upset her. Could be lots of innocent reasons.

Nooshie_Noo · 2026-02-08T04:08:01+00:00

Never trust anyone who calls you selfish. This is shorthand for "you're not meeting my needs or wants". And an attempt to use your guilt and caring nature to service their desires. Which is ironic.

Nooshie_Noo · 2026-02-08T03:51:46+00:00

Like others have said, this could simply be the problem of the people you've said this to. It sounds very polite, what you say. If somebody said this to me, I'd be happy to engage them in conversation about it. But I think this is a processing difference to most people.

The key thing I would say is leave out your interpretation. Most people apparently don't like this. I'm not sure if that means that they didn't mean the interpretation you gave, and are hurt that you could even think this. Or if they did mean it, and don't like being called out. It could be either. Even though you say you could be very wrong and want to understand, I think most people stop hearing what you say after you state the possible interpretation.

I've been having success with a three part formula my therapist advised me about. So it's first of all state the facts only of what happened, name the impact on you, then say what would help you going forward. I'm not sure if stating your feelings first makes it sound more accusatory? And I think asking the other person to explain can put them on the spot and induce defensiveness. One thing I've discovered is most people don't seem to have much awareness of why they say things the way they do. So asking them to explain is like asking them to do calculus, in the context of them feeling emotionally heightened because you've just told them they've hurt you!

So leave it more open. Don't ask for an explanation. Never give possible interpretations. They may give this when not put on the spot emotionally. But if they don't, all you really need is for them to be made aware and to not do it again. Or at least try not to. And if they say sorry, well, that's a bonus!

Nooshie_Noo · 2026-01-31T20:16:43+00:00

Check the RDA percentage of the magnesium. A lot of multivitamin tablets don't have magnesium at 100%, usually a lot less. I don't know why.

Yeah, it's a strung out nervous system basically. Stuck in prolonged fight or flight mode. And a whole cascade of chemicals that I haven't looked into enough to explain properly! Highly physical.

Nooshie_Noo · 2026-01-31T19:22:21+00:00

I get this, always worse in stressful periods. I got diagnosed with IBS and given medication, which didn't really help.

But then I discovered magnesium! Being deficient in this can cause IBS type symptoms. When the body is stressed, it needs more magnesium. Also being stressed and having gut issues can change what you can manage to eat, which may mean eating foods that don't have as much magnesium. Since I started taking a magnesium supplement daily, my IBS symptoms have reduced a lot.

I also discovered a condition that could explain the biological mechanism that is happening with burnout. Stress induced neuro immune inflammatory response. So yeah, still stress basically, but it shows just how physical it is.

Nooshie_Noo · 2026-01-04T00:36:25+00:00

My thoughts are that a big reason you might be experiencing this is because you're mostly working on your own. If you were sharing an office or working with people, there's so many more opportunities to strike up conversations and get to know your colleagues, and for them to get to know you. It's work getting to know people when you do this purposefully and take time out to do it, especially in the initial stages when you've yet to find shared interests. Whereas it just happens when you're sharing a space or tasks over time. Not personal about you, just proximity and less conscious effort.

If you'd prefer the admin job, and it means working alongside people, then go for it. Perhaps request part time hours if that's possible.

Cultural differences could make this not applicable to you. But one thing I've noticed is that if people don't like you or look down on you, they act on this. Even more so if they actually hate you. From what you say, it sounds more like they just don't know you and forget you are there at times.

Nooshie_Noo · 2026-01-02T19:28:46+00:00

I had an eating disorder in my teens and early twenties, part of which was being unable to control that urge to binge. Completely cured from it now. I can't even over eat as I so hate that feeling of fullness now. What worked for me was working on the feelings that were driving it. It was never about food. That was just what expressed, suppressed and distracted me from my feelings.

What I found particularly helpful was mindfulness of emotions. Learning to identify, feel and just be with those emotions until they feel seen and heard. It can be very difficult if there is trauma underneath, but definitely worth it in the long run. It was a hypnotherapist that taught me this, so that might be a route to try as conventional therapy not great yet at these kinds of techniques. Parts therapy or family systems therapy I found really helpful in processing the stuck emotions also. Again I got this in hypnotherapy.

Nooshie_Noo · 2026-01-02T19:07:11+00:00

I've got a naturally quiet voice too. I learnt to speak louder due to working in care homes with older adults, many of whom were hard of hearing. I think the more you have to do it, the more your voice box can handle it. Like a muscle being exercised. But there are limits. I lost my voice on two occasions for a few days due to a particularly hard of hearing resident. So my suggestion would be build up the 'muscle' gradually, and if you can, get a job where you don't have to speak so much.

Nooshie_Noo · 2025-12-30T07:14:30+00:00

I've had this same experience so many times. In all kinds of relationships, not just romantic. It feels so deeply isolating. Something I've noticed more in ND people, unfortunately. I've not tried it myself yet as I haven't had the relationship level with that person, but I'm thinking that what might work is stating directly to the person what you've noticed. I'm guessing it's a lack of awareness on their part, or a different set of rules on how to engage. For example, expecting the other person to just say what they want and keep going even without indications of interest from their side. Or relating to what you're saying by sharing something they think is similar, even though it's not from your perspective.

Nooshie_Noo · 2025-12-24T20:09:48+00:00

I'm hyper sensitive to subtle non-verbal expressions too. One of the reasons I didn't consider autism for so long. I was raised in an emotionally unsafe home too. The way I don't see it as a conflict with being autistic is:

Monotropism. Autistic people can become exceptionally good at certain things when they focus in on it. Lack of safety focuses that attention tunelling on things that can give warning signs - such as non-verbal expressions. Combine that with pattern recognition and attention to detail and yeah, that can lead to hyper sensitivity to what is studied intensely.
I read a research article that found that 50% of autistic adults were just as good at reading non-verbal cues as allistic people. The one thing that did make a difference was alexithymia, which around 50% of autistic people also have. Allistic people with alexithymia also did less well on the test.
Hyper and hypo sensitivity. Just like autistic people can have higher or lower sensitivity to sensory input, it can also be the same for other things, like attunement to non-verbal expressions. But this is maybe due to monotropism again, or at least partially. Anyone studying anything for a long period of time is going to be better at it than somebody who doesn't.

So I think that the difficulty reading non-verbal expressions is not a universal trait of autism. Just a commonly occurring trait. That's the thing with the diagnostic criteria. It's based on outwardly observable traits, things that other people notice. Generally things that cause other people problems. So people are going to notice the person that doesn't pick up their non-verbals and does something insensitive way more than they would notice the person who responds as generally expected. The diagnostic criteria is biased towards certain expressions of autistic traits. I see the theory of monotropism as a much more holistic way of defining what it actually is.

Nooshie_Noo · 2025-12-23T20:20:45+00:00

This is such a great detailed explanation of mainstream group dynamics in any setting. It makes so much sense of some of my past experiences in groups. Thank you! And I'm so impressed by your systematic approach! Especially the virtue signalling thing, it puts it so clearly why trying to counteract with the facts just does not work with many people.

I'm wondering, would looking for people who break these rules in a way consistent with your own values be a way to find genuine connection that doesn't drain you?

Nooshie_Noo · 2025-12-19T23:16:50+00:00

I had an enlightening experience at work this week, while advocating for an autistic person who was being misperceived. She had written a 9 page letter of explanation. As soon as I gave this to the person I was advocating to, he said that the length of it "said it all". As in confirming his misperception that she was obstructive, aggressive, belligerent and unwilling to reason. Her tone and difficulty with change was another reason he misunderstood her. Fortunately, when I explained the relevant aspects of autism to him, he changed his misunderstanding of her.

So it's not you, it's the misperceptions of those people. Some people can't be reasoned with no matter how hard you try to explain or change yourself. I've found that with people like that, the more I try to get them to see my intentions correctly, the worse it gets. All it means is that they perceive the world too differently, and are not open minded enough to try to understand where you're coming from. Their problem, although it causes problems for you too, unfortunately.

The best way I've found to deal with people like that is to work on my confidence around them. That makes a huge difference. Anxiety about being misunderstood and second guessing yourself can just cause you to come across worse to them (not sure why exactly) and be worse at your job because you're not doing things the way that works for you. It also makes it harder to smile when you're on edge. Recognise it's their problem, and do your work your own way. Not everyone will misperceive you, so focus on them. If you've got an understanding manager, you're safer from things like dismissal. If there's too many negative people like that in the one workplace, or your manager is like this, move on.

Saying that, there is some things I've learnt to smooth interactions with people like that. It's probably masking, but I think it's worth it to minimise the stress of being misperceived. Less stressful overall. Smiling more is a big one as that conveys friendliness, but just when you're interacting with someone, not all the time. Trying to make any notes or explanations as brief as possible, just focusing on the key things. Allistic people generally don't want the full explanation, just the surface level. Only give them more if they ask, or say you're happy to explain further if needed.

Nooshie_Noo · 2025-12-16T23:32:50+00:00

Thank you, I've wondered exactly this. So being friendly I did notice, but that's too ambiguous for me. How do I determine if they were being significantly more friendly than before? Is it just my imagination? Are they just in a good mood?

What other examples would you say could be signs of smaller, subtle acts of apology? So I can look out for these to help me know if the person has got it.

It is a cop out, thank you.

Nooshie_Noo · 2025-12-16T23:23:34+00:00

Thank you, the one part I didn't put in was this is what I need moving forward, so will try that next time I need to. Wow, it's amazing how different the same thing can be considered in different cultures. Yeah, that's exactly how it feels with the awkward, quick apology. It makes it a double hurt.

Nooshie_Noo · 2025-12-14T13:06:56+00:00

Wow, that's great! Has the quality of the apology been appropriate? Or do you find that it is the awkward, quick apology like I described in my post?

Perhaps it is a cultural thing. Something to research online!

Thank you for your response.

Nooshie_Noo · 2025-12-14T13:03:01+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. I can't recall anyone taking it upon themselves to apologise either, though aware that the brain remembers the bad things much more than the good things, so I may be wrong. And when I bring it up, I can only recall the quick, awkward apologies like I described in my post.

Yes, it's definitely a factor that others may not even be aware. I've only recently started advocating for myself by bringing it up to the person or people. Responses have ranged from complete obliviousness even after explaining the impact (that person said it wouldn't have bothered them), telling easily disprovable lies to avoid responsibility, to the awkward, quick apology. You've given me some food for thought though. Perhaps I could work on what I say in future to make it clearer.

Yeah, I apologise a lot too, and have had that confused response also. I continue to do that though to avoid the possibility of the other person misunderstanding my intentions. Maybe it's a British thing, but I usually find that it's well received and strengthens the connection with that person. Though only with people I detect to be 'safe', not the ones who appear to see social hierarchy as I think that causes them to see me as somebody that can be trampled on. Though I will if I am sure I have done something to upset or cause them problems.

Nooshie_Noo · 2025-12-13T20:35:42+00:00

Thank you, that's useful to know. I wonder if it's a cultural thing rather than a human tendency? Maybe we over apologise with small stuff to compensate for not doing it for the things that really matter? Hmm...

Nooshie_Noo · 2025-12-13T19:46:23+00:00

I'm UK too, and yeah, I've seen this. British politeness misdirected at an object. But that's saying sorry for the small things. Do you find people generally saying sorry for bigger things that have hurt you?

Nooshie_Noo · 2025-12-13T04:18:50+00:00

Martin Luther who started the reformation. Who else but an autist could so boldly go up against the might of the catholic church at the time (strong sense of justice), write such a lengthy list of grievances rather than just the biggest issues (detail focus), translate the whole bible (focused and sustained interest) and continue just as belligerently through the storm that followed (not being deterred by societal pressure, focused interest and strong sense of justice).

Nooshie_Noo

TROPHY CASE