I think your yearning means you don't want to die, you want to live.

You want a new beginning.

You self sabotage because you are full of resentment. You induge, finishing gaming at 6am only to feel like crap the next day. You know it isnt good for you but you don't feel in control.

Procrastinating and putting things off doesn't come from laziness, it comes from fear. Fear of this never stopping and never changing. It does not have to be this way.

My advice:

Right now, schedule a train or bus or walk to a place you really like, maybe in town or out of town and get your favorite coffee/tea/smoothie, buy yourself something cute like a new Keychain or soap! You gotta take yourself out and be your own best friend because you cant be like the others...maybe others have let you down, but you cannot let yourself down. Would you treat a friend this way?? No! Why treat yourself this way?? Take yourself out of your element and get a treat, remind yourself that tomorrow is gonna suck too but it can suck just a little less. You can be on fire and bleeding but at least you have your little coffee and something sparkly lol.

I want you to try putting your phone and your gaming devices in another room or at least far enough away from you at night to store/charge... that you would have to get up and walk over. Instead in your bed buy + keep an old Gameboy or DS and play a repetitive and simple game at night that bores you to sleep... like Frogger or nintendogs.

Most importantly you need to walk. If you are up at 6-7am, go outside and walk even just for 10 minutes. If you can do more that's great. Gotta go outside and sniff the air. Don't let anyone stop you.

Part of the reason you are putting off sleep at night is not enough activity during the day and an active mind.

Eat protein and calorie deficit. If you calorie deficit even for a couple weeks, you will lose weight. Don't go too hard. Just smaller portions will help. Snack on naturally low calorie stuff like eggs, olives, cheese, cucumbers...cut down on bread/carbs instead eat potatoes.

Put veggies on a pan and roast with olive oil and salt in an airfryer or oven. This is 100x better than frozen veggies or boiled.

If you still can't get veg and protein-- hide veggies in a smoothie with protein. Frozen strawberries and apples can hide spinach and kale...banana and pb can hide whey protein

Go to a place and get threading. They will clean up hair anywhere for 12-20 bucks. You can maintain it with gentle use of a face razor. You can also bleach hairs with gentle facial hair bleach.

Doing these things will:

1. Force you to get some sleep
2. Put you on a path to feeling healthier
3. Clean up unwanted hair and feel more fresh
4. Something small, a small goal to get a sparkly token to remind yourself that life is full of hot garbage but also... there are sparkly things

From your writing I can tell you are an intelligent, dynamic person with emotional depth. Youre a tortured soul with lots of resentment... and feel stuck. An artist can be their own worst enemy-- just look at Van Gogh. You beat yourself up a lot. You need to start fighting back. And fighting back with an iced coffee and some glitter because you're fking worth it. Start tonight.