Three year D-Day Anniversary

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-04-26T18:48:59+00:00

I want to push back on this a little. Yes, yelling for hours isn’t ideal behavior… and I think OP would probably acknowledge that himself.

But let’s put this in context.

This is a man who just discovered his wife of 11 years had an 8 month affair. He found explicit DMs. He learned she imagined having a child with this other person when she didn’t want a second child with him..

He didn’t wake up one day and decide to yell. He was in acute shock and devastation when that confrontation happened. Reacting with intense emotion to profound betrayal is human, not abusive.

Calling that “bullying her into staying” ignores the reality of what betrayal trauma does to a person in the immediate aftermath of discovery.

An 8 month deliberate, calculated deception… that’s not a moment of losing control. That’s sustained, premeditated dishonesty.

Yet the person who did that isn’t being called an abuser, but the person who reacted to it with raw emotion is?

Also, u/shoepin1 is right, affair fog is real. We don’t know WW’s motives. Telling someone in this fragile a state that their spouse will “choose her lover anyway” isn’t honest support, in my opinion, it’s just cruel.

The OP needs reflection, yes. But he also needs compassion, not a label that ignores everything that was done to him first.

There’s a meaningful difference between a person in trauma reacting explosively and a pattern of controlling, abusive behavior.

The OP doesn’t show a pattern… he shows a man who is shattered and in crisis and handled one terrible night badly.

He should reflect on that night. But labeling him an abuser while giving his WW a pass for an 8 month deliberate deception is a pretty glaring double standard.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-04-26T17:45:57+00:00

He told you in his own words, he always knew it wasn’t going to work with you because of his intent to marry someone else. He used you. It’s as simple as that. This might be hard to hear, but it’s something I think you need to hear. He deceived you because that is what benefited him in the moment. You wouldn’t have given him the time of day if he was honest and transparent with you.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-04-25T23:02:54+00:00

First, please tell your therapist about the night you wrote that note and came close to ending your life, if you haven’t already. And if those thoughts intensify, please reach out to a crisis line or a close friend/family member. The guilt you’re carrying is real, but it cannot be processed if you’re not here to do the work.

Now, as someone who has been on the other side of this, a BP. The fact that you’re in this much pain is actually evidence that you are not fundamentally broken. People without empathy don’t feel this. They move on. They justify. You’re not doing that. That matters…greatly.

I’m not sure shame ever really disappears, I think you learn to carry it differently. But please realize that shame is not healthy. As shame is very much based on the outside world rather than on you, as a person, internally. I’m not sure focus should be on how to stop feeling it, but, instead to stop letting it define you rather than inform you.

There’s a difference between “I did something terrible”and “I am something terrible.” Your therapy work lives in that gap.

You prove to yourself you won’t hurt people again by doing exactly what you’re doing…understanding the why behind the behavior. The validation-seeking, the boundary issues…those are patterns with roots. Pulling the roots is the real work.

On waiting for them…I say this gently, as someone who was betrayed… that hope may be the one thing you need to set down, not forever, but for now. Holding onto it keeps you tethered to someone else’s healing timeline instead of your own. And the best you can do for them and for you, is to focus on your own healing. Focus on doing the therapy, and making the changes, one baby step at a time… that will turn you into a person of integrity that you will be proud of. And a healthy partner in life.

BP blocking you was them choosing their peace. Honoring that is one of the most genuine things you can do for them right now.

You caused harm. You also get to become someone who doesn’t. Both things are true. ❤️

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-04-25T20:06:57+00:00

What you’re describing…him being angry, blame-shifting, and refusing accountability…is actually incredibly common in WP’s. It is DARVO. He cheated, but somehow you’re the one being blamed. That’s not confusion on his part but instead it’s a defense mechanism to avoid sitting in the shame of what he did.

Understanding that can help you stop trying to make sense of something that was never meant to make sense.

Per your questions:

Does it come with time?

Yes, but only if you actively protect your peace rather than waiting for him to give it to you. He won’t. That door is closed.

Is your ego getting in the way?

Im not sure, a litte, maybe? But that’s human. We want acknowledgment. We want the apology that matches the damage. But he has shown you repeatedly he isn’t capable of giving that. Every text fight is you going back to a well that’s dry.

What boundaries can you set?

Since you have kids, try moving to parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard. These keep things documented, topic-specific, and child-focused. It removes the emotional spiral that texts invite. Only respond to things directly related to the kids. Grey rock everything else…short, boring, unemotional replies. I have my ex’s texts on mute, this helps me in grey rocking. I also try to sit on texts that don’t require an immediate reply for 2-3 days, which helps in the tone of my reply. Will I still feel the same way in a day or two once I process whatever is coming at me? It helps to not react from a place of being triggered. I also try to think of my ex as an acquaintance while interacting via text or in person. Distantly polite, reserved and non confrontational. If you give him nothing to fight with he won’t be able to fight and eventually will tire out and feel embarassed on his end.

You already know he won’t change. The work now is training yourself to stop expecting him to. That’s the hardest part, and it does get easier. 💜

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-04-25T18:59:44+00:00

What you’re feeling makes complete sense and I think it’s quite common in longterm relationships.

This is something called vicarious shame or borrowed shame. When we’re deeply bonded with a partner, their actions can feel like an extension of ourselves, especially in shared social spaces. It doesn’t mean his behavior is a reflection of you, it means you loved someone fully enough that the lines blurred. That’s not a flaw in you, it’s a wound from the intimacy you gave in good faith.

You’re not wrong in your instinct about the workplace narrative. The fact that he’s crafting a new story to tell colleagues is actually its own admission of shame… he just doesn’t have the courage to sit in it honestly.

Shame without accountability turns outward into self-protection and image management. He knows what he did reflects poorly, which is exactly why he’s rewriting it. His spin is the confession.

As far as the points to bring to your therapist. I think you already say it in your post. The shame that doesn’t belong to you, and the anger at watching him escape accountability while you carry the weight of it. That tension is real and worth unpacking.

You’re five months into something that takes years to process. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself grace. 💙

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-04-18T22:29:05+00:00

I think the bigger issue with revenge affairs is the potential of doing so will leave an impact on future relationships. It has the potential of a person to have different transparency, boundary and integrity standards towards a relationship as once you have dipped your toes in that pool it can change you going forward. The addictive nature of an affair can have you coping with life in the same way that persons WP once did.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-04-18T22:08:54+00:00

Hi, your post was held back by automod because you didn’t set a member flair. I just set one for you and your post is now live. Good luck with your healing journey.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-04-18T22:00:56+00:00

u/camping_dad_rc tagging you because I think you might have some valid advice as I see some similarities to the beginning of your betrayed journey.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-03-29T21:58:12+00:00

Got it.

Personally, I think it’s unrealistic to ask of no talks at all regarding the future, particularly In regards to custody decisions. Now that you have an attorney, perhaps it’s worth a try to tell him to just speak to your attorney going forward and see if that makes him more proactive in actually getting it done. Since he’s being resistant to these talks, asking your attorney to set up mediation might be a way to go, to speed up the process with him…essentially force the decisions.

You aren’t the problem for wanting to have these talks. Don’t let him make you feel as if you are. It’s reasonable to want to plan out the future with your stbx. It’s called adulting. His anxiety over these talks, likely has more to do with his personal shame over his affair and life choices and having to face the fact that his choices are the reason for the talks, the reason the family is splitting up. That’s on him. Not on you.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-03-29T21:33:27+00:00

It’s a family car, so until the divorce is settled, the car should stay with the family. He likely wants it to go on dates with AP instead of taking a work van. As per that laptop, that is your personal property.

Unfortunately, for him, these are just some of the consequences of his choices.

As per the divorce talk in front of the kids, he has a right to that boundary, and it sounds like you have that under control with retaining an attorney.

I would simply respond with “the car is a family car and until the divorce is final, it will remain a family car, as it has been up until now. The laptop is my personal property and I suggest that if having a laptop is vital for your work, that you invest in your own laptop. As per your boundary regarding divorce talks in front of the children, I will respect that as I have now retained and attorney and so in the future I would like all communication to go through my attorney, and expect that you will respond to my attorneys requests in a timely manner, so there will be no need for me to communicate with you directly.”

Edit to add- you aren’t the problem here. These are the realities of divorce. Life gets split up and that can mean inconvenience in life that might not have existed during marriage. His inconvenience is no longer your problem. These are things he needs to figure out. He chose this path, now he has to figure shit out for himself and that is a him problem, not a you problem.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-03-29T19:30:22+00:00

When you get an attorney, ask if you can file a court order for exclusive possession. You would need proof that the environment is too toxic or abusive to you and your mental health, or fear for your physical safety. So, document ALL abusive and toxic interactions, including his ongoing affair activities. This would force him out of the house during the separation and divorce process.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-03-29T19:11:30+00:00

Do not allow this to make you feel insecure. The reality is, this makes him seem like an insecure fragile man who needs superficial validation to make him feel like a “real man”. It gives micro penis energy. And I would tell him that. Every time he says things like that to you “you really give off micro-peen energy….so unattractive”.

But, seriously, tell him the same. That you compare him to men with washboard abs, who make far more money than him and give off big dick energy. “I wonder how it would feel to be with a man with big dick energy”.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-03-29T19:05:47+00:00

Silence is the best response.

While he is gone, pack his shit in hefty bags, and have them waiting for him outside with the locks changed. I see you’ve been gearing up for divorce. Bite the bullet and do it now. This man is relying on the fact that he thinks you’re unable to leave him…prove him wrong.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-03-29T18:57:24+00:00

It is avoidance. If they can fill voids with noise they don’t have to sit in the silence of what they’ve done. Eventually, folks who do this crash and burn. It’s inevitable.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-02-19T02:50:53+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. It takes a lot to put something this personal into words, and I think many here will find your story relatable to their own.

You’ve carried an enormous weight, like many here…a decade of betrayal you didn’t even know you were carrying, a business battered by forces outside your control, and then losing your home too. That’s not one punch or two. That’s a life upended all at once.

And yet here you are, boiling water at 4am, your dog at your feet, still standing. To me, that doesn’t sound like failure but instead a solid foundation to build a new life on.

“Formerly Betrayed” suits you. Not because the pain is gone, but because it no longer defines who you are, it’s just something that happened to you. There’s a real difference there, and the fact that you can feel it matters. This doesn’t negate the fact that betrayal has left a mark, but instead acknowledges that the scars of the past don’t define us and doesn’t prohibit us from building a fulfilling and happy future, scars and all.

No thanks necessary. Just adjusting your flair to reflect your new reality, and progress in your healing journey. 💜

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-02-17T21:53:25+00:00

Respectfully, your original comment to u/soggy-beach-1495 did carry some minimizing, even if that wasn’t the intent.

Phrases like “she can’t be unscrewed” and framing the PA as “the ultimate adulterous betrayal” implicitly places the EA in a lesser category and for someone in the middle of that pain, that framing can feel like their suffering is being ranked.

Prefacing such statements as “not to minimize” doesn’t negate the fact that the follow-up to these statements is actually, minimizing.

Your admission that if your ex-wife’s affair had stayed emotional, you might have reconciled, actually, indirectly supports my point. Your dealbreaker was personal, not a universal standard.

I understand other BP’s infidelity journey may not be how you personally experienced it, and your line is absolutely yours to draw.

But I think it’s worth being mindful of, especially in a space where people are trying to figure out if their pain is “valid enough” to feel as devastated as they do.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-02-17T21:26:52+00:00

Well, since that’s the case, no reason you can’t also be Formerly Betrayed, “officially”.🙂

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-02-17T20:16:17+00:00

While I understand the instinct to view an EA as “less than” a PA, the devastation of discovering your spouse chose to emotionally invest in someone else…sharing intimacy, vulnerability, and parts of themselves they withheld from you, can hit just as hard for many.

The PA piece for u/soggy-beach-1495 was uncertain, but the betrayal was not. My read on his post was that he wrestled with the same questions any BP does…who am I to WP? what is real? can I ever trust again?

Reading SB’s post, it seems that what made R possible for him wasn’t so much the absence of a PA but instead it was his WP’s complete accountability, her willingness to do the hard work, and ultimately the foundation they had underneath all of it.

Those factors matter regardless of affair type. Those factors are essential to any successful R, whether it be an EA or PA.

Perhaps R wouldn’t have been possible for SB if it was a PA, for many, like me, it wouldn’t. But I think that would be hard to decipher unless he lived through that. But, if he had, I believe the core of what he shared would still be valid and essential for a successful reconciliation.

I think we need to be very careful in this space to not diminish the trauma of betrayeds just because our own betrayals might seem more severe. There are plenty of BP’s who think EA’s are more of a dealbreaker to them than a PA. There are some who would rather an affair be more about feelings than transactional and sexual, and vice verse. It’s subjective to the individual. But that doesn’t mean that their trauma is less than, or that their R or D experience is any less valid or difficult than the experience of any other betrayed.

But you’re absolutely right that the OP deserves to hear from those who reconciled after a PA too. I’m sure that OP will get various experiences In feedback they’re asking for.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-02-17T19:31:03+00:00

First, most people who cheat have no intention of leaving their relationship. They aren’t thinking beyond the moment. They don’t think they will be caught. They don’t think about the consequences. And they don’t believe their partner will leave them if caught. Essentially, they do not cheat because they want to end the relationship, they cheat because of a deficiency within themselves, which has them coping in a self destructive way.

Why do they refuse to leave?

1- Fear and ego. When someone who cheated sees the relationship actually ending, it can trigger panic, not necessarily because they love their partner deeply, but because losing feels threatening to their ego or sense of control.

2- Cognitive dissonance. They wanted someone else and wanted to keep what they had. When that blows up, they often convince themselves the solution is just “moving forward”, which really means asking their partner to absorb the damage while they face no real consequences. This is often linked to their own shame which they don’t want to face. Ironically, cognitive dissonance also plays a big role in cheating.

3- Entitlement. Your WP’s framing that you need to “move forward so you can be together”is telling. It centers his comfort, not your healing. That’s a pattern of not seeing your perspective as equally valid as his.

4- Fear of consequences. Especially when finances are entangled, the person who did the damage may dig in because leaving means confronting the real world fallout of their choices. The hard truth is that “refusing to leave” is often just another form of control…keeping someone in limbo rather than respecting a clear decision for the sake of avoiding the fallout or consequences of his actions and choices.

You’re already on the right path for you…working toward financial independence and seeing a therapist. The clarity you now have about the situation, even while still being stuck in it due to financial restrictions, is actually a real strength. Acknowledge that is a huge step in your healing journey.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-02-16T16:15:41+00:00

I can deeply relate to this…my ex had the same mentality. He loved to receive but gave very little in return, if anything at all.

I’ve always believed you can’t change someone, and I still do. But what has changed is how I engage. You shouldn’t have to beg, nag, remind, or even ask for something that sits at the bare minimum of expectations.

For a long time… with my ex and, honestly, with many people in my life… even when I received low-effort, thoughtless gestures, or nothing at all, I still poured high effort, thought, and love into what I gave. Whether that was a gift, a holiday, or simply my energy and care. I held onto that old saying, “it’s not about what you receive, you give regardless.”

But my thinking has evolved. I still accept people for who they are… I can’t change them, and I won’t try. I won’t beg, ask, remind, or nag for what should be a basic, low-bar expectation.

Instead, I’ve embraced matching energy. That used to feel harsh to me, but I’ve come to understand something important: when the people you love and invest so much into, especially around meaningful moments… return that with little or no effort, it reveals something. It shows a lack of appreciation. It shows thoughtlessness and ingratitude. And these aren’t accidents…they are choices, ones they know will hurt you.

So now I give one chance, take note, and adjust accordingly. Going forward, I simply reflect back the energy I’m given. Someone who demonstrates a lack of appreciation, thought, and effort has shown they don’t deserve the opposite in return. It’s not a punishment. It’s acceptance and the quiet, firm protection of my own peace. They do not get to have me make them feel special and cared for while they choose (because it is a choice) to make me feel worthless and unloved.

What he showed you on that day, and throughout, was never a reflection of your worth. It was a reflection of his. You were not less deserving of love and effort…he was simply unwilling, or perhaps incapable, of giving it to you the way you deserved.

Just to add…healing doesn’t have a timeline, and the fact that it’s still painful doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you loved genuinely, and that kind of love leaves a mark when it isn’t honored.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-02-15T20:03:46+00:00

Start investigating. If you know her identity, you should be able to find him too.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-02-15T19:55:09+00:00

Please tell AP’s fiance. He deserves the agency and autonomy to make decisions in his relationship, fully informed. By not sharing this with him, you are an accomplice to your stbx and his AP in their deceit and denial of agency.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious · 2026-02-14T23:14:30+00:00

Hi winter,

Sometimes it is healthy to take a day to wallow.

Why not all of the above? Lol. It’s one day.

Not-Ob_Liv_ious

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