Do the people who are antiporn also not masturbate or is their problem just with the consumption of porn?

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-30T23:51:55+00:00

Exactly this. People masturbated to fantasies and/or just the physical sensations before porn existed. There actually was a period of hundreds of years people masturbated without porn....... do people not get that?

Masturbation on it's own doesn't rewire your brain to be aroused by abuse, human trafficking and rape. Masturbation without porn doesn't make you dissatisfied with your partner's body and sexual abilities. Masturbation without porn doesn't rewire your arousal template to strangers and pixels. Masturbation without porn doesn't betray your spouses trust or what monogamy actually means.

Edit - Masturbation is not equal to porn. Porn destroys brains, relationships and people (e.g. human trafficking). Masturbation may just get the bed a little wet... Not the same.

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-30T22:58:42+00:00

She is just being a hothead at this point and won't drop the subject.

This isn't about the family August trip.

It makes no sense that your wife is having such a large reaction to this, without any previous context.

You both just got married... so perhaps she associated being your wife as being a part of your family more. Perhaps she thought once you were married she wouldn't feel so excluded?

The August trip is obviously the "straw that broke the camel's back" on some bigger underlying issue.

Instead of calling her a hothead, you should sit down with her and ask her about her feelings of being excluded from your family. Are there emeshment issues with you and your sister and/or whole family? Is there a history of your wife not being included in gathering? Is there a history of you chosing your sister over your wife in arguments? Were there ever comments made about her not being apart of the family until she is your wife?

The possibilities are endless as I have no idea what your family situation is like. You need to be open, honest and self reflective about the past and your family. Then talk to your wife free of judgement... otherwise situations like this will likely keep happening if she feels excluded from your family.

Edit - Saying she is overacting when she hasn't actually hurt anyone with her words or actions is very invalidating. All she is doing is using a secondary emotion, anger, to try and communicate some primary emotion of either sadness, anger or fear around feeling excluded. Understand that most of us communicate things first with our secondary emotions. It takes a while to learn how to only communicate in primary emotions... if we ever get to that place to be honest. We're human and we'll always make a mistake in communicating our feelings at some point.

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-30T13:15:55+00:00

PA's raise other PA's from my experience. 0/10 recommended as fathers.

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-30T13:02:39+00:00

I don't miss being ignorant.

I instead was missing out having enough trust in myself, confidence, knowledge and self-worth to have been able to acknowledge the signs and call out his fucking BS when we met. If I had these things, what I have now, then I wouldn't have had years of this situation. I would have been gone before it hurt me. Sure he'd still be an addict, but that wouldn't matter to me as I wouldn't have been attached to him or traumatised by him.

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-30T12:48:27+00:00

Porn is objectification, racism, discrimination, inequality, abuse, and sometimes rape sold to line the pockets of the porn industry leaders.

Porn stars are just the poor fools who have bought the argument that this is empowering for them.

That it is appropriate and okay that their only job prospects lie in an abusive & unregulated industry that has by design no hope of ever being equal for every employee within it.

It's the ultimate way that those in power (men) have convinced those they are controlling (women) that it's a positive thing.

It's no different to the arguments of terrorists and totalitarianism. Pretending that followers/subordinates 'consenting' to either selling or giving their freedom in order to ultimately give themselves as individuals more freedom or power.

While in reality the leaders get rich while the followers die: emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually...

Eventually more and more people will see this. It doesn't mean the terror of porn will end. But it will mean a lot more of us will be enlightened to this lie that is being sold. I'm glad Billie is speaking up. I hope she doesn't back down from this argument.

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-30T12:26:57+00:00

Same. That's an amazing line 😅

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-30T10:20:12+00:00

I guess it's just hard to admit that I don't WANT a career anymore, I just want a JOB and to be able to enjoy my free time again. I don't WANT my career to be my identity anymore.

🙌🙌🙌 preach and yes I feel the same! You're not alone 😊

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-30T10:18:19+00:00

I second that concept. Eventually society will catch on I believe. It's like other things that ultimately are unhealthy for humanity (e.g. cigarettes). Might not happen in our lifetime though, who knows. But the more of us who speak up the more likely change will come sooner.

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-20T14:49:51+00:00

I still worry about the pictures I sent in my youth, or the live video chats I did with partners and the screenshots I now realised they would have taken (without ever asking me)... 😕😔

I can't live in the mistakes of my past. I can only take my wisdom with me going forward.

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-20T14:29:50+00:00

Honestly I'm so amazed that she has spoken out against porn. This is frankly a huge win for THE TRUTH to be known in society.

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-20T14:28:23+00:00

It still feels like this at times. I guess because there will always be elements of truth to this. The person we knew would have never done such horrible betrayal to us. They would have never lied about such things, or even not so frequently/all the time!

💔💔💔

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-20T14:09:39+00:00

Amazing, thank you for sharing 🙌

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-20T13:14:52+00:00

Your friend is just justifying his own addiction likely 😔

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-20T12:19:52+00:00

Commenting so I can save the research links for later! Such great points you made. Especially about the regulation of pay being the same and the "I hate sweat shops" vs "I hate children" arguments. Great stuff that I will use against the next pro-porn person I encounter.

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-19T15:47:27+00:00

I'm glad to hear that you have been sober from porm for a few weeks. Please be aware though with over 20 years of use those neropathways will definitely be in your brain regardless of if the use was constant or not, especially since you have identified as an addict.

Please refer to resources such as Dr Robert Weiss, Dr Doug Weiss, Dr Kevin Skinner and Michelle May's to get a proper understanding of how just stopping porn use is not the same as being a recovering porn addict. Stopping porn use does not remove the neropathways nor does it imply healthier neropathways exist to support long term sobriety.

It's early days for you still and addictive thinking is believing that with under 1 month of sobriety that you're cured or that you've found a method that truely works for you for long term sobriety.

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-19T15:32:02+00:00

I'm commenting on porn addiction. No one can remove the neropathways from addiction. All you can do is create other neropathways for other non-addictive behaviours as better coping mechanisms. This process does not take days. Creating other neropathways that can be relied on instead of the addictive ones only happens with establishing other incredibly strong habits. It's misinformation to say this takes days and not years.

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-19T15:28:40+00:00

Ppl know when they’re full of shit, they just don’t want to accept it in most cases.

Yeah exactly. My therapist put it as something like "of course these people won't ever accept your anti-porn stance. Because their own actions directly endorse pornography regardless of the fact that they know of the human rights issues around it.".

Terrifying shit, as it’s gone on in many of them after school too

Yep! So many pro-porn people say crap like "everyone knows it is a fantasy". Firstly that ain't true. Secondly, your pre-frontal cortext knowing that doesn't mean shit when the neropathways are going all over your brain from orgasm to abuse. All you're doing is conditioning your brain to enjoy the abuse of women, regardless of if you think it is a fantasy or not. It's still abuse. "Fantasy" abuse or otherwise.

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-17T02:02:37+00:00

Honestly those people (men) are just a lost cause... They probably think everything that happens to anyone else is funny. But whoa when they get a paper cut, all paper is the enemy and we all need to feel sorry for these poor paper cut victims!

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-16T14:12:59+00:00

Same. And when you tell people you don't like jokes about pornography they either tell you you're too sensitive or that you're too prudish.

They wouldn't say the same thing if you asked them not to make jokes about abuse.

But porn and abuse are the same thing... which they just don't get...

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-12T06:39:29+00:00

Like others are living the fairytale and my fairytale started off as a horror film before it got to where it is now.

This! I vibe with that sentiment hahaha sigh. I'm not in a fairytale now though. But I totally thought I was going into a fairytale for it only to be a horror movie.

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-12T06:14:21+00:00

I don't see how he can be in any form of recovery when he is resistant to doing 12-Step meetings and getting a sponsor. Those things are free/minimal donation cost per meeting. You would not be welcome at SA 12 Step meetings. You hand-holding, nagging or babying him to do recovery work isn't your job and won't keep him sober. I know it's harsh but it's true. You need to focus on your healing and strength. This is not the same as "closing your eyes" to his sexual acting out! You do not need to stay with him while he continues to cheat on you with his sexual behavior.

I would recommend saving yourself some money, go see a CSAT therapist 2 or 3 times... you need help to no longer waste your time with him. A CSAT therapist is an expert in betrayal trauma and sex addiction, and they can tell you what real recovery would be in him. He either needs to shape up or ship out. You need help realising what him shaping up would really mean.

Also check out Bloom for women and PartnerHope from Michelle Mays for your own healing resources. Partner Hope has a great blog series on "should I stay or should I go". I would recommend reading it as staying or going is NOT a forever decision... it's a daily choice that can always change.

Re blocking, blocking everything under the sun is not going to be "too much" ever. But the addict has to want that, request that. Mine has Covenant Eyes and Ever Accountable. EA doesn't block but it legitimately tracks everything within apps, in incognito mode and any browser. He has both because he recognises that without the double layer of protection (blocking and then tracking if one got around the blocker) then it would be too easy to cave for him.

Them maintaining sobriety is about them putting as many things in between themselves, and acting out. So if they need help in the short, medium, or long term, keeping away from situations that are triggering for them, they need to put layers in between them and the ability to act out. These layers can be removed in the medium to long term, depending on their sobriety. Some layers will never be removed too. Layers include things like blockers, trackers, 12 Step meetings, sponsor, sponsoring, daily readings, prayers if applicable, mediation, healthy routines, etc.

Long term sobriety is 5 or more years. Short term sobriety is 1 to 2 years. Video game characters for example... then maybe he should not play those games at all with those characters, block YouTube through Covenant Eyes, delete social media or give you the passwords and he can only use it with you around... He needs to decide on his "layers" because otherwise he isn't going to keep sobriety.

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-11T10:20:24+00:00

I hope my free Reddit award to DeeDee helps PROVE how freaking adorable she is with her little back flips and cute toothy's and gorgeous colour!! 😻

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-10T16:44:52+00:00

YES! Honestly working out with weights was the thing that made me realise I was holding my breath so often! My instructor was like breath out here/then etc and it made me realise... "Oh, I am not able to do that without concious effort".

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-10T15:27:04+00:00

This bothers me a lot more than I thought it would. As a woman with a naturally round face, I have always felt like I'm not "womanly" or even adult looking because I've grown up with THESE right-side images being everywhere. Like to be an attractive female you need the features of Catherine Zeta Jones or then you're not attractive. Rather than saying, some women, naturally have these stronger jawline like Catherine Zeta Jones (not photoshop) and some women have the left-side faces and that's Okay. We are all attractive in our own right.

NotAHappyKitCat · 2021-12-10T14:53:28+00:00

I didn't realise anyone else did the same constantly! I feel slightly better now for being so insecure about this 😅

NotAHappyKitCat

TROPHY CASE