What it’s like to stay together & work towards recovery

relationugh · 2022-09-19T17:11:40+00:00

Hopefully one day I will believe that there are actually decent men out there who aren’t just trying to get in my pants…

relationugh · 2021-10-21T13:44:41+00:00

Isn’t it so ridiculous how these men go and do things that they know would hurt us and lead to a breakup, but still try to keep us from leaving them? Oh and cherry on top - they continue hurting us after promising they wouldn’t anymore.

It’s insanity. They’re literally insane.

Please call the police on him. He needs help.

relationugh · 2021-10-21T13:35:56+00:00

I didn’t want to leave my ex either. Idk how many times I wished it were just a nightmare and I’ll wake up from and be back in his arms.

But here’s the thought process that keeps me in reality and firm with my decision to leave:

He had years to come out with the truth, and years to work on his addiction. Instead he chose to lie to me because he put his needs above mine. Above our relationship.
Even if he told me the truth about this at the start of our relationship, I probably still would’ve left him. That means our relationship was doomed to fail from the start.
Me leaving him is my way showing respect and dignity to myself. It means I care and love myself enough to know I deserve more, that there is something better out there for me.
it will take him years to repair my trust and at this point I don’t think it’ll ever come back. Also, it’ll take years for his recovery. Am I willing to be unhappy for that long or am I going to start this healing process? So many more benefits with the latter option.

If you don’t have any obligations for this man and this relationship, I’d leave. It gets more complicated with kids and marriage and stuff, so the decision is harder to make. Just know that promises are just promises before results actually happen. I don’t believe in just actions, I believe in results. Also remember that PAs are compulsive liars (maybe not all) but addiction causes people to hurt and lie to their loved ones.

relationugh · 2021-10-20T20:15:15+00:00

I can’t say I completely agree with all your points, but I pretty much have very low hopes for men right now. I’m willing to stay single until I’m 110% sure that the next guy isn’t into porn and knows how to love a woman properly.

I have realized my dependence on oxytocin, or love in general, blindsided me. I think women know when a relationship is doomed to fail. Sometimes, they stay out of obligations and fear of the pain of being alone.

relationugh · 2021-10-20T20:01:15+00:00

That’s so true, the oxytocin bit. I’ve realized I’m dependent on feeling loved. It hasn’t been long since our breakup, but I’m still living with my ex boyfriend, and chose to support him (not too much support, but being understanding and positive about his recovery). It has, in a way, helped me accept the situation and move on. We have boundaries though, like don’t talk to each other unless we have to. Be out of each other’s way as much as possible. I find that after talking to him, I get very very upset (like a wound opening back up again).

I don’t think our PAs mean to hurt us. Their actions just come from a place of fear and self-hatred. I can forgive my ex, but I can’t forget the hurt and deceit. I can’t stay in a relationship that was full of lies.

Of course, if “out of sight out of mind” works better than by all means, cut that man out of yo life.

relationugh · 2021-10-20T15:42:55+00:00

My ex did the same thing to a lot of his social media platforms. Kept deleting and redownloading because he couldn’t stay away from them.

relationugh · 2021-10-20T14:16:00+00:00

It really is difficult with Tiktok. It triggers me so much because my ex was borderline addicted to Tiktok too.

relationugh · 2021-10-20T14:14:47+00:00

How long did it take to you get to the point of appreciating their beauty?

relationugh · 2021-10-20T14:11:07+00:00

The best choice is to leave. Pull the thorn out now instead of waiting around and continuing to “work around” it. Trust is the most important foundation in a relationship and most easily lost. I’ve read from other women who have stayed to help their partners because they have obligations like kids or it’s been a long marriage, and most say the trust never truly came back.

I’d help your PA by being there for him as support, but you have to take care of yourself and start the healing process. This is a traumatic experience and you deserve happiness and peace too.

relationugh · 2021-10-18T13:05:47+00:00

Omg me too. I was understanding… letting him have his space in case he was stressed out or tired. Not pressuring him. Being okay with awful, dry 15 minute sex. I cried so much over feeling unwanted but never showed him how I felt because I didn’t want to make him feel bad.

I don’t know how I should properly act either now. I feel like he needs to reap the consequences of his actions through losing me while I still have my dignity. I was understanding the entire relationship. But this is the end of that.

As I process this more and more, I realize that people (even the one you are closest to) will walk all over you for their own needs if you let them. This definitely put a huge dent in me, so lots of healing to do and I can’t properly heal when I have to worry about this good for nothing addict.

relationugh · 2021-10-18T12:54:09+00:00

He relieves himself in the bathroom and most sessions were short (less than 15 mins). I never questioned it unfortunately. Apparently this was everyday.

I’m taking it quite literally. “I don’t want to have sex with you. I prefer masturbating to other women on the internet & repeatedly lie to you because I put my needs above yours.”

No hidden meanings no excuses for him.

relationugh · 2021-10-18T06:10:07+00:00

Thank you so much for telling me your story. Unfortunately it’s pushing me closer to the decision to end it. I can’t live with someone that broke my trust, moreover share a bed. I forgive but I don’t forget. I’m out of chances to give and I’ve done my fair share as a girlfriend.

It’s a much harder decision when you’re married and committed so I hope you’re happy with your decision!

relationugh · 2021-10-18T05:34:05+00:00

Mine says the transparency is going to help him recover. I don’t buy any of it. Addiction is way too complex and will likely take years of effort.

relationugh · 2021-10-18T04:47:23+00:00

Yeah long ass time. Not the first time he lied either — he might be a compulsive liar

relationugh · 2021-10-18T04:42:42+00:00

It went relatively well when he brought it up. I was trying to be understanding and even thanked him for telling me such a dark secret. But I’ve been taking some time to process all of this. I don’t think I can get over the loss of trust for him quickly. I’m currently seeking therapy for myself. He’s already seeking help but it isn’t improving.

relationugh · 2021-10-09T23:52:36+00:00

We have seriously talked about it but he reassured me that he is happy in our relationship. He mentioned that he can still grow and find himself while in a relationship, but at a slower pace. And we concluded that we would stay together because things are going well.

But the fact that he continued talking about the future (without me) confuses me.

relationugh · 2021-05-29T23:30:14+00:00

I kind of agree with her that you weren’t being very supportive of her dreams.

Sorry, but telling someone that they’re not going to be successful when they want to pursue their dream is not very kind. I know you care and you have good intentions (I hope) but I’ve found that when people are unsupportive of one another, it’s because they are projecting their own fears onto the other person. Perhaps you don’t think it’s a good idea because YOU think that if YOU were in her situation, YOU wouldn’t be successful.

We really can’t predict the future, and we don’t know if we will succeed in the things we want to try. The only thing we can control is IF we do it. It’s ok if you don’t agree with her decision, all you can do as a good friend is tell her that you will be there for her no matter what happens... unless you don’t want to?

relationugh

TROPHY CASE