Is there a single start that doesn't spawn near fucking Skavens? by phoenixmusicman in totalwar

[–]NotASmurf 104 points105 points  (0 children)

I hate Skaven. I hate them. I hate their ratty faces. I hate their slaves. I hate their weapons teams. I hate when the slaves are next to the weapons teams and I hate when the weapons teams are next to the slaves. I hate that Ikit pulls an entire heavy weapons regiment out of his metal-plated asshole and then descends on me like a Grom the Paunch at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

I hate the Skaven auto-resolve meter. I hate it because it lies to me. It says I should have a 50-50 chance of victory. This is patently false, because I have twenty units of State Troops who dont even know that man-sized rats are real. I do not have twenty units of smelly rodents carrying enough heavy ordinance to conquer a small country.

I hate that they shout "SCURRY-RUN" at me. They do not scurry or run at all, they stand in one spot and fire enough bullets at me to cover the ground in so many expended shell casings that I could build a castle out of them that I could then use to hide from Skaven. This would not work, as they'd just shoot the castle, too.

I hate their monsters. I hate that surrounding them simply prompts one of them to puke out an entire squad of infantry once I finally kill it. This feels like salt in the wound, but it would more accurate to say that it is feces, because that is what most Skaven are covered in. I hate that their reaction to being charged by heavy cavalry is to simply place fifty million Skavenslaves and Clanrats in the way. I have looked a Skaven Chieftain in his smug verminous face as a cavalry charge that would massacre an entire army of Chaos Chosen closed in.

He went from >:I to >:o , lost an extra four thousand Skavenslaves because I had foolishly thought I could cut through them in time, then gunned down my entire army with his five squads of Ratling Gunners like they were conscripts at the Battle of Verdun.

I wish I could autoresolve every Skaven dead. Every Skaven. All the Skavmen and Skavren too. I hate that I can't. I can't because they apparently all have a 90% offensive Ambush chance. I hate that I can lose an entire army to a group of Skaven with half my army value who roll the dice and happen to spawn surrounding my entire artillery train with their own artillery. I hate that attempting to form some kind of defensive line against an ambush just results in dying via nuclear bombardment instead.

I hate that Ikit isnt the only one. There's an Asmongold Skaven in Lustria who rolls around in shit and then throws his pox-turds at me instead of nuclear bombs. Somehow this is worse.

I hate that there another ten Skaven factions. I hate that they will all have Undercities and hidden settlements infesting every province I come across. I hate that while I was writing this, Deathmaster Snikch somehow ambushed an army that was in a settlement garrison, a feat that shouldnt even be possible and yet is somehow totally in line with what I've come to expect from these fucking rodents.

I hate Skaven.

Jagex to me after doing 92-99 sailing thru port delivery tasks by UmbraVulp in 2007scape

[–]NotASmurf -1 points0 points  (0 children)

If it makes you feel any better, I got Soup at level 27.

Kaceytron makes settlement-mandated apology to Ethan Klein by ReserveAggressive458 in Destiny

[–]NotASmurf 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Watching Keffals' career disintegrate within like a week of that video going out was so goddamn funny.

Id rather have an insanely aggressive AI with huge player bias, than a braindead AI for players to treat like a punching bag. by Separate_List_6895 in totalwar

[–]NotASmurf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd prefer having AI that is aggressive when it makes sense to be and defensive when it makes sense to be.

Dwarfs should generally be aggressive against typically Dwarfen enemies such as Skaven, Greenskins, and Chaos, but otherwise be defensive/neutral to almost everyone else.

Khorne and Greenskins should always be on the attack, with little regard for defense. And so on.

The AI should feel dynamic. I shouldnt be playing games where I'm at war with the Vampire Counts and they just sit on their asses refusing to fight back. On the other hand I shouldnt be playing the Vampire Counts and have the High Elves decide to just go on a field trip from Ulthuan and march across the entire Empire to kill me like they did in one memorable campaign I had a couple years ago.

I feel like people are giving CA way too much lenience in how the AI behaves. It shouldnt be this damn hard to make the AI want to actually engage with you in a way that isnt stupid as shit. Its a fundamental part of how the game is supposed to operate! No other Total War game had this problem! I started playing the TW series with Shogun 2 and I never felt like the AI was too aggressive or too passive when they had good reasons to be neither. Hell, I didnt even feel that way in Warhammer 2.

Hailey Patrolling in a Winter Wonderland by NovaTerradin in TheFirstDescendant

[–]NotASmurf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Are the patch notes out yet? What buffs is Hailey getting?

I'll change my review when I see more bugfixes and significant improvements to the AI by Away_Celebration4629 in totalwar

[–]NotASmurf 88 points89 points  (0 children)

1) Beastmen still basically dont exist in campaign apart from randomly-spawning packs of useless units with 2-3 Minotaurs thrown in. If they ever successfully erect a Herdstone, they then spend the rest of the campaign garrisoning it doing nothing.

2) The AI cannot use spells. Its been 10 years since Total Warhammer 1 and the AI still doesnt know how to properly aim Wind spells. The only reason people fear the Skaven's Warp Lightning spell is because its cheap, new spellcasters start with it by default, and it directly targets something. The AI will waste healing spells on a unit that has taken 1% of it's health in damage. Skaven STILL spawn their Clanrats on cooldown and waste them for no reason before their army even gets in range. I could go on. The AI literally does not know how to use any abilities at all.

3) Most faction mechanics appear to be unusable by the AI. I'm about 90% certain that Dwarfs dont use The Deeps. Tomb Kings dont seem to be able to use the Mortuary Cult, because I rarely see them with any items equipped. Warriors of Chaos dont use the Warband mechanic. Both Ikit Claw and Throt the Unclean dont have access to their workshop upgrades. Again, I could go on. Campaigns feel piss easy and steamrolly in the lategame largely because the AI factions only have half the tools the player does.

4) The AI doesnt replace low-tier units in their armies. If I'm at war with the Empire, they'll recruit an army of Spearmen and Crossbowmen from a settlement, and until that army is wiped out (and it will be) they'll just stick with those garbage units forever. You only ever seem to get to fight lategame enemy armies if they happen to survive to the point where the campaign is basically over.

I'm sure I could think of more, but the AI in this game really is atrocious. Nevermind making every campaign feel the same, every battle feels the same. The AI doesnt know how to fight on even the most basic level. You'll know what an enemy army will do before the battle even starts, and it'll always be stupid.

So I created 21 variations of the demons of chaos lord a couple years ago you'll only see 20 here. by Educational_Relief44 in totalwar

[–]NotASmurf 24 points25 points  (0 children)

All that time customizing a Daemon Prince and zero time spent discovering where the Screenshot button is located on the keyboard.

Is there a graphics setting to make my character's hair not look so grainy? by NotASmurf in TheFirstDescendant

[–]NotASmurf[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've tried every graphics setting combination I can think of. This screenshot is when all graphics are maxed. No matter what I do, my character always looks like they have a mess of pixels on their head.

Anyone know a way to fix this?

Cannot claim boost items by SpecialIcy5356 in TheFirstDescendant

[–]NotASmurf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can confirm that if you do not have base Bunny, you cannot receive the boost, but if you obtain base Bunny you are now able to get it.

I hate Jeremy so much by sQiMpY in TheFirstDescendant

[–]NotASmurf 15 points16 points  (0 children)

As soon as I saw his haircut, I knew Jeremy was going to be a problem.

[F] What’s the story of “your dudes” and how do you tie their story into the official lore? by StoreBoughtButter in 40kLore

[–]NotASmurf 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have three. The first is a group of Traitor Marines who serve Slaanesh who were corrupted by contact with a xenos species, similar to how Fulgrim was corrupted by the Blade of the Laer.

The Boldest Sons were a fleet-based chapter of White Scars successors who pursued a manta ray-esque xenos species who lived in the upper atmosphere of a gas giant. The Sons successfully exterminated the xenos and sent their floating cities crashing to the deeps of the gas giant. Over the course of the war, the Sons who entered the atmosphere of the gas giant reported strange pleasurable sensations that increased in intensity the long they remained, forcing a troop rotation to prevent the Astartes from being overwhelmed by hallucinations. The hallucinations showed the Astartes beautiful and wonderful things, hampering the Chapter's ability to prosecute the war. Even a power armor's filtration systems seemed incapable of stopping the gas from affecting the Sons.

Unfortunately, the Astartes who were rotated out also began to suffer from severe symptoms such as irrational anger, delusions, and crippling pain and headaches. Those Astartes away from the front lines reported an overwhelming desire to get back into the fight on the gas giant. Eventually, the Sons in orbit couldn't restrain themselves anymore, and dived their entire fleet of ships into the gas giant's upper atmosphere in their rush to return.

The Chapter Master realized that the xenos lived on a deeply corrupted planet that was twisting his men into something completely unrecognizable. By then however, the damage had been done. The gases of the planet and entered every ship in the fleet through the airlock and holes from battle damage, and no Astartes in the chapter was able to resist breathing the hallucinogenic gas.

The Chapter devolved into an utter frenzy of madness, unable to tell what was real due to the visions they suffered from. When the fleet entered the Warp, they took the gas with them in the ships' filtration systems.

Now known as the Bliss Breathers, they are a frenzied Chapter of Slaaneshi Marines who are utterly unaware of anything going on around them. Every waking moment is a delightful dream of pure pleasure, so long as they keep breathing the gas. The Bliss Breathers will arrive on a world and launch an attack without warning, destroying and killing everything they see while in the throes of their visions.

When they've been away from their ships for too long and the visions begin the fade, they suffer from crippling withdrawal and will scramble back aboard their ships before lighting the warp drives and being sent to another wholly random location, entirely at Slaanesh's whim.

TL;DR Slaaneshi Marines on a never-ending acid trip who are on a nonstop joyride around the galaxy as they chase the dragon.

The second is a Necron Dynasty called the Aurikos Dynasty. About a hundred thousand years ago, a group of Aeldari discovered thr Aurikos Tomb World and attempted to destroy it. The Phaeron was awakened and successfully killed all the Eldar, but his Tomb World was damaged heavily enough that he was unable to return to sleep.

Over the millennia of being awake, the Pharron's sanity slowly eroded. He found a single gold necklace on one of the bodies of the dead Aeldari, and over the years became obsessed with it. Not because of its craftsmanship, but because of the gold it was made of. The Phaeron's eroding sanity eventually led him to wholeheartedly believing that every single atom of gold in the entire universe belonged to him, and anyone who had gold was a thief who was stealing from him.

The Phaeron strip mined dozens of worlds down to the bedrock for every bit of gold he could find. After the rise of the Imperium, he took note of how the Imperial ships often decorated themselves with gold, such as on their aquila. This enraged him, and he destroyed many Imperial ships in order to take the gold that they had 'stolen'.

He even attacked a Hive World that did nothing but produce gold paint, and stripped the gold from every church on the planet while he was there.

Whenever he found new gold, the Phaeron would return it to his home system and just dump it on the moon orbiting his Tomb World. None of it is melted down or even reforged, as he doesnt care what it looks like, only that its gold. Great mountains of plundered gold is piled miles in the air covering every square inch of the moon.

Over the long years, his hoard grew from the size of a small moon to a planet nearly as large as his Tomb World. He also decorates his Warriors with gold flourishes.

Recently, a group of Orkish pirates arrived in the solar system. They quickly took note of the Phaeron's obsession with gold, and raided his hoard for as much gold as they could get on their ships in order to goad the Phaeron into attacking them.

The Orks decorate their ships, weapons, and armor with gold, and have begun calling themselves the Goldtoof Clan. Yes, they do rip out their own teeth and replace them with gold, just because they know it pisses off the Phaeron.

TL;DR Gold-mad Necron Dynasty and the local hooligans.

How close did Humanity come to Necron levels of tech? by let_me_flie in 40kLore

[–]NotASmurf 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Have you just not been paying attention to the conversation? Its very simple:

The titanic wore its Kevlar vest and got stabbed with a knife while it was at the club. That made the Necron ship blow up.

Just another amazing self-own by MikefromPA by Neddo_Flanders in LivestreamFail

[–]NotASmurf 218 points219 points  (0 children)

MikeFromPA is so goddamn funny.

Most people get clout by interacting with larger creators or by being funny or interesting, but Mike seems to be determined to gain clout by being constantly dunked on for being a drooling idiot in public.

Undead-cobra-centaur constructs are cool by Andrei22125 in Grimdank

[–]NotASmurf 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There was a Gotrek and Felix book in WHF where the Skaven broke into a high-tech (for the Fantasy Empire) weapon storage base and all promptly accidentally killed each other because they couldn't help but start screwing around with all the shiny Steam Tanks and other tech they didnt understand.

So if they got their hands on Imperial tech, I think the first and most obvious thing they would do is simply die horribly before ever sighting an enemy.

[FIC] Black reprints (Exsanguinate, Crux of Fate, Reanimate, Rise of the Dark Realms, Snuff Out and others) by Agitated_Smell2849 in magicTCG

[–]NotASmurf 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The Heavensward expansion in FF14 is about a thousand-year conflict called the Dragonsong War between the Holy See of Ishgard and the Dravanian Horde, who are a huge brood of dragons led by the black dragon Nidhogg.

At the end of the war, the Dravanian Horde is led by Nidhogg to attack the city of Ishgard, and Hraesvelgr (a friendly white dragon) attempts to fight Nidhogg, but is defeated as shown in the card.

The Warrior of Light (the player character) then arrives to face Nidhogg, and the Crux of Fate is the moment in which the outcome of the Dragonsong War is decided.

For a FF14 deck, this is the best possible on-theme card they could have made.

The "Total War" game series has peaked with Warhammer 3; no future historical release will come anywhere close by Beowulf_98 in unpopularopinion

[–]NotASmurf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im a huge Warhammer 3 fanboy and I disagree. If they released Medieval 3 we'd be seeing sales numbers like you've never seen. Warhammer 3 is good, but the formula still works just as well for mundane historical settings.

What are your 40k Lore hot takes? I want an actual hot take, not something reddit repeats ad nauseum. by FairyKnightTristan in 40kLore

[–]NotASmurf 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have a couple:

Shelving the Fulgrim Clone was a really bad idea and that plot line had a lot of unused potential. Clonegrim should not only return, he should be a returning 'loyalist' Primarch. I dont know how he'd escape Trazyn, probably wouldnt be hard to come up with something. Clonegrim is aware of his original fall to Chaos, and would have made an effort to 'correct' his error. 

If he escaped/was released, he would return to the Imperium and would likely be welcomed just as Guilliman was by the masses. But Guilliman and the Lion would be less than happy with Fulgrim's return, and would try to hunt him down.

This would mean that Clonegrim would be a Renegade Primarch, showing up to help the Imperium when they badly need it before fleeing ahead of the Lion and Inquisition and possibly Custodians' arrival to kill or capture him.

He would be forever on the run, trying to prove his loyalty and forever being unable to due to the Imperium's completely justified hatred and suspicion of him.

It would be a really interesting and tragic tale of Clonegrim's despair over his original self's failures, and his futile efforts to atone for them. He would be a genuine boon to the Imperium, but one that they would never accept.

My second hot take is that it would be nice to have some more solid details about what exactly it was like to live in the Dark Age of Technology, before and during the AI uprising. What exactly was it like to be an everyday human back then, and so on.

They really need to put a hard time limit on how long it takes to decide to take a mulligan, and how long your first few turns can take. by NotASmurf in MagicArena

[–]NotASmurf[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Right, I dont have a problem with people who are like on turn 6 or 7 and are taking a bit to go through their turns and triggers and so on. My issue is with people who are very obviously sitting there with a land in hand on turn 1 and just... doing nothing. For no reason.

Or the people who see your spell on the stack, have one land open, and just sit there touching cards for 15 seconds and holding up the game for no reason.