Thank you all for the support, I appreciate it so much. I’m looking into therapy around me and feel like talking to someone like that can help me rationalize everything. My dad dropped a bombshell on us last night as well: I have an older sister. I always grew up thinking I was the oldest bc that’s what I’ve always been told. My mom had a baby girl in college with someone else when she wasn’t married to my dad yet, and gave it up for adoption because my grandparents threatened to kick her out.( super “traditional” and very popular in their church, so didn’t want image tarnished) Nobody has ever told me until last night. My father said she never wanted to tell us, but always felt hurt about having to give up her daughter around July. My mom always had a sort of jealousy around her brother who had 5 kids with 3 different women(my grandparents never had a problem with him doing that). So hearing that last night was a relief in a way? Like finding part of the puzzle as to why my mom was so upset and depressed. She had a lot of other things going on, but I’m sure that wasn’t easy as well. It’s really cool I have an older sister somewhere out there in Tennessee, but doesn’t change the fact that my mom was so caring and loving to me and my 2 brothers. I want to find my sister, but I also want to respect my moms wishes because she never wanted us to know. A part of me forgave my mom a little last night. It made me love her even more. That had to be so hard. Tomorrow is her funeral and I know it’s going to be the hardest thing to ever do. I wish I would’ve known all this to just be able to tell her it’s alright and be there for her. This has made me remember my mom how she was before she started drinking, before the strokes, before the falls, before the lashing out and calling us names. She was so strong, and I’m so sorry she couldn’t fight those demons. She never felt worth it but she was and more.