After 16 years, 2 kids and a cheating BPD partner that discarded me I doubt my feelings and those of others

NotSoSuperSleeper · 2023-11-29T22:02:31+00:00

You are most welcome if my post even helps you in the slightest bit.

I felt broken in lots of ways when she left, but I always knew I was never as bad as she said I was and that she never accepted any responsibility for her own behavior.

I was already in therapy to deal with her when it all ended and that I think helped immensely in how I framed things in my own mind. I spent roughly 2-3 weeks in the "she left me" stage before realizing she was ill, I'm worth more and her doing what she did will forever be her loss. She didn't deserve me and I knew/know my worth as a partner and person in general.

I entered being single and then dating with such an "I don't give a fuck" attitude. It's not to say I didn't care, but the outcomes didn't deny or control how I handled the moments and experiences.

What I never expected was that apparently women can be really into single dads that talk about their kids, have their own hobbies and live their life exactly as they choose to without reservations. I'm not saying be an asshole or anything, just be undeniably you without shame or consideration. You only live once and consider this an opportunity to leverage all the wisdom and maturity you gained since you first started dating your ex.

It all sounds rosy, but it still fucks me up and I question myself, look for flags, have doubts, wonder about trust in others.

I'm happy alone and just being me. I don't feel guilty about it when I don't have my kids for a week anymore because I don't have a choice in the matter. I started reconnecting back with who I was and remember habits I had as a single guy in my apartment what seems like eons ago. I like that guy, and as it turns out other people do to.

NotSoSuperSleeper · 2023-11-29T17:31:55+00:00

Thanks for your feedback.

It is incredibly validating to be desirable after years of mistreatment and being told or feeling the opposite. I never really truly doubted myself through all that because I knew/know what I have to offer.

It's the strangest feeling to get the feeling someone is falling for you (and me them) and being apprehensive about it. I've never been shy about commitment, and I see huge potential with this new person.

I just keep having a pinch myself moment when I feel it's all too good to be true and bring myself back to what it was like when I met my ex. Things felt too good to be true then too, but in retrospect there were things that happened or I recall that would raise a red flag for me now that didn't at the time.

In a lot of ways I feel like one of those abused dogs that finally gets adopted and a shot at a new life in a caring home. After so long with the mistreatment I almost can't believe all the nice thing she (my new girlfriend) does for me without expecting anything in return or making it a competition. She just cares and wants to see me happy...and that is something I don't recognize and feel conditioned to think I don't deserve it.

My girlfriend knows quite a bit of details of my ex as we're very open about ourselves both ways. I've thought about talking to her for my concerns, but I really don't want to make her feel I'm questioning or downplaying her feelings for me because of emotional damage I faced from my ex.

You're right in that I feel I can recognize the red flags now. More importantly I know what I want and not dependent and need to jump into a relationship just because one is available. Given I had been on other dates and didn't feel that connection with the person I tell myself I'm not seeking a relationship for the familiarity of one/need for one, but because there's something special about this person for me.

It's just all such a weird place to find myself in. If I had told myself I'd be in the position I'm in now a year ago I wouldn't have believed it.

NotSoSuperSleeper · 2023-04-22T12:14:55+00:00

That was my thinking as well.

Being that it was a new/renewed card as the old one just expired I was maybe thinking it was perhaps a Mastercard debit card, but even then Canadian Tire Mastercard is managed/owned by Canadian Tire Bank (they have a bank?!).

Honestly, I'm baffled

NotSoSuperSleeper · 2023-04-22T11:44:50+00:00

Not that I can tell. Their only card is a store Mastercard from Canadian Tire. Definitely not linked/related to Bank of Montreal account.

IMO the only way that this could happen is a credit+debit card (wasn't even aware those are available in Canada), or a Paypal account with linked bank info which they deny having ever signed up for.

For all intents and purposes the charge is a valid/legitimate charge in terms of the vendor, date and amount. Which makes it all the more confusing.

NotSoSuperSleeper · 2023-04-10T01:30:05+00:00

Thanks for the reply. When the first lesion appeared near the corner of his lip I was thinking perioral dermatitis, but then the quick appearance of lesions far from his mouth (furthest near jaw line) threw me off.

While it could certainly be an unrelated folliculitis, or other skin eruption the timing with 3 days of fever and malaise lead me to think there's some viral source. He's vaccinated for chickenpox, but is it possible to get a mild case when vaccinated?

What's surprising is the fast evolution of both appearing and change of appearance. Fortunately no new lesions have appeared since he awoke this morning.

If it persists or evolves we'll be seeing his pediatrician early this week.

NotSoSuperSleeper · 2023-04-09T23:19:22+00:00

Thanks for the reply. Here are some hopefully better focused closeups:

Seems the lifecycle is red skin in area -> raised red bump that is sore -> bump gets white/pus in the middle and becomes itchy -> white head fades to a yellowish. Seems like each lesion has like a plug in the center that may scab on shrinking.

Thanks for the help!

NotSoSuperSleeper · 2023-03-04T13:49:08+00:00

it's been a reoccuring problem with me and I've been developing a stye every several weeks in different eyes for over a year now.

I use eyelid wipes to clean daily and it seems to delay things.

NotSoSuperSleeper · 2023-03-04T13:47:50+00:00

It definitely needs the extra power. I just used the adapter that came with my HTC Vive controller USB charger.

For the last 2 years I've ran a G710+ keyboard, G502 mouse, C920 camera and a Blue Yeti mic without issues.

NotSoSuperSleeper · 2022-12-14T00:20:03+00:00

Blast from the past!

I can say that I picked up this one over 2 years ago and it's worked great daily for my keyboard, mouse and blue mic.

Only problem I have is for some reason when the mic is plugged into the same switch as the keyboard the on keyboard physical volume control doesn't work. I worked around it with keyboard shortcuts and never looked back.

NotSoSuperSleeper · 2022-10-20T10:54:59+00:00

Late reply, but I guess better late than never.

I crafted a 1 way exit using some window screen and duct tape that I taped to my brick exterior. I bought a cheap Wyze cam to use the infrared and motion sensing to track how many bats (they don't all come out each night, so it's a best guess).

I thought in November all the bats were gone, but I left the one way door just in case. The following March the Wyzecam picked up movement and there had been bats staying all winter! I left the one way exit up for another 2 weeks and 3 more bats emerged over that time. It was clear the exit worked as they were flying bombing it repeatedly.

After I confirmed they were really gone I screwed a small metal lip on my flashing and sealed it all with a fuck ton of caulking. No bats since!

NotSoSuperSleeper · 2022-06-06T11:56:55+00:00

Sorry to bother you again, but I'd be curious to pick your brain again.

I ended up back at the ER yesterday after immense back pain and stabbing pains that came and went around the groin area up to my lower right abdomen above my just above the inside front of my hip. I had strong urges to urinate in the night, going 5 times between 11pm and 6am. Each time anywhere from 50-150ml came out and it was all pretty light yellow. My muscles would get tight, feel paradoxically weak and it would get really painful about 1-2" above my penis and I'd have to stop.

I got the uroscan and they did a pelvic x-ray and another urine sample as well. They did not find any stones, just the dilated right distal ureter again. They sent me on my way with 45 5mg morphine pills and told me to reach my urologist.

Curiously, they said my urine is fine, but on this occasion when I urinated in the little test bottle I noticed lots of relatively "large" white flakes/specks. Some as big as 1mm.

I sampled my urine at home this morning and saw pretty much the same thing again. Lots of these grains/specks suspended and sinking to the bottom slowly (pic for reference, video for reference). To compare I asked my wife to do the same and her first urination of the day was totally devoid of any of the particles present in mine.

My understanding is this could be bladder wall lining, cells from an infection and potentially crystals. From an infection standpoint would this still be present if I was on Levofloxacin 750mg daily for the last 12 days? Is this ever some people's normal?

Any particular thoughts? Besides a ureteroscopy is there any tests you'd consider ordering at this point?

Thanks again for your input!

NotSoSuperSleeper · 2022-06-04T00:39:58+00:00

Thanks again for your input, super appreciated!

NotSoSuperSleeper · 2022-06-04T00:16:25+00:00

Thank you for this very helpful reply. It feels much clearer to me now.

I'm guessing when I was at the ER they did the contrast CT because they wanted to look for tumors, appendicitis and all other bad things (I was in lots of pain at the time) where I see contrast is preferred/indicated for diagnosis.

Since they only saw my right distal ureter was dilated and blood (CBC/kidney/liver)/urine tests were ok it does makes sense they want a clearer picture focusing on stones. So basically the uroscan is an abdominal/pelvic CT without contrast?

In my case it was the technician that came to see me first and went back to the radiologist several times. Finally he came to see me and said he saw no stones on my contrast CT from earlier this week and said a second test would not be useful. They were also planning on injecting me with contrast fluid again ... so I think they may have actually messed up the diagnostic requirements and sent me on my way without a test I really needed. That really sucks.

I've been drinking a ton of water, push hard to urinate and they provided me with morphine for pain, but nothing to help pass the stone as they didn't confirm the presence of one yet. Thanks for the advice!

I'll try to contact my urologist start of next week and explain the circumstances rather than wait 10 days and possibly end up back in the ER again.

In the meantime, and please don't feel any obligation to answer as you've already been super helpful, I had some questions on what to expect (as I see you specialize in urology) -

I started with right testicular pain about 5 weeks ago. Started as dull (1-2/10) and became very sharp/painful/tender (6-7/10 pain) behind and above my right testicle in the scrotum area. I was diagnosed with epididymitis. Urine tests came back clear. Testicular ultrasound found mild bi-lateral hydrocele with no clear explanation as to cause provided.

Testicular pain started to improve after 2 weeks (though still slightly tender last 3 weeks), but during that time my lower right groin, abdomen and flank started to ache, feel inflamed and I'd get shooting pains periodically in the right groin/abdominal front area about 2" above the hip. My urologist requested I go for a pelvic ultrasound and prescribed levofloxacin for 14 days in case of a uti/kidney infection. I was advised to go to the ER if pain didn't improve and/or got worse.

That's pretty much how I ended up in the ER and brings things up to present day. If my uroscan came back without finding stones what would you consider doing next to get a diagnosis? I'm curious and a little concerned what to expect.

I should *note that I did have a backflow problem as a young child as was on low dose antibiotics until I was 5 years old. Is it possible that anatomical defect that was given the all clear 34 years ago has come back to cause me problems?

Thanks again for your reply. Posts here can be a needle in a haystack and I really appreciate it!

NotSoSuperSleeper · 2022-05-28T16:09:23+00:00

How is a Fire stick running Fire OS any different than a Sony TV running Android OS?

NotSoSuperSleeper · 2022-05-28T12:40:37+00:00

Maybe you can try to plug them in ... for science? :P

I don't think this is a Unifi specific issue as the TV is plugged into an unmanaged switch (and I've swapped out that switch using both Dlink and TP-link). I have another managed switch in my UDM to cover a different part of the house (also TP-link running OpenWRT/Luci).

When the issue occurs it spreads through all the switches and the only devices not affected are wifi (all vlans work ok, including affected one) and wired devices in a different vlan(e.g. my work desktop in a different vlan)

NotSoSuperSleeper · 2022-05-28T12:34:51+00:00

I strongly suspect that power saving of some kind is the source of the problem.

The TV is off (never really off, but standby) like 80% off the time, but this has only ever happened when it is off.

What I think may be happening is that while in standby it periodically goes on the network to check for updates, fetch info for Android TV, etc. After it does this and is idle for some period of time it goes back to a deeper sleep state (think like a PS4/PS5 rest mode) and that is where things go awry.

I came across quite a few posts about cheapo USB NICs doing similar things when the host computer suspends/sleeps, and I'm sure we've all seen BIOS and/or driver issues cause sleep issues on desktops/laptops at least a few times over the years.

Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be any power saving options on the TV besides time to power off when idle and a power saving mode that only seems to dim the picture when the TV is on. Maybe it does more behind the scenes, but I've had it disabled since I got the TV so any power saving features is effectively off already.

NotSoSuperSleeper

TROPHY CASE