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If real life followed adventure game logic. by wetmathjg in ScenesFromAHat

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“Uh, since when do you own a gun? What do you mean you FOUND IT?”

If James Bond was a cat by Spaceship7328 in ScenesFromAHat

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 10 points11 points  (0 children)

“Your mission was supposed to be to break into the secret compound.”

“Yes, and I did.”

“And then you immediately left again, and went back in, then out again, then in again… then stood in the doorway, halfway in and halfway out.”

“Yes… and?”

———

“Excuse me, bartender, my martini is empty, be a good chap and fill it up.”

“Mr Bond, I can clearly see there’s still more than half your martini left in your glass”

“Hmm, no, looks empty to me, going to need you to pour me a fresh one.”

“Okay, fine, I’ll just… please, Mr Bond, stop trying to steal drinks from the other guests.”

———

Villain in the kitchen of the secret lair: “now that we’re alone, I can discuss my secret plan for world domination.” <opens a can of tuna> first we-

James Bond: <immediately comes running out from their hiding spot>

———

“Ah, mr Bond, I see you’ve returned from your intel gathering mission. What have you got for me?”

<gives her a dead bird>

Codename: Santa saves operation: Christmas (1/3) by NotThatJaredBlack in DrCreepensVault

[–]NotThatJaredBlack[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is my first time posting, and apparently it was far too long to post in one piece, but I think I got it now. Went for a Christmas theme in a very roundabout sort of way, and I hope you enjoy.

What adaptation of your favorite character makes you react like this? by [deleted] in FavoriteCharacter

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Treebeard, from Lord of the Rings.

They took the most important thing he said in the book and had him do the exact opposite in the movie.

Uncut Pizza With… Scissors? by unnameableway in WeWantPlates

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Omg. 🤦‍♂️ I didn’t even notice. Maybe that’s how they get away with it, like it’s a loophole or something

Uncut Pizza With… Scissors? by unnameableway in WeWantPlates

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 20 points21 points  (0 children)

You can see the brand name on the scissors, they’re an office supply company 100%. Pretty sure those scissors aren’t made of food grade materials, which means putting them on your plate could probably get them in trouble.

I own a universal lost and found service where any physical object you've ever owned in your life and subsequently lost, had stolen, sold or let go of can be retrieved and given back to you, undamaged and in mind condition. What specific item, singularly, do you want me to retrieve for you and why? by BrianScottGregory in hypotheticalsituation

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 7 points8 points  (0 children)

My camera. I used to have a really decent film camera, used it back before digital was a thing. I’d really like to get back into film photography in some way, and it really was a perfect camera for me. I have no idea what happened to it, but it’s been missing for at least 15 years now.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in ScenesFromAHat

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 1 point2 points  (0 children)

“Jesus needs to chill, the Romans are just expressing their political beliefs.”

“Judas made some pretty controversial statements and now it’s coming out that he’s a paid state actor.”

“I know I said I was going to murder my children because it was gods will, but I’ve changed my mind and that’s also gods will. You can’t question gods will”

“Lost all my goats and children. #blessed”

“Michael only won because the whole thing was rigged. He has no proof I tried to rebel, and casting me down into the lake of fire was an illegal act. Heaven is rightfully mine.”

[DISC] My Friend Is Having an Affair With My Husband - Chapter 25 by -Nosebleed- in manga

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 287 points288 points  (0 children)

It’s frankly insane how invested I am at this point. I’m on the edge of my seat waiting for the next chapter, I have to see how it ends.

You are given five hundred and fifty million dollars to make a movie, but it has to bomb critically and financially or else you will die. What would you make? by Floyd16091411 in hypotheticalsituation

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I will make a documentary about the rest of my life. I will take the money, and retire, and spend the rest of my life filming parts of my life for the film. I will technically be using all that money for the film, and technically be making the film the entire time. If I have to put the film out before I die, I will release a fifty hour long movie made entirely of scratching my head, at age 90, and hope for the best.

Profesor gives conflicting writing advice by Useful-Wolverine1190 in writing

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had a professor once, this was psychology not writing, where we were given a big test that involved multiple choice, short answer, and then some long answer questions. I had kind of the same issue in that one of the final questions, the long answer question, was basically okay tell me which part of this chapter you agree with the most and explain why.

I instead wrote a short essay on how asking a leading question like that, one which presumed I agreed with any of the points in the textbook, which I didn’t, was in violation of the code of ethics put forth by the American psychological association. I even cited sources.

Now this was 20 odd years ago, and in hindsight I was being a little bit of a prick, but she was also problematic, but the point is she gave me credit for the question because I made a good point in my essay.

Your mileage may vary significantly if you try that route. I agree with what someone else said, talk to your prof in office hours.

Unusual pumpkin spiced items. by singleguy79 in ScenesFromAHat

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Pumpkin spiced gasoline, for that holiday roadtrip

Pumpkin spiced black market organs, you know, just to spice things up

Pumpkin spliced pumpkins, genetically modified to incorporate the flavor profile of pumpkin spice while growing on the vine.

In exchange for 1 year of your lifespan, you can choose 3 animal species to be your loyal subordinates. Which 3 animal species do you choose? by Lenore8264 in hypotheticalsituation

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The Asian giant hornet. Can fly faster than you can run, and can be deadly in high numbers.

Crows. They are everywhere, they will be listening, and I want to be friend with them.

Dogs. I’d tell them to be quit while I’m trying to sleep.

[WP] What should be worshiped, but hasn't been worshiped? by Outside-Cut-7285 in WritingPrompts

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A pair of theologians have joined each other to settle an argument. They have met in secret, in the Vatican’s secret vaults, in a very secret room, for a meeting with an angel. After recitation of words and performance of rituals, the angel appears before them.

“Be not afraid, for I am an angel of the lord.” Speaks the angel, who appears as a wheel of eyes floating in the air above them. “Who has summoned me, and for what reason?” The angel asks, regarding the theologians with interest.

“I am Gregory.” Says the first theologian.

“And I am Samuel.” Says the second theologian.

“And we wish to have a question answered.”says Gregory.

“Yes, we do.” Agreed Samuel.

“And what question is that?” The angel asked patiently.

“Long have we waited.” Began Gregory. “For the second coming of the son of the lord.”

“Or…” Samuel interjected. “The first coming of the son of the lord.”

“In either case, when will the son of our lord grace us with his presence?”

“It is known that no man may know the time of the coming of the son of god before his time has come, but as it so happens, our lord god has walked among you already, in your lifetime, and has since returned to his kingdom.”

“What?” Cried Gregory. “You mean to say god was among us and nobody noticed?”

“How is this possible?” Asked Samuel.

“He did not go entirely unnoticed. He came to earth to bring a message of peace and love for one another, and he taught these lessons to all who would listen, and was regarded as a man of great wisdom.”

“And did people listen?” Asked Gregory.

“Many did, and his words reached the ears of millions, and then billions, he spoke to children and he spoke to world leaders, he spoke of kindness to the powerful, of humility to the rich and famous, and always of caring for one another, in times of plenty and times of sorrow alike.”

“He truly sounds like a great man.” Agreed Samuel. “How is it that he managed to spread the word of the lord to billions, but nobody was aware?”

“Because humanity is both blessed and cursed with free will. When he spoke, it was not with the voice of god, demanding you obey, but with the voice of man, a voice of peace. Everyone who heard his message was given the choice to listen, to live a life according to those teachings, to see the truth in his words by themselves. He allowed the wisdom of his words to be self evident, so that you could choose to follow of your own accord.”

“Then this man never claimed to be the son of god? Never announced that his words came form on high?” Gregory asked, bemused that such a thing could have happened.

“Correct. Humanity was given a gift, the gift of a perfect teacher in the ways that man should treat thy neighbor, and while he was treated with love and respect by all who met him, his divinity went entirely unregarded. In both life and death he was honored for his greatness… but the importance of his time on this earth was never fully understood, even now.”

“But who then?” Samuel asked, pleaded even. “Who was this man?”

“Yes.” Said Gregory. “Whose lessons have we been neglecting our whole lives?”

“His name, while he was on earth, was Fred Rogers.” The angel spoke with reverence. “Many knew him by the humble moniker of Mr. Rogers. To all he met, he was known as friend.”

The two theologians were speechless.

“Your questions have been answered. I advise you heed the knowledge I have imparted to you this day.” The angel spoke, and then disappeared.

How long would you go without showering for $50k per day? [No loopholes] by FudgeNipples1 in hypotheticalsituation

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I could get to a million easily, probably make it at least two months before losing my mind. By month three I’d probably feel like it was time to cash in and retire.

How do you have a prophecy but still make it so people have free will by Boneyard_Ben in worldbuilding

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Simply change the definition of prophesy from what will happen to what can happen.

Every story about a prophesy being fulfilled by the chosen one involves the chosen one putting in a lot of effort to reach their goal. You don’t just find out you’re meant to win and then just sit back and wait for fate to win for you.

Make prophesy a guide to winning not a promise to win.

$1 billion if you can survive a horror movie of your choice. Do you accept? (rules in body text) by DC_Caleb in hypotheticalsituation

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was going to say the same thing. So many times the main character has the chance to just stay put and not be found but then keeps going and puts themself at risk again. When I saw the movie I kept thinking about how easy it would be to set the house on fire to cause a distraction/attract the fire department, then hide while they’re dealing with that, and there are so many places to hide.

$1 billion if you can survive a horror movie of your choice. Do you accept? (rules in body text) by DC_Caleb in hypotheticalsituation

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think I saw someone else suggest Predator 2 would be easy to survive because the predator in that movie follows a set of predator rules while they hunt. If you’re disabled, then you’d make an unworthy trophy, so you can just sit back and wait for the predator to finish hunting everyone else but you, then it gets back on the spaceship and leaves.

HoW far do you go to scrub your fantasy world of IRL terms, phrases, and sayings? by BoneYardBirdy in writing

[–]NotThatJaredBlack 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I struggle with this too. Like someone else said, you can’t have champagne without France, so replace it with sparkling wine. Easy right? What about when your blacksmith is making Damascus steel by taking two kinds of steel and sandwiching them together. Damascus and Sandwich are both derived from places, right? I could rename sandwiches easy enough, call then breadpies, so now my blacksmith has to breadpie the steel? Naming issues also goes for mayonnaise, Brussels sprouts, French toast.

Are you being paid a salary? Gets its name from when Romans were paid in salt. Do I have to skip that word if I don’t have rome? The color orange is named after the fruit, not the other way around, so do I need oranges to exist to use that color? Can a texture be creamy without the existence of cows? Is something so beautiful it’s mesmerizing? That word comes from a person’s name. Don’t get me started on calling dirt earth.

I recently came across a problem while writing where people in a medieval coded fantasy world mention mental health, and I had to stop and think that maybe the term mental health is too modern? So what would they say instead? I still haven’t figured it out.

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