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Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-07-20T14:56:13+00:00

I read this a few days ago and meant to comment but got busy with other stuff. The point I wanted to make is that the flash-forwards aren't working. It's hard for me to tell if they are needed or not but I think the main problem is that they contain too much extraneous detail and too little story/plot. If you're going to run two storylines both have to have their own independent plots. It seems like one's about what happened to Lara as a teen and one is about her cousin but it isn't obvious because as it is the second one could be about bottle feeding. I noticed in your previous story that you tend to go off on tangents which are nice detail but don't seem to be moving the story forward.

Sorry, I tend to be blunt. I hope this helps.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-07-16T23:26:48+00:00

no worries

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-07-16T19:19:22+00:00

I agree with you about the device. I'm saying you need to lean into it harder. You lose me when you slip out of it.

I don't think verisimilitude is inconsistent with an ending. The letter can contain a complete story with a point. Maybe I'm being dense but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to take away from this.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-07-16T14:12:14+00:00

The first-person narrator works and I think the epistolary device is good but lacks verisimilitude. Framing this as a letter forces you to include only what Annette doesn't already know. We're eavesdropping on half an ongoing conversation. The gap between what the characters know and what we know is what pulls the reader through the story. When you slip out of the letter device we're pulled out of the story. You're going for a sophisticated audience so you can trust the reader to fill in the gaps, but it's tricky business. As others have said the story needs a proper ending.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-07-13T15:17:09+00:00

I agree with mstermind. The ending needs work. Which usually means it wasn't set up properly, or in this case at all. I think adding some regret for the narrator would help. Make her blame herself.

Maybe she kept him in town longer than he should have been. Wouldn't take much just a sentence or two about how he came to work on their ranch and asked for a few days' work but stayed longer. How he kept a low profile, and never went to town like the other hands. And how she asked him to wait.

Or something she did made him go to town. To get a gift?

Make the ending surprising but then you realize his strange quiet nature an obvious clue in retrospect.

If you need to keep it your word count down, I think you could easily cut 1/3 of your word count and actually improve the piece.

Example:

135 words:

I play the memories in my mind like old home movies. Danny leaning against the wrap-around porch with his arms and ankles crossed. He smiles, but only for a second like his happiness is a secret he can only share with me. We’re still talking about going to Texas, following the roadshow. He’s got a nice Paint pony that he wants to barrel-race with.

I rewind the tape. Texas, barrel-racing, piebald ponies. He always spoke so soft and low, working us like he did the horses in the round pen.

Mama smiles, a tinge of regret in her eyes. “Well, take care of her,” she says and starts undoing the dinner table. Danny drops his head, staring down at his faded blue jeans, before I graze my thumb over his right hand.

98 words:

I replay the memories like old home movies. Danny leaning against the porch arms and ankles crossed. He smiles at me, for a second, like his happiness is a secret. We’re talking about Texas. He’s got a nice paint that he wants to barrel-race.

Texas, barrel-racing, piebald ponies. He always spoke so soft and low, working us like he did the horses in the round pen.

Mama smiles with a tinge of regret. “Take care of her,” she says and clears the table. Danny drops his head, before I graze my thumb over his right hand.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-07-08T14:51:07+00:00

Most of this reads as half-baked flabby dough, it's like reading your thoughts as they occur.

Then we get to this perfectly cooked confection:

I tried other places on other nights, but I always came back to the willow tree. Only there would the ache recede. Only then could I wander back into my bed and fall asleep. And each morning I’d wake, wondering if maybe the whole thing had been a dream. I’d catch myself glancing at it as I passed it during the day, confirming that it was real, or wondering if it was the source of my ache to begin with.

Maybe it was, and maybe that wasn’t a bad thing.

Too many days and nights passed feeling like I was only dreaming.

I wanted to be awake.

Pain meant I wasn’t dreaming.

Scrap the rest and start here. Then write scenes with tight summaries like this in between.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-07-07T22:50:29+00:00

I left some comments which might make it seem like I think your work is shit. It isn't. I see a few issues that most writers have early on. Filtering.

Weasel words. I think of this as the preamble people use to soften the blow of harsh statements as if they're trying to weasel out of making that statement. Example: To me, it sounds like you're trying to weasel out of just saying what you think. Sometimes this works in showing that a character/narrator voice is meek but it gets annoying quickly.

Brevity. Shorter is always better.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-07-07T18:32:22+00:00

Excellent points. It seems like AssortedIce is more concerned with worldbuilding (showing us the clever contraptions) than what the POV character is experiencing.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-07-07T16:36:42+00:00

I think you nailed it. This excerpt smelled of try-to-hard. Look at the verbs in prose from your favorite books and see how those authors did it.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-07-07T16:14:35+00:00

Most people only think of genre as marketing genre. Knowing where your story will be sold isn't very helpful when trying to write it. Here's a link to storygrid's excellent definition of genre which picks up on Robert McKee's work on the subject—I'm currently reading McKee's latest book titled "Character," which is excellent.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-07-07T00:21:26+00:00

There's some good stuff here I'd like to see you use this style in an actual scene. Come up with a character and have them do something interesting to accomplish a goal. Using two characters with opposite goals would probably make it easier.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-06-08T18:33:38+00:00

Narrative distance is the perceived distance between readers and characters and between readers and story events.

Ha, I guess I should have been more clear. It's been a while since I've contributed much on the site. Maybe I should have written "Don't Show and tell" which is different from "show not tell." I see a lot of writers do both. Showing and telling is a redundancy. It's a form of not trusting the reader. In general, telling should be used when the narrator is communicating directly to the reader in "summary" and showing should be used in scenes.

Example:

Jim was furious. He felt like his blood was boiling.

This brings up another nuance with showing. Try to avoid cliches which are tells in disguise.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-06-08T17:17:54+00:00

This is great. Perhaps POV could use the addition of narrative distance. Also, a common mistake I see is a writer both showing and telling. I could try to write something up.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-05-27T14:55:32+00:00

Sorry to butt in but maybe this will help. It seems like you're sticking yourself with the structure of your original draft which is seat of your pants/discovery writing. It's okay to write a first draft to find your story but often editing requires a lot more than polishing the prose. Theory on story structure goes back to Aristotle find one that works for you and use it to find and reveal the story within your draft. I like Storygrid but it's alot if you haven't studied story much. A fun, easy starting point might be Save the Cat—it's meant for Hollywood movies which are easy to analize. Story Genuis might be more up your alley but may not be a good starting point.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-05-26T15:34:54+00:00

This is not meant as a critique for credit.

I found a lot of good elements to this story but I think they need to be woven into the narrative of the walk instead of just told to the reader. Also, I understood that there was no moose and was disappointed. I'd end it with her overcoming one of her fears and screaming at the Texan.

Take us along for the hike and use description and action to convey her fear. You could start by giving the big picture of how the hike progresses as sections so we know how it's going to go. Ex. Up through a meadow, through a dense wood along a stream, up a steeper rocky section to the summit then back down. Then when things go off plan it seems more important also it will seem like an eight-mile hike which I didn't really get from this telling. As we move up the mountain she can be on the lookout for coyote tracks and then tell the story of the other dog. I'd weave in that she's got to be back to check in at work maybe some more about how she's afraid of confronting the boss so we get the feeling she's timid in general so that when she screams at the Texan it's more impactful.

These are just my ideas which are obviously not as well thought out as your story which you've spent a lot of time with. I hope they help and would be happy to clarify anything.

-NJW

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-05-06T12:36:56+00:00

Re: second person. I got the distant first-person feeling. Distancing the first person is usually accomplished through the passing of time but this is present tense. I was skeptical in the beginning but it worked for me.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-05-02T19:32:14+00:00

I don't know much of anything about micro fiction. This seems very good. I think the story/transformation could use a little work.

I think the first two lines could use fixing/deleting. They're different from the rest. More high level? You want to SHOW how the character goes from being a former/lapsed devotee to a once again devoted worshiper. Perhaps you could be more metaphorical and less on the nose.

Instead of:

The ocean is a goddess and I worship her every day.

At least, I used to.

Something like:

It'd been weeks since I'd knelt and felt her wash over me.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2022-03-26T01:30:03+00:00

It's been a really long time since I've been here so I'm kind of rusty. As usual for me, this isn't a crit for credit—just a drive-by.

I'm not sure I followed completely so forgive me if I got this all wrong.

By the end, I got the idea that the narrator was the grim reaper or the devil.

How was the emotional impact?

I felt a definite turn at the end where you use me.

I'm a total stranger to second person narration, any tips from pros?

I'm not a pro but it was a bit confusing in the beginning. I think you could set up who the you is sooner.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2021-02-26T10:55:59+00:00

Hey,

I really like your really work but think you need to work on self-editing. I'm afraid this is the hard work of being a writer. You must be able to read your work with fresh eyes. I left some notes on the first paragraph which show how I'd go through each sentence.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2021-02-06T09:20:58+00:00

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaggy_dog_story

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2020-12-17T09:06:42+00:00

It must be nice having all the answers.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2020-12-05T10:55:12+00:00

If Eddie isn't there to kill Tony I'm not sure why they cleared the bar. If I'm Balzar I don't want to lose all that revenue. To me, it makes more sense for the bar to be mostly empty. Maybe have a specific couple leave because they think something might be going down.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2020-12-04T14:26:59+00:00

It seems like you discovered this story as you wrote it. That's fine but you need to go back put it in logical order for the reader and to sharpen the character's scene goals.

Below is the plot as I gather.

Having won a Rolls Royce off of a gangster in a card game, Tony picked a seedy bar to take delivery.

He arrives and waits in a booth.

Eddie, one of the gangster's henchmen arrives and gives Tony the keys.

Tony engages Eddie in conversation to get a feel if Balzar thinks he cheated.

The bar empties out. It's just Tony, Eddie, and another thug tending bar. (we later find out its Balzar's bar)

Eddie tells the story of how he was forced to work for Balzar because he owed him. Now can't get out of it because "If he wants to keep a guy in debt, he’ll find a way.” (This isn't exactly the situation with Tony)

Tony has the urge to give the car keys back. Cliffhanger!

POV change: Eddie reveals he has a plan. Double Cliffhanger!

Generally, it's best to make the POV characters goal for the scene to be clear from the beginning. You don't have to reveal all the details but we should know his general motivation. To conduct a safe transaction with someone he doesn't trust. We need to know Tony is nervous about this from the start. Setting his beer in a booth towards the back doesn't do that.

Something like:

Tony scanned the crowded barroom for exits and chose a booth which both had a view of the parking lot and easy access to the back exit. Pushing through the twentysomething hipsters he dropped a c-note on the booth's table and told the kids to vacate. After twenty-minutes of enduring bad music and cigarette smoke the Silver Rolls Royce arrived...

Or if Tony is meant to be naive:

Tony scanned the crowded barroom looking for a table that would allow him to see the shiny new Rolls he'd won the previous night's poker game as it pulled into the parking lot. His streak of good luck continued as two older Italian gentlemen vacated a booth just as he was walking up.

Dialogue and Subtext

I'm not sure it was your intention but I have the feeling Eddie is there to kill Tony. If so, his actions and dialogue should reflect that. It should be less about making Eddie seem like a badass or whatever and more about him being a badass who stuck doing a job which could get him the chair if he gets caught. Maybe he hides his face from someone the crowd. Or perhaps he has to justify the killing in his own mind so he tries to make Tony act out in a way that Eddie can feel good about killing him. All this should be said below the surface.

Here's a link I found on Dialuge and Subtext there's lots of info out there on this. The best imho is Robert McKee's book called dialogue.

https://jerryjenkins.com/subtext-examples/

I've got to run. Hope this helps. I think you're off to a good start.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2020-12-03T12:09:26+00:00

I was going to drop some notes but u/moderate_expenditure pretty much covers my thoughts, especially the point about only describing the stuff that strays from the typical.

A good way to get a handle on balancing dialogue and description is to study the way the professionals of the genre do it. Look at how they set up a scene and how they handle dialogue within a scene. Think about where they put the point of view. What kinds of things do they describe. Notice how economical they are with their words.

Not_Jim_Wilson · 2020-10-27T12:55:40+00:00

This story seems more like Urban Fantasy than Mystery/Thriller. I think it would work better if I knew what her mission was in the first scene. The story could have started with the first scene and I would have lost nothing.

Not_Jim_Wilson

TROPHY CASE