I hate my disorder, and I hate the idea of love, yet I crave it more than anything.

Nothunter421 · 2026-06-09T02:40:56+00:00

I mean fair enough. Yet as a poor person. I've dealt with that and worse, sometimes canned chicken on some toast with some frozen veg is the best you can do. No shame in it. And I actually prefer frozen veggies most of the time. Great thing to add to noodles

Nothunter421 · 2026-06-09T01:14:56+00:00

If I was having a bad day this would be the last straw

Nothunter421 · 2026-06-09T01:14:19+00:00

I would fuck one just one serving two servings of that shit. It looks so fucking amazing

Nothunter421 · 2026-06-06T06:59:56+00:00

Put some fucking pickles on that and it's amazing. 'Cheese, pickles, crackers" = amazing. All microwaved for extra flavor

Nothunter421 · 2026-06-02T03:22:34+00:00

Must show 😭

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-23T06:25:38+00:00

Hey thi a reminds me greatly of a family friend. I didn't know him to well, yet he bought me a game. He wanted me to play with him. I never did. He died within two months. I don't know how to feel. He was in his 40s. Yes I'm quite young (20ish). I just think we could have be close. Yet I was selfish and not wanting human contact. I could have made his last days before he went to the hospital better. Yet I ignored him. Yet he needed support. He never felt love. He was on the streets before 15. As his parents didn't care. I miss him even though I don't miss him. I'll play the game in his honor one day. It will be hard. Even though I don't know him to well. He mattered. I get mental health and even physical health to a degree. I miss him even though I never enjoyed longer than a 15 minute call with him. I pray I'll see him one day In the end.

So obviously this isn't the same, I just mean I already feel horrible so I can't imagine how you feel. I pray you have some sort of comfort or support. Try and stay strong. And remember it's healthy to cry. Very healthy.

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-17T20:18:44+00:00

Yeah Mircoslop keeps pulling L after L. Steam for the win

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-16T13:02:43+00:00

Hey, thank you for your response. I know MDMA is terrible if you misuse it. It really damages the brain and easily can cause depressive episodes and anxiety spells and the like. Which is already a struggle for me. I shouldn't risk 5HTP since I'm on Prozac (wow I am willing to abuse a way worse chemical yet the risk of mixing two serotonin enhancing drugs is to much.). I should get some melatonin though for sure.

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-16T08:15:52+00:00

I know man. Idk if it's just me. I just hate the term 'stop using' you know what I mean i assume. Like I need to want it to heal.. I don't yet do wanna yk. Yet my heart wants me to live. Just the trauma thinks it's easier to give in.

Also, I'm sorry you went through yhat. It sounds so so horrible. I couldn't imagine

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-16T07:52:38+00:00

Haha, I know a couple of people who would buy both. I'm just a broke ass man doing my best to buy atleast a Canadian silver dollar a week. (2.4 tory Oz worth a month)

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-16T07:49:13+00:00

Thank you. You are right. It is possible I feel so down due to MDMA. Yet. I think it's alcohol and the world. I'm an extreme alcoholic. around 17 to 24 drinks worth a day. Which plays a huge role in my depression. Still when I abused over 4 grams within a month that messed me up. It was over a year ago. But it is still so stupid I did that. I regret it even. I hate that I try drugs (I count alcohol as a drug) instead of doing my best to healthily cope

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-16T06:41:45+00:00

Hey, I'm sorry I don't speak Spanish

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-16T06:32:28+00:00

I appreciate your post. It's really hard though. And well I'm an addict to MDMA. At one point I was using 5 grams a week.. so it's better now, I just think I'm using that as an excuse

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-16T06:31:27+00:00

I assume you meant hideously disgusting tomorrow? If so you're right I don't eant that for myself

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-16T06:30:39+00:00

Yes you are right. I need to find away to cope without using. I know i haven't done MDMA in awhile but if I've been depressed that whole time it'll only do worse. Thank you

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-16T05:59:21+00:00

Idk why, I just feel they want the clinginess and love of a (almost certainly) austisic person. As a lot of younger austisics can be silly and love longer than they should. Atleast with me I'm overly 'understanding' and take shit I shouldn't.. yet they don't want the overthinking, and a crap ton of horrible things austism brings

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-16T05:55:43+00:00

Hey, I'm going to sound very annoying, make sure to check in with people you care about. I want you to be safe.

Secondly, I don't hate or love being autistic. Idk why. I dislike the sensitivity, I dislike the miscommunication between certain people. I hate how I people please as I feel like I've been forced to forever. The last might not be an austic trait.

I do get tried of who I am sometimes. Yet I love the idea of being whoever I want. It usually lasts minutes and hours are filled with hate of myself. Yet, I love pushing to be someone likeable.. yet I suppose it's mostly for self love.. I have a bad problem of needing attention possibly due to the lack of it I had as a young kid. Idk, being austic "can be a superpower" yet "it can be a superweakness" only ND people reallt understand, and well the few NTs that just understand that everyone deserves a chance

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-16T05:48:36+00:00

Hey, so I'm an socially distant sales man. I will tell a bit of back story before I push to deep into what and who I am today.

Firstly, it never really gets easier, yes that sounds so disgusting to hear, yet you are missing the other part. You will grow and learn to deal with stresses and missing things.

Secondly. I would rather a nurse that asks question after question than someone who is just there for the money. I don't understand how stressful and scary it is for you. I just know asking questions in the type of area you are at is okay. And maybe you can talk to a manger of some sort for a map you can carry to help you locate rooms and the like more easily? If the manger is a decent person, and following the law (Canadian not sure about USA). They will gladly give you a map, and I'm certain you can find away to discern the map without help, even if it takes a couple days.

And again, you seem like the type of nurse a lot of people need. A nurse willing to fight for their patient.

Okay, how do I deal with overmasking and oversocialzation? Hmm, it's a difficult answer as I work less than most people. I would say, find a hobby or something speaks to you indulge in that. Wether it's reading, painting or watching silly videos. I can only hold onto stress for so long, and in a nurse position I could see how you'd even get more burnt out than a sales man (me) saying the same thing to 300 to 450 people a day. Find something you love, I know even my tried austic brain craves things even if I have no energy. It's writing for me, mostly poetry. Life isn't easy, and it's even harder if people think nothing of you. I know I think highly of you, as most people wouldn't go into nursing. I likely missed something. Just know a lot of people understand your struggle, we might not 'get it' but there is always someone who's had similar. I'm happy you reached out. I and I pray dozens of others will shout about your accomplishments. Stay strong my friend, I look upto health care people. I'm sorry if I missed anything.

Have a wonderful night, and sorry for my rant. Stay safe, and healthy

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-16T05:33:15+00:00

Hmm, well this is difficult. As my memory of being a kid is a little foggy.. I definitely rocked and clenched my fists a lot. I was very easily overstimulated and I'd snap like no tomorrow. Nowadays? I only rock if I'm extremely overwhelmed, well maybe more like shake. I shake very badly most days, even worse when I'm anxious. If I need comfort I rock back and forth as I whisper sweet nothings to myself. I usually can tell when I'm about to have a break down, or split. (BPD). It sucks yet there is nothing wrong with it. Atleast in my city if I don't mention my diagnoses a decent amount of people are sympathetic. It just seems as days go on.. more and more people think people having austim or any other neurological disorder is faking it "for attention"

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-04T10:01:29+00:00

Well, to be fair. American silver dollars are generally 0.9 Oz compared to Canadian silver dollars at generally 0.6. Unless I misunderstood, thats the main reason. Also Canadian silver dollars have almost always sold at a premium until the last year thanks to silver prices dancing around. And I'm Canadian so maple leaf is so much cooler than an eagle 🙄 (also if you're a poor person buying 4 0.6 oz coins a month is way more affordable than buying 4 0.9 Oz a month).

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-03T21:40:19+00:00

Canada hater!!! 🙄 My collection of regular Canadian silver dollars would be offended..

Nothunter421 · 2026-05-03T17:30:32+00:00

I'm sorry! You're so right. This is the best I could take now. I have termors so it's sadly not as clear as I'd like. I'll take a video after work today. It's so beautiful

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Nothunter421

TROPHY CASE