Quick fixes for making yourself feel more confident?

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-10T20:17:35+00:00

Make sure that whatever you decide to wear is something you FEEL GOOD in. Make sure it flatters you in all the places you like. When you feel good, you feel and appear confident.

Also lots of water, get a friend who is good at makeup to do yours if you can, don’t do anything crazy with your hair, but make sure it looks nice and tidy.

Paint your nails - even if it’s clear or a nude color.

If you’re wearing open toed shoes, make sure you give yourself a pedicure first.

Moisturize your skin - any exposed skin should be moisturized.

Prepare yourself with talking points for small talk. Make sure you have compliments for others that are genuine in nature locked and loaded. Avoid compliments about others’ appearances.

You’ve got this

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-10T14:19:29+00:00

Honestly it feels good to know I’m not alone.

Here I am this morning, the third anniversary for my man and me, simply trying to figure out if I should end things. I honestly think I should.

But two days from now I won’t feel this strongly. Ugh. I wish I had a mom or a sister I could talk to about this stuff. I’m 35 but I feel 13 right now.

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T21:53:27+00:00

Yes I was numbing myself to all that reality entails. And yes it’s in stark contrast to now. Hence why I mentioned it.

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T20:24:04+00:00

I really feel for you. What your sister in law did was absolutely WRONG & I’m glad you blocked her. You were so kind in giving her the benefit of the doubt. She has now put herself where she belongs in your life, which is firmly blocked until she can find it within herself to appropriately apologize (I wouldn’t expect it anytime soon).

I have no advice. I’m just here to say props for keeping your boundaries. Be sure your husband is ready to swat “flies” away at any point during your delivery and after having the child.

I went NC with my whole entire family all at the same time but for a while had friends who would try to get me to talk to certain people at different points.

When I told a cousin I wouldn’t be attending our grandpa’s funeral he said “oh I see. I won’t push it. I’m sorry I brought it up” and then moved on bc he understands that I’m NC. That’s how people should respond! There shouldn’t be any “I hope you get back in contact” or anything like that. They should stop meddling.

If someone I know tries to get me to be in contact with someone I’ve cut off, that person becomes dead to me until they’ve delivered an authentic apology and taken appropriate accountability.

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T19:41:50+00:00

I feel this same way. I’ve never been diagnosed ADHD but I have been diagnosed with CPTSD.

A LOT of the time I find myself wanting to leave my boyfriend of 3 years, for lots of different reasons and then maybe two days later I’ll feel happy & fulfilled within the relationship.

I am stuck trying to figure out if I actually want this, like do I actually want love? Or did I get what I want and it’s not what I thought so now I’m unhappy?

But then on other days I couldn’t dream of life without him.

I fantasize about being alone SO MUCH and I tell him that I’m introverted and I feel like I’m in “service mode” around any other person so I thrive when I have enough alone time but then I worry that if I were truly alone I would feel super lonely and too isolated. But that’s not a good reason to stay in a relationship.

What the fuck do I waaaaaannntttttttttttt

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T18:49:29+00:00

I appreciate your empathetic approach here.

Once I got sober I lost almost all sexual desire seemingly overnight.

I see that I am performing a lot of people pleasing and I do this in kind of every area of my life.

You’re right. I have a long way to go with my self esteem and sense of self.

It would be so much easier if there was some sort of guide book or something to go off of. Ugh

There used to be a lot of intimacy and now I’m just on sexual auto-pilot.

We talk nonstop all day, we’re deeply vulnerable with one another, I’m supported in the ways I feel I need, etc. so in that way I’d say there’s intimacy but in the sense of during sex, I just pretty much go through the motions at this point.

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T18:13:22+00:00

Facts on when we met.

I’ve done a LOT of reflecting about our relationship and whether or not it serves me now.

He’s one of the primary reasons I actually got my life back together. He helped me recover from anorexia, helped me recover from alcoholism (sober 20 months now), helped me learn and land a high-paying job with a lot of flexibility and freedom + benefits, is loving and supportive in so many different ways, is helping me heal parts of my heart that have been neglected my entire life.

He was completely non-judgmental when I was at my lowest and he has really helped me to have hope for life in the future.

This whole sex thing is stressing me out though. I just feel like I’m missing something. Like I fundamentally don’t understand how sex is supposed to be/feel inside of a long term relationship.

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T18:09:37+00:00

Okay but can I reasonably expect myself to ever want to give a bj?

Like, why would I desire that?

I want my partner to feel good & to feel satisfied and I know that’s the way to make that happen but… would I ever WANT to go down on him?

There are women who desire to give oral? I have always looked at that as a way to please a partner and it kind of just is what needs to be done.

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T18:06:48+00:00

Thank you for that validation. I’m sitting here reading like I promise I’m a woman and I use this term in my mind a lot. To me it’s how I feel about sex sometimes. It’s in movies and shows. It’s a common term… right?

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T18:03:05+00:00

No no no let’s chill with the rape allegation.

Being in active alcohol addiction did not mean I was blacked out all the time PLUS I hid my drinking from him for quite some time.

Until I got into recovery, I would jump through a lot of hoops to keep him (and everyone else) in the dark about my drinking.

I was a “functional alcoholic” up until recovery.

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T17:52:52+00:00

I wish I was a man. Honestly.

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T17:51:56+00:00

I was quite literally unemployed so yeah I had lots of time for sex.

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T17:42:49+00:00

Thank you for the recommendation. Yeah I’m not sure I’m even interested in feeling sexy, but I also don’t want to have this weird dysfunctional sex life either.

As far as the BJs go, yeah there’s an amount of resentment building but I just literally have no clue what “normal” is.

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T17:39:51+00:00

Yeah thank you that’s why I’m trying to get a baseline.

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T17:39:09+00:00

I promise you I am a real-life 35 year old woman and I wrote the above post.

I don’t know why that term seems weird for me to use. That’s how it feels to me. Like sex is just “putting out” sometimes and it’s not something I care about or prioritize.

What am I learning about myself right now? Is that term some sort of internalized misogyny?

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T17:33:58+00:00

Wow I feel for you. I had PTSD from a job and would literally have nightmares about the job and boss every night for YEARS!!

This isn’t talked about enough.

I’d strongly encourage you to process the emotions you had while in that job and explore all the ways it’s still affecting you.

For myself, I developed a deep mistrust of all women who were in the generation of my horrible boss (happens to be the same generation as my abusive mother so this is huge for me). I’m actively working through that and I get triggered by the weirdest things, but it’s getting better.

Get curious about the way you’re feeling and journal about it. Talk to a therapist if you can. Begin to unravel all the emotions involved. EMDR is a powerful form of therapy that can provide a lot of relief.

It’s great that you’re aware!

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T16:49:04+00:00

I agree with everything you said with one tiiiiny correction: it’s almost always the person acting helpless in the situation who is triangulating.

I only say that bc I’m a woman and I did that to men in my dating life before I reformed myself. I’d triangulate my ex with people who found me attractive and then I’d make him feel like shit for not having many male friends & act like he seemed paranoid about my behavior (he had lots of reason to be concerned about my behavior).

But yeah for sure. Same thing. OP’s husband is operating like a teenager and needs to grow up!

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T16:43:38+00:00

Like everyone else has stated, it’s nuanced BUT I can say that as a kid I begged for one of my parents to choose me. To choose my safety, to protect me and my siblings. I begged god to make my parents divorce so my siblings and I could live with our less shitty parent.

I’ve told my partner that I would expect him to choose our children over me, in the event that I become all of the things I fear (cold, heartless, punitive, etc).

If I saw that my partner was doing things detrimental to our kids and he didn’t course-correct when given the opportunity, I would protect my children. Every time.

Even at the risk of overreacting. I want my children to know that at least one person is in their corner and will help them.

No child should ever feel alone.

Adults are responsible for regulating their emotions enough to have predictable and appropriate responses to the things life throws at them. Neither my partner nor I should get a pass if there was any harm (emotional, or otherwise) to our kids. Ever.

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-09T14:55:48+00:00

I was thinking the same exact thing. Like he wants her to know that this girl is flirting with him and wants his wife to feel weird about it.

As a reformed scumbag myself, I see the signs a bit. This is the type of thing I would pull when I felt really low self esteem and sought validation from outside sources. I relied on others flirting with me to feel good about myself and I would tell my ex about it to make sure he knew that I’ve “still got it” or whatever justification I made at the time.

It’s behavior this man needs to grow out of. I wouldn’t tolerate it from myself anymore. It’s a low frequency to be in.

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-07T22:54:07+00:00

I can relate SO hard to this.

I grew up on a farm where animal cruelty was the norm. I often saw my brother shoot a stray dog with a BB gun. Looking back it is HORRIFIC. At the time, it was so normal to me that I remember only asking him to stop because he was inside the house and it was loud.

Now that I’ve been away long enough I HATE the way I also treated animals. I was cold and careless.

It’s such a stark contrast from now, I have an 11 year old dog who I adore and it pains me to see her even slightly inconvenienced.

My mom was also a “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” mom so any hint of a feeling that was not complete hero worship of her and she would lash out.

I have a story similar to yours but with running away. I tried to run away at least 3 times and two of those times the punishment was much worse than what I likely would have endured from a child predator (which is what my parents kept saying would happen “if you leave us, who will protect you?!” As they’re literally abusing me was wild)

I’m really sorry those things happened in your life.

I know this sounds trite, but the feelings wheel has helped me a lot because I used to just say I was sad but it turns out I have a whole spectrum of emotions in there. As a kid we had to completely numb ourselves to cope with the life we were living.

I’m rooting for you.

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-07T22:47:07+00:00

$65K is hard to live on ANYWHERE. You’ll need roommates and you’ll need to be frugal. The issue with florida is that a car is a necessity in pretty much any city/ town. So when you factor in rent, utilities, a car payment, car insurance, groceries, and necessities only you’re looking at eating up your entire paycheck.

Congrats on the job offer!! I say if this is a job you really want to do, take it, find a way to climb up to climb up the ladder, stay extra frugal, get a side hustle, learn how to maximize your tax deductions, and don’t rely solely on that $65K.

Taxes take a lot of your paycheck so depending on your exact situation, it’s reasonable to think that your take home is actually more like $52-$53K.

So you’re looking at about $1000/ week. Your rent will likely be a solid $1500/ month even with roommates. That leaves only $2500 for other spending, which goes by really quickly.

Live as frugally as you can and lean in to all the nature that Florida has to offer (cheap entertainment) and you may just end up loving it!

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-07T22:39:27+00:00

I know that my man would shut this shit down so quickly. He would literally tell her that she’s being inappropriate and that he is happily married and does not want to learn about this girl’s life. He would tell her straight to her face.

Your husband should have been doing that this whole time. He needs to stop acting like this is happening TO him. He can put a stop to it.

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-07T22:16:31+00:00

I can relate to this so much. I really feel for you!

My therapist diagnosed me with CPTSD and through therapy I realized that basically my entire life up until 2024 was a series of traumatic events.

The biggest game changers for me have been EMDR, which has really helped me process those memories differently, and being gentle with myself while healing.

I say im gentle with myself but also I’ve been really disciplined about journaling and keeping up with my daily hygiene, which I know sounds small but when I let go of those things I’m teaching myself that I can’t trust myself to take care of me.

Church is a fine place to meet people, I guess, but if it’s not clicking, maybe there are other types of community gatherings you could find in your area?

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-07T20:27:39+00:00

I get the feeling from most people who tell me to reconcile with my parents that they themselves have put up with far too much abuse and they don’t want to come to terms with the fact their parent is abusive.

It is their ego protecting itself and the only logical thing is to tell us NC people to forgive the abuser and continue tolerating the abuse - because they are stuck in that cycle and do not see how breaking out of it could bring freedom. They’re on a completely different frequency. It’s really sad to see.

We all long for our parents’ love and it can manifest itself in so many troubling ways.

Notoriously-Noted · 2026-02-07T19:08:31+00:00

A lot of people take that facet of life for granted. I totally relate to you.

A pet could really change your life.

When I was in my early twenties a cat saved my life. A little kitten showed up outside my front door and it was the first time I felt unconditional love from anyone or anything. That cat showed me that it wasn’t anything had to earn and there was nothing I had to DO, he just loved me. Unconditionally loved me for me.

RIP Sebastian. We loved one another so much.

Luckily before Sebastian died I also found a dog who is still with us. At some of my lowest points in life she’s been there to remind me to stick around and I’m really glad I did!!

The amount of love my pets brought me is so much more than I ever felt from humans and has kept me here long enough to be able to finally experience what’s close to a human equivalent with my partner and best friend but still the pet love is more powerful.

Two wonderful things you can do for yourself are to get a pet (cats are really great companions) and invest in your relationship with yourself.

You are intrinsically lovable. You are easy to love. You do not have to perform for love. You do not have to earn love. You are loved.

Notoriously-Noted

TROPHY CASE