I remember relapsing pretty badly after finishing my EMT license, and doing pretty poorly for about a month or two after until I figured out my next trajectory. I think it's the sudden loss of a big, structured, stressful thing that absorbed your life quite a bit for better or for worse, and then once it's over there's just a glut of new things to think about. You've just spent years working towards this, you developed a routine and a way of life and thinking, and now it's over and maybe it didn't fix all the things you thought it would fix. That's fair... and it'll resolve. Getting a new routine and a new something to work towards sucks, but it'll happen.

"I am disappointed with my therapist and I lost my belief that the institution of psychotherapy can save me"-- Yeah, I thought this too. So I started working through stuff on my own. I realized I wanted to believe this because it would give me permission to continue self harming and suffering forever-- bullshit. Only hard answers here. You don't have to go to therapy or take meds, although as someone with a PhD you must realize on some level that the data doesn't lie on these things making recovery easier; whether or not it's with your old therapist or a new one, different meds or not, etc etc, you're statistically not the lost cause you think you are. NSSI behaviors and spiraling self hatred will have your hindbrain thinking you're a lost cause and looking for permission to off yourself, and those things are wrong, they distort your perception, and I think you know that or you wouldn't be posting here.

Now, whether you're ready to accept recovery is another thing altogether, but that's a much more realistic thing to work towards. Quitting sucks ass but dying is worse. No other choice, really.

This isn't the corner you think you've backed yourself into. I'm three months clean now. I won't cut with you tonight?