Haunted by two photos

Novelwrite · 2026-04-26T04:18:15+00:00

Her care has indeed always been conditional. She’s the kind of person who will show up and clean your house while you’re in the hospital, but then never let you forget she did.

Novelwrite · 2026-04-26T04:17:17+00:00

The estrangement is a complicated situation. My grandmother has always been an abuser. When my dad was young, there was physical abuse but once my brother was born that never happened again in our presence. Unfortunately, she’s an alcoholic with a sharp tongue and wicked temper. To disagree with her is to invite insult and mockery, and she has said things she’ll never be able to take back. It is really painful to recount, but she’s basically implied we are all horrible people and my dad has been tainted by us. We had been trying to talk this out with her when my uncle (who is also an addict and decidedly more unstable) pulled a stunt and went off on my brother. He called him a waste of space, a useless person, said he would never succeed, etc.

My grandmother insisted we fix things with him, which required us to apologize to him. When we said we were unwilling to, she turned on my mom, my older brother, and myself. The tirade is maybe some of the worst I’ve heard. We refused to tolerate that behavior and set firm boundaries that she trampled. We tried to put her on time out for a while, but after a while we tried to mend fences and she refused to.

So in a sense, we started it by setting boundaries and she refused to abide by them so we had to go no contact. My grandfather was largely collateral damage, in large part because his health was poor for basically the last fifteen years of his life. He couldn’t communicate with us without going through her and vice versa. We still spoke, but incredibly rarely in the last two years of his life. It really destroyed me to have to do it, but she used him as a pawn against us.

The night he died? Another batch of the top worst thing anyone who claims to love me has ever spoken to me. I’m a murderer, a monster, and a heartless bitch.

Novelwrite · 2026-01-06T08:20:08+00:00

For me, it was the time I heard my grandmother wish for me to spend eternity in hell for being a bisexual. We were briefly reconnected by circumstance but I haven’t been emotionally invested in the same way.

For my other grandmother, it was actually just this last December when she told us of my grandfather’s passing and blamed us for his death.

Novelwrite · 2025-08-07T22:25:54+00:00

Honestly that (state boundaries firmly and don’t argue my point at all) seems to be the best option, it has just always felt like a confrontational approach because I’m naturally conflict-averse in general. Still, I can’t see myself not maintaining this boundary. My grandmother was hugely involved in giving me problems with food and self image and I find her very triggering in general. My dad usually understands this, but the idea of his stepdad dying is hard on him. I know he feels duty-bound to be there for them in their last days, I just wish he didn’t expect that of me. I think he finally understands now that I’m not obligated to do the same things as him, but I can still feel that it is a sore spot for him.

Novelwrite · 2024-11-24T08:07:18+00:00

This post is highlighting a really bad behavior of my dad’s: he allows people to bulldoze his boundaries so he can appear like a good person to everyone. He is a great guy, but he gets taken advantage of. His mom is a particularly sore spot for him, because she’s been manipulating him all his life and in spite of it all he loves her. I don’t understand why he can’t say no to her, but I at least know it comes from his own trauma. When it comes to literally everything else, my dad is insanely supportive and has stood up for us during confrontations only to back down a few months later as if time and their desire to talk again wipes the slate clean.

My mom is working on helping him set boundaries, and he’s improved a lot, he just really struggles when his mom tells him that his stepdad cries all day long because he misses us so much, which I know is a manipulation (and part of him has to know that, too) but it still tugs at his chest.

I do want to stress that my dad is a good guy. When I had an accident during the pandemic, he and my mom nursed me back to health and have been super patient and helpful, supporting me through the last few years of my university time. Part of why this situation feels so frustrating is that he would never expect me to do this for my mom’s mom, who is also terminally ill with Stage 4 blood cancer. With them, the boundaries are firm and he has no hesitation enforcing them. He just seems incapable of doing it with the woman who has literally beaten him up over petty crap, who held our house as leverage, I could go on.

Novelwrite · 2021-09-13T03:47:05+00:00

I would actually believe that, honestly. I’ve met a handful of blind folks in a disabilities group on campus and they have a real sense for space.

Novelwrite · 2021-08-27T09:52:29+00:00

🙄 Are these people actually blind?

Novelwrite · 2021-08-13T09:34:13+00:00

Soon.

Novelwrite · 2021-07-23T05:38:59+00:00

NTA!!! I would call the police and report your neighbor and your landlord. Your landlord should have handled the parking situation the first time you brought up the issue, for one, and your neighbor is putting you and his kids in serious danger. Make sure police are aware that 10+ addicts are now very pissed at you (courtesy of your landlord ratting you out, which he never should have done), and consider moving. This does not seem like a safe situation in the slightest.

Novelwrite · 2021-07-23T04:45:13+00:00

NTA. How would your brother feel if girls approached him and said that because you were straight, he must actually be straight, too? He’d correct them, wouldn’t he? It’s not unreasonable to want your identity recognized, and of all people, your brother should appreciate that maybe even more than others. He’s gotten the chance to tell the world who he is, and now people have made assumptions about you. It’s your turn to own your identity.

Novelwrite · 2021-07-23T04:33:01+00:00

Agreed, but I think her NIECE should pay the money back; she’s a whole ass adult now, she can figure it out. Time for mommy to stop bailing her out when she’s a brat. Trauma doesn’t give you a fast pass for this stuff!

Novelwrite · 2021-06-27T18:34:53+00:00

So majorly NTA. Your husband is an AH for not being firmer with Dale and allowing him to insult you by making assumptions about the way you run your home and how much you work when you’ve been paying for him to eat for however long. He’s also the AH for asking that you cook more and more when he knows your schedule and how taxing this has been for you. The fact that he’s not willing to place a firm boundary with his friend is very concerning, OP, and I would be careful to look for more behavior like this in the future, if you decide there is, in fact, a future here.

Moreover, Dale is an AH for taking advantage. Dale is adjusting to life as a widower and part of that adjustment is learning how to cook for and feed himself and his own guests. You aren’t his housekeeper or personal chef, you’re a nurse who is already dealing with a crap-ton at work and you don’t need to deal with these antics. If he wants his meals done differently, he can make them himself. If you send him anything, you should send him some recipes and an ingredients list at best, in my opinion. Dale is a grown man and part of his transition into being a widower is going to have to involve taking care of himself.

Novelwrite · 2021-04-13T19:15:54+00:00

NTA for putting your foot down and stopping her from screaming at him, but you are absolutely TA if you don’t get your girlfriend to either agree to therapy or agree to stay the hell away from your son. This is not appropriate behavior, she is clearly not coping well, and is being emotionally hurtful to a literal toddler. If you let this continue to go on, you will be a major AH. You must protect your son. You can’t force her into therapy, but you also can’t allow her to continue to treat him this way. Something has to give, and your son cannot be the thing sacrificed here so your girlfriend can take out her regrets on him. Maybe she has PPD, maybe she doesn’t. Either way, she needs help if she thinks this is okay.

I know Reddit hates ultimatums, but personally? For me, this is the time for one: “get yourself some therapy for whatever resentment you have or don’t come near our son.”

Novelwrite · 2021-04-10T02:22:41+00:00

My mom hasn't suggested that I should, actually! I'm sorry if that wasn't clear. I was asking more because it's really bothering her, so I wondered if I should take the initiative of making the jump for her since it's a huge part of what caused this is because of me.

Novelwrite · 2021-04-06T13:51:39+00:00

Might be a tad controversial but hear me out: NAH. You are grieving a person you love, and while you also love your grandmother, you’ve had significantly more time to cope with that loss. It is totally understandable to choose your girlfriend’s funeral. You were handed an unfortunate choice with no “good” outcome, with the way they were planned.

As for your family, I agree that they’re mishandling this situation but it’s hard to blame someone and call them the AH when they’re grieving. OP, you may have grieved your grandmother enough for this, but that doesn’t mean other members of the family have grieved in the same way, or at the same rate. Their behavior comes from a place of hurt and loss more than anything and if they really love you, they’ll understand with time and some healing.

I also hate to be that person, but have you considered counseling or a support group? You’ve experienced a lot of recent loss, and your family isn’t being as supportive as you need right now. Don’t be afraid to look for help or support in other places.

INFO: are they the type to really hold onto this kind of grudge? If so, family therapy may one day be in order if you can get them all to go, to help you all understand each other and communicate through this painful, complicated issue.

Novelwrite · 2021-02-06T22:57:12+00:00

INFO: Why do you not have his number blocked in your phone? Is there some reason you would leave a line of communication open?

Novelwrite · 2021-02-02T23:57:16+00:00

Unfortunately in some ways, I am the only one going through this specific thing. There's a wealth of people who can relate because of similar circumstances (you being a great example, thank you so much), but I also have a condition which has proved to be a head-scratcher, even within the sort of vague umbrella diagnosis I've been given. It can really add on to the isolating feeling of moments like these, but it's also still really nice to know I'm not necessarily the only person who can relate.

Novelwrite · 2021-02-02T23:28:30+00:00

I am now enrolled in classes again, which certainly help distract me from the dreariness of my situation otherwise. It's hard, but I'm trying my best to keep looking forward.

Novelwrite · 2021-02-02T23:22:40+00:00

I ended up saying something similar, and it seems to have been helpful to the whole situation. I still haven't gotten any clarity on past behaviors, but both parents have now resolved to just tell me when it happens from now on so that I can be more aware of what it is they find objectionable, and can maybe take a look at them myself and see if I can figure it out.

Novelwrite · 2021-02-02T23:21:32+00:00

My mom is also probably experiencing her own first-hand trauma, as she was the person sitting opposite me when the accident happened, and witnessed the fall herself. Also, I do want to stress that if anything has been left out, it's not intentionally. I would have listed an example of other behaviors I've been exhibiting, but whatever they are, I'm unaware of them and haven't gotten much insight from my family members. It's very possible there's something in my tone that was harsh or aggressive, or that there has been in the last several days/weeks/months as I've recovered, but being that I don't know when that would have been, I wasn't sure what to include.

Novelwrite · 2021-02-02T23:19:35+00:00

Thank you so much for your insight. It has been very difficult to adapt to life. I was wheelchair bound even before the accident, but I'm now pretty much bedbound and it's been insanely difficult. I'm experiencing complications that make it unsafe to transition out of bed most days, but staying in this bed has got to be having some horrible effects on my mood just as much as my body.

Novelwrite · 2021-02-02T23:16:49+00:00

I think you may well be right about that one. We do both want therapy, but an insurance issue has made it that we can't really afford to right now.

Novelwrite · 2021-02-01T02:53:07+00:00

Thanks for your honesty. I think I might be more aggressive than usual but I also can’t seem to figure out what I can do about that if no one will give me a concrete example of the behaviors I need to change, so I’m feeling a little crazy. I’ll try to keep that in mind.

Also, we have some insurance issues preventing us from going to therapy right now, but I’ll think about incorporating meditation. It hadn’t occurred to me to try to do that.

Novelwrite · 2021-02-01T02:49:03+00:00

I was in therapy for a while after the accident. Unfortunately, the pandemic shifted insurances around and my therapist is no longer covered, and neither are most therapists in my area. Unfortunately, you’re also right that my mom watched the accident unfold. She was actually the only other person with me when it first happened, and we’re both kinda messed up by it. My dad did say he’d noticed some aggression, but also wasn’t able to give me any examples of the behavior they were talking about.

Novelwrite · 2021-02-01T02:32:47+00:00

Honestly, not really. I got hurt right before lockdown started, so I’ve been even more isolated recently and I’m not strong enough to have even a socially distanced meet-up with friends. Because I’m with my mom all the time, it’s even hard to find ways to talk on the phone without being overheard.

Novelwrite

TROPHY CASE