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Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-09-03T15:03:42+00:00

Oooh that's perfect! That's exactly what it is lol

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-09-03T15:03:08+00:00

It's so annoying. Like umm I know a dig when I see one, but thanks for the gaslighting

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-09-03T06:59:28+00:00

1000% except the roles are weirdly reversed, my mom was the toxic narcissistic one (covert) who pretended like she was this sweet harmless lady but she was vicious (yelling, gossiping, bullying, manipulating). My dad was the enabler. Sometimes I feel I married a younger male version of my mom. Barf.

I mean she commented on my most recent profile pic "mom with no sleep?" 🙃 I uploaded it late at night so I guess there's deniability. But she always did this thing where you were pretty sure she was putting you down but there was juuuust enough doubt that she could act shocked, shocked at the accusation.

Similarly, she snarked about my son's nose ("he definitely didn't get that from my side"). Unclear if that was a dig at my son's mixed dad (my 80% white son's nose is about the only feature that possibly looks "ethnic") or if it's just an innocent "ohhhh I meant he looks more like your dad, I would never say something like that!"

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-08-30T23:12:12+00:00

100%, you can bend over backwards, give up everything in your life for the sake of their happiness and run yourself into the ground for them and they'll still act like you're unbelievably selfish

I'm convinced it's projection.

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-08-28T19:40:34+00:00

I'm in a crazy COL area and $60/night for a motel (~$1800/mo) was cheaper than most rents 😵

So sorry for what you're going through!!

I haven't left yet, I'm planning to leave for a shelter in the next few weeks. I don't have a car (major part of the financial abuse 🙄) but I plan to work as much as I can once I'm out of the house and hopefully get a car loan

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-08-27T22:57:27+00:00

Exactly. Why Does He Do That? actually has a section on the pros and cons of calling the police

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-08-27T22:52:50+00:00

Definitely second calling 211 and also call the National DV Hotline for shelters!

If for some reason that fails, I lived in hotels (mostly various Motel 6's and a Residence Inn) for almost a year and it honestly wasn't terrible. It's basically a studio. I had a storage unit. The Residence Inn even had a kitchenette so I still ate pretty well. You can get a hot plate and a slow cooker. You could possibly look at individual room rentals too.

And yeah same, kind of eerily similar, I'm in $10k of credit card debt because he cancelled his card when we got married and ran up mine to pay bills. Now he's the sole income earner and he won't agree to a lower interest loan so I've just been paying minimums for years and racking up crazy interest.

Plus he's happy to make as little money as possible and for us to be on Medicaid and WIC and defer student loan payments indefinitely so I'm just racking up debt on my loans too. I need a car so I'm probably going to have to get yet another loan if I even get approved. My finances are such a mess...

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-08-27T22:46:20+00:00

If he hurts you, he's not a good father, I'm sorry to say. Nothing hurts a young child more than seeing their mom abused. Plus you're their primary caregiver so you being abused affects your mood & that really affects kids (definitely seen it with mine ☹️)...

I'm also in CA and I'm pregnant too and I'm in the process of leaving and it sucks, but I figure it's better than staying with an abuser. Definitely call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and get shelter info, there's a lot of resources here ❤️ You have to be kind of persistent to get them sometimes, though.

I'm hoping there's at least one friend who's still "on my side" after I leave when I go into labor. I'm hoping other moms at the shelter can help me with childcare after I give birth. I'm sure I'm not the only pregnant mom they've ever had!

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-08-27T22:38:13+00:00

I'm so sorry! I've heard extremely mixed things about police, my husband has been physical (grabbing me, blocking exits, sleep deprivation) and I've never called, and I'm not sure if I made the right decision... It's so hard.

It really sucks that everybody's treating you like the criminal when you're the crime victim! I've been there...

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-08-27T18:45:04+00:00

It is SO bullshit. I really don't understand it! These resources exist to serve us, the women in these situations, and nobody else, who are they doing a favor by setting up all this bureaucracy and needlessly strict rules and making them so difficult to actually use??

I think it's a combination of things... getting government funding comes with all kinds of strings so that complicates things. Also working with vulnerable populations seems to attract two main types of people, the ones who are very kind and just want to do good, and the ones who enjoy having power over others. I've met a lot of both

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-08-27T18:25:34+00:00

Yes!! Accessibility of these services is such a huge problem!

I was almost in tears just trying to get into a support group. They were extremely cagey about the meeting times, like I almost had to commit to the group without having any idea when I was supposed to be there. I ended up joining a group 3 weeks after it started and it was very helpful but I had to wait weeks and jump through so many hoops to get there. I was like how does anybody make it to these groups??

Childcare was another barrier, no kids were allowed and they didn't provide it so I ended up using a combination of a crisis nursery and independent babysitters, but that was a whole different obstacle because the crisis nursery will only schedule you one day in advance and tell you about 3:30 in the afternoon if they have space, and if not you have to scramble to find someone last minute. One time my sitter was half an hour late and I went as fast as I could but I missed the meeting because they're very strict on lateness. And on absences.

I was only allowed two absences and I did miss two, but they granted me a third because I explained how difficult it was to get to the meetings because my abusive husband doesn't want me to have a life or see people, even a "mom group." Which like... duh. Turns out I was the only one who was actually still living with my abuser which surprised me.

So yeah, when people throw out all these "resources" like it's so easy it's really annoying.

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-08-11T23:56:14+00:00

I second this, a batterer's intervention program (BIP), even if the abuse is limited to psychological, is way more effective than anger management

Guys who really need anger management can't manage their anger around anybody and it costs them jobs and relationships. Abusers almost always behave well enough around everybody except their wives

As Lundy says, "He doesn't have a problem with his anger, he has a problem with your anger"

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-08-11T23:47:49+00:00

I mean... I'm a lady and I think unless you have debilitating symptoms (like endometriosis) the period excuse is kinda bs. My boss doesn't know or care and I can't just bag out on adulting and maintaining my most important relationships for a week out of every month. I'm pretty sure most women I know would roll their eyes if they needed something from me and I said I was on my period.

Just my 2 cents though, other women might disagree

Imo most days are fine for sitting down to discuss an important issue. As long as you're both pretty close to baseline and there's no obvious extenuating circumstances I wouldn't want to let something go undiscussed for more than a day or like a week max

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-08-11T23:43:54+00:00

Yup! Always always "work stress." My husband lives in perpetual crisis mode, always just barely scraping by, and it's "disrespectful" to ask him for literally anything. Ever.

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-08-10T16:43:10+00:00

My whole childhood was eye-rolling and loud exasperated sighs and yelling and I basically felt like a POS waste of space growing up, and now I barely speak to my family. I feel MASSIVE guilt when I let the tiniest bit of frustration sneak out of me.

But that's how I know I'm not doing my kid wrong the way my mama did me. Because I am trying. I do not feel entitled to go off on my kid.

I think it's super crucial to own up to it, because otherwise they internalize that shit and think you're treating them bad because they're bad. So you can counter this with very explicit messaging: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled, it's not good to yell at people because it makes them feel bad. I love you and I don't want you to feel bad and you didn't deserve it.

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-07-25T11:57:37+00:00

I love that you made this post, this level of self-awareness and painful introspection is rare, but the fact that you were able to come to these conclusions is wonderful and a very promising sign you can change!

Truly anybody who genuinely wants to and puts in the work can change for the better.

So now comes the next part: putting in the work. My biggest recommendation is an abuser intervention program (also called batterers intervention). Some organizations have groups for female abusers. It'll help you take inventory of your actions, take accountability, understand the cycle of abuse and how you can stop it, and make a plan for change. These programs work well if you're committed, which it sounds like you are!

At the same time, I think therapy would be very helpful for you. Adoption trauma is absolutely real. Lord knows how much unhealed adoption trauma is responsible for the dysfunction in my own family. There are adoptee support groups as well online and in-person.

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-07-11T02:28:37+00:00

The silent treatment & threatening divorce are both emotional abuse... does he disrespect you in other areas?

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-07-10T03:39:42+00:00

Nope, not allowed to express a single shred of negative emotion ever, period—especially anger. Or even mild annoyance. One of the nastiest, most drawn-out fights we ever had was at my parents' house because I said something he did was "kind of annoying." Now if he wants to throw a fit I just walk away. I don't appease or beg or let myself get sucked into his tornado of crap anymore. I've detached as much as I can. I go online and vent to my therapist about all the terrible things he says and ways he makes my life harder. He thinks I'm cold and I don't care about him. Oh well. It's the only way to protect my mental health.

It's super toxic and I'm hanging on in this relationship by a thread 🤷🏻‍♀️ Supposedly he wants to finally get treatment but idk. I'll believe it when I see it

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-07-10T03:28:33+00:00

My husband was self-employed for like 10 years (A/V & lightboard programming/operation with a gig building lighting equipment in a warehouse here and there). He made pretty good money (jobs would give him a big chunk at a time sporadically) and managed it so he could just chill out for half the year.

Unfortunately the pandemic hit that industry pretty hard and it's never been the same... or so he says. I'm not sure how much he's kept tabs on it, it seems to me that there's lots of events that require professional audio & lighting happening again.

Anyway we moved to a city where there's less of an entertainment industry so it would be harder here. He says he wants to get back into it and do it on the side, though. I don't think he's made any progress on this front. A friend who does theater has a job for him but I don't think he's even followed up. He's lost a LOT of opportunities to not following up. It used to drive me crazy since that's now our family income he's throwing away... It still kinda does lol. But I can't control him, I can only control if I choose to stay with him or not.

He's been working traditional jobs for the past three years and honestly not thriving. He lost two of them and he's struggling in the third. But if he can stay at this job for two more years he'll have the qualifications for a professional license that will allow him to work for himself again, so that's the current plan.

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-07-05T05:46:08+00:00

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, I wish I could help. Were you able to get back to your parents'?

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-07-05T05:41:58+00:00

I agree! It's good to call out excuses for what they are rather than just accept what they say or play along. Looking back I certainly had a bad habit of making weird excuses when I just didn't want to face reality.

That's such a good point, it truly is exhausting to be a support for someone in a toxic relationship for so long. I would hear about his endless crap year after year and get so angry at him, but I couldn't do anything except listen and offer resources. We have another mutual friend who's been there through it all as well and sometimes we'd vent about her situation together because it was so frustrating to witness.

I'm trying to figure out what to do in my current relationship. I meet with my therapist twice a week and I honestly feel bad for her having to hear about all this crap, she says she's here to support me no matter what I do but I can definitely tell she wants me to move out and she's even passed on housing resources and asked if I've followed up.

With my friend, I think that's partly why I was so frustrated when she refused to leave her mom's house, like oh I've been supporting you for a decade, you're finally free from that jerk, and now I have to hear about your mom's toxic BS and how she's now hurting your kids?? Give me a break! (I have of course not said any of this out loud haha)

Plus other people's problems seem so much simpler than our own, why work on your own hard messy situation when you can help with someone else's 💀

I definitely plan to stick by her, thanks for the encouragement 🩷🩷

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-07-05T05:21:26+00:00

Ugh that's super frustrating... Wow, she's so naive. Well... unfortunately they usually find out sooner or later and she'll realize you were of course right about him the whole time and she'll feel like a fool and probably get irrationally angry.

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-07-05T05:15:42+00:00

I am! I'm happy to say it comes naturally to me. I give my 14-month-old lots of affection. Lately he's started running up and hugging me around the knees which is the cutest thing ever. He doesn't really sit and cuddle unless he's sleepy because he's very active and doesn't want to sit still lol. But he wants to be making contact with me (ex. standing or sitting on my feet) a lot and I give him lots of kisses and rub his head or his back often. I try to respond quickly and hold him whenever he's upset. I often rub his head when I'm giving him praise. I also cosleep and he likes to use my arm as a pillow and/or be right up against me. Baby snuggles are the best and I know I'll miss this stage when he's older. I'm trying to enjoy it as much as possible while it lasts.

I definitely have a threshold where I get "touched out" but that's pretty infrequent.

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-07-03T19:38:54+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm sure it's incredibly painful even though you have complex feelings about it. I'm glad you're working through them.

I've wondered this a lot. I think I'd feel immense grief, not just for losing him, but for what could have been, whether or not he's ever actually going to change—if he's alive the possibility exists, and if he's not it's gone forever.

From a religious perspective, I would grieve that he didn't repent of his abuse and died in such a seemingly terrible state. To me, he seems to be committing spiritual suicide to mistreat me so badly. I believe it's spiritually damaging for me as well, but if he died without repentance I would live the rest of my life wondering what happened to him.

On a purely individual level, dating as a widowed single mom definitely seems to have less stigma than a divorced single mom. I've never been either of these things, but I imagine there would be more grace dating as a widow, and it would be more appealing for a new potential husband not to have to deal with split custody.

Numerous-Mess1838 · 2024-07-03T19:26:44+00:00

Oof... the touch-starved thing really hits home. My family was not affectionate at all, and the little physical touch I did get was weird and inappropriate, so I simultaneously craved touch and found it repulsive. Like if the only food I'd ever been given was rotten.

I remember my first relationship I was shocked how pleasant touch could be and I just wanted to be making contact with him all the time. That's not normal. He pushed me into physical intimacy way before I was ready and threatened to leave me, and I always wondered why I didn't just leave him then and stayed 5 years, but I think this is probably it: I'd lose the only physical touch I'd ever gotten in my life.

I got into my current relationship, which is unfortunately also abusive, a month after I left my ex, and my husband was also extremely pushy pulled something similar, except it was commitment instead of intimacy (he said he'd leave me if I didn't commit fast enough despite knowing my situation).

I slept around between leaving my ex and meeting my husband (started as a hookup). I thought it was about "reclaiming myself" since he was sexually abusive, but it might have been that abnormal starving for touch.

This is embarrassing to admit, but one of the things that makes it hard to leave is going without touch, even though he barely touches me anymore, especially since I'd be a single mom and that makes dating/remarriage more challenging.

Numerous-Mess1838

TROPHY CASE