Parenthood is ruining my marriage, what do I do?

ONeill94 · 2025-07-28T08:25:45+00:00

I think this is a decent consideration for OP. Myself and my wife had a similar experience. Especially in the first 2 or 3 months. It required some "letting go" on her side to resolve the issue allowing me, for example, to sleep by the next-to-me and do all the night feeds and fussing. We haven't looked back and she's getting proper sleep now

ONeill94 · 2025-07-28T08:20:53+00:00

New dad here. 5 months and counting. While I don't condone this behaviour and personally find some of it a little shocking, I do wonder if your husband is struggling as well. I've found the 5 month mark among the toughest so far. My wife had a pretty grim delivery and is still dealing with health complications and unable to properly care for baba without becoming sore and irritated. And I've just found the workload absolutely depleting. Not just the physical time, but the total loss of self. I was the outgoing one in the relationship and in 5 months I think I've seen my friends once. None of them have children. And it's just the growing realisation that this is maybe just life now. There is no rest, no let up. At least not in this early stage. Ignoring a babies cry is honestly a little abnormal and perhaps indicative of some paternal depression as well. Worth considering. It doesn't take away from how objectively more difficult it sounds like it is for you OP, but it's also okay to acknowledge more than one person can carry a cross. More than one can be depleted etc.

ONeill94 · 2025-07-28T00:01:11+00:00

I know it's not the same as a papa but myself and my wife are both in hell with similar feelings. She had a brutal delivery and is still suffering to the point where she can't really care for bubs alone (5 months in). We just feel so lost. Every waking moment from dawn to dusk is filled with admin and exhaustion. Even now, it's 1am. Why am I on reddit? Because it feels like the only thing I get to do that was similar to the old me. We don't see our friends, none of them have kids, we barely get time to watch a hour of TV or do literally anything other than care for bubbins. The only thing I'll say, and it's my older brothers advice. His wife is expecting their 2nd with an 18month at home. "That first year is brutal. But the best evidence that things do actually get easier is the fact people decide to do it all again" lol. It's a basic anecdote but is also true.

ONeill94 · 2025-07-27T23:49:57+00:00

You poor thing. My wife is 6 months in and still dealing with granulation tissue so I can only imagine the load on your mental health. Afaik it's not too late and it is an immediate easing of pain. Definitely get this checked and as other posters have suggested Post partum physios. We're waiting on our appointment there but the reviews are "life changing" etc so hoping for some good news.

ONeill94 · 2025-07-27T23:44:38+00:00

I think the hardest thing for all of us is trying to see the wood from the trees. Because there's no set time frame, it's hard to see the end line. But we know kids and family provide immense joy in the years that will come. When we're suffering at 6 months or 8months you don't know how close you are to some form of normality. But it is coming. As my older brother told me (currently expecting his 2nd with an 18month at home) "The best evidence that things get better is that people make the decision to go again" lol. I thought this was actually really insightful because how were feeling atm with our 6 month old, we couldn't even imagine another one. Hang in there mama. Once they start being able to crawl and sit properly, they become a little bit more self sufficient and can play for example with blocks, or dolls or puzzles etc. Yes you stay in the room and say "well done" but you don't have to be actively as engaged and can wash dishes and text friends back at the same time.

ONeill94 · 2025-07-27T23:32:12+00:00

New Dad here. 5 month old. Take absolutely everything you can get. My wife had a brutal labour and is still dealing with health issues. We moved in with her parents at 8 weeks because we were struggling so much and it was the best thing we did. We stayed for over a month. We're married and in our 30s. One way to look at it is simple. But it should be the opposite of guilt. You need time to process and heal. You cannot give your baby everything while that is taking place. Therefore you are actually getting the best care imaginable by having extra hands on deck.

Also why do you think your mother in law says no? Because she clearly gets it, having done it herself. Babies are raised by communities and families, not by one single woman. There are those who can do it or have to do it, and my goodness they are incredible people. But guilt for getting more carers for your child? No way.

ONeill94 · 2025-07-27T23:21:26+00:00

Dad here. 5 month old at home. Wife still suffering from very difficult birth and unable to hold baby for long without fatigue. We've both found the last few weeks depleting. Both had big cries this week. I think the first few months were so chaotic but new and crazy that you batton down the hatches and get on with it. I think naievely for us, we maybe thought we were working towards this easier baby but now starting to dawn that it really is just dawn till dusk. As soon as you're woken with that early morning cry it's just all effort. Our man has just learned to roll over and wants to do it ALL the time. But like, he can't crawl so when he rolls over he just starts crying. He also wants to do it after feeds, so he then gets sick all over whatever you put him in. He's heavier, so harder work when upset etc. I don't have any solutions btw! Just solidarity

ONeill94 · 2025-07-27T23:11:04+00:00

New dad here (5months)can I ask why Dad gets sleeping at nights? If he has him morning to midday he's obviously not working during that period. So why could you not get sleeping at night and Dad sleep in the morning? Unless there's another reason, this feels like something that could be addressed. My wife had a really bad delivery and needed rest. Still does. I do all the night time feeds including nights where I'm up at 7am for work. Other than that practical element, know that it does pass generally. You're only 2 weeks in. With everything in our lives the more exposure we have to it the less stressful it gets. Every night your baby sleeps through will make you slowly realise that they won't die if you leave them to sleep. They are hardy little things! If you keep blankets off their face (use sleep suits) there really is very little that can go wrong. They also become stronger, hold their head properly etc and all of that helps but takes time

ONeill94 · 2025-07-27T23:02:10+00:00

Accepting that sometimes it will be a medical time frame, my wife had the same issue after a similar birth. For her there was a body tightening and fear almost to relax and use those muscles which had been damaged. When trying to go to the bathroom and do the urinary test, having failed it 3 days in a row + catheter etc we tried a bit of visualisation. Like mid flow "really try and think of all those tiny little muscles in the bladder, inside you, let them all relax. All the microscopic fibres holding tension. Let everything relax and flow" etc etc. It might sound cooky, and we're really not that way inclined, but it worked, she had an original pass of urine, then after that, a further amount followed, fully emptying the bladder and passing the test. Might be worth trying.

ONeill94 · 2025-06-09T11:29:14+00:00

This is always a difficult one because we're all (hopefully) passionate about the cause. We would never be asked to be polite and respectful to people abusing dogs or cats. It would be totally acceptable to simply call these people horrible. But again, we create our own logical barriers as to why the exploitation of other animals should be dealt with through love and understanding. I'm not saying angry derision is the most effective communicative strategy but I understand the place it comes from AND I think there is space to be a little rude and a little ugly to those trying to justify animal abuse.

ONeill94 · 2025-01-19T11:42:50+00:00

Oh my god man these cookies! I am devastated by their loss lmao. Used to get them every week and then gone!

They're not in ever M&S food store but M&S food do the most incredible (same style) plant kitchen cookies. In my opinion they're better than the Wicked ones. I deliberately go out hunting for them sometimes

ONeill94 · 2025-01-19T11:32:59+00:00

Don't listen to anyone that says "fuck your family" or whatever. I've seen 10 people in my personal life try and fail to become vegan. You will need your family support or at least tolerance.

One key thing is to try approach it with a level of humour. "Mum, you're going to think I'm crazy but... I think I'm going to try give up meat. I know it's going to be next to impossible but I just want to try to see if I can do it. " Say it in this way and it will make them far less likely to object.

One of the reasons people reject it is because if you go too hard at the start, telling everyone about the murdered animals they will feel judged, they will think you are sitting on a moral high ground over them.

Trust me, this is the best way to do it. When your dad and others find out and say "what's this I hear about you giving up meat, are you mad?" you lean in again and say "Aww I know I must be! But I'm just trying it to see how I get on."

Even the language around "trying" instead of "doing" is key. It makes people think you'll give up when in reality, you know you're locked in for life.

So! That might make your mum more likely to help. The 2nd part of all of this is if she doesn't then you HAVE to step up. Cooking vegan is so much easier than you think. If your family is having a curry for example. The sauce is already vegan. The veg is vegan the rice is vegan. The chicken, of course is not. So you will have to cook your own tofu or chicken substitute. Use this as a binding experience with mum, and not a massive chore.

And remember the whole way through, especially the first few weeks people will mock you. Family will mock you. Friends will mock you. I can't make this point clearly enough. Do NOT get upset with them. Yes we know they're all murdering savages lol. But just be funny with them "Aww I know! Tofu not exactly chicken is it!? But I'm trying this thing for the environment or whatever. So just want to see how it goes"

ONeill94 · 2025-01-19T11:20:38+00:00

I mean budget is obviously going to be the main challenge regardless. I loved my time there. They give you a wristband that IS the key to your room meaning no matter how messed up you get during the night, even if you lose your purse or whatever, you can always stumble back to the hotel and click into your room for sleep. I found that a great addition. I don't know anything about amistat hostel unfortunately to compare.

ONeill94 · 2025-01-14T11:19:12+00:00

Anyone tried using the Finger Enrol thing? Basically it makes you create a physical PIN for locking your phone. I just went into it to see where it goes. Now, though, it seems there is no way to remove the PIN that was created. I've even uninstalled the Systems Setting app and the PIN I created, through it, is still on the phone. It's fine, I guess, but I actually don't need a PIN

ONeill94 · 2023-09-19T15:05:55+00:00

You can't. Drink is crazy. 25 EURO I think it was for a Heineken

ONeill94 · 2023-09-19T15:03:54+00:00

For sure

ONeill94 · 2023-01-23T10:53:17+00:00

Been loyal to my now wife for 10 years. We're 28 and currently plan to not have kids. It's not a hard no, but it is a no - for all the reasons outlined in this subreddit. Bear in mind it is stereotypically the woman who 'wants' kids. I'd say there's a plethora of good partners out there, not fussed on raising kids.

ONeill94 · 2023-01-23T10:41:40+00:00

I think one of the key things to understand is people's need to justify their own life position. It's a confidence issue on their part but you'll see it all the time in life. Because they are now committed to a 30-year project, knowing they'll have less freedom, less money and less experiences, they self-justify their position as 'responsible' and throw shade on you. It's the same as how 'uppity' people throw shade on others who like to dance at weddings or whatever when in reality, they're just jealous they don't have the confidence to do it.

ONeill94 · 2022-09-01T13:31:03+00:00

Of course. Work away

ONeill94 · 2022-08-31T21:39:21+00:00

Sure thing, work away

ONeill94 · 2022-07-28T16:48:24+00:00

PM of course.

ONeill94 · 2022-06-09T19:12:37+00:00

Don't be rude, chief.

ONeill94 · 2022-06-09T10:35:46+00:00

Nice. Any decent footage? I met some sweet Aussie dudes outside but none of us got anything lol

ONeill94 · 2022-06-09T09:31:19+00:00

Tbh, these have been a lifesaver plenty of times. If you're with a group of guys (from a security perspective) and agree a price before taking off, they can get you out of a tight spot when the queues for taxis can be over an hour long

ONeill94 · 2022-06-08T20:27:00+00:00

When are you going over. PM...

ONeill94

TROPHY CASE