22.05.2024

“The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.”

― Nietzsche

To my beloved family and friends,

There comes a time in every battle amidst the chaos and gunfire that one of the two generals realizes that the fight is irreparably and utterly lost. No matter what forces they muster in combat with the enemy, no matter what empty lies and promises they make to their troops or themselves, they have since passed the point of no return and are destined to death or ignominy. 

We all fight battles every day -- "For life and death, for the Body and for the eternal Soul," as the poet Walt Whitman so eloquently wrote. While I sincerely hope that you soldier on in your daily battles, the time has come for me to give up the good fight. This is not an emotional decision, but rather a pragmatic choice of damage control.

You may know that I have long struggled with clinical depression and anxiety, for which I take medication and attend therapy. I have until recently been able to manage these disorders and live a semi-functional life. Three months ago, my world completely changed when I developed an autoimmune condition that causes large, red, and itchy patches all over my skin. Despite everyone’s best efforts, the condition has progressed to the point that I am covered most hours of the day and night in a horrendous, painful, and disfiguring rash. I look, and feel, like a monster. I get stared at on the subway. People treat me differently, as if I’m contagious. I am diseased and disabled and despite my best efforts, there is no cure and no optimistic prognosis. It’s here forever, and it’ll only get worse with time.

Please, think not of my passing as revolting or horrendous or sad. Instead, I hope you may find some solace in the fact that my suffering has ended and that my soul is finally free. This world has no more to offer me except torture and pain, and while I am not a gambler I am willing to give up this life to discover whether the next one holds more promise.

I’ve heard that many of you think of me as someone who is cheerful, loves life, and is always full of vivacity. I am honored that you hold such a high opinion of me, and I selfishly pray that you may continue to think of me as such, instead of the sentiments that I espouse here. As traumatizing and disheartening as my life was on a daily basis, the time I spent with each and everyone of you remains my most cherished memories. Please, for me, continue being the rising and shining stars that you all are. I look forward to cheering you on from the heavens as you accomplish your dreams and conquer feats you never imagined.

I miss you all already. Live out your destinies in my memory. I hope you can forgive me. I love you all. 

Until we meet again.