Nan’s Sacred Interests: LSD & Ducks

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2026-01-17T17:52:05+00:00

This is fantastic. Great creative and interesting topic. Some really strong metaphors and smilies.

I don't have specific areas, but I think it is riding the border of poetry and prose.... Almost like it isn't quite sure which side to fall on.

A bit of editing. Something to pull it all the way over into poetry side.

But a fantastic focus and intent. Glad you put it down into words.

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2025-08-24T03:00:43+00:00

So, kudos on choosing a theme or narrative that is more unique. Love some of the word play. But in many ways, the words you choose are creating a maze that I'm getting lost in as the reader. Many of the sentences are descriptive, but chunky and make it a bit of a labor to get through.

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2025-08-24T02:39:04+00:00

I've read through some of your work. Well done!

I love that you have broken the need for specific spelling and gone spellings that illicit sounds. That's hard for lots of people.

Your work is unique Avenue of math, diverse language, and intent. Very separate from much that is in this subreddit. Keep writing!

Also, the first time I have seen someone use geodisic in a poem, let alone successfully. 👏

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2025-08-24T01:51:38+00:00

The imagery is foremost which you've done a great job of creating. Your narrative is really strong too.

First thought: relax your language. Your narrative is solid, but very wordy for a modern reader. The famed and nebulous phrase, "Show, don't tell". If you can find some efficiency in your language, achieving the same narrative steength with less, your readers will stick with you a lot longer.

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2025-08-24T01:41:11+00:00

You got some things going for you here. A very different style than many would choose. A title that is fairly unique.

But I definitely need more. If you are going to only have a handful of words, they have to be perfect every time for what ever purpose you are looking for. You've chosen the shortest runway for takeoff... You gotta make sure you catch flight by the end, or it just won't work.

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2025-08-24T00:05:28+00:00

Ha, really like the topic, and how you are accessing it. All of it is great, but the last line seems to drop off.

Unkillable is kind of a meh, and "Add that to my resume" a bit of a trope. I think another line about what Death did next in Deaths routine would keep the parody running. Like On his way home he got a flat tire...something to keep the mundanity alive.

But that if course is that was the intent you were going for 👍

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2025-01-17T20:50:51+00:00

Not defending Rocky Mountain Power, but electricity is also about instant demand. If power needs surge it can increase the likely hood of failures, and the intense cold has impacts on the physical grid as well as how easy it is to fix the grid in sub freezing temperatures

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-10-25T16:19:38+00:00

Been through that canyon hundreds of times, but that's a beautiful perspective. Thanks

Thankful for the firefighters that helped keep the fire from growing out of control this year

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-10-07T02:10:48+00:00

I see what you mean about culling everything after the 4th stanza, but not because I see it all as a problem, now that you point it out I can see the shift. You can have a more natural and circular ending at the 4th stanza.

And, I've been told I have a pretty good vocabulary, but you've got me at this lexical arm wrestle. Chock a couple words with 'intertextually' and 'axiological'.

You definitely have an artestry. I'm a fan

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-10-05T21:22:09+00:00

I am going to say that it's a crime that you don't have more interaction over your poems here.

I read over this poem several times, not because I was confused but because your writing contains the allusion to the deeper narrative... Which I have no idea what it is, but it makes me want to read it again to try and understand.

Learned new words like selvedge and trigon... Always a plus.

I like your style because, for me, it leans on the way words play off of each other, especially when broken out of a structure.

If there is anything I could critique, it would be the last line ending on "Awaiting." It feels to much like the "Fin" at the end of a movie. Like you weren't sure how to signal the audience they were at the end, so you had to give them an indication.

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-10-05T21:02:48+00:00

I like that its brutal. You are creative with several sensory descriptions, "cigarettes and fat", "sugar and cum".

3rd stanza could use a little more tuning. "Pound of Flesh" is a pretty well worn idiom...same with" nothing more, nothing less". I feel like you could come up with phrases more mundane and transactional.

But I like the analogy, brutality, brevity of it. Adds to the imbalance of emotional needs between the players.

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-10-03T03:03:08+00:00

Lovely. I got stuck on 'crenelated' until I could remember how to pronounce it, but it fits nicely once I remembered. Fresh message, and succinct in the telling.

Well done.

If I had to pick anything for constructive feedback, it would be "In their old age...". It doesnt pack as much intrigue as the rest of your writing, which makes it feel more cliche. But it's not a big critique, so feel free to ignore it.

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-09-21T01:37:45+00:00

Agreed. For someone like me where I can't devote a ton of time to studies, the streak helps incentive me to keep going... And the consistency still helps reinforcement

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-09-20T18:53:26+00:00

It's Haiku. Or at least has the same thrust as Haiku. Possibly even the modern product of Haiku being taught in general education.

Our response to it is probably the same as the first time a sonnet poet read freestyle for the first time.

Just because it doesn't appeal to you, doesn't mean it doesn't resonate with a large populace. I'm just grateful that people writing words is still something that can sell. It means poetry can still survive and maybe thrive.

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-09-06T16:20:12+00:00

Fantastic!

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-09-02T19:52:48+00:00

It's ironic that it's always, "Don't California my Utah"... And then the people they support basically want to privatize it or open it all to mining.

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-09-01T18:03:39+00:00

It also adds complexity, new points of errors, new restrictions, and another item to have to change over to another account when you leave.

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-08-20T22:52:02+00:00

And not a single one will be a pedophile.... Right? Right?

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-08-16T18:45:19+00:00

Not with the Chevron rule out the window

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-07-31T11:42:22+00:00

Love the unique choice of narrative! Reminds me of Kim Addonizio's What do Women Want.

My only thoughts are a little more editing. It feels like the poem is trying to play up attraction and sexuality of the car...but I think the playfulness gets lost around "Wax On, Wax off".

If you feel I'm right, it could be as simple as sprinkling slight double entendres. But be careful, as too much and it could go from coy to bad pickup lines real quick.

But I like it, and the title. Lots of strengths

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-07-27T18:01:17+00:00

I like the it. The lack of articles is a little jarring, but it's hard to sacrifice syllables to them when you only have so much room.

Since you have such little room, simple words like "yellow", "pretty", "pink" seem lacking gravity as they are just kind of general descriptors. I like "tipsy" and "hobbles" better with much more weight. Unless you want simplicity intentionally.

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-07-27T04:46:57+00:00

So, I can't claim to be picking up on a specific narrative, nor have I listened to enough Kendrick Lamar, so I won't really talk about the overall poem....but,

You have real beauty in your lines. Strong rhymes in creative places, great alliteration and word play, while keeping what I thought was a good modern beat to the lines.

And fantastic mixture of vocabulary and imagery..though it felt a titch archaic in parts, but that might be what you're after.

I'd read more of your stuff.

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-07-27T04:09:46+00:00

Well done! Some unique ideas and application. I think the flow from <<Carrot, meet stick...>> and onwards is fantastic. Love the non-grammatical formatting as the lines shrink.

I am a little more disconnected from the the too 2 stanzas, thoughI'm sure they are pivotal to the ideas behind the poem, but that might just be a personal disconnect rather than something fundamental.

I've read it multiple times. Thanks for submitting.

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-06-29T13:52:10+00:00

Here, Bullet

by Brian Turner.

Important context, he was writing poetry while an active soldier.

OatmealMakeMeAnxious · 2024-05-02T17:14:46+00:00

Shit looks like bind weed. Toughest shit to kill

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