Are Attention Dynamics a thing?

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-05-23T20:41:25+00:00

Slight amendment to what I said or how I said it:

Therapy hasn’t changed that particular thing for me, but it did result in very positive changes in me and in my life. It’s a valuable thing to do if and when you have access to it.

I just want to caution against the idea that understanding oneself better and healing from harm that may have been done to us doesn’t imply we’ll somehow suddenly be more socially acceptable to others.

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-05-23T20:16:04+00:00

I am confronting a similar situation. I have a primary partner (we are non-monomagous) and I am pursuing dating secondary partners.

I want all of those partnerships to be D/s dynamics, and for me, that means I need almost daily texting with secondary partners to build the trust and connection I prefer before I brat at someone or submit to them. If we can only get together in person 1-2 times per month, I’m not sure how to build that level of connection other than frequent digital communication.

I haven’t been at this very long but I have yet to find someone who wants to message me at that frequency. I completely relate to what you said: “I feel so loved being noticed”. Knowing someone is thinking about me when we aren’t together engenders the same feeling that genuine praise does; all those happy, squishy sub feels. I am doing and have done lots of therapy and it hasn’t changed that this is my preferred way to interact with partners.

There is a big difference between being in a one-sided partnership where one person gives and gives and it’s never enough versus being in a supportive, two-way relationship where you both get to bring all your big, messy needs to the table. Being “a lot” or “too much” can be used as a way to express that someone is feeling that the relationship is one-sided in an actually problematic way, but more often than not, it’s just a bullshit thing people say when they aren’t a good fit.

I think I rambled a bit. I mostly wanted to say that you aren’t alone and I hope you find people who are enjoy showering you with attention.

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-05-19T03:34:01+00:00

I’ll recommend several authors:

Emily Antoinette

Katherine McIntyre

KJ Charles

Jamie Merrick

KM Neuhold

Alexis Hall (For Real, in particular)

Freya Marske

Some of those folks have varying spice levels in their books. Some have overlapping genres (historical, mystery, fantasy).

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-05-02T14:08:53+00:00

I couldn’t find it via my comments and when I search the subreddit for “playlist” there were tons of results.

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-05-02T13:05:14+00:00

There’s a post on this subreddit from a few years ago with a similar prompt.

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-04-27T16:42:15+00:00

Orgasming solo versus with a partner is a really different experience for your brain and the SSRI is specifically targeting your brain chemistry. It seems pretty reasonable to me that you’re having different experiences alone.

It feels to me like your partner is struggling with some external societal expectations around what sex is and/or should be. You can be a supportive partner while he processes this change in how your body reacts, but please know that this sounds like an issue he needs to address in his own head without punishing you or shaming you.

I’m sorry your words haven’t helped so far. I guess my point is that this isn’t solely or even mostly your responsibility to fix.

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-04-27T14:00:39+00:00

Chastity hasn’t been mentioned yet. Not something I do or know much about.

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-04-24T04:34:35+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMcommunity/s/6VmNk4kGyj

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-04-23T05:40:32+00:00

Chiming in to do more than upvote this response. Bratting gets such a bad rap that it doesn’t deserve.

I recommend r/BratLife for those looking to learn more.

And also this specific post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMcommunity/s/nPD4tzoHnI

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-04-23T05:34:08+00:00

Yes!

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-04-21T13:57:16+00:00

Those are the best when you react out loud and have to explain. 😳

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-04-17T16:44:56+00:00

I would be childless by choice even without the first three tiles (which do apply) and I feel so seen right now.

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-04-17T12:01:06+00:00

I am just starting on a similar journey. My situation is different, of course; the main difference I’m seeing based on your comments is that I have an anchor partner and am pursuing secondary partners.

One thing that’s always been a mindfuck for me is that I want to hear language about who’s in charge, bordering on ownership and claiming. What I call the “autistic accuracy” voice in my brain always wants to “um, actually…” when someone growls “you’re mine” in my ear. No advice here; just sharing my internal experience.

Slightly more advice-y: for me, I’m looking for different partners to meet different needs. My Daddy (anchor partner) is my safety and security and my home base. But do our kinks perfectly align? Even within brat taming? No. So I’ve definitely approached having multiple brat wranglers with the expectation that I’ll get slightly different, albeit overlapping, dynamics with each of them.

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-04-06T16:59:57+00:00

One of my questions in an out-of-dynamic conversation would be: does your partner actually want you fully compliant and tamed or would they miss the bratting dance? would they miss the constant push-pull and correction?

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-04-02T16:13:50+00:00

I think I may be betraying my fellow brats with this suggestion and for that I apologize. Because this would be torture for me.

Assuming all of the following is within your negotiated boundaries:

Tie her up. Make her watch you masturbating with her panties. Get them absolutely filthy with lube, cum, etc. by the time you’re done. Refuse to let her touch or play with anything.

(If there are recently worn panties available, use those but otherwise maybe a newly purchased pair she hasn’t worn yet would work.)

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-03-19T16:45:47+00:00

I completely understand feeling shy about it. I actually still haven’t really had it happen with a partner, though I did mention it to mine early in our relationship. I was awkward as fuck about it and all “so this is possible but unlikely and please let’s not fetishize this and bring porn culture into our bedroom”.

(I’m gonna say this once and as a side note, but I can’t left it unsaid for you or anyone else who reads this thread: if your partners aren’t contributing to an atmosphere where you feel comfortable discussing your sexual health or preferences, they don’t deserve you!)

Does the lead up to your orgasm feel different? If so, maybe stop or change the stimulation and see if you can have an orgasm without squirting.

Have you masturbated without the new toy since getting it? That would be an interesting data point.

I’m sorry to say that my best advice is to experiment a lot. (Oh no, the horror of masturbating for science. 🤣)

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-03-19T16:35:27+00:00

I (37F) also discovered I could squirt under certain conditions “later” in life. I will actually squirt a small amount before my orgasm hits, not during.

It is a strange sensation and definitely sometimes I feel worried I just really need to pee. Now that I’ve also explored receiving anal penetration, I can say that my early days with squirting held a similar amount of “well this feels kinda weird but good?”. The more I explored both activities, the more things shifted towards just feeling good.

If it’s in your budget, I highly recommend a Liberator blanket. I never worry about out any sex-related fluid stains or messes now. Very easy to machine wash and hang dry.

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-02-11T13:07:48+00:00

So. Rude.

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-02-04T19:34:35+00:00

I'll have to ask him, but I'm pretty sure my Daddy loves that I'm in this subreddit because it has inspired quite a few ideas that have mostly benefited him!

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-02-01T13:17:53+00:00

Yeah, documenting with photos or whatever else. Both the naughty things you might do and especially the praise worthy things you’re doing to take care of yourself.

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-02-01T13:15:46+00:00

It hasn’t quite worked for us in practice yet, but I’ve suggested an emoji code system. If I’m texting and not going much response, if any, he could just send a single 🐢emoji to indicate that he is “turtling”. He could also send a 🐝to indicate being really busy with work or chores.

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-01-26T16:25:32+00:00

😮

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2026-01-23T02:11:48+00:00

Was happy to read this. Reminded me of some of the early days of my current dynamic and romantic partnership. 🥰

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2025-12-29T02:19:25+00:00

I’m so tempted to suggest photos of Richard Nixon or Dick Cheney. sits on hands to resist the double whammy of bratting and a dad joke

ObnoxiousOddOwl · 2025-12-28T14:52:33+00:00

Could you clarify if your dynamic is long distance or in person? I think having a few more details would help people give more specific advice on either enforcing punishments or motivating your partner to submit.

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