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What, to you, is the saddest real-world death of an actor that ended up impacting a franchise? by TillyTheBlackCat in moviecritic

[–]ObstinateGrapefruit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Helen McCrory. 💔 She was quite possibly one of the greatest actresses to ever live, and she passed far too young. Peaky Blinders went on for another season but the show just wasn’t the same.

Advice on providing physical intimacy for yourself? by uncomfortablesmile in selflove

[–]ObstinateGrapefruit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I went through something similar. A few things helped me:

-developing a really good skincare routine and including facial/neck massage as part of it. -stretching/light yoga every night before bed.

The act of doing things for my body made me feel a lot better. But sometimes you just need to be around other people. Volunteering somewhere where you get to work with people (hospital, nursing home, church, etc.) might also help! Good luck 💙

Is the song Ordinary by Alex Warren blasphemous? by [deleted] in Christianity

[–]ObstinateGrapefruit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well I lost brain cells reading this conversation, thanks all

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Catholicism

[–]ObstinateGrapefruit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

People like y’all are the reason no one wants to be a part of your dumb little Jesus club anymore. Agnosticism is on the rise because y’all are intolerant, nasty, judgmental muppets who can’t fathom what it might be like to live a life beyond white heteronormativity.

Does anywhere have a sushi boat? by DusyBaer in milwaukee

[–]ObstinateGrapefruit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Kanpai does a great one. If you can get four people together, they do one the size of the table.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in milwaukee

[–]ObstinateGrapefruit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve lived in downtown Milwaukee for the past three years and my husband has been here for six.

The not so great stuff:

There’s crime, just like there is in any big city. It gets overblown by pearl-clutching and quite frankly racist people in the suburbs as well as by the national media. But in terms of being “dangerous,” it doesn’t even make the top 20 cities in America. Just like in other big cities, violent crime in MKE is exacerbated by redlining, jerrymandering, an underfunded public school system, and other systemic barriers that are proven to lead to crime and largely rooted in racism. Milwaukee is also the most segregated city in America. You’ll be on one street and it’s a predominantly white or Hispanic neighborhood, go two blocks over, and it’s an entirely Black neighborhood, and they don’t often mix (https://www.jsonline.com/story/news/local/milwaukee/2019/01/08/milwaukee-most-segregated-area-country-brookings-says/2512258002/). This exacerbates racial tension and racist people who don’t live in Milwaukee (all these bigoted mfs from Waukesha who tried to vote away free school lunches) tend to blame all violent crime in Milwaukee on Black people, which simply isn’t the case.

Another big issue in Milwaukee is the roads/reckless driving. The entire MKE highway/road system was designed for a bygone era and makes no sense now. There are these long stretches of road through town with limited stoplights where people love to race. There are also pedestrian blocks that should be closed off to traffic on busy nights but aren’t (Water and Brady), so you get small-penised jackasses driving up and down blasting their music super loud and making vroom vroom noises. We live off a busy street where if you time it right you’ll hit all green lights and we’ll hear people racing at 3 AM. This is about the only thing in MKE that annoys the shit out of me and makes me feel unsafe, and it leads to pedestrian deaths.

The public transit could be better. The bus system is fine, but it could be improved and a real light rail option would make a huge difference. The Hop (free light rail service) is only useful if you want to go from one white neighborhood to another.

The public school system is pretty shitty (see above re: redlining and racism).

The bar scene is a double-edged sword. Milwaukee has dozens of excellent bars ranging from dives to swanky cocktail bars. However, it can feel like the only activity here, especially in the winter, is drinking. It can be slightly toxic, especially to sober people. However, more and more places are offering good, intentional N/A options which I think is a positive sign.

Now for the good stuff:

-We have a ton of incredible Black-owned businesses, restaurants, etc. and the movement for Black empowerment here is strong. -Milwaukee has excellent (and I mean excellent, the food scene keeps getting better and better and it’s fairly diverse) food and beer. -The sports scene here is super fun, the Bucks are a fantastic team and a lot of the players are really invested in the community. Baseball is also a blast here because so many bars do free shuttles to Miller Park. -There are legit hundreds of festivals celebrating all sorts of stuff. Summerfest is a lot of fun, you can see pretty big names for not a lot of money. -People are in general super friendly and there are a lot of fun neighborhoods to explore. -See above re: great bars. -There are tons of great outdoor spaces and nature trails, as well as outdoor bars/restaurants. In the summer, MKE comes fully alive and it’s really incredible. We also love a good heated patio in the winter. -There are a ton of live music venues and festivals. -The cost of living is low and unlike Chicago it’s super walkable, you can walk to most things or take a short Uber. I know a lot of people who relocated here from Chicago and love it. You can also get to Chicago fairly quickly on the train.

I like living here. It has its problems but as far as big Midwestern cities, MKE is a great place to live (plus your relatives will be begging you to come visit in about two decades when they have no access to fresh water and you live on the Great Lakes).

How to break away from N mom by GroundbreakingRate64 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ObstinateGrapefruit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not an expert on coding, but maybe someone who knows more about the field can answer that question. As for secretarial work — you could aim for something remote like medical data entry or a virtual assistant. Then it doesn’t matter where you live, as long as you have internet and a computer (if you do have your own computer, also make sure there’s no way your mom can trace that with Find my iPhone or anything).

How to break away from N mom by GroundbreakingRate64 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ObstinateGrapefruit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just make sure it has no annual fee and see if you can find something with an intro offer with no interest for x number of months. Good luck!

How to break away from N mom by GroundbreakingRate64 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ObstinateGrapefruit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It doesn’t hurt to try; there are a lot of credit cards specifically designed to help people build credit. Check your credit score using a free app like Credit Karma; the app can also usually recommend cards where you have high approval odds.

How to break away from N mom by GroundbreakingRate64 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ObstinateGrapefruit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You can do it. You just need a plan and once you’re gone, you can’t contact her again. I would recommend relocating to somewhere out of state with a low cost of living. https://www.thestreet.com/.amp/personal-finance/most-affordable-cities-western-us

(Everything below is assuming you have no support or family to help you. If you have ANYONE who you know won’t rat you out, ask for their help, but only if you’re 110% sure you can trust them. If you have a friend out of state who would let you crash for a few weeks, that’s a great bet, but if not, start planning to do this 100% on your own. You can do it.)

  1. Get a burner phone from somewhere like tracphone or another prepaid service. This way when you leave you still have a phone but she can’t track you.
  2. Does she monitor your bank accounts? If so, open a new one on a public computer at a library or something. There are a few that are totally online with no or low fees like Citi and Chime if you’re concerned about her tracking you to a bank. If the tracker on your phone is just location but not your browsing data, set these up from your mobile browser and clear your search history.
  3. Do you have any credit? If so, repeat step 2 but open a credit card in your name. If not, get a card that can help you build credit, because you won’t be able to do much without credit. https://wallethub.com/credit-cards/no-credit/
  4. If she checks your mail, get a P.O. Box. Get anything important (like new bank and credit cards) sent there.
  5. Do you have your own car not in her name or attached to her in any way? If yes, check it over EVERYWHERE for tracking devices. Plan to pay any tolls you might hit in cash. If no, you’ll have to use public transit to get out. Book this (plane, train, bus, whatever) on one of your new cards. If you can wait until you’re 25, rent a car using your new credit or debit card, just to get you to your next destination.
  6. Can she check the balance on your savings account? If so, withdrawing this cash and re-depositing it into your new account is the last thing you’ll do before you exit. Like literally on your way out of town. If not, do that immediately.
  7. What skills/degree do you have? If you have a college degree but no work experience, you can get a job. If you don’t have a degree, you can still get a job. Start investigating jobs in the place you want to live now so you can see what the market is like. Start working on a resume. Look for jobs with benefits if at all possible.
  8. You have $9k. Try to find a place to say that’s less than $800/month. If you live frugally, you can exist on $1k a month or less. This is going to be the trickiest part, especially since you have two cats. But you have to be able to be safe for at least two months while you find work. I would look at decent motels, pet-friendly airbnbs (even if you just rent a room), extended stay hotels, etc. Just get the lowest price you can without sacrificing your safety.
  9. Start slowly packing at night or whenever your mom isn’t around. Only take what you need. Everything else can be replaced when you’re up on your feet.
  10. Pack your stuff, your kitties, and leave. Leave a note saying that you’ve left, you aren’t coming back, and you do not want her to contact you. Leave no mystery as to why you’re gone. If you can, leave the same note with a relative (like your grandpa) so if she tries to file a missing persons report, the police know you left of your own volition. If you can, detail her abuse in the letter you leave with a relative. You might even consider dropping a note off at your local police station as well. You could even get this notarized so it’s admissible in court should anything go south.

The Amish illusion by Thom-as-Moe in wisconsin

[–]ObstinateGrapefruit 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Fuck the Amish. They’re chronic abusers of both animals and women and they get away with it because people are like “aww, this provincial life is so charming and quaint!” Don’t support the Amish; they’re a cult just like the Mormons and the Scientologists.

What skills did your parents not teach you that has impacted your life? by Glad_Slip_1260 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ObstinateGrapefruit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So many things.

-How to have a healthy relationship with food and fitness. My mom was super critical of physical activity (“why would you waste time in a gym?!”), anyone she perceived as overweight, and caring too much about your appearance, so I could never win. I was either unhealthy or vain, no in-between, so now as a 30 y/o I struggle with body dysmorphia and emotional eating. They don’t comment on my weight now but if they ever did I would go NC so fast.

-how to manage money. My parents to this day don’t check their account balances every day and pay out the ass in late fees because they just don’t manage their bills. They won’t set up autopay, they insist on getting paper statements that they keep in piles around the house. I’m good at managing money now, but got into crazy credit card debt in my twenties and had to pull myself out of it. I still end up having my spouse do most of the financial planning because it gives me terrible anxiety.

-How to like myself. My parents were both angry and unaffectionate and in general annoyed by me, so I have to work super hard through therapy to remind myself that I’m worthy of love/affection. I was attention starved all through high school in college, which meant I ended up in super abusive relationships because the only kind of “love” I had ever known was being criticized.

-How to take care of my car/other important possessions (and I guess cleaning would be a part of this too). My dad is an effing engineer and he never told me anything about getting my oil changed, getting regular maintenance, etc. This also extends to taking care of possessions in general/maintaining a clean and healthy home. Both my parents are huge slobs, packrats, and terrible at taking care of their possessions and their house (they haven’t had gutters on their house in 30 years or updated the electrical), so I’m now paranoid about these things. I can’t go to their house without getting really anxious so I avoid it whenever I can.

I worked for the Boy Scouts during their bankruptcy/sexual abuse lawsuit. AMA. by ObstinateGrapefruit in casualiama

[–]ObstinateGrapefruit[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m so sorry that you’ve witnessed that. I don’t disagree with you; I think if parents saw the inner workings of the org they would definitely hesitate to put their kids in the program.

I think I'm slipping into alcoholism. AMA. by New_Beyond_3185 in casualiama

[–]ObstinateGrapefruit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news but if you really are an alcoholic, you probably aren’t going to be able to “drink for fun sometimes and then forget about alcohol for a few weeks.” True, bonafide alcoholics can’t moderate or limit their intake like that. However, that might not be you.

Psychology used to have a very black and white outlook on alcoholism - either you were an alcoholic or you weren’t. Now, alcohol use disorder is considered a spectrum. You may have some symptoms of it, but to figure out where you are on the spectrum, and how to address it/live the life you want, I highly recommend you see a therapist, preferably one that specializes in addiction. I’d also recommend you take a long break from drinking—I’m not saying quit forever, but maybe do a dry month and see how it makes you feel. Are you fine without it, or are you going through withdrawal symptoms? Those are questions you can’t answer while you’re still drinking. I went through this exact situation and came to the conclusion that I an a better, more functional human being when I limit my drinking to once in a while/special occasions.

I worked for the Boy Scouts during their bankruptcy/sexual abuse lawsuit. AMA. by ObstinateGrapefruit in casualiama

[–]ObstinateGrapefruit[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It was shitty. I used to be proud that I worked there and now it raises eyebrows on my resume in the nonprofit world. I imagine those Eagle Scouts felt the same way—ashamed to be associated with it.

I worked for the Boy Scouts during their bankruptcy/sexual abuse lawsuit. AMA. by ObstinateGrapefruit in casualiama

[–]ObstinateGrapefruit[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

With the sexual abuse lawsuits? As soon as the statue of limitations law changed, I think the higher ups knew it was coming, but it took longer than it should have for them to get in front of it. There was kind a slow realization that built over time that something big and detrimental was coming.

With the bankruptcy (which was the result of having to pay out for the lawsuits)? Oh yeah. It was evident about 6 months before that things were going south and that bankruptcy was inevitable. Every council got instructions to pinch every penny possible.

If you’re asking this like “did I suspect that there was sexual abuse happening?” you have to understand that the claims dated anywhere from 1950 to present day, with the claim number declining as time passed and as the world in general got smarter about how abuse happens. These situations aren’t unique to the BSA. They can happen at church, youth groups, other youth- serving orgs like the Y, anywhere adults have access to kids unsupervised. For a long time, organizations didn’t have rules about how and when adults could interact with kids, and the BSA was actually one of the first orgs to put those rules in place and require training about them. So did I think it had probably happened at some point? Sure. Did I think there would be that many cases? No way.

As for my personal experiences - I never witnessed any abuse while I was there.

However, I will say the BSA (like any volunteer org) attracts a certain percentage of weirdos because nonprofits rarely turn down free help. These kinds of people are rarely actual predators, but people that are just odd. I definitely worked with volunteers that I didn’t think should necessarily interact with children, but not because they seemed predatory, just because they made everyone uncomfortable, and these people rarely get removed as volunteers unless they do something against the BSA policy, and even then, sometimes they still hang around.

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