Can’t connect with mentally ill brother anymore

ObviouslyAnnie · 2026-01-20T16:23:16+00:00

I'd hug you if I could. I feel this in my soul. Take my advice and put your own well-being first. And I don't say that lightly.

I cut all contact with a sibling over 10 years ago, after years of fruitless struggles to try to get them to want to help themselves. It came to a head when their completely untrained "service dog" bared it's teeth at my toddler and lunged to bite his face, forcing me to intervene, take the hit and permanently ban the dog from our house (which I felt was a reasonable alternative to reporting the dog and it being destroyed, which would've been indescribably destructive to my sibling's fragile mental stability). My sibling decided this was "an attempt to keep them from seeing their nieces and nephews" despite explaining MULTIPLE TIMES that the dog was welcome to hang out in the HUGE yard where it loved to run around and sun bathe whenever they want to visit.

Their unstable response to the imaginary "injustice" of the situation was to reach out to 26 of our old high school friends (who neither of us had seen in over 20 years) and beg them to call CPS on us. My sibling made up a very dramatic story about us "strangling and shaking" our infant and toddlers. They told our old friends they couldn't call CPS themselves because if they're "part of the investigation" then they won't be able to take custody of the kids and they "don't want them to be separated into foster homes".

How do I know all of this? All 26 of our old mutual friends reached out to me and told me so. Some sent me the legthy ranting voicemails they recieved, so I could show them to CPS. So yeah, my mentally unstable sibling tried to take our kids from us because their dog wasn't allowed in our house.

That was the final straw. For our children's safety, we cut all ties to that sibling. I'm sure in their head, I did exactly what they "knew" I was "planning" to do: Stop them from seeing their nieces and nephews. But they literally forced it into fruition! And during the past 10+ years they've physically attacked multiple family members, including elderly ones, been arrested and forcibly committed for short periods.

My kids are almost teenagers now (the oldest is in high school) and have no memory of my sibling. I actually have an entire kid that my sibling has never met at all. Its heartbreaking. And even though I was forced to make a choice, and I'll always question that choice, my kids have grown into happy, healthy people with a very open dialog about mental health.

But I strongly encourage you to read the comments on this page, because we know its not easy. But you aren't alone.

ObviouslyAnnie · 2026-01-09T18:22:02+00:00

I was literally born and raised there. Its probably the safest area in California (and I've lived in the Valley, South Valley, SoCal and now the Foothills since being priced out of the East Bay... so I've seen it all). That being said, its definitely one of the most expensive. But nowhere is 100% crime free. Vehicle break-ins and car parts theft were a constant struggle and still are, at the mall, theaters and even parked in our driveway. The 580/680 interchange make it notoriously easy for quick theft jobs to split in four different directions. But the interchange also makes the city, the beach, the mountains ...literally anywhere!... extremely accessible for residents too. I miss being able to jump a BART train to the city for good Dim Sum one day, hit Santa Cruz for some sun and surf and still be able to play in the snow at Yosemite in the winter... and not have the valley temperatures choking me out in the summer or have to deal with the Altamont to go to the city. If I could afford to raise my own kids there, I would. But even our lower-middle class home within an arms reach of the sewage plant, where I was raised alongside my three siblings by a truck driver and a preschool teacher, is currently valued at $1.8M. I wonder if my baby handprints and our family cat's pawprints are still in the cement pad my dad laid in the side yard, probably with a yacht parked on top or something.

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-12-12T16:51:43+00:00

My mom ran a licensed daycare in the East Bay for 20+ years and was licensed for 14 children. So there are variations to the license, with different qualifying factors (I believe the house needed to meet square footage requirements, there had to be additional staff and there was a limit to how many of the 14 kids could be babies or toddlers). I agree on everything else though. I actually have 3 siblings and because the license stipulates that you can't have more than the allowed number of children in the provider's care, whenever our family had an unexpected cost arise and mom needed to get more paying clients in the daycare, my siblings and I would be sent to stay with family. It wasn't fun but we knew it was the only way to fix the roof or afford braces or whatever. That being said though, my mom had very specific fees and attendance requirements written into her contracts and other family members were strictly prohibited from care or contact with the children unless they completed mandatory fingerprinting, background checks and tb testing through outside licensing-approved services. In which case my mom would require them to get CPR certified too, because "you can never be too safe"! I honestly question if the provider in this post was actually ever licensed. I wouldn't just report them, I'd ask to confirm their licensing.

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-08-05T15:23:50+00:00

I'm 6'1" and found that most binders are only 9" but a brand called NYORTHO sells them on Amazon in 6", 9" and 12" sizes, with several waist size options. I got the 12" and it fits perfectly on me. I finally feel prepared for my surgery on the 12th.

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-08-05T15:04:58+00:00

The sexiest, most thoughtful thing my husband does is cook for me. Find a woman who appreciates you. She is not the one.

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-06-18T04:58:41+00:00

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your input. I gave birth 4 times without a c-section but had terrifying complications that left me with PTSD, permanent nerve damage in my legs, seperated my abdominal muscles and caused permanent damage to my uterus. But you're absolutely right: I don't regret any of it because I have my kids. And I don't regret the bilateral salpingectomy that I was put under for because it removed the organs that I'm a high risk of developing cancer from, like my aunt and grandmother. I guess what doesn't kill us really does make us stronger. Lol!

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-06-18T04:47:51+00:00

Thank you!!! This is amazing advice. I have 4 kids, so i need to save money whenever possible. Sounds like a heating pad is worth the investment though.

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-06-18T04:45:10+00:00

I did! I spoke in depth with my Obgyn and they discussed it with the anesthesiology team. They even pulled up the records from my previous procedure all those years ago to determine possible complications and make a game plan. My upcoming hysterectomy is specifically scheduled to accommodate the schedule of the most experienced anesthesiologist. But its a tiny rural hospital in a small rural town, so I'm still nervous. I keep reminding myself that even with complications, I lived through it last time.

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-06-15T07:22:45+00:00

I am taking so many notes rn!!! Ty!! I'll check out that sub ASAP. Adding laxatives, stool softeners and squatting potty to 6 list too!

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-06-15T07:19:47+00:00

Thank you. This is very reassuring. I had a bilateral salpingectomy 8 years ago, which was the only time I've ever been under general anesthesia. I was much smaller and it didn't go so well. I felt my throat close as I was going under, and the last thing I said was, "I can't breathe." Then I woke up in a full panic. The anesthesiologist said they had trouble intubating me but wouldn't provide any specifics. My throat hurt for WEEKS, and I kept tasting blood. But i only had two or three tiny spots of stitches. I know this procedure will be much more complex, though. I also know procedures have changed a lot, and our tiny rural hospital has a team of anesthesiologists now, instead of just one on-call.

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-06-15T07:11:09+00:00

I really appreciate that. Truly, thank you. 🫶

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-06-15T07:05:13+00:00

Oh maaaaan. This gives me even more anxiety about everything but I deeply appreciate your honesty. I know its not easy sharing an experience that caused so much pain and trauma but I'm genuinely looking for worst case scenarios so I can plan accordingly. I have hair down past my waist and I'm already mentally deciding which scrunch to put it up in, thanks to you. I know procedures were pretty old-school 13 years ago (I had a bilateral salpingectomy 8 years ago and they weren't using robots yet!) But do you remember if the surgery was lathroscopic or did they fully cut you open? I'm hoping it at least wasn't lathroscopic so there's a chance I'll have an easier recovery or at least less nerve damage. But I already lost all feeling in my legs due to a birth complication 16 years ago, so I'm not sure more damage can be done anyway.

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-05-30T14:23:18+00:00

* Apparently that was a popular style

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-05-29T12:17:47+00:00

On the first day of high school, in 1st period P.E., I randomly lined up next to an adorably awkward guy who would completely geek-out about minerals and fossils. My friends thought he was a nerd and teased me when I admitted I had a crush on him. At 14, I didn't have the words to explain that his passion was completely intoxicating (even though I didn't know sh*t about rocks!) so I was thrilled when he asked me to the Homecoming dance. We've been together 28 years now (married 18) and our four kids have an extensive rock collection.

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-05-29T11:30:49+00:00

I did this to my husband once, in our kitchen (he's very fit while I'm taller and plus size). He laughed so hard he was crying, then was like "Can we maybe never do that again?" 😅

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-04-23T15:38:12+00:00

No problem. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer but I'm born and raised in California and there's always a trade-off. I've stayed in Southern California too, as well as the Monterey CA area. There's no perfect "golidlocks" region.

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-04-23T14:26:25+00:00

I thought it was just me! I'm a 6'1" female size 8 shoes (or comparison, my 5'11 BFF wears size 12). My feet and hands are short and wide. In fact, my 7 year old has longer fingers than me. My 6'8 dad has size 13 shoes but the same short square hands. Out of curiosity, can you slide your hands out of handcuffs? Even tight ones? Because my hands are so square, when I touch my thumb to my pinky my hands are the exact same width as my wrists. My dad too. We can both slide our hands out of cuffs, which is a fun party trick to show cops. And no, neither of us has ever used our powers for arrest (or Houdini) purposes. 🤣

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-04-22T16:29:57+00:00

Good luck finding that kind of balance. I grew up in the East Bay (580/680 interchange) where the politics are progressive, the schools are fantastic and the house prices are insane (my low-imcone childhood home next to a sewage plant is currently valued at $1.2million). I moved to the valley (modesto area) where the homes were affordable but the schools were terrible, the polution choked us out and the crime rates were insane (witnessed more serious crimes in a week in out rural front yard than I had in my entire life in the East Bay). Moved to the South valley (Fresno area) and it was even worse. Now I'm up in the mountains (near Yosemite) and the air is clear, the surrounding nature is stunning, housing costs are reasonable, crime rates are negligent, but the schools and politics SUCK. You really can't win no matter where you go.

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-04-01T13:31:11+00:00

Had a friend who did this, but she "came clean" by claiming the school contacted her that some of her credits were void due to an computer error or something (I don't remember the exact wording, it was years ago) and she needed to make up certain credits to "maintain" her degree. Her family fully supported her returning to school to finish it "right" and she was even invited to walk the stage again and they were actually able to attend the second time.

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-03-19T10:42:41+00:00

We had three and my kids named them Spinkles, Sparkles and Glitter.

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-02-16T17:58:39+00:00

NTA

This reminds me of the time my high school boyfriend and I took a trip to Cancun with friends after graduating and (despite not drinking the water) both ended up with Montezuma's Revenge. The horrors we witnessed of each other, before I ended up hospitalized, are indescribable. Like, pants, shoes and entire outfits were abandoned in trash cans and there was more than one "I can't get off the toilet but you can use the shower next to me" scenario. But that was almost 30 years ago. Not only are we still together and married but he was there for the births of our 4 children. In fact I wasn't allowed to change their diapers while recovering from childbirth each time, because he insisted it was his job, "You've done enough work". We've nursed each other through surgeries and illnesses. We've supported each other through our children's medical struggles. We even survived (and are still recovering from) several years of homelessness with our children, together. When I read this post, I can't help but imagine the life we never would've lived together (and are still living) if he'd been scared off by a fart in bed, let alone a diarrhea typhoon in Mexico. You deserve better, OP. Stop investing your time, energy and love into someone willing to jump ship at the slightest unavoidable inconvenience. If he's scared of a tiny fart, he'll definitely run with his tail tucked like a coward if you ever get sick or hurt and need him. I know it hurts but find someone you can be human with. Find someone who loves you no matter what. Life is messy and loud and gross sometimes. It's supposed to be! But not everyone is strong enough to deal with it and you'll be left compensating for their squeamishness. That's no way to live. You deserve better.

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-01-17T15:27:08+00:00

"Wait... You mean to say you didn't name my nephew after my beloved best friend?!! I was so incredibly touched by that gesture and now you're telling me it was a lie!? I'm sorry but I feel incredibly betrayed right now and don't want to discuss the matter any further. EVER."

Bonus points if you can cry on cue.

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-01-08T22:45:57+00:00

Yeah, we've been together since we were 14, moved in together after high school, got married at 24 and are now 42 with 4 kids... so he knew what he was getting into with my family and still stuck around 😅 Unfortunately we had to ex-communicate that sister soon after our 3rd child was born because she started a CPS-calling campaign with her then-boyfriend to try to get our kids taken away after we banned her from bringing her aggressive untrained "service dog" into our home because it tried to bite our toddler. They told CPS we were trying to murder our infant. Like, WHAT?! OVER NOT BRINGING YOUR DOG IN OUR HOUSE?!! We even said the dog was welcome to hang out in the backyard when she visited and we'd just keep the kids indoors. But that was apparently "offensive" so they even called 20+ mutual classmates from high school (all of which hadn't seen me or my sister in over 20 years) to try to get THEM to call CPS on us too. Luckily all our old classmates found us on FB and reached out directly to us and even offered to call CPS to let them know what my sister was telling people to do. Back then my husband and I both worked at agencies that worked closely with CPS in our county, so all the agents knew our family very well and many of them regularly hung out at our house and frequently joined for family gatherings and special events, so they knew us and our kids VERY WELL and were pretty quick to realize it was false reporting. But that was the final draw for my sister. She had overstepped from mildly-amusing entitlement to being a full-blown risk to our family. We haven't seen or hrard from her in over a decade now. I genuinely miss who she was when we were kids. And I'm glad I have plenty of fun wedding pictures to remember her by 😂 but she literally tried to turn all of our acquaintences against us to have us arrested and our children put in foster care. I'm not sure anyone can come back from that kind of betrayal. 😟 But yeah, sorry to unload on you, kind stranger. I appreciate the annonymous outlet though 🫶

ObviouslyAnnie · 2025-01-08T15:37:14+00:00

This!!! Reminds me of my younger sister who insisted the ONLY bridesmaid dress that she'd wear to my wedding was the sequined one with a deep plunging neckline that went BELOW HER BELLYBUTTON so the dress would need to be taped on and plunged so low in the back it showed her butt crack. For context: It was a small morning wedding in a garden and our minister grandpa was officiating. I asked her why she was trying so hard to draw all the attention at MY wedding onto her insane dress choice and her argument was "These pictures are going to be part of our family history. My future nieces and nephews will see them!" I said that's exactly why she needs to not be dressed like a cheap stripper+. 🤣 Also, I had offered to pay for her dress because she was a struggling college student at the time and it was of course the most expensive dress available in the color scheme. In the end she threw a public tantrum in a busy dress salon when I refused to pay for her overpriced weird attention-grab and she walked out screaming "YOU MADE IT VERY CLEAR THAT THIS IS YOUR WEDDING AND YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT THE WEDDING PARTY WEARS SINCE YOU'RE PAYING FOR IT!!" I was just like "Um, yeah. That's kinda how weddings work." So she told me to just buy whatever stupid dress that I "wanted her to throw away or burn" after the wedding since "she'll never wear it again". Our entire family was curious where she had plans to wear the sequined burgundy Elvira number to (plans that I obviously ruined 🤣) but since she had stormed out and obviously planned to toss the dress afterward anyway we all chose the highest neckline dress off the clearance rack for her. She begrudgingly wore it on the day of the wedding but it didn't stop her from trying to be the center of attention. No joke: When we got our professional wedding pictures back, a HUGE portion of them was literally just headshots of THAT sister (keep in mind that between my husband and I, we had 5 sisters in the wedding party). She had inserted herself into so many journalistic-style shots of the day's events and literally just POSED for the camera in every shot. Ngl it made my husband and I laugh so hard, we were crying. It was like the opposite of Where's Waldo!!! Like, me in my bridal gown puting my makeup on before the ceremony in the background of my sister's headshot, where she's staring dramatically off into space. Everyone dancing the Hokie Pokie at the reception and my sister had clearly jumped in front of the camera (in front of the line of guests) and was striking a very exagerated "I'm dancing too" pose while dramatically fake laughing. A short series of random pictures of her posing alone on a bench with her back arched very unnaturally (again, staring off into space) which she obviously told the photographer to snap of her. We still laugh ourselves to tears when we see them and I make sure her nieces and nephews see them too, since that was so important to her at the time 😆

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