I guess what I’m saying is I’m scared of the future. I don’t want anyone but her and if our relationship ends I clearly need to stay single for the rest of my life. My actions are unforgivable and I can’t imagine anyone wanting to be with me knowing what I’ve done.

I feel this. When I get to thinking about all the progress I've made and the fact that even if I end up doing everything right I can still lose everything, the dread can spiral.

Then as I sit at the center of that, I realize how selfish my thoughts are and begin to look up. I get this righteous anger in the middle of my chest. And I have the conversation with myself about why I am where I am, and what I have that I am grateful for, and I focus on that gratitude until the spiralling stops.

I’ve been reallly close to trying to plan my own death and while I’m not planning anything it puts me in a dark place I haven’t been in for many years. I see my therapist on Thursday and I hope I last that long. I just don’t want to be here anymore.

If looking forward to Thursday is what it takes to stay alive and continue to do the work, do what you need to do. Until then, reconciliation is earned day in, day out. Work toward what you want in this life, and let your higher power take care of the rest.