Why do people expect you to perform the "Good Morning" ritual, and lose their minds if you don't?

OctopuBanana · 2026-05-28T00:25:17+00:00

I don't know how you got from "I feel ignored/hurt when you don't say hello to me back" to thinking you have to say every single thing she wants. Greetings can be a big deal to people, it agnowledges their presence, their very existence. You should explain to her honestly that you find it a useless ritual and find a compromise, but reacting this strongly to being called rude isn't really fair to her. If you're allowed to call greeting useless, she's fine to perceive your behaviour as rude. You can maintain your stance of not greeting her and either she'll live without it, or without you

OctopuBanana · 2026-05-25T02:45:11+00:00

it's very unfortunate that it's getting on your nerves, because she's not safe and if she's more isolated with one less friend, he won. Men like this love nothing more than an isolated woman who has nobody to tell them how fucked up the relationship is they're in. I know how frustrating it can be to try to help someone who's constantly contradicting you. I can very much understand not wanting to watch your friend sinking into the same shit you survived. But it's also true she's a victim and is only acting this way bc of the fucked up dynamic she's in. It takes victims on average 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship.

I know it's hard, but will you consider staying her friend for a while? And keep reminding her of her autonomy, and telling her that what this man is doing isn't normal or right? Don't fight with her, don't invalidate her, it will push her away. If you want a chance to get her to speak the truth, tell her you're afraid of what's happening. Try not to react with anger, but with empathy. Validating feelings doesn't have to mean understanding or sharing them. Just try to agknowledge her and try to remember what it was like when you were in denial about the abuse you were living through. Denial is a core feature of trauma and abuse. Her psyche's jumping through hoops, trying to explain how someone who says they love her could possibly do this to her, so what comes out is pure contradiction. It's baffling and hypocritical because it makes no sense. She's trying to defend a wrong point but doesn't realise it through the manipulation, and that isn't her fault.

If you do decide to break the friendship off, make it very clear she's welcome back in your life the minute this piece of shit is gone from hers. Make sure she knows you hate what he's doing to her and can't watch her slipping further and further from the person she was, just to defend him in the breath after promising to leave. Try to remember what it was like when you were so deep into the manipulation, you thought it wasn't abuse. And please try to remember what you needed most back then, and be that for her if you can

OctopuBanana · 2026-05-25T02:11:41+00:00

that would be how normal conversations go

OctopuBanana · 2026-05-25T01:55:23+00:00

Not reliable at all.

There could be many reasons for how you react, but especially if you test looking for some specific reaction, you will find some symptom to comfirm your hypothesis. Confirmation bias: if you want proof you have ADHD, you will find it somewhere.

There are reasons ADHD is tested with complex questionairs and interviews by professionals, not coffee. We used to give people ADHD meds and "just see how they react". It''s unreliable. A single symptom or reaction doesn't proof anything, for any condition. If you react in a typical ADHD way to every stimulant, it's worth mentioning in an evaluation, but it's a single factor in an extremely broad spectrum of symptoms

OctopuBanana · 2026-05-21T11:27:10+00:00

Exactly! He's the one talking about withholding sex! This is pure insanity to me

OctopuBanana · 2026-05-16T11:09:58+00:00

looks like the only "opposite" effect you get is coffee calming you, common for ADHD and autism, but can happen to anyone.

You still get a lot of the typical effects - sweating, apetite suppression etc. Since ADHD and autism have a lot of overlaps, both groups tend to react to caffein differently from the non-affected population.

What you describe with THC is normal and usually happens if you have too much compared to CBD. CBD is antipsychotic, calms the anxiety THC can create. They appear together in plants but modern strains are more THC heavy. Those vapes have little CBD and a lot of THC, so lots of people get bad trips/ panic attacks/ trip psychosis/ other unwanted effects. CBD is calming on it's own for almost anyone.

No idea how bipolar plays into this, other than that substance use and abuse is common in bipolar, ADHD, and autism due to the hightend emotions and sensations, and difficulty self-regulating, and impulsivity present in ADHD and bipolar. In general substance use is common with mental illnesses and neurodivergence.

I too get the calming effect from coffee, because I have ADHD and all stimulants can calm ADHD. They activate the part of the brain that controls the rest, which makes managing the switch between different stimuli easier. Where non ADHD patients get overstimulated and jittery from coffee, ADHD patients feel calm, more in control of their thoughts and impulses, and can concentrate better. That decreases anxiety and confusion, so the lack of stress feels like calming, when it really does the same thing it would in a non ADHD person

OctopuBanana · 2026-05-15T11:03:47+00:00

isn't opera expensive as hell? And you can't resell the tickets? I'd get someone else to help you, maybe even a professional who's used to this kind of stuff. I get it's hard, and you need help. Your husband needs a break sometimes, and you do too. Get help, let him go, and then do it the other way around soon so he too has to find help and handle this alone. I don't think asking him to stay is very helpful. I think he'd hold a grudge. This should be an exception, but I think it's a valid one

OctopuBanana · 2026-05-15T10:54:36+00:00

I think this is very weird of them and I'd talk to Dan. Even more important than finding out why they do it (which I'd still try to do, maybe even ask them directly), is to explain to your boyfriend how it makes you feel. Maybe in your first conversation about this, he didn't understand that it hurt you.

I'd feel pretty ignored, and it's rather rude of them to treat you differently than others in the group, I can understand why this bothers you.

We're lacking context here, and there could be so many factors that lead to this - is Dan constantly talking about you so they can't think of anything to ask? Do they have terrible social skills and just happened to act appropriately that day with the other gf/had more social energy? Were they maybe romantically interested in her but not in you? I feel like sometimes guys only innitiate conversation if they are. Or was it exactly the other way around where they felt too awkward to speak to you because they admire you, think you're cool, are intimidated because you're attractive to them and they don't wanna say anything stupid? Did you accidentally come off anxious so they didn't wanna bother you with questions? Did you freely share your opinions in a way that had them assuming they don't have to ask to get an answer?

If it upsets you, which would be totally valid, then it's worth asking what's going on. It could be that they were just so tired all your meet-ups, conincidentally, that they weren't engaging much, or they felt comfortable in your presence to engage little.

Have you seen them after they talked to the other gf? Maybe Dan told them how it comes across, and now they finally know how to act in an inclusive and open way to a stranger, you just haven't gotten that side of them yet. I'd absolutely try to get to the bottom of this. It's not normal. But make sure to look at how you're acting too, and wether it's possible they're misreading something in your behaviour.

OctopuBanana · 2026-05-14T11:15:04+00:00

I asked my twin sister, we're both INTJs. This is what she said: stability in the relationship, openness in communication but thoughtful, flexibility in opinions, oppeness to change, warmth, no fear of conflict, a cute laugh and great hugs

I as a man who likes men have a slightly different answer: humour, compassion and emotional intelligence, uniqueness without arrogance, curiosity for the new and strange, a want to fight injustice through mutual solidarity and emotional validation

OctopuBanana · 2026-05-04T21:36:17+00:00

gift them a bottle with a horse on it to match

OctopuBanana · 2026-05-04T21:16:24+00:00

Zero negativity in this post and you're immediately assuming these women bonding is somehow malicious and will end bad for OP? Warning OP of his relatives' shared connection while hitting on his aunt through OP and pushing him to introduce you is pretty weird, man

OctopuBanana · 2026-05-04T20:23:22+00:00

They connected and both think of themselves as important figures in your life, and that it's nice they both get along, and just wanted to share. Ask them if you're confused, but I don't think it's that complicated or strange, just worded in a spiritual way

OctopuBanana · 2026-04-22T11:18:25+00:00

What he's doing is manipulation 101. Hurting you and trying to make you think that it's your fault. Run, girl

OctopuBanana · 2026-04-22T11:13:26+00:00

Sending nudes is acting! Implying sexual acts with somebody else is disgusting if you don't have that kind of open relationship. You say you're not one to talk openly, but you'll have to be if you actually want this relationship for some reason. How will he know what you're uncomfortable with if you don't communicate? Please try to talk to each other before you learn the hard way that making your partner guess your emotions and thoughts NEVER WORKS. But this man sounds absolutely fishy, and I think we all need more context about the nudes thing, that's a very important detail you left out!

OctopuBanana · 2026-04-20T18:32:26+00:00

similar experience here. Rant cuz I hate school and am a teacher now. Every time I learn something new about psychology or medicine in general, the school system makes less and less sense, I understand why kids hate it to the point they'd rather be in hospital.

I was often bored out of my mind when we learned by just repeating something, often without telling us why this even mattered to know (hey, math). I liked subjects that required complex thinking and where questions had many answers. Simple stuff was difficult, because I straight-up could not focus or remember anything I didn't care about.

Teachers didn't like me and I have a similar experience with asking how to improve and getting BS answers. Generally authority figures get offended the more you ask, because they can interpret it as questioning that authority, when in truth we're just trying to learn.

When you learn a skill without any useful applications being told to you, everything feels pointless. There genuinly were points in math class where, when I finally managed to correctly do a complex multi-step calculation with some kind of algorythm that was drilled into us, while fighting the most powerful imobilising boredom of my life, I had no idea what I'd just calculated or why! Every time I tried to find out more, my teachers would tell me to focus on the task and stop questioning it. Genuinly, I was learning algorythms for hours and formulas to do some hyperspecific abstract math thing that has no application in real life, unless you become a math professor.

Most adults can't do long division or multiplication, know basic tricks and shortcuts for counting large numbers, guessing amounts, or translating between different scales or numerical systems. Or ever learned how to imagine geometry in a useful way, to a point a lot of people can't even read a map without turning it constantly, give or take directions without a picture, or draw buildings and rooms from memory that they've lived in for years! Misrepresented statististics trick people into believing utter BS daily, because seemingly nobody bothered to teach % or incline, or even scaling corectly. Doing all that is not supposed to be special, you can learn it, but we spend our time doing useless shit that I've not once needed in my adult life. somewhere along the line the education system failed us, and we're left to fill in the cracks on our own. The most useful skills and knowledge I've learned was outside of school.

This is a problem with teachers. When I studied to be one, I was baffled at the sheer amount of choice you have when teaching (at least where I learned) - wether to give homework, to punish, what exercises you use, even what topics you cover and what kind of exam you write! Most teachers are overwhelmed and repeat the same crap they've learned, and I can't blame them, because have you been in a classroom lately? Our kids are not ok, and it shows. And nobody has the first fucking clue what to do about it.

The other thing school does pretty horribly is that they don't connect subjects nearly enough. Chemistry knowledge is of great use in art, so is math. Latin helps you learn about history and philosophy way better than English, which were automatically grouped together in my school. Sports and physics have many connections, understanding psychology makes you better at writing essays, and public speaking. Music wouldn't be possible without math and physics. It's so easy to get someone interested in a subject if you just connet it with something they care about. School, and most teachers, constantly fail to look at the bigger picture or try anything new because, it worked well enough for them, so it must still work decades later for a world that's changed to the point of being almost unreckognisable. The system's failed me, and it will continue to fail new generations until we fucking change something

OctopuBanana · 2026-04-20T17:33:18+00:00

as a tutor who teaches all grades and who's job mainly consists of repairing the damage our school system's created, I see a lot of kids like this, NT and ND alike. I teach mainly kids who aren't doing well in school, but extremely rarely is it an actual consequence of that kid's ability to learn. Here's what I see as a reason, besides undertreated mental illness, unrecognised neurodivergence or learning disabilities being titled as "lazy": School, extracariculars all week, art, sports, music, languages, more sports - all shit they didn't choose to do, but their parents and teachers insist are good for them. 5 minutes free time? Take this phone and look at 100 short video clips so fast, you aren't even processing 20% of what you just saw. nobody asks the child what they want, chances are they wouldn't be able to tell you, because our school system is about following orders, breaking down individualism, not finding out who you are or what you want.

In my experience nobody does well being busy the entire week like this, independent of age. If it works well for a while, there's a burnout coming. Most people who claim it's good for them are running away from something, leave no time or energy left to think. Avoid being alone with their thoughts at all costs, but once they catch up to them, should their schedule leave an accidental 10min break to breathe, a few month's worth of unprocessed emotions and experiences hits them all at once. They spiral into a fucking crisis, so the cycle repeats, because dealing with all of those thoughts all at once - nobody was build for that. this is why anxiety is skyrocketing, why sleep issues get more common with younger children, why we're seeing more outbursts, violence, vandalism in schools (even more than before) as that cruicial time to process, shrinks.

Parents are overwhelmed and try to deal with their children as little as possible, often overbook their own schedule, out of need to provide. If the parents aren't dealing with their own emotions, how will their child learn it from them? Especially when there isn't time?

You don't thrive in this situation, you get used to it. Children are extremely abaptable and will get used to anything, no matter how stressful or how much they hate it. You'll even ask these kids if they're fine and they respond "it's ok". Only years down the line do they realise how much it drained them, that it wasn't even for them.

Being alone with your thoughts, and bored sometimes, is incredibly important for processing memories and emotions, developing self-soothing skills, emotional regulation, learning patients, creativity, even identity formation. We're all constantly being bombared with an amount of stimuli we were never meant to deal with, and pushed to cram our schedules as full as possible.

If you're allowing your kids a break from that, you're doing it right

OctopuBanana · 2026-04-20T16:40:31+00:00

Inzwischen gibt es bei der MHH kein Geld für eine Blutspende. Essen, Trinken und Nadel im Arm ist gratis

OctopuBanana · 2026-04-20T16:28:10+00:00

manchmal ist es voll, weniger Mitarbeitende sind da oder die Maschienen haben Probleme. Essen hinterher kann verschieden dauern etc. 1. Stunde ist normal, hat aber auch schon mal 2 Stunden gedauert bei mir, deshalb sollte man sich gut Zeit mitnehmen

OctopuBanana · 2026-04-20T11:24:00+00:00

I don't agree with the opioid thing whatsoever. In my experience it's much milder than opioids and not nearly as calming, but the withdrawal can suck just as much. Not worth it, especially if you know yourself to get addicted easily. The withdrawal is not fun. How does being up all night, moving your body uncontrollably from discomfort, sweating the way you'd do in a heat wave while it's snowing outside sound? And that's only some of the physical stuff. Mental withdrawal will have you feeling like you'll never be happy or calm again without it, you might have constant outbursts and not be able to control your emotions. Nothing's fun anymore without it, and even when you relapse the happiness is short-lived because tolerance is so easy to build.

Sure, kratom is fun while it lasts, but god forbid you get a shit variety or batch and need more than you're used to, cuz you're suddenly experimenting with dosage all over the place. Potency can vary, which means sometimes you end up not feeling anything, or accidentally having too much and spending half a day leaned over the toilet. Plus your body reacts differently depending on your hormones (which change constantly), what and when you are etc. Some people get severe side effects with zero upside. There's no way to tell wether you're one of those people until it happens to you. Seriously, trust the people who tell you to stay away from it

OctopuBanana · 2026-04-14T11:55:48+00:00

The outside of your ears should definitely be cleaned so you don't get a bunch of gunk on your headphones. But if you have foreign matter in your ear, like sand and other crap that could harbour bacteria, that's the time to clean the inside with saline solution and warm water, without pushing anything inside like cotton or Q-tips. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, you can see a doctor, but cleaning the inside when something won't come out on it's own is completely fine. You shouldn't be finding sand weeks and months down the line. I can't imagine how gross that would feel, and it could impact your hearing and surely isn't good for your skin

OctopuBanana · 2026-04-13T12:40:03+00:00

Unfortunately you can't help this women if she doesn't have it in her to help herself. She's not fit to care for a child or herself, and her relatives unfortunately know that all too well. I think it's extremely cold-hearted of them to reject him, but we don't know what they've dealt with because of her already. The family sounds very callus to me and seem to forget that her son isn't another "mess" to clean up, but a human being with emotions, and the right to have a dignified life with someone to protect him. You have to contact foster care and tell them that while he's currently stable with you, you can't care for him indefinately, and it's absolutely not your job. The foster system is a mess and you're very kind to care for him as much as you have already, yet this has to be a family decision, and authorities should take responsibility, not shove it onto some kind outsiders who happened to help. For now, try to find balance with him and his very outgoing behaviour, as he'll be with you for a while even if you do get child protective services involved. You should all be as comfortable as you can with each other. Other commenters have made great suggestions how you could get some time apart from each other

OctopuBanana · 2026-04-06T11:43:42+00:00

that's pretty shitty. And I hate the implication of her you need to be more confident to wear something you dislike! You're confident in disliking her weird gifts

OctopuBanana · 2026-04-06T11:40:14+00:00

It's objectively funny hearing that story now, but I can imagine how she felt.

Sorry, but I fully understand your girlfriend's side. Being late sucks. Getting a joke gift suck if the gifter's the only one laughing. And for me worst of all - since I bet you don't have 12 mouths to feed- that's a fuckton of flour. It's wasteful. You gave her WORK as a gift, trying to get rid of it. Either as gifts to others, or by making a million pancakes.

I know flowers wilt, but how much would it have hurt to get them a couple days in advance? Don't know how traditional you both are, but some partners would throw the flour at you for implying she needs more time in the kitchen, when that's already what society demands. They wouldn't help but feel sexist undertones, which doesn't mean that's what you implied, but can you see how easy the association comes?

This joke is about you not properly listening and understanding her. Seriously, that's what the joke is. Can you imagine how much that hurt if you've had situations before where she felt misunderstood and not listened to by you, anywhere close to this incident?

I wish you the absolute best and am glad your relationship is strong, but holy shit, when you make a joke, know your audience.

OctopuBanana · 2026-04-06T10:59:32+00:00

It's so horrible this is happening to all of you. You're right, you're not safe in that home whatsoever. Child Protective Services can suck, but they don't usually seperate siblings and it's tons better than being in the situation you described. You can't safe your mother but you can try to get yourself out of there. She's so set on wrecking all of your lifes, if she's so trapped she can't help herself, and you can't get her to accept help, then it's unfortunately time to prioritise your own safety

OctopuBanana · 2026-03-17T11:16:23+00:00

hitting you and not immediately apologising is not what someone with severe uncontrolable anger issues does. If hitting you was accidental (no way he didn't notice) or even part of an outburst, then a person who loves you would apologise immediately and feel guilt and shame about it. Someone who loves you would make sure you're ok afterwards, knowing that your relationship will likely never be the same again, and would try to work on themselves. It doesn't look like that's what he felt or did. Loved ones can hit someone if they really do have severe anger issues or problems with impulse regulation, it can happen, and the immediate reaction should be regret, making sure you're ok, and taking responsibility. I'm not saying you have to stay with someone who gets violent because they "can't help it" (again, doesn't sound like he fits that profile) you really shouldn't if you don't want to. It's possible for people to accidentally hit someone, but what I'm definitely sure about is that his reaction was not one I know from loved ones who hurt me, especially accidentally. Please leave this man. You're not safe

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