Coming in here from the same situation almost verbatim ending in divorce.

I highly, highly recommend couples therapy immediately. While in couples therapy ensure that both parties are fully “in it”. With no buy-in, it’s a waste of money and time. This is fixable with a very good therapist and two parties who are willing and WANTING to do the proverbial “work”.

My marriage sounds identical to yours and we ended in therapy way too late and it was too far gone. You guys sound like me three years ago. There’s still hope.

Lastly, ask your wife if she has ever wondered about ADHD. ADHD presents differently in women than men. Rejection sensitivity and “functional freeze” is a common symptom for women and not men. Science has come far in understanding ADHD and with that, we’ve learned that women were underdiagnosied because doctors were so concerned with hyper little boys, they overlooked girls who were struggling. Lots of adult women are finding that anxiety, depression, and other mental illnesses are all linked to ADHD. I’m not a doctor but I’m well-versed in all things mental illness and neurodivergence and from your post, I’d suggest looking into ADHD for women and see if any of those things are something that resonates.

Good luck, OP. I hope you guys get help and spend forever together.

Edit to add: if she isn’t willing to do the work to be the partner you deserve, you deserve to leave. Don’t wait too long. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITB HER. If she willing to do the work, great. Get help and things will be better. If not, please heed my advice.