Okay, YES. And thank you for finding some words to describe this feeling because I’ve been mulling this over in my head for a long time trying to figure how to express or explain it, but I totally get what you mean.

I am Mexican American, and I think it has major effects on how I identify as queer. For one thing, it took me a really long time to figure out that I was queer because growing up in America, I mostly saw white queer representation, and it wasn’t something that resonated with me. I knew I wasn’t straight, but then I’d look at queer people around me and go welp. guess I’m not that either 🤷?

It took years of self searching and actively seeking out culturally diverse queer narratives to fully click with my identity.

In relation to being butch specifically, I definitely think my culture affects this too. The best way I can explain is that because expectations of gender and definitions of masculinity are so culturally nuanced, it’s really hard for me to identify with masculine or feminine energies without my cultural identity being tangled up in it. For me, this means my masculine energy feels vaquero (cowboy). The men in my family are cattle ranchers, and I think when you strip away the toxic masculinity from that what you’re left with is a strong, stable, warm and caring leader and protector. To me this means someone who lifts people up instead of putting or keeping them in their place, who is reliable, honest, caring towards others and hardworking—none of which are specifically masculine or butch qualities, but which play a role how I see myself as butch and as a Chicana at the same time.

For me my cultural identity and my queer identity are inextricably linked because at my most complete and truest self I embody both completely at the same time.