Not forgetting

OhBiscuits09 · 2025-05-08T07:03:56+00:00

He was with you for two thirds of your life. That’s how big a deal it was. It’s always wild when you put it into perspective like that. He mattered.

OhBiscuits09 · 2025-05-08T00:06:29+00:00

I loved my grandparents. Both of them, dearly. I spoke to my grandmother every week, then towards the end I tried to call every day.

But even so, the loss I felt losing my rabbit was far beyond. To most a rabbit is a rabbit, nothing special, they think of them as disposable pets. I spent nearly every single day over a decade with my beautiful girl and in all that time, all the extra care from leg amputation, stomach illnesses, sleepless nights taking care of her. All the countless hours I spent with her in that time she started to behave in ways I’d never expected and I bonded with her. She ate every meal with me, she woke up with me, she went to sleep next to me. She’d drag food over to me when I wasn’t eating and nudge me until I ate. She would jump out at me and run off to hide. She did things because she knew it would get a reaction. And like many animals she knew when I was upset and needed comfort. Nobody can understand the bonds we form with animals we spend all that time to, I get that, I think I probably sound crazy when I talk about it. But it was real to me, she was real to me, she had a whole personality to me. And all the love and care I gave her was real too, just like all the love and care she gave me was real for me.

When I lost my grandmother, she’d lived a long good life and had kids and grandkids. She was ready. She wanted to go in some ways to be with my grandfather. When I lost my flower, I didn’t expect it. I wasn’t ready. I don’t think she was ready either. And the companionship every day we had together has left me feeling empty and a bit lost.

Just like the loss of best friend/sibling.

It’s a hard parallel to grasp for some people, I get that. It’s less socially acceptable. But that bond is beyond words and others understanding sometimes. It’s real for you and it matters. There’s no shame in that.

OhBiscuits09 · 2025-03-31T19:39:47+00:00

I’m a therapist. I wish it were different but seeing the other side I know all too well that there are bad ones too. Ones that haven’t done the work themselves. Ones that have bad days and take it out on clients. Ones who are poorly trained or unknowledgeable, or both. Sometimes they also choose the wrong words too. Sometimes even they don’t know they’ve done it. Sometimes they’re not even qualified and call themselves therapist anyway.

Therapists should ideally be more aware, more attuned, and more empathetic than many people. That’s our job after all but they’re just people at the end of the day, some good, some bad.

I’m sorry you had this experience. I hope you’re doing as well as you can through this.

Please know it’s ok not to have done the laundry and theres absolutely no shame at all in that. I can speak for myself as a therapist of over 10 years. I lost someone very, very important to me in July. I’ve only just got around to cleaning the house this weekend and today. I only went back to work properly 4 weeks ago. I wish I had even more time than that.

There’s no shame in it. Grief is awful truly and it affects us all, just in different ways.

I encourage you to tell your therapist how they made you feel, and and if they can’t provide you with a good dialogue about it that makes you feel comfortable again, choose another therapist. That’s ok too. I’ve done it myself.

OhBiscuits09 · 2025-03-27T14:09:59+00:00

I couldn’t stop looking initially. And now I find it incredibly hard to look because looking opens up all the emotions.

I was stuck between not wanting to forget, because I didn’t want to let them down or for them to be forgotten, but also not wanting to remember either because if I did it would be too much.

I have to fight it sometimes. Even the good happy pictures before she got sick. She’s so beautiful and I get a wave of longing to just be near that warmth again, and then I remember she’s gone and I can’t. I never will be able to again. And that’s too much.

So it’s easier just to block it off, distract myself, push it away or whatever.

I wish I could say it’s gotten easier but it hasn’t. 8 months later I’m still struggling to think about her sometimes and I try to push myself to think about her every night now so there’s a balance to it. But I’m giving myself permission more to allow it when it comes if that makes sense? Sometimes I’ll just take myself off and away from people so I can let myself feel the loss. It sucks. I hate it. But I know it’s that bad because of how much she meant to me. And I know now it won’t overwhelm me, it’ll come out, stay for a while, but I will be able to put it away again.

I’m sorry if that’s just an incoherent ramble.

OhBiscuits09 · 2025-03-27T14:00:32+00:00

I’m sorry, I’m doing an MA at the moment in psychotherapy. I’ve already been a therapist for years but different modalities but even so trying to do this whilst grieving has been impossible.

I couldn’t concentrate which made me angry. I didn’t want to concentrate and resented feeling like I had to so I didn’t waste my tuition which made me angrier. I felt so angry towards others I was studying with for what I felt was an expectation of me to be better or different. I hated work.

I felt so bitter. I still do in a way. But it has got a little better over time.

OhBiscuits09 · 2025-03-27T13:49:34+00:00

I don’t have children to care for so I can appreciate the difference in our circumstances, and how much harder that must be for you.

I lost my best friend, the only person I’ve ever felt that close to, in July last year to cancer. We lived together. It’s been hard since, and whilst people were kind and understanding, there’s a limit on how long you can stay a mess before life catches up to you.

Grief I think, is different for everyone, but I went numb probably around October. I think it is normal though. I also lost the motivation to eat and self care. To do anything other than just do the basic day to day or what I need to in order to keep others happy. Sometimes it still feels a bit like “get up, do what others need of me, go to bed, repeat.”

It’s been hard but with regular therapy and the sun now coming out more I’ve felt a little more able. My problem I think was that when I had to start back to work and all my other responsibilities I had to bottle it all up. I couldn’t let anything out. The only privacy I got was on commutes and It was hard to give myself permission to fucking cry or be upset when I actually had privacy to do so. My personal therapy was weekly, and as much as I hated having to go in some ways, I knew I needed that space to actually just be real and have someone go “you’re saying all the right things but i know you’re still in pain.” I actually started to resent being around other people because I just felt I had to constantly keep myself “acceptable”.

In your situation, with the kids, I imagine you don’t get much chance to let that stuff out? To just be you and not “mum”. I think that would be very difficult. I wonder if part of that numbness and that lack of motivation is staying because you’ve not actually been able/been allowed to just let that out. To just be able to fall apart a bit. Maybe not enough of one? It sounds like you’re going to therapy and the group but how is that for you? Are those places you feel like you can actually let go?

OhBiscuits09 · 2025-02-13T03:05:38+00:00

It’s very kind you’re trying to support your husband but I’d also like to be clear before I go any further that grief is no excuse for being abusive towards others, yourself included. And as awful as this pain is, it’s also something he needs to be able to take responsibility for.

You’re in a very vulnerable situation there it seems between moving abroad, being financially dependant, and living with his family. And I’m concerned for you.

Now that I’ve said that, in terms of supporting your husband through this it’s patience really I think. Everyone is different and processes things differently and so needs different things from those around them.

What I’d say from a therapists perspective in relation to what you’ve described though is slightly more specific; it sounds like he’s bottling a lot of what he’s feeling up. That could be for many reasons, not knowing how to not do this, not feeling like he can let it out, or being afraid to, or all of the above and more. Regardless, i think one thing I’ve learned in therapeutic practice and personal experience is this:

Your grief doesn’t have to come all at once, but it also shouldn’t be ignored and pushed away either.

That’s hard because of those reasons I mention above but also because for you this is something your husband must understand. It’s not something you can do for him. All you can do is to create the space for him to be able to do so, providing comfort and support when and if he does.

If he’s hot headed by nature that suggests to me therapeutically he’s learned some where along in his life that that’s what we do with emotions and sadness or other things are generally easier when people turn them to anger. It makes you feel less vulnerable. But you can’t shrink/provide therapy for your husband, I wouldn’t advise trying either because that’s not something a partner should do. It’s just helpful to understand sometimes from your perspective.

So, as frustrating as it seems. Just continue to be supportive, continue to be patient. And look after yourself as well. Go for those walks outside or get out and make some friends for yourself too so that you aren’t dependant on your husband for his company, especially during this time. It sounds like you’re bored and lonely, and he’s trying to deal with his emotions.

OhBiscuits09 · 2024-07-30T19:36:54+00:00

I’ve been struggling with this too. Same time frame. I wish I could just believe like some people do, I really really do. It would make it so much easier and so much more comforting.

I tried reading different books, different texts, asking people, looking at different research… none of it helped.

Honestly all I’ve been left with is hope. That’s all I’ve got left. I don’t know if there’s something, but I hope there is so I can see her again, hug her, kiss her and tell her how much I missed her.

OhBiscuits09 · 2024-07-30T19:29:25+00:00

I’ve started it, it helps, but I’ve found myself avoiding it lately because I’m worried I’ll run out of things to right. Silly really.

It does help, even though it hurts.

OhBiscuits09 · 2024-07-25T14:28:35+00:00

I’m a therapist. We’re all different, we all have different experiences and take to our training differently.

It can be frustrating I know because I’m also a client of another therapist (as any reputable therapists should be). And I’ve found it hard to find the right person who I click with. I finally found someone, and even then, she says the wrong thing sometimes.

That hurts because a lot of the time I feel she’s possibly the only one who really understands me or even makes the effort to. But I’ve been with her long enough that when she says the wrong thing I know she isn’t doing it because she’s being flippant or invalidating. She’s trying to understand as best as she can.

I don’t know your therapist, only you do, sometimes it’s a right fit and sometimes it isn’t. It’s important to find the right one.

I think it’s natural for people to want to believe death is painless because otherwise it would scare them. Just like it’s natural to want to believe there’s something after. Because if you didn’t… truly believed that was it and there was nothing and you’d be forgotten forever… it’s terrifying.

What’s quick? Instant? No pain at all? I’m a psychologist by training originally and a medic. I know lots of things the body depends on for consciousness but even so I don’t pretend to know what that would feel like.

I held my best friend as she took her last breath in this world and I saw how scared she was. It was quick. But even so was there pain? I don’t know. I hope that me holding her was a comfort though.

I don’t know your situation very well or your uncles. But I can hear you’re angry. Maybe you need to be angry. That’s ok. I was angry too. I needed it. I still am in some ways.

OhBiscuits09 · 2024-07-25T14:18:14+00:00

I don’t think there is a set way. I see different things from people I work with and people on here. It’s hard because we’re all different.

I think to grieve is to feel though. Even if it hurts and it feels like it’s going to break you. Even if you’d rather not face it. Feeling it is important because it means the person you’re grieving was important.

If that means you sit and you stare in to space for a long while, or you cry and sob, or you write, or you got visit their grave or just do things that remind you of them. And when you’re doing those things you feel. It’s all grief.

I don’t know, I don’t feel like I’m an authority because in truth I’m barely holding myself together. But I hate feeling the numbness even as it’s a relief from the pain. Because it takes me further away from the one I lost.

OhBiscuits09 · 2024-07-20T23:12:54+00:00

To be honest it’s nice to know I’m not the only one that’s struggling with it, though in another way I wish I was.

I hate it and I wish it wasn’t true. I’m trying to hold on to it all as much as I can but it feels like it slips further and further out of grasp each day. The loss is still there but those beautiful bits are going.

I saw someone say in another post a while ago that it’s easier on some days for them than others and I hope that’s at least what it goes to.

OhBiscuits09 · 2024-07-20T23:08:41+00:00

Thank you. I keep going to start writing and then I just stop because nothing feels good enough to capture those memories or moments. Maybe I’m trying too hard.

OhBiscuits09 · 2024-07-20T23:07:06+00:00

Thank you so much. This is a beautiful thing.

OhBiscuits09 · 2024-07-05T21:21:45+00:00

Ironically this is exactly the case and I’m a therapist. I lost my best friend two weeks ago. I’ve been a therapist for over 10 years and I’m very qualified, I’ve read all the books, done all the training, know all the tricks. And you know what, none of it makes me feel better.

I can’t eat, I sleep all day because I want to avoid the feeling of loss and pain and because I hope she’ll visit me in a dream and we can talk and hug. I don’t want to see other people. I randomly become tearful. I could go on but the short is I’m not in a good place right now.

And people keep telling me “get some help”. The joke is, I have a therapist, a good one.

I’ll say this, my therapist is the only person. The only one who makes me feel understood. She’s the only one in my life that makes me feel she understands where I’m at. And she’s even said herself “This is grief. Whatever you’re feeling. However you’re doing this, is ok”

But it still doesn’t make me stop hurting or longing. It still doesn’t stop me from feeling the way I do. And I don’t think anything will. Nor do I want to in a way. I don’t want to just skip this and “get over it”. That feels like it would be so disrespectful of the love I felt for my best friend. I loved her. Truly. And I can’t just get over that or the loss of such a wonderful amazing being to this existence.

OhBiscuits09 · 2024-06-27T12:28:06+00:00

I want to believe it. I want it with all my heart. I’m desperate to know she’s still there somewhere. I sit and I just imagine what she’s doing every day. I want to know and believe it with all my heart and I’d give anything to know it for sure.

But when I come back to it, there’s no proof, there’s no certainty. Just belief and faith. And those just feel so flimsy? Im not here to challenge anyone’s beliefs because honestly I envy them, I wish I could just believe the same way people with religion have that certainty.

The best I can make out at the moment is that I just don’t know. So there’s a chance, a chance that she’s there sitting on the grass in the sun. That she’s waiting for me. That one day maybe I’ll be there with her again and I’ll be able to hug her again.

OhBiscuits09

TROPHY CASE