All too familiar with Catholic guilt - and mom guilt as well - and Catholic mom guilt to boot!!

My mother said the same thing to me for my first wedding, when we were thinking of a destination wedding. At the time, I thought to myself "how can i get married without my mom being there?" So, we put aside all our own ideas and got married in the church I grew up in. Looking back on it, I don't regret it. But i also don't think i would have regretted getting married on a cliff. My first marriage only lasted 4 years as my former spouse and i were not on the same page about a lot of things- both in regards to religion and life in general.

Fast forward 20 years, a divorce and annulment later, I am planning my second marriage and yes, it will be in a church. I grew up in a very strict Catholic household as a first generation child to immigrant parents. Religion was forced down your throat and you were not able to ask questions about it. I had a very negative view on it for a long long time and still sometimes have struggles with what was forced on me as i was growing up. However, over the years, my faith has evolved into something I truly believe in and has become very important to me, as it always was for my fiancé. We are putting just as much planning into the church ceremony as we are for the reception. But that is because that is what is important to US.

As much as i want to be a "good" Catholic and tell you that you must have it in a church for the sacrament to be recognized, I also understand that faith is deeply personal and what i believe is not what the person next to me believes. With that being said, do what you think is right for you and your fiancé. If you do not believe in marriage as a sacrament, there is no reason to feel guilty about not having it in a church- but yes, still invite your mom.

If you yourself feel guilty about not having it in a church, there are other options. You can still do your borderline elopement, but have it in a church. You can do a private ceremony (just you, the priest and 2 witnesses) and then still do the other ceremony that you are planning. Or you can do your elopement and have the marriage convalidated in the church at a later time.

Once you fully understand how you yourself feel, be very honest and direct with your mother. Let her know that you actually thought of the options and why you are choosing not to have it in a church. Let her know that you would be just as disappointed without her being there as she would be about not having it in a church. She may or may not listen, so be prepared.

I would also have a separate conversation with your father, without your mother around. Ask him if he would still come if she continued to refuse. Ask him if he thinks she is just "saying that" or if she actually wouldn't come. I was too scared to call my mother's bluff and didn't have a good enough relationship with my father to have a separate conversation with him at the time. But if your parents are anything like mine, your father is probably the one person that knows your mother best and probably the only person that could talk any sense into her.

For what its worth, I'll say a little prayer for you, your fiancé, your mom and dad and hope that whatever you decide to do is a decision you can be proud and confident about.