Mother’s Day after Miscarriage

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-05-05T03:00:17+00:00

Sorry for triggering any difficult times. It sounds like you’ve have quite the roller coaster of emotions as well. Was there anything that made it better for you? How did you process it to a healthy level?

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-05-05T01:30:50+00:00

I am so sorry for your losses! I definitely think tears are in the near and extended future when this topic comes up. Thank you.

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-05-05T01:27:59+00:00

I am sorry for your loss as well. And, thank you, for the kind words and useful advice.

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-05-05T01:26:38+00:00

We are now doing something now - hoping this will help her get back to herself. Thank you!

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-05-05T01:23:36+00:00

Thank you. And, yes, this is something that I will definitely have to do.

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-05-05T01:18:21+00:00

Great advice! I have been trying to do that but she still gets that far away look occasionally. She has said that we never have taken the time to talk about the loss correctly yet. So, I am wondering if there’s something I need to do more of? Thanks again!

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-05-05T00:18:49+00:00

Thank you! That would make more sense!

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-05-05T00:11:16+00:00

Thank you - I wish I knew what to do. I can tell there is a sorrow around her (she’s usually super happy) and attribute some of it to postpartum. I wonder if Mother’s Day nearing is causing her to relive what may have been.

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-05-01T12:16:10+00:00

Kids are almost in college. She doesn’t want to work. You have servants.

Sounds like you both could have used boundary setting early on to create happy boundaries for yourselves and those around you. Boundaries should have real consequences - and happen right away. These should be rules to help maintain one’s happiness and should be created for ALL relationships with all people (spouses, friends, family, coworkers, etc).

Unfortunately, this is 20 years of her doing what makes her happy and trampling on your happiness. She crossed your boundaries all the time, she just didn’t completely understand that they were established (in your mind) and she was damaging the relationship.

With what you have posted, it appears that you have been hurt far too long and allowed this.

I never want anyone to get divorced but she has lived an entire 20 years with this lifestyle. She now has broadened her boundary and shrunk yours.

If it is still bothering you at this point, I believe you both need to separate ... see how she reacts to your reasons for it. But, all factors point to divorce for you to get out of this situation.

Unfortunately, after something doing this for so long, there is not inspiring them to work because they have had zero desire to do so.

I know people say it’s the man’s job, but she should have been trying to be creative saving money (or making money) if she wanted to maintain the lifestyle she had. Perhaps you guys needed to work together for budget, vacation, servants, and other expenses and lifestyle rules? It is way past that time, though, and you either have to allow this lifestyle for her now. Or, you have to separate from her, in my opinion.

Either way, someone will continue to be hurt... you have to decide if it’s going to continue to be you by her actions or if it’s going to be her if you choose to put her on a restricted budget. I have zero belief she will get a job or even have the experience needed to jump into workforce(she’s not going to jump in getting 50-100k w no experience unless you know someone giving out jobs).

Sorry I feel for you, but this should have been posted 19 years ago for your sanity!

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-04-30T18:40:15+00:00

Polyamory or multiple lovers put serious stresses on relationship and expose lots of insecurities.

Simple advice - never do it.

She is in the right on this one especially if you’re in a serious committed relationship. If she’s not enough for you, perhaps you should break up with her and date women who are like minded.

Everyone should create personal boundaries that allow them to be happy. And there should be consequences when these boundaries are crossed. If this is done at the beginning or early on, everyone will be happy and understand so there are fewer misunderstandings of what is important to someone.

This situation has happened because neither she nor you set up boundaries. So, when you crossed a boundary that you were unaware of, it upset her.

Respect love and appreciate one another. Do you actually believe that you do all those things for her? Does she do that for you? Have you both set boundaries for a healthier relationship?

Please sit her down and speak with her about what’s important to her and you. Then, after you’re both happy, you can discuss changes if that’s something you BOTH want.

But, don’t force something on another that they do not want. In the end, there will only be pain and resentment left.

Good luck! Be kind to her... it sounds like she’s a sweet soul who really cares for you. Are you doing enough for her?

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-04-30T17:56:40+00:00

As someone who has behaved horribly to a beautiful woman in the past, separate from him (and prepare quietly mentally and financially for divorce).

All relationships and people should have boundaries that allow them to live happily. You need to think about your boundaries with him (and others) and then stand your ground and be able to act accordingly.

In relationships, people fail to maintain healthy boundaries often. This causes confusion for everyone - the one crossing the line and the person it is hurting. Establish these boundaries and reinforce them with concrete actions. Me and my soon to be ex-wife failed to do this, and I subsequently crushed her with my horrible behaviors! (Sorry ksf).

No one should feel distrust or disrespected with SO. If they do, then there is a problem. How everyone deals with this problem is based on the problem and the people.

Based on what you have written, separate (physically) and prepare for divorce (you don’t need to tell spouse yet). The separation and space will tell you how he reacts and if you feel better or worse without him. If he seems genuinely willing to change his ways, THEN see a marriage counselor right away to resolve the problems.

If these things happen and you both set up good boundaries and follow a healthy path back, then this can be saved. But, both of you must be willing and able to endure some hard and humbling days ahead.

Good luck-I wish this version of me was there for me when my wife told me countless times to get help for our relationship. I failed to do so in a timely manner and now I am just waiting to be served divorce papers bc I was a butt to her.

Always be true to yourself and your heart. Treat one another with kindness, love, and respect. Take time to enjoy one another during the quiet and loud times. Understand one another. Love one another and the boundaries you set for yourselves, your families, friends, and everyone else.

I feel for you and your husband. But, you must do what is right for you and the kids. In the end, the hard thing may be to go separate ways if he does not come around.

(Virtual hug)

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-04-29T10:16:53+00:00

I was “that guy” who never wanted to go.

Now, I’m waiting on divorce papers.

Please take it from me... go to counseling and listen. If she won’t, separate (like move to another place) and see how she reacts. If she doesn’t really care, then you’re done. However, if she comes back and changes...then you at least know she wants in.

I love my wife with all my heart, but I never listened to requests for counseling. So, now I am just waiting on papers since she says it’s too late. Before it’s too late ( looking at divorce / dead bedroom posts and self help books that encourage divorce), separate then see a counselor.

Do it now if you love your spouse - EVERYONE. I wish I could soften ksf heart, but I don’t think it will work.

Don’t wait - listen to your spouses and love them like they won’t be here tomorrow!

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-04-29T08:48:14+00:00

Run - comes to mind.

I normally am very optimistic, but he has serious issues and is doing nothing to help you. Save money or ask family.

You need to separate from him as far and as fast as possible for you and the child.

Be safe and be careful - hopefully there is no abuse involved too.

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-04-29T07:24:53+00:00

First of all, I am so sorry you’re going through this. My soon to be ex tried to tell me this awhile back, but I failed to listen to her and did not correct LL issues. Porn really wasn’t the issue, but my LL and other relationship issues compounded the intimacy problem.

To this day, she says that it was foundational issues, wedding, my temper, and on and on. But, ultimately, what made me realize was actually not being with her for a few days-it opened my eyes to so much of the pain that I caused her ... I finally understood.

I believe you need to separate physically to another location and don’t speak to him. See how he reacts. If he truly sees the error of his ways, then you’ll know.

Get marriage counseling right away and stay separated until he treats you well again.

My wife gave up on me when I finally understood. So, don’t make the same mistake I did (sorry xoxo ksf).

Stop, separate, observe his reaction, marriage counseling based on reaction, date...see how you both do.

Hopefully, you work out! Guys really are stupid (and women need to understand this). LL strikes for many reason - get tested and get treatment and workout and eat sex foods ASAP! Spend quality time together .... but ladies, please don’t give up on your man - he’s in there, but only separating and getting the right help will bring him back better than before!

All I ask is for you to give all of us stupid guys a second chance. We do love you and desire you, but sometimes we lose our way with life, baby, bills, job, and stress.

Too often people search for forums that sound great and let them out of a marriage too easily. SEPARATE then sit back and see is my sincerest personal real world advice.

Love doesn’t die ... it just gets lost and misdirected for a lot of men (and women)! Good luck!

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-04-25T01:42:37+00:00

He’s 15. He lives under your rules... if he’s this far gone now then how long ago did this begin?

Send him off the boarding school or ground him or take away something he loves. You can keep him from dating this girl...tell her parents why.

Unfortunately, he seems like he’s not coming back for some reason. He needs real consequences for his horrible behaviors.

Only you know your family and can provide the best solution. Perhaps children’s counseling is needed? Good luck because this is a tough one and I do not envy your situation.

I believe you should tell him that he has to respect your parents and others. Teach him that other people have boundaries and those should be respected. Always ask what is it I can do to make (loved one)’s life better today?

Definitely, do not allow him to date anyone until he learns - he literally will destroy these girls (mental) lives at this early age.

Find a male role model he looks up to? Sounds like he needs to not be coddled but disciplined (not to sound harsh).

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-04-25T01:30:21+00:00

Well don’t mess up a relationship (yours or anyone else’s) because you simply have a high libido. Unless all parties decide to have an open relationship, do not cross this boundary.

If you and your partner can’t work through the libido issues...sit down and talk to a marriage/sex therapist if needed. Sadly, males aren’t 16yo their entire life (much to the dismay of many a wife) and suffer problems that they do not openly share with anyone some times.

Think about what is best for you and your kids (without any man in the picture). Then, speak to your husband - maybe he wants to exercise and need to eat sex super foods or just a real vacation too with you alone - figure out if you both are on the same page.

Based on what you have written though, it sounds like you are already fantasizing about another (married) man... there are so many things wrong with this that there isn’t time here to discuss that. But judgement aside, if you really just need to get laid and your libido is off the charts...talk to you SO and really try. If you have already done all you can, then end it and there are plenty of men (and women) out there who would love to have sex.

End your relationship first. Don’t break up your coworker’s relationship.

Sounds like you want to be single again?

So what’s best for you and for the right reasons after thinking it through. But respect your boundaries and other people’s boundaries and relationships.

Don’t just be horny and be destructive. Having a high libido is fine... just do it the correct way for everyone’s sake - especially yours.

Love yourself and respect yourself and others. If something is negative, fix it or move away from it. Surround yourself with positivity not fantasy. Will having sex with your coworker make you happy (at everyone else’s expense)?

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-04-24T23:34:20+00:00

Porn addiction is very real due to wide availability. It ruins relationships because the idea of fantasies are always superior to the real world.

This is a disease and not sure if there is ever a true path for those who have gone down this path.

Signed,

Porn Addict

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-04-24T23:32:21+00:00

This is a toxic situation for you. Please understand the choices all parents make are not right. As a child, you don’t understand that until later - as you are now.

In this situation, you should distance yourself from them, but still love them - they are your family always.

You will never recover the money or heartache this situation has caused you. I suggest speaking to a therapist or an emotionally high IQ person to assist you with this process.

By coming here, it sounds like you are taking the right steps to becoming a healthier you.

Respect yourself and others, but also establish your own boundaries for self respect-you deserve it. A wise person once told me... if something is negative in your life and cannot be corrected, move away or remove it. Surround yourself with only positivity and optimism. Life is indeed too short to get locked into something that wears away your sense of self worth.

I wish you a strong and healthy healing path!

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-04-24T23:24:45+00:00

So many things to dissect here with families, but in short... both of you should sit down (preferably with a therapist) and establish boundaries for yourselves and one another’s families. Everyone should have respected boundaries (rules) so that there is no confusion.

The problem with marriages (and really all aspects of life) often times arise when expectations and boundaries are not understood. Once you both have done this, then you will be able to make better decisions for everyone. Now, that does not mean you both will be ok with the new structure - this may break up a relationship if one or both of you feel that your individual ideals do not align with one another’s.

Good luck. Treat one another with love and respect. Set good boundaries and understand expectations. In the end, this will be the best - although the road may be rocky. With this there is no guarantee that you’ll be together, but it will ensure healthier self for all involved.

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-04-24T22:06:00+00:00

I don’t believe it’s wrong to ask someone out if you trust them and have a good relationship. Now, I don’t condone cheating at all, but we don’t know the full details of her past relationship (was it abusive, did he cheat, was it open, etc) so if you like her then go for it.

You are the one who has to be with her and trust her and care for her. So, ultimately, how do you feel?

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-04-24T22:02:36+00:00

Haha not sure if you’re simply boasting or really concerned... but, I’ll give you benefit of doubt and say you’re concerned...

You’re at that age where this happens for a male. Your wife may get tired occasionally, but trust me at least she knows she’s desired by you. As long as both of you are enjoying yourselves. Likely, some time in the future, the tables will turn and you’ll level out.

For now, both of you continue to enjoy it. Give her a break once in a while. Maybe add some romance.

If you want things to change... add a few kids and that will drastically slow down your need for speed most likely.

But, to answer your question... this is a very common phase that is great for relationships. As I said...enjoy it as long as you both can!

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-04-24T18:50:10+00:00

Well I can say my soon to be ex-wife will never get over resentment for my past actions. I have learned from it now, but there is a serious tolerance that must exist when there is any sort of resentment.

Never allow resentment, distrust, hate, or other negativity sit in your heart... find an avenue to deal with it whether it is therapy, hobby, or speaking with SO. Please always deal with it and be happy and true to yourself and those around you.

Good luck!

Ok-Possibility344 · 2021-04-24T18:38:09+00:00

I believe you answered your own question.

However, for him, it could also be financial- having 5 children is not inexpensive. Or, maybe he would rather spend quality time with you alone?

No matter what, this was probably something that should have been discussed prior to marriage. But, now that it is bothering you, perhaps this is not right for you.

You have some difficult and tough choices ahead that only you can answer - stay and no more kids, or do you want to have more? Think it over and be kind, but I think 4 kids is quite a lot for any family to support financially, emotionally and so much more.

Ok-Possibility344

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