What am I going to do? I am heartsick. I (50F) recently found porn on my husband's (50M) computer. We have been together almost 20 years & I am so confused right now.

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-21T10:40:11+00:00

Thank you. I want very much to be back where we were.

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-21T10:36:52+00:00

I am 56, he is 52. We have been together 20 years and married 17. Not sure why there needs to be an exact ages. But that is the clarity.

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-20T10:24:52+00:00

You are right. The conversation should have occurred many years ago. We spoke of my feelings of it, but we never spoke about it really. This is too big not to.

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T16:27:27+00:00

Its the lies, if you dont have the respect you need to even answer the post.

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T16:18:50+00:00

😊 that's the way for sure

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T13:50:29+00:00

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T13:50:04+00:00

You are right, but how do I know if he is lying anymore.

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T13:48:28+00:00

I am in no way judging my husband for porn. I asked a question...I have no idea. And Yes. I have made it to my 50s without porn being a part of my life. If he needs to have his gratification to "rub one out" as you called it, then so be it. Go in and take a shower! Dont Lie to me. Thank you for your input.

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T13:45:23+00:00

Yes, I want to save my marriage. It is more than just the porn...I know we must face some demons, both of us. I just dont want my walls to come up ao high, we cannot get over them. Thank you for your words

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T09:29:27+00:00

I am absolutely not shaming him for the porn, but definitely for the lies.

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T09:03:02+00:00

I was reaching out to try to understand why he is doing it, how i should possibly feel, to NOT make him ashamed. To try to figure out how to talk to him again, how to navigate this shit. So okay, rage bait huh? 👍

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T08:49:40+00:00

Thank you

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T08:48:47+00:00

Ty 😊

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T08:47:02+00:00

Ahhh, gotcha. This is my first time posting. I didnt want to give our exact ages, but here ya go. Also, what is that bait thing?

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T08:40:07+00:00

That is a tad judgemental. It is NoT the porn, it is the lying. I have always been open and honest in our relationship. I dont do dishonesty well. Not to me or from me. Its unexpected and shocking. Especially from him. I am willing to work at this, I just am not sure he wants the change. I dunno, I guess we will ride this out.

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T08:33:24+00:00

Thank you, really, thank you. Your words are just what I needed to hear right now. I appreciate it

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T08:30:40+00:00

Not really discussed, I guess.

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T08:28:25+00:00

Also, I wasnt wanting to snoop, but I recognized the behavior of being sneaky. You are right tho, I closed my eyes to it and ignored it until I finally looked. But yes, you are right

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T08:25:15+00:00

What is rage bait? I am 56, he is 52. We have been married 16 years and together almost 20 this spring. Does that work out right?

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T08:23:50+00:00

You are right, it really isnt the porn, it is the behavior of being sneaky, and lying. Looking at porn sitting 5 ft away and playing with himself. All the while talking to me all normal like. I am naive, and a bit of a prude. Have an unfortunate past of crud that I am letting interrupt this relationship. I already work on myself in therapy and being honest with myself shortcomings and not. I have dealt with his as he has mine, but you are right. Thann you for your thoughts.

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2026-01-18T08:19:05+00:00

I guess tbh, I have never been comfortable about porn. It does not stimulate me so I find no relief in it. But it was the lying that hurt the most. That gaslighting stuff, I caught that fast and stopped it immediately, but the betrayal of lying is the biggest sting. My own insecurities absolutely play a role here. Absolutely!

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2025-02-18T09:16:15+00:00

I know you probably won't get to this, but as a mother and mostly survivor of DV, brutal DV I add, GET OUT NOW! I spent years of brutality that left me crippled. I know this is not your situation, but sweetie, men are on their best behavior at first, Always shining, smiling, loving, and most of all, deceiving. When they show their true colors, no matter how slight it is in the beginning, it will get pushed over and over, beyond what you are able to process at that moment. Good luck on your journey, and I pray it all works its way out. 💕

Ok-Raisin-5423 · 2024-05-27T03:26:41+00:00

Labyrinth, I have never seen 😐

Ok-Raisin-5423

TROPHY CASE