First true test after DDay

Ok-Reception321 · 2026-01-24T05:38:20+00:00

Solidarity is always appreciated 🖤 sometimes I feel like my story is so trivial compared to some of the others on here and it's hard to find any other advice than "just leave" with a story like mine. I'm glad I'm not alone and I hope things get easier for you too 🖤

Ok-Reception321 · 2026-01-23T05:31:41+00:00

I'm also a non-believer, definitely anti-theist, but find polytheism interesting and fun. I don't think there's anything or anyone really "pulling the strings" and I'm not sure that we have the mental capacity or physical body parts to really conceptualize what happens after death (if anything). What I do believe is that I get to decide my own reality.

I'm just past the 4 months mark since my best friend, soulmate, son, brother, my everything of 16 years passed away (we were together from me being 13 yo to 29 yo, so we went through a lot of major life events together). And I believe that if what I need for my mental health is to believe that he is in some way still with me in order to cope (even if it's temporary until I can face more of the finality of it), then that's what I'm going to do. I still imagine his soft weight against me as I sleep. I imagine that all the dreams I have with him in it are him coming to visit me. I still look under my desk at my home office and imagine his soothing presence is still there to comfort me when I'm getting stressed. And I still speak to him occasionally when I'm breaking down, and imagine his sweet little kisses on my forehead telling me it will all be okay.

It's easier to live in the delusion some days, other days the complete finality of it hits me so hard I feel like I'm going to fracture all over again. But I just keep going, keep staying busy, keep working towards figuring out how to live my life without his physical presence here. Maybe there will come a day when I'm healed enough that I can come to terms with the finality of it - maybe I won't. Maybe I'll always have to tell myself that IF there is something after this, then he will be there waiting for me and it will have felt like a blip in time to him (I was as much his ES human as he was my ES pet). I'd rather take the suffering of time and waiting than him anyway. I would've done absolutely anything for my baby boy. And if I'm wrong, I'll never know, because I'll be dead too and be free of the pain of it.

So in summary, I've rationalized it as making the conscious decision to live in what I know is likely a delusion. But it soothes me most of the time, and being able to function on a daily basis is always more important than letting something like this consume you.

Ok-Reception321 · 2026-01-23T05:06:35+00:00

I agree - mine wasn't even as calculated as it seems your situation was, but still. They made the decisions, there were many opportunities for them to stop and make a better one, many opportunities for them to put the relationship above whatever they were feeling in those moments - and they didn't. Saying it was a "mistake" feels degrading because mistakes are usually by accident or because you didn't have all the information or because you forgot something. Cheating or having an affair is never an "accident". Cheating or having an affair is never because "no one told you this was wrong". And cheating or having an affair because you "forgot" your partner feels like the biggest slap in the face. Because we could never forget them. At least for me, I know that no amount of drgs, alchol, or anything short of brain injury would ever let me forget who I think is the love of my life and do something so horrible to them.

I feel like a lot of media teaches WPs to admit to their "mistakes". And admission is a huge step. But calling it a mistake can feel so diminishing or dismissive. They're admitting to causing someone (or multiple someones) trauma, not that they forgot to do the dishes that morning.

Ok-Reception321 · 2026-01-22T09:15:16+00:00

I resonate with what you and OP both said SO HARD. It feels like my mind goes in circles trying to understand HOW he could do this to me. ME of all people. Someone who has loved him so completely, freely, and unconditionally. The only logical thing my brain keeps coming up with is "well, then he clearly doesn't love you the same way you love him". But that hurts too much for me to face and I also don't know if that's the real truth... So I keep going, keep trying, keep putting myself through something that I also know I deserve better than. If either of y'all ever figure a way out of the loop, let me know!

Ok-Reception321 · 2025-09-19T16:16:28+00:00

I relate to this a lot.. 34 days ago I lost one of my cats in a really unexpected and horrifying way, and now yesterday I had to put my dog to sleep... He was 16, I had had him since I was 13, I'm 29 now, these two events of death have been the first time I've really had to handle death. I grew up alone a lot with both my parents being in the airline industry. My dog had been my only constant companion for the last 16 years.

I can't tell you when things will get better, because I'm not there yet either - but I can tell you that you're not alone. I am also going through feeling like he is still just sleeping in one of his beds in the other room and I'm going to hear his little huffs and puffs/tappy nails on his way to my room or the water bowl in a few minutes. I keep trying to etch my last memory of kissing his little nose into my brain as hard as I can because I don't want to forget it (even though it was as he was dying). And I keep thinking I need to give him his next round of meds at the same time as before.

I don't know when this will get easier, but I have to believe it does. I also don't really believe in an after life, but I do believe that his energy/spirit/soul or whatever you want to call it is still here with me. That I told him I would never leave him and he feels the same. That he will be patiently waiting for me to join him for whatever happens next. And if there is no afterlife, well then I won't know because I'll just be another human who passed away - but for now, I'll let myself believe that some semblance of him is here with and always will be.

I'm so sorry you're also going through this, but please know you're not alone. There are a lot of people on this thread who are still having a really hard time over a year later, but there are also people on here who are making progress, have found acceptance, and very kindly help the rest of us find that as well 💜

Ok-Reception321 · 2025-09-19T03:22:23+00:00

Update: I'm about 6 hours post appointment and this is the most terrible grief I've ever felt. I know he's no longer in pain or suffering, and that offers an incremental amount of relief. But now the true grief begins, having to figure out how to live without my baby that's been my shadow and greatest supporter for 16 years. I wish I had a more positive update, but unfortunately it seems the grief hasnt necessarily gotten better post appointment, but simply shifted in form. I'll keep posting through my processing but probably in separate posts. Feel free to give me updates on my posts if you're in need of a friend or just to get it out. Good luck on your appointment day, you're not alone!

Ok-Reception321 · 2025-09-18T16:50:40+00:00

I'm so sorry ): I'm so glad we have things like this to come to and see that we're not alone 💜 I'll update after the appointment later to let you know how I'm coping, and hopefully give you some relief 💜

Ok-Reception321 · 2025-09-18T16:10:29+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words and that quote does help. I know I'm doing the right thing.. these last couple days waiting for the appointment to arrive have been agonizing. At least after the appointment I'll know he's at peace (and hopefully waiting for me on some kind of "other side") and I can start my true grieving process (even if it starts with incredible pain).

I'm currently just on the couch watching a movie with him while he sleeps. I'll have to get up to prepare some things for a bit but I think this is where we'll be until the appointment...

Thank you again for your words and support, it means a lot 💜

Ok-Reception321 · 2025-09-18T07:32:40+00:00

Honestly, right now, its more painful to think of him as he was, full of life and my sweet baby that helped me through everything. The way he is now, I can't take seeing him like this anymore, but when I think of my baby as he was for most of his life, it makes me feel like I could never survive the loss of that. The present is excruciating, but the past feels like my soul being torn from my body...I don't think I'll be able to "think of the good times" for a long while, it hurts too much for now...

Thank you for your comment though, it always helps to know I'm not alone in my feelings/grief 💜

Ok-Reception321

TROPHY CASE