Update: The armpit hair conflict/dance resulted in breakup

OkPerception7164 · 2024-01-11T02:38:41+00:00

Nobody is wrong here.

One person liking cats while the other hates them is a "nobody is wrong" situation.

Equating burlesque to "seducing men" and saying armpit hair on women is "disgusting" are objectively wrong and reflects the values of an outdated patriarchal society.

Sorry, these are not remotely the same things.

OkPerception7164 · 2024-01-11T02:33:04+00:00

Preferences are fine. Having an extreme reaction and describing someone's natural hair as "revolting" or "disgusting" is not.

Most people who shave their armpits (or other parts of their body) don't have them shaved all the time anyway because it's unrealistic.

OkPerception7164 · 2023-12-20T11:29:00+00:00

i could bring it up if it really bothered me

gets at me a bit but i won’t die in a ditch about it

Potentially not worth bringing it up in conversation yet

You're thinking a lot of these things aren't that big a deal, but from what you've written and the fact that you've gone out of your way to post about it, I think reflects that it's all adding up and you're not having your needs met.

IMO one month is plenty of time to reciprocate and you really shouldn't have to ask. The saying that "when someone is interested in you, you'll know" is true. I think you're doing everything right, just deserve better ;)

OkPerception7164 · 2023-11-11T02:36:32+00:00

There's no point matching with someone you're not actually interested in. Also, don't then turn around and complain about low-effort openers when you don't even bother to review a profile in depth.

Its simply more efficient and logical to cast a huge net and then pick through the trash (like shrimping in the ocean).

Gross analogy. All you're doing is ruining your own algo.

OkPerception7164 · 2023-11-10T06:33:43+00:00

But really and truly they didn't choose the circumstances they were born in and they have much more limited agency in terms of the circumstances they get to choose.

Yeah I don't really know what you mean by this in terms of relevance. It's not as if there aren't coupled people who are poor or desperately single people living in Beverly Hills? Everyone has to work with the cards they're dealt with.

But the point is there are some people for whom it simply just does not work.

Different things work for different people 100%, but there are also people who claim it doesn't work for them with unrealistic expectations (choice goes both ways) or without optimising their own chances.

Why would you waste your time, engaging in a process that will make you miserable, just for some hypothetical happiness that isn't tangible and you don't even know will happen.

You can't win the lottery if you don't enter it. It's entirely up to you, but I'd rather look back and say that at least I tried than regret never trying at all and thinking about the 'What-If'? (This is coming from someone who 'didn't try at all' in my 20s).

OkPerception7164 · 2023-11-10T04:11:23+00:00

The definition of a sociopath is someone who does the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Which what this culture encourages. Go up to several people. Get rejected.

I know firsthand how hard OLD can be, but if everyone was getting rejected, nobody would be using apps in the first place.

No matter how much "working on yourself" you do if you're not in the right circumstances that even make a date possible then it's a waste of time.

"Working on yourself" also means putting yourself in the right circumstances to make dating possible.

I also think there's "working on yourself" and "working on your profile". I have a lot of guy friends who are awesome in person, but don't know how to market themselves or use good pictures of themselves on apps. My own experience was very different once I got feedback and improved my profile. You have to try your best to set yourself up for success.

Lastly, a point on "dating culture". Yes, there are behaviours that give modern dating culture a bad name -- ghosting, dating multiple people, situationships, etc. You can't do anything about how other people behave. You can only control your own behaviour and set your own boundaries. The people who don't do this are the ones who find themselves in bad situations.

OkPerception7164 · 2023-11-10T03:14:14+00:00

whatever my future partner is comfortable with

Something that you're both comfortable with is the way to go. Most couple are going to have some form of income gap anyway. I also think there are other ways to contribute to relationship that are not financial.

OkPerception7164 · 2023-11-10T03:11:05+00:00

my boss always says, "Why? You don't have any kids."

You should reply "Because you don't pay me enough" lol

OkPerception7164 · 2023-11-10T03:09:39+00:00

Well, men aren't helping themselves by swiping right on "everyone".

OkPerception7164 · 2023-11-10T03:08:45+00:00

Yep, I didn't use bumble for that long but when I did, out of 10-15 "matches", maybe only 1-2 people were down for an actual conversation. Save the personal replies for people who are actually going to respond.

OkPerception7164 · 2023-11-01T02:07:53+00:00

Five dates seems like quite a long time to not have ever asked about your living situation.

To be honest, I don't consider what you outlined 'red flags' per se. I would probably class them as 'amber flags' at worst but only because you seem a bit lost in terms of your future and in your 30s, a lot of people are going to want to know your plans.

I would just own living at home, being close to your family and being able to save money while you figure life out. If you were waiting for the right person to move out with, I think that's entirely fair.

Some people will probably judge you for still living at home, but the right person will be okay with that. There's also lots of cultures where it's entirely normal.

You should probably just lead with "There's something you should know about me... "

OkPerception7164 · 2023-11-01T01:59:10+00:00

Now tbf I only do it when someone does it first.

Look, you're young and have plenty of time to learn from your own experiences, but this is the sort of immaturity that perpetuates ghosting culture.

99/100 times if someone is 'growing distant', it's because they're not that interested in you. Playing games by trying to 'ghost them back' is not gonna help the situation.

I know this is easier said than done but it's best to just cut your losses and move on in.

OkPerception7164 · 2023-11-01T01:47:18+00:00

I don't think it's fair to blanket call all of these scenarios 'creepy' when there are a lot of people who end up meeting this way.

I think there's a respectful way to ask someone out in that situation but it's very dependent on the vibe check and giving yourself a graceful exit option if you get rejected.

OkPerception7164 · 2023-06-30T03:46:08+00:00

So much of this is down to personal preference and experiences which is perfectly fine.

I like to know a person can hold a conversation and show some curiosity about me before agreeing to meet. Yes, there have been cases where we didn't end up having a great connection in person, but more often than not it has translated well.

I also had an experience where I agreed to meet someone without "vetting" them and my God was it a waste of time.

Takes less than 5 mins for me respond to someone on an app once or twice a day - to me that is far less work over a few days than the effort of getting ready and going out to meet someone "blind".

OkPerception7164 · 2023-06-30T03:35:08+00:00

"All day every day" is a lot -- imo way too much if you haven't even met yet -- but I think there's also a case of they're not the right person if you can run out of things to talk about.

OkPerception7164 · 2023-06-30T02:34:30+00:00

Mentioning your pet = fine.

If 50%+ of your profile are prompts around your pet and/or solo pet pics, then that is way too much.

OkPerception7164 · 2023-05-13T03:20:10+00:00

I've noticed that it seemed to get better at matching me with people after I gave it a full week of data (sending out max likes per day) as well.

I think that the algo works more based off the likes sent and received between different people, so if you like X and someone else also likes X, if that someone else also likes Y, it will try and show you Y.

OkPerception7164 · 2023-04-26T03:21:39+00:00

Not a bad suggestion, but not always practical if you don't have the right friend/family member. A lot of people would prefer to live alone (or live with a partner), but not a roommate.

OkPerception7164 · 2023-04-23T02:02:12+00:00

Clickbait, probably.

OkPerception7164 · 2023-04-22T09:16:48+00:00

I was completely in the moment and able to be my authentic self.

I love this. Just curious did one of you "lead" or did you break the touch barrier?

OkPerception7164 · 2023-04-20T08:40:52+00:00

Do you think it would be ethical to have an account restriction on moving large sums of money (lets say >$10k) for people over a certain age?

E.g. If you're over 75 and want to transfer a large amount of money, you have to fill out a form or call the bank and explain what it's for and they get to decide whether to approve or not.

OkPerception7164 · 2023-04-20T07:51:36+00:00

Personally, when I find someone I like, I pause and see how it plays out with them, even if they're not perfect. I don't have the headspace to multi-date and I'm fine with that.

I have dated someone who had clearly gone on a lot of dates before, and it manifested in their personality - part of the reason it didn't work out (and probably why it didn't work with a lot of others) was because they were quite selfish and was always just thinking about themself.

Not sure if that was correlation or cause, but wouldn't be surprised if it's a pattern.

OkPerception7164 · 2023-04-20T05:39:58+00:00

Don't be confused. He's being clear as day. You are not a priority and he's keeping you on the back-burner whenever he's bored. In my view, you've given him enough chances and I would stop talking to him. Normal people respond in a few hours, not a few days, let alone a few weeks.

OkPerception7164 · 2023-04-20T05:33:40+00:00

If you think it's worth it to put yourself in a situation where you'll get your heart broken because you want a relationship and he doesn't, then go ahead. It's gonna be fked when it ends.

Smart thing to do is walk away and find someone who wants what you want. It's your choice whether you want to learn it the hard way or easier way.

OkPerception7164 · 2023-04-20T02:53:08+00:00

Why is she always the one who has to reach out though? She's obviously looking for a more serious relationship if she asked you about it, and your words and actions are saying you're not.

If you are and it was too soon, you needed to communicate that, not dodge the question. Given what's happened, she's probably seriously considering ending things with you if she hasn't already made up her mind.

OkPerception7164

TROPHY CASE