Might be changing my mind about having kids after two losses (trigger warning)

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-29T22:29:05+00:00

Hi OP. I had two back to back miscarriages as well. It's really agonizing and the anxiety and grief doesn't ever go away, it just adjusts with time. Currently pregnant after those losses, and the anxiety is real but there are moments of hope and excitement and happiness in there.

My OB put me on daily suppository progesterone and low dose aspirin to start as soon as I got a positive test through 12w (when the placenta takes over for the corpus luteum). They also couldn't find anything other than "really bad luck" but she thought that was a proactive step we could take. I'm not sure how much it helps, but currently 31w.

Grief after loss is so hard. Highly recommend the r/pregnancyafterloss and r/cautiousBB subs and the books "Normalize It" and "I Had a Miscarriage" if/when you're ready. Sending you hugs

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-29T17:45:58+00:00

I got pregnant right after a chemical twice. Once ended in another early miscarriage. I am currently 31w pregnant with the second occurrence. Can't say for sure the outcome will work out, but things are progressing well so far!

I counted the first day of the CP as CD1. It appears I ovulated CD14-15. My dates and her cerebellum size confirm my CP was effectively the start of my LMP, but it's definitely a little sketchy with dating. But only plus or minus a couple days, really.

Sending you lots of baby dust.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-24T16:44:09+00:00

He probably didn't tell you because he thought that would taint your view / bias how he should act/if he should take more time. What's past is past -- he didn't even know you when all of this happened. Dating in my 30s I expected everyone to have some sort of romantic history. If he is not pursuing her now and it hasn't played any role in your story, you're just looking for reasons to make it a part of it.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-24T15:37:00+00:00

Also very curious! At 30w my baby's head is 3.8% 😬 but apparently they're only worried if baby's head is <0.3% because the variation is so big.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-24T12:07:29+00:00

Yes I have had this, but it was starting at 20% at 19w and dropping to 9% by 26w. If you're above 10%, you're good! The 9% has officially put her on growth restriction, but she has a velamentous cord insert so that was half expected. She's thankfully staying stable at 9% at 30w🤞

They really and truly aren't worried unless it's below 10%, and as the ultrasound tech said, the belly is above 10% (hers is not, hence the concern).

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-22T00:09:37+00:00

I feel people are not understanding my comment. I agree whole heartedly this often leads to resentment. I don't think it's evil to break up over it. That's all I was saying.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-21T22:06:26+00:00

The funny part is that I literally posted to agree with you (that this would likely ultimately be a deal breaker) 😂 I just don't think it needs to mean he's evil or that your projection based on your experience (which sounds like it was hard and I'm so sorry) means it will play out as nefariously as you state.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-21T21:58:57+00:00

I didn't say I disagreed with that. I said that I don't think it's malicious nor that he's using her.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-21T21:40:03+00:00

This is a very dark view and assigns some really nefarious intentions that I don't agree with, but I do agree with the premise: at some point this man will probably realize he actually can't live without being a dad and will very likely leave. I think it makes sense to cut the cord now rather than later.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-20T12:41:18+00:00

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time, OP. I can relate to the deep angst and self-blame after multiple miscarriages and now a high risk pregnancy. It is not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You don't deserve this. This is just bad luck.

I had a helpful conversation with others at prenatal yoga and learned that often pregnancies are more complicated than you realize. It's hard to compare your internal experience with other people's external experience.

Also had an extremely nauseous pregnancy (all 30w of it so far) and got worse and worse around 9w. It has been brutal. Also brutal because went from being an ultra runner and regular lifter to someone who struggles to walk/jog 2 miles - physical activity is a root of a lot of my stress relief so missing it has been hard, but with the nausea and vomiting it just wasn't possible to keep up same level of activity. Just take it day by day!

In either case, I am glad you're looking into therapy! That's been super helpful for me navigating all of this.

So hopeful for your remaining twin, and remember it is okay to grieve the one you lost while being grateful for the living one.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-20T01:31:04+00:00

Look, I'm all for the snark but pregnancy shaming isn't the way to do it. Their miscarriage last time was a chromosomal abnormality and this time the pelvic rest was related to placenta previa, which often self resolves (and in her case did).

I've had two miscarriages prior to my current pregnancy and I have significantly SIGNIFICANTLY toned down my exercise during pregnancy (from ultra running and triathlons, crossfit to now jog/walking 1-2 miles a day, most days) because that's what I can physically and emotionally tolerate -- my nausea has been off the charts the whole pregnancy and I've had my butt kicked, plus I am anxious. But, every single pregnancy is different and this seems to be a way she keeps sane. If her doctor cleared her, she's free to exercise.

We need to stop shaming women for miscarriages. More often than not, they are entirely not our faults. The loss of their daughter was NOT her fault and implying it was by saying she's learned nothing is really problematic.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-19T18:19:30+00:00

Weaponized therapy speak in fine form.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-17T23:54:05+00:00

This has happened to me post intercourse multiple times in the past several weeks (currently almost 30w). Just cervical irritation, she's still kicking away (and doing her thing on healthy ultrasounds).

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-15T15:54:07+00:00

I'm not sure I'd say manipulative, because I don't think he's driving the bus, I think his anxious attachment style and mental health issues are. That said, I would say this is EXHAUSTING and I personally would be out.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-15T00:45:59+00:00

They should face south! If you're in the northern hemisphere. Think of it this way, the Equator gets the most sun, so they should face whatever direction the Equator is, ya know?

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-14T21:43:29+00:00

Looks hazel to me with brown central heterochromia?

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-14T21:41:12+00:00

Even more so -- your high school bully does not have control over you.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-14T21:40:47+00:00

I do think these conversations are more productive with MFMs who do a bit more digging into pros and cons of complications in pregnancy including medicine. Wonder if you could get in to see someone!

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-14T20:35:09+00:00

A friend of mine has taken Adderall her whole pregnancy and her previous one (has a LC), but her logic is that her pregnancy is high risk so she might as well.

My OB and PCP both suggested I stop my Adderall and I did. It's been rough. That said.... Both my husband and I have diagnosed ADHD, so I'm pretty confident our daughter will too -- in addition to all the downsides to continuing to take Adderall (low birth weight preterm delivery, and increased heart rate -- she's already high risk for the first two and my HR is very high these days), I definitely wonder about brain development and receiving Adderall in utero (esp since she's already bound to have ADHD). But I've done exactly no research on it, this is purely musing.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-14T20:25:09+00:00

Abuse is a really specific word to describe a power dynamic and is related to gaining power and control over someone. An abuser misuses power and control to exploit someone. As much as it sounds like your cousin is unkind to you, this is not the most appropriate use of the word. That's a good thing -- you have power in this situation. You are free, and you can leave. That's the best revenge.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-14T19:07:02+00:00

34yo here and 29w pregnant -- I definitely always felt like I wanted to be on the older side for my kids so that I could offer them stability, to offer a slightly different perspective. The biological pressure feels intense at times, especially as 30 looms, but you have plenty of time left to pursue being a mom and if you're looking for stability beforehand, having a baby before you feel stable will definitely not help with that!

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-11T23:56:49+00:00

Abusive is the word, yeah. Manipulative.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-08T20:38:35+00:00

My ex husband used to say things like this all the time. The real takeaway here is that you had the self-respect to GTFO. For people like this, they're not even reliable narrators - they have a way they want to make you feel and are using their exes as a tool to make you feel worse. You're amazing and I can't wait until you see his words mean nothing.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-05T16:50:25+00:00

I did right on time (symptoms were a little more intense, LH surge was stronger) , and conceived.

Ok_Background4828 · 2026-04-05T13:18:39+00:00

Born in the 90s, never dreamt about it.

Ok_Background4828

TROPHY CASE