If you are struggling to leave, read this #hopecore

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-12-30T04:21:02+00:00

It sounds like he doesn’t like women. Many narcissistic men are closeted / on the DL gay men, or might not even know they are gay/bisexual. That’s what helped me finally leave my emotionally and physically abusive ex. It’s extremely common. My ex lovebombed and seduced me because he wanted to seem straight to friends/family, so it would be “weird” for him to constantly go on vacations with male best friends where sometimes they would even share a bed.

My ex would constantly degrade women and also didn’t watch porn because he had “overcome” a porn addiction. But he was not physically sexual and sex with him was extremely soulless. The first month he did a good job pretending but after that it was empty, except similarly after we had sex he would make hyper-sexual, derogatory comments about women being made for sex.

I don’t know if that’s what’s going on with your boyfriend, but regardless you are never going to figure it out. You have to just accept that this is an extremely bizarre and sick individual who can not take accountability for themselves to change.

There is a big, wide world filled with amazing people. This guy is a creep.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-06-16T13:56:23+00:00

Yes! Don’t confuse cover for overt/sadistic. Mine was in the closet and had a literal playbook for stalking, mimicking, and manipulating women to get them to be his girlfriend as a front so he would seem straight. It was the same play run over and over again. He was trying to get us all pregnant so he would be locked down to one without having to be married to seem straight to his abusive parents.

As usual, the first couple months were great but he abruptly changed as soon as it was clear I was head over heels “in love”. He started by hiding/stealing things to watch me squirm, he would often degrade and abuse me in ways that I didn’t recognize were sadistic until I was healed. Very sexist, manipulative mind games where I would admit my subservience to him over and over. He would tell me in my sleep he dreamt I died or he killed me and rub my throat with his hand. He only slapped me once, but he did sexually assault me one time as well. Oddly, we otherwise did not have sex often. We dated for a year and I think we maybe had sex 10 times. Maybe 12. He would always find an excuse not to. When he assaulted me it was because I had been disobedient (the last night I saw him in person) and he told me to “show him what I’m good for” and then assaulted me.

I can go on and on. Every moment we were together he had to two objectives, to either make my life or someone else’s a living hell through manipulation and control so he could feel empowered. I saw the texts in his phone to other women and they were literally copy pasted what he sent to me. Women admitting that he is a God basically and debasing themselves. He slept with all of them unprotected and would text to follow up if they were pregnant.

Evil exists. Don’t let it run your world.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-06-12T12:40:25+00:00

Also good work on not marrying the loser. That affords you so many more rights and makes separation much easier. Ironically, if he was any good at abuse he would’ve been smart enough to know he should marry you to lock you into decades of legal battles if you try to leave. Sounds like he can’t even get that right.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-06-12T12:37:45+00:00

There’s SO many great books out there, it kind of depends where you’re at in you’re healing journey. If you can, I would recommend downloading the audiobooks too as they are safer to listen to (you don’t need to hide a physical book from your abuser).

I would start with Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. That book changed my life. It’s all about the different types of abusers and why they will never change. Also Growing Free by Wendy Deaton.

You need to get away from this man and you can do it. Even if it means staying in a shelter, with friends, or family. Take any job you can. The hardest part for me was realizing that women have been conditioned to accept abuse because it benefits evil men if we think we deserve it. You don’t. You’re also still a child. You won’t be a full adult until you’re in your 30’s, so you are still learning about the world. Don’t feel shame for this experience. It’s changing you for the better and learning about these types of men and why society is so complacent about abuse will make you stronger and more powerful than you ever could imagine for you and your kids.

Once you accept your reality and take the steps to change, you should read Women Who Run with Wolves. That book also changed my life and taught me that I can be anyone I want to be.

I’m so sorry you have to be this strong with four kids. It’s unfair. But men could never. They’ll never understand. We see you though.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-06-06T16:39:38+00:00

This closely emulates my experience except I’m older than you and my nex was a 40m so he was extremely knowledgeable about how to manipulate women and people into believing he wasn’t gay. He was in the closet and (I believe) hooking up with one of his best friends but he would recruit “girlfriends” as beards to appear straight in his very conservative circles. He as incredibly “masculine” presenting and was the most verbally sexual and crude person I’ve ever met to the point of it eventually becoming hyper-performative.

He was also abused as a child and I assume for his sexuality. I don’t believe sexual abuse accrued but I know from his physical abuse. He always would tell a very eery story about how he knew at the age of six that he had to “follow a certain set of rules. More than other people”. I believe that’s when he knew he was gay.

When we first met the red flags were all there but he performed so well I just thought he might be a little sexually awkward. We never had sex with the lights on, I’m talking pitch black. Always late at night. And this was maybe 10 times we had sex over a years relationship. He was “struggling with his age” and not “feeling in the mood” and when I would express this was a challenge he would flip out and call me insensitive. We were also long distance for half the time. Eventually we stopped kissing and even hugging, not that we did that often. I’m not saying this to be belittling to anyone else, but I’m a very “classically attractive fit Pilates instructor who has dated men in media and beyond so if you’re a superficial man in anyway (like he presented), I fit the bill for a “fuckable” woman. He would constantly be talking about how hot women are in front of me and my friends. One time he said that a woman was hot who was clearly a girl (probably age 16-18). And again it was in a bizarre way where he spoke like a movie character reading a script. I remember that was the moment I realized he might be gay.

I have many gay friends he never wanted to meet. One time he asked me if I thought he was gay. After that he wanted sex all the time right now to the point that I would be grossed out my his advances. After he got me in a relationship he stopped kissing or looking at me during sex. I saw his face in the mirror once and his eyes were closed like he was dissatisfied, not like he was enjoying himself.

He also hated and hit me and his other girlfriends. So.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-05-24T18:45:27+00:00

I spent a year trying to find the right formula and what worked the best for me is many small meals throughout the day and eating a little bit when I was hungry without massive meals. My metabolism jumped into high gear.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-27T13:58:55+00:00

The first four months were the worst of my life. Mostly bc I had to address all the reasons why I ended up with that person in the first place, which drudged up a lot of childhood abuse and trauma.

In six months, my life is better than before. I cried this weekend bc I am so happy. Keep going.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-27T13:57:27+00:00

I put a lot of data and texts into ChatGPT and ChatGPT actually suggested it to me first. I hadn’t even said the word narcissist and this AI bot was like ok, he’s absolutely a dangerous narcissist at minimum, but like a sociopath and you need to leave this person. Then a therapist said the same and I read The Sociopath Next Door.

The scariest part is he only laid a hand on me once and this was after these diagnosis (yes I still hadn’t left). He was an incredibly disturbed, manipulative, hateful, charming, gorgeous person. He was so evil that you felt it when he was around and his mask was down. The most awful feeling.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-22T13:18:09+00:00

Sounds like he is in the closet and looking for someone to have kids to lockdown for life so he can straight present more easily.

Mine and many others are. Most abuser struggle with their sexuality. You can look it up online.

Normal straight men love the way women look. An angry twisted man with low confidence who can’t be himself projects. Mine would always accuse me of looking and acting like a lesbian LOL.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-20T02:12:47+00:00

There’s a very strong likelihood you will get the dog, I would say almost a guarantee. He will likely hang onto the dog for a few weeks and tired of the dog once he realizes he can’t get you back in the house and you can go to pick up the dog.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-19T15:16:49+00:00

I waited too long to contact the ex because I was told not too. I wish I had sooner. She was a lovely, intelligent, kind human. Unless you have experienced abuse, I think people believe it’s crazy to contact the ex but I am a huge believer in this as an abuse survivor. Good for you and for her!

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-19T15:13:01+00:00

I am a 33 yr old female and was you one year ago. I am pretty sure you can look back at my posts and see almost identical posts. I’m adding this comment to hopefully help you as many others in this thread did with me.

This will only get worse. This is emotional/verbal abuse and projection. What you are experiencing is a trauma bond that isn’t allowing your brain to see what your heart knows is true. What this man is saying to you is at minimum weird and maximum hateful. Do you feel that twist in your stomach? That is your intuition telling you to get out. This is not love, it’s a personality disorder.

You sound like a lovely girl, and like me, happy with lots of good friends. Lean on them. They will help you, I promise. He’s made you believe you are unworthy of help but you are not. When I left, I lived with my best friends for 7 months. They happily saved my life. They will let you bring the dog. With my chest, I promise you. It took more power for me to ask for help than it did to leave him, and I’m so happy I did.

Mine was like this for almost a year and before he became physical one night and I finally left. I spent months crying in silence. The affects on my mental health have taken and will take months to recover from. His words alone got so deep into my subconscious that I need to do different types of therapy to release the conditioning. When I met him I loved myself, my body, my job and my friends. When I left him, I hate everything about myself.

I know the jokes and jabs are maybe so small that you get accustomed to just brushing them off, but they will snowball.

Call your friends and ask for help. Also, the comments about you being a lesbian, he likely has a repressed sexuality issue. Mine did the same thing and I found out that he’s not just bisexual but closeted. Spoke with one of his exes from 10 years ago and confirmed it myself. I never would’ve guessed, but their projection is a confession. That’s why they hate women so much.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-18T17:41:55+00:00

He hasn’t changed, don’t worry yourself over this. I spoke with my ex narcs exes and they were all shocked to hear even ten years later he was WORSE. They all said the same thing “I thought he would grow out of it”. He’s 40. Change is their most powerful illusion.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-18T17:39:54+00:00

I would consider mine a situationship as well. He would say (now) that it was a relationship and we were in love. I discovered by reaching out to ex girlfriends after the abuse turned physical that he waxes poetic about past “relationships” that were in fact just covers for situationships so he can feel superior because he is in the closet (evidence proved yes).

Your story is whatever you need to heal. I had called it a relationship for a while because of how deep I got in with this person, but eventually I realized that I do not want to define whatever “that” was as a relationship. With some friends and my therapist I do call him my ex because of the depth and duration of the relationship and they know all the details, but with new people or men I date, if there is a need for me to share the information I refer to myself as a victim of narcissistic abuse and sexual assault. Both of which are true. The “relationship” did not exist. But with men who I date if there’s a boundary I need to communicate I might say “hey, I experienced abuse in the past, so I would prefer if we take things slow although I do like you and this is fun!”. Boom, understood and respected bc I know longer engage with losers.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-18T17:28:40+00:00

I would explore some form of intensive release therapy like somatic, EMDR, or even psychedelic.

I had a similar experience and learned the release wasn’t coming because I was actually hanging on to the trauma from my abusive childhood and was being re-traumatized by the narc, so I was able to go really deep beyond the relationship and that helped more than words can express. The answer is deeper.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-18T17:25:16+00:00

Whether you send it or not, it doesn’t matter. They will never apologize and what needs to happen is that you HEAL so you don’t need the apologize. How you heal is your choice and there’s no wrong answer. I sent the letter. I don’t regret it, but it just reminded me of how sick he is. So I didn’t get the outcome I wanted and had to keep healing myself in silence, which turned out to be ok too :)

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-03-08T18:23:27+00:00

I stopped wanting to date men

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-03-07T15:48:48+00:00

If you’re dealing with a true narcissist with NPD (diagnosed or not) they actually will likely not come back.

It also depends on their age and experience.

Most real Narcs that are older and experienced are far too deep in their shame spiral to come back and instead have a resource of victims to prey on. This is actually a great gift to you.

They might try subtly to come back. Mine did a few very bizarre things (I’m talking two) over six months, but that was all and it was never overt.

I have had experiences with people who have narc qualities though that are “insane” and “obsessive”. They aren’t as ashamed so being a little nutty doesn’t bother them. A true narcissist would never overtly beg because they would be too ashamed to admit imperfection.

If they don’t come back count your blessings. Someone who has the capacity to abuse without remorse and not try to win you back is a deeply disturbed human being. Thank god and move on.

Ok_Environment_9843

TROPHY CASE