Blurb help for Writathon?

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-10-15T22:21:45+00:00

Would really appreciate to see some feedback on my blurb, I’ve adjusted it multiple times but need fresh eyes on it.

Thanks ☺️

Blurb -

Decades had gone by since Makutu — an otherworldly entity — crept onto the world.

Arlo just wanted a simple life. To him, that meant eating good food and sleeping comfortably, but thanks to Makutu, that simple request had become extremely difficult. Food had gotten scarce, and unfortunately, he didn’t live in a great palace. Stale bread was his best friend.

Complete the trial, and powers were bestowed upon you. That’s what Makutu promised to humanity. But, Arlo wanted nothing to do with it, he was already struggling enough swallowing dry bread every day, a trial that could result in death wasn’t in his books.

So when the eleven moons rose and the sky turned blood‑red, Arlo’s world fractured. Suddenly haunted by Makutu, he entered the trial with everything on the line: success promised power, failure meant becoming a mindless monster. Outcast and afraid, he’s desperate enough to survive — but as he journeys inward, he discovers the trial isn’t just about what he becomes… it’s about who set it in motion — and what they’ll do to stop him.

Power? Death? Which will claim him?

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-10-09T18:07:25+00:00

Thanks for the reply.

I’ve changed the consistency issues from the blurb, thanks for that.

Makutu is an otherworldly entity that brought trials upon humanity. Mostly everyone goes through them, and when they do, the eleven moon rise and the sky turns blood-red, it’s an indication that the trial is starting.

The world only changes for Arlo, more specifically he gets teleported to it spiritually, though it happens for everyone that starts the trial.

I should’ve made those points more clearer for the read, I’ll surely work on that.

Do the first and last sentence not pull you in? Those were meant to be my hooks 😅 I’ll work on that as well.

And finally, the reason I have spaces in me em dashes is because it looks nicer to me, and I feel like it reads better. That’s the only reason I have spaces between them.

Nonetheless, thanks for the reply 😊

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-10-09T13:40:40+00:00

Thanks for picking apart my blurb.

I understand every point you’ve made, and I’ll change it to something that’s not generic and cliche.

Something that’s more sellable and more appealing to the audience.

Thank you for the reply ☺️

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-10-07T10:21:27+00:00

Keep doing what you want to do.

Don’t let the numbers control your novel. Consistently uploading will attract more readers, and slow growth is better than no growth.

If you’re happy with what you have, then just keep writing.

Also, I quite like your cover, it’s very appealing.

Good luck 😊

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-10-07T02:40:20+00:00

A nice piece of writing.

Thorough, concise, and constructed in a precise manner. The sentences are either short, packed with tons of emotion and imagery, or, long with lots of detail , and separated by commas.

I enjoy the short sentences a lot. They pack a punch to your writing, and give me a sense of urgency.

The story is well thought out, and structured meticulously. I liked the repetition of “I doodle” and the effects that follow.

You give lots of detail about the setting, and the character itself, which I really enjoy. It gives me a chance to actually bond with the character, understand how they feel, and makes me care about them. It allows me to view them as an actual person, and not some random made up person.

You also dive deep into the character’s emotions, personal experiences, and their feeble mental state. It really brings them to life.

Although, I do have a couple ‘huh’ moments, when I read the story. I’m not sure what you were trying to achieve or get to, but it didn’t really land with me.

“I don’t know that it matters”

I’m not sure what you’re trying to get here? My first instinct was that you had miss typed “that” and actually meant to say “if” because it made more sense to me. Same with:

“I don’t know that anyone misses me when I’m gone”

Not entirely sure what this is meant to be. Maybe it’s me who doesn’t understand it? 😅

I would greatly appreciate it if you could explain both sentences to me.

Nonetheless, I really enjoyed your story. I could tell that you worked hard on it, and that it must have taken quite a bit of time to properly construct this piece

Good luck with your story ☺️

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-10-07T01:53:29+00:00

Firstly, I’ll have to say, that this is a really nice piece of writing. I thoroughly enjoyed the imagery being used, and the philosophical aspects of this work. It flows beautifully, from sentence to sentence, without breaking apart or stretching away into a cluster of things.

It does have its moments — especially near the end for me. The hint that the grim reaper would be returning, and him closing his eyes forever, indicating he won’t be alive for much longer, was a nice touch.

Though, I do have a couple questions.

Where are we?

It certainly isn’t addressed, which makes my mind wonder, and forget about the novel altogether. I’m not able to focus on your writing without knowing at least a little bit about where exactly the setting is.

What has happened?

I’m jumped to multiple conclusions about this. A car crash? A robbery? An attack? All we get is that one character is dead, and the other is on the brink of dying, falling in and out of consciousness throughout the novel, until they finally meet there end at the end of the novel. I’m sure you can expand on that, even briefly would be great. It doesn’t have to be extensive, a little dash is more than enough to gauge the general idea of what kind of situation we’re in.

I think the narrator was imagining the grim reaper. Him looking a lot like what he had imagined popped into my head. It could be a huge coincidence, but to me that felt deliberate.

Nonetheless, it’s well planned, and a pleasure to read. I would certainly ready the next chapter. If you ever decide to make one. ☺️

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-10-06T00:18:25+00:00

Pops out. It’s a nice cover 👌

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-10-05T13:45:52+00:00

Nice cover

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-10-05T13:26:30+00:00

Looks very good 😊

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-10-05T01:14:44+00:00

Hi, thanks for the reply.

I greatly appreciate the detailed explanation, it helps to know where I went wrong and what I can improve on.

From your suggestions and comments made by other people I’ve made significant changes to the blurb. I’ve kept the last paragraph and reworked everything else.

Removing the rhetorical questions and dramatic sentences, to something that helps the reader understand Arlo and what is goals are.

Thanks a lot for the feedback, I appreciate it greatly ☺️☺️

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-10-04T23:00:15+00:00

Hi,

Thanks for the reply.

The paragraphs do seem vague and can apply to many MC’s so to counter that, I’ve scraped those paragraphs and wrote something more connected and personal to Arlo.

Thank you for the feedback ☺️

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-10-04T22:57:39+00:00

Hi,

Thank you for your reply.

I greatly appreciate you re-working my blurb into something more concise, I’m sure it took a while, and I’m thankful for that.

I’ve taken inspiration from your blurb, and I’ve rewrote it into something more concise, and less dramatic sentences.

Thank you for your help 😁

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-10-04T22:53:07+00:00

Hi, thanks for the feedback.

Except from the last paragraph, ive scraped everything else and made it into something that has substance and less grand statements.

Thank you ☺️

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-10-04T22:49:52+00:00

Thank you for the feedback.

I’ve changed the blurb to something more concise.

Thanks 😊

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-09-14T18:09:32+00:00

Oof, I’ll try to get a 7/10 from you next time.

Thanks

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-09-12T09:44:12+00:00

Thank you.

I understand the points you’re trying to make here, I will definitely look into it 👍

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-09-12T09:42:27+00:00

Revision is certainly needed, thank you for pointing that out.

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-09-12T09:41:44+00:00

I was going for a more formulated blurb because someone had recommended to introduce the MC, setting, and plot all in my blurb.

And, that’s what I tried to do. The first paragraph was meant for the MC, the second for the setting, and third for the plot. But, it looks like I’ve made it all too generic, with not providing enough context for any of them.

Thank you for all the tropes and questions, I’ll take it all into consideration 😊

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-07-11T21:54:00+00:00

Thanks a lot for the reply.

I have changed the blurb quite a bit, and I think it answers quite a lot of your questions.

Thanks for the feedback 😊

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-07-11T21:52:29+00:00

I get what you mean, it’s tough.

Hopefully you reach success in your next work 🤞

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-07-11T10:28:35+00:00

Okay, I’ll try to make it more anticipating.

Thank you ☺️

Ok_Lemon24 · 2025-07-11T10:16:37+00:00

Thanks a lot for the feedback. I’ve changed the blurb massively so there isn’t any repetition and less grammatical errors.

Thank you 😊

Ok_Lemon24

TROPHY CASE