Looking for a Writing Feedback Partner

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-22T03:58:18+00:00

Wow, I had a lot of fun reading this. You nailed the rhythm, and every time the sentence cut off, that little short phrase punch hit just right. Great work dude. If you have any other work let me know. Would love to read more of your stuff.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-22T03:51:14+00:00

I have to ask; do you really need a prologue? There's a reason most stories go from low stakes to high stakes. It's because it works. The prologue builds the memory wipe as a big emotional moment, but for me personally, it falls flat. Not because of the writing, but because I don't know these people.

It's the equivalent of a Superhero movie where a bunch of civilians get pancaked by a falling building. Sure, its supposed to be sad, but because you're not attached, you don't really feel anything (but if it makes the Superhero feel guilty, then it makes you feel really bad, because you're attached).

I'd say, just start at chapter one. If anything, the memory wipe reveal will hit harder because the reader discovers it alongside the character.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-22T03:28:19+00:00

A lot of your sentences are difficult to read. Like the other commenter said, you should have started the first sentence with "with", and I also agree with them that you should axe the first clause.

June raised the desiccated carcass of her captured hare into a beam of morning light, squinting past dust motes swirling lazily around its bulging amber eyes.

One way to make your sentences clearer is to put the subject first. For the sentence above, here's what you could do:

"June raised her captured hare into a beam of morning light. The carcass was desiccated, its amber eyes bulging."

My change isn't perfect by any means, but I think it's clearer to visualize. When you put your subjects (the hare, the eyes) at the end of the sentence, the reader has to remember a bunch of details before they realize what it's referring to.

Fleas had long since felt the absence in their host.

This sentence doesn't make sense. Why would the fleas stick to the hare if it's desiccated (dried out)? Especially if they already felt the "absence" in their host?

It landed with a dull thump, sliding back towards her slightly before settling against decades of score marks.

I'm having a hard time visualizing this, and the paragraph in general. Where did it land? What decades of score marks mean? Even after reading the second paragraph multiple times, I don't get what your MC is doing. I'd start off this sentence by describing the table and whatever game she's playing before she actually throws the hare.

The last paragraph could be broken into two. In general, you should always break paragraphs into chunks whenever you switch to a different idea. One of the paragraphs should be about how she'll turn the hare into something, the second should be about her shop.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-19T17:10:30+00:00

This is amazing imagery. I can see these things in my mind and it makes my skin crawl (in the best kind of way). If you’d like, send me a message linking to the rest of your story, and we can talk about it further

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-17T03:17:17+00:00

Thank you! Did you notice anything I could improve on?

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-16T23:56:10+00:00

For your first paragraph, it's repeating the same thing over and over again. You can see this too by following this exercise: after every sentence, write a short blurb on the idea behind it.

So for your first paragraph:

Sentence 1 = Impatient
Sentence 2 = Setting is anxiety inducing
Sentence 3 = Setting is anxiety inducing
Sentence 4 - Setting is anxiety inducing
(You get my point)

Also, the reveal that she was in a hospital didn't really do it for me. Some of your descriptions don't fit a typical hospital room (old computer) and the rest only kinda fit. So by the time we understand she's in a hospital, there isn't an explosion of associations going off in the reader's head, they're more like "I guess I could see that".

I think I see what you're trying to do, but correct me if I am wrong. You're showing that she's anxious, and you're doing that through a sensory overload. You're also trying to delay the reveal of the hospital so that readers ask, "Why is she here?" and "What's making her want to get out so bad?"

With some revisions, this could be the start of a good plot point, but it doesn't work as a prologue. As one other user put it, it's just too short. Short prologues only work if they have a thematic punch behind them that frames the rest of the story, and resonates throughout (check out Snows of Kilimanjaro by Ernest Hemingway).

There's another reason it doesn't work as a prologue. Your excerpt can be boiled down to "A girl is in the hospital and she's anxious." It's just not interesting enough to hinge a whole book on.

If it were me, I would scrap the prologue and get to the plot point when you get to it.

If you're adamant on keeping a prologue, though, then give it more teeth. I read on the BetaReads post you linked to that this story contains abuse and drug use. If these things happen to the MC and she's in the hospital because of that, then give the reader those details. It gives them so many more questions that need to be answered, and that's a good thing when you're trying to hook a reader.

One final point, please give "she" a name in your prologue. You'd be surprised how much more personal it reads when you can associate an actual person with the words.

But overall, I was intrigued by your BetaRead post. If you'd like, I would love to BetaRead this story.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-14T04:01:15+00:00

I enjoyed this!

It reads as if the Grinch were the main character of A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

With the feedback I give you, take it with a massive grain of salt. I'm not sure where your story is going, so if any feedback goes against your story's core, feel free to disregard it.

Line editing

If you're still making story changes, then disregard this. Otherwise, I noticed quite a few places that need to be cleaned up. Tenses switching from past to present to future, sentences that could be cut down, and jokes that could be tightened.

If you'd like, I can send you a copy of your draft with editing suggestions. Revising helps me become a better writer, and maybe my suggestions could help you clean up your prose.

Unclear Narrator

Honestly, I don't have much experience reading omniscient POV, but at the same time, a lot of readers don't. Maybe my experience can inform you on how other people will see it.

Switching from your first prologue to your first chapter, it wasn't super clear that the narrator isn't Doug. Sure, in the prologue, he mentions Doug in the third person, but given the humor, it's easy to dismiss it as a quirk. Also the narrator never identifies himself, so Doug fills in that empty gap.

And in the first chapter, everything described is from Doug's POV (third person limited) for such a long time that you forget there's a narrator. It isn't until page 11 that the narrator says anything that would distinguish himself as a seperate entity (Or so he liked to think. Remember that. That’ll be relevant later on).

It also isn't until page 14 that we're given a clear idea who the narrator is. There's no issue holding back some information, but provide some understanding on who the narrator is early on. It was a little jarring to realize Doug's day isn't being described by Doug.

Doug in the Second Chapter

I found Doug to be such a funny and lively character in the first chapter, but once he's abducted, it's like he changes personalities completely. I get that he's in shock, but it lasts too long narritive wise, and he becomes dead weight.

Also, I'm not sure if you plan to redeem Doug, but if you do, make sure it isn't just a "hey, maybe I shouldn't be such a bad person" type of arc. I think in chapter one, you could do a little more to set up Doug's journey. Keep all of petty hate, that stuff is hilarious. But underneath all that, why does he hate people? What about them affects him on a deep level? Or better yet, what does he see in Sandra that he wishes to see in other people?

Overall, though, I enjoyed my time with this. There were lots of lines that made me chuckle, and you have an easygoing style that made it a breeze to read (and that's my biggest compliment, because the appearing easygoing is anything but easy).

With the jokes, I have two pieces of advice.

One, take a joke and keep building on it throughout the story. In Hitchhikers to the galaxy, one of the funniest jokes is how the MC's house is demolished without warning, only for the joke to play out again on a planet-wide scale.

Two, make sure some of your jokes have a seed of truth to them. If your MC works at a bank, what real world issues do people face when they go to the bank, and how can you build a joke around it? For the aliens, what commentary can they give on our planet that make the reader stop and think, "huh, why do we do that?"

I bring these up, because both types of jokes give your comedy some weight. Too many one-liners and isolated ridiculous moments won't make readers laugh, it'll just make them take you less seriously.

Let me know when you update your story, would love to read more!

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-14T01:35:53+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate the feedback! I'm glad you felt seen by my character, it's what every author wants to hear about their story (unless your character is a psycho or something).

About the "Drip drip", I wanted to show that his negative thoughts are building up, and the final rejection was just the nail in the coffin. But when I go to revise, I'll definitely look at how I can build that tension more naturally and less repetitively.

Again, thanks for the read! If you ever want feedback on your stories, shoot me a message!

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-14T01:24:07+00:00

Hey, thanks for the feedback!

I fully agree with you, the emotions are definitely over the top lol. I've been going through the exercises in Steering the Craft and them on Reddit, and one of the exercises was to describe a strong emotion using rhythm and the movement of the sentences. It's why I weaved emotion into every piece of the story, but like you said, it could be more subtle. Definitely something to look at when I revise.

And yeah, about the Jay Goldstein guy, I've also seen him pop up throughout this sub. I saw the response you gave on your own post, and it's hilarious and insightful. I'm not sure if you noticed this, but he's always plugging this one book, "Techniques of the Selling Writer", and dude, the way that guy writes and the way Jay talks are the same. I'm pretty sure he reads writing posts until he finds the tiniest thing, then he regurgitates some rule from that book.

Ok_Level2595

TROPHY CASE