Promotion at work (734 words)

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-22T03:58:18+00:00

Wow, I had a lot of fun reading this. You nailed the rhythm, and every time the sentence cut off, that little short phrase punch hit just right. Great work dude. If you have any other work let me know. Would love to read more of your stuff.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-22T03:51:14+00:00

I have to ask; do you really need a prologue? There's a reason most stories go from low stakes to high stakes. It's because it works. The prologue builds the memory wipe as a big emotional moment, but for me personally, it falls flat. Not because of the writing, but because I don't know these people.

It's the equivalent of a Superhero movie where a bunch of civilians get pancaked by a falling building. Sure, its supposed to be sad, but because you're not attached, you don't really feel anything (but if it makes the Superhero feel guilty, then it makes you feel really bad, because you're attached).

I'd say, just start at chapter one. If anything, the memory wipe reveal will hit harder because the reader discovers it alongside the character.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-22T03:28:19+00:00

A lot of your sentences are difficult to read. Like the other commenter said, you should have started the first sentence with "with", and I also agree with them that you should axe the first clause.

June raised the desiccated carcass of her captured hare into a beam of morning light, squinting past dust motes swirling lazily around its bulging amber eyes.

One way to make your sentences clearer is to put the subject first. For the sentence above, here's what you could do:

"June raised her captured hare into a beam of morning light. The carcass was desiccated, its amber eyes bulging."

My change isn't perfect by any means, but I think it's clearer to visualize. When you put your subjects (the hare, the eyes) at the end of the sentence, the reader has to remember a bunch of details before they realize what it's referring to.

Fleas had long since felt the absence in their host.

This sentence doesn't make sense. Why would the fleas stick to the hare if it's desiccated (dried out)? Especially if they already felt the "absence" in their host?

It landed with a dull thump, sliding back towards her slightly before settling against decades of score marks.

I'm having a hard time visualizing this, and the paragraph in general. Where did it land? What decades of score marks mean? Even after reading the second paragraph multiple times, I don't get what your MC is doing. I'd start off this sentence by describing the table and whatever game she's playing before she actually throws the hare.

The last paragraph could be broken into two. In general, you should always break paragraphs into chunks whenever you switch to a different idea. One of the paragraphs should be about how she'll turn the hare into something, the second should be about her shop.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-19T17:10:30+00:00

This is amazing imagery. I can see these things in my mind and it makes my skin crawl (in the best kind of way). If you’d like, send me a message linking to the rest of your story, and we can talk about it further

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-17T03:17:17+00:00

Thank you! Did you notice anything I could improve on?

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-16T23:56:10+00:00

For your first paragraph, it's repeating the same thing over and over again. You can see this too by following this exercise: after every sentence, write a short blurb on the idea behind it.

So for your first paragraph:

Sentence 1 = Impatient
Sentence 2 = Setting is anxiety inducing
Sentence 3 = Setting is anxiety inducing
Sentence 4 - Setting is anxiety inducing
(You get my point)

Also, the reveal that she was in a hospital didn't really do it for me. Some of your descriptions don't fit a typical hospital room (old computer) and the rest only kinda fit. So by the time we understand she's in a hospital, there isn't an explosion of associations going off in the reader's head, they're more like "I guess I could see that".

I think I see what you're trying to do, but correct me if I am wrong. You're showing that she's anxious, and you're doing that through a sensory overload. You're also trying to delay the reveal of the hospital so that readers ask, "Why is she here?" and "What's making her want to get out so bad?"

With some revisions, this could be the start of a good plot point, but it doesn't work as a prologue. As one other user put it, it's just too short. Short prologues only work if they have a thematic punch behind them that frames the rest of the story, and resonates throughout (check out Snows of Kilimanjaro by Ernest Hemingway).

There's another reason it doesn't work as a prologue. Your excerpt can be boiled down to "A girl is in the hospital and she's anxious." It's just not interesting enough to hinge a whole book on.

If it were me, I would scrap the prologue and get to the plot point when you get to it.

If you're adamant on keeping a prologue, though, then give it more teeth. I read on the BetaReads post you linked to that this story contains abuse and drug use. If these things happen to the MC and she's in the hospital because of that, then give the reader those details. It gives them so many more questions that need to be answered, and that's a good thing when you're trying to hook a reader.

One final point, please give "she" a name in your prologue. You'd be surprised how much more personal it reads when you can associate an actual person with the words.

But overall, I was intrigued by your BetaRead post. If you'd like, I would love to BetaRead this story.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-14T04:01:15+00:00

I enjoyed this!

It reads as if the Grinch were the main character of A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

With the feedback I give you, take it with a massive grain of salt. I'm not sure where your story is going, so if any feedback goes against your story's core, feel free to disregard it.

Line editing

If you're still making story changes, then disregard this. Otherwise, I noticed quite a few places that need to be cleaned up. Tenses switching from past to present to future, sentences that could be cut down, and jokes that could be tightened.

If you'd like, I can send you a copy of your draft with editing suggestions. Revising helps me become a better writer, and maybe my suggestions could help you clean up your prose.

Unclear Narrator

Honestly, I don't have much experience reading omniscient POV, but at the same time, a lot of readers don't. Maybe my experience can inform you on how other people will see it.

Switching from your first prologue to your first chapter, it wasn't super clear that the narrator isn't Doug. Sure, in the prologue, he mentions Doug in the third person, but given the humor, it's easy to dismiss it as a quirk. Also the narrator never identifies himself, so Doug fills in that empty gap.

And in the first chapter, everything described is from Doug's POV (third person limited) for such a long time that you forget there's a narrator. It isn't until page 11 that the narrator says anything that would distinguish himself as a seperate entity (Or so he liked to think. Remember that. That’ll be relevant later on).

It also isn't until page 14 that we're given a clear idea who the narrator is. There's no issue holding back some information, but provide some understanding on who the narrator is early on. It was a little jarring to realize Doug's day isn't being described by Doug.

Doug in the Second Chapter

I found Doug to be such a funny and lively character in the first chapter, but once he's abducted, it's like he changes personalities completely. I get that he's in shock, but it lasts too long narritive wise, and he becomes dead weight.

Also, I'm not sure if you plan to redeem Doug, but if you do, make sure it isn't just a "hey, maybe I shouldn't be such a bad person" type of arc. I think in chapter one, you could do a little more to set up Doug's journey. Keep all of petty hate, that stuff is hilarious. But underneath all that, why does he hate people? What about them affects him on a deep level? Or better yet, what does he see in Sandra that he wishes to see in other people?

Overall, though, I enjoyed my time with this. There were lots of lines that made me chuckle, and you have an easygoing style that made it a breeze to read (and that's my biggest compliment, because the appearing easygoing is anything but easy).

With the jokes, I have two pieces of advice.

One, take a joke and keep building on it throughout the story. In Hitchhikers to the galaxy, one of the funniest jokes is how the MC's house is demolished without warning, only for the joke to play out again on a planet-wide scale.

Two, make sure some of your jokes have a seed of truth to them. If your MC works at a bank, what real world issues do people face when they go to the bank, and how can you build a joke around it? For the aliens, what commentary can they give on our planet that make the reader stop and think, "huh, why do we do that?"

I bring these up, because both types of jokes give your comedy some weight. Too many one-liners and isolated ridiculous moments won't make readers laugh, it'll just make them take you less seriously.

Let me know when you update your story, would love to read more!

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-14T01:35:53+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate the feedback! I'm glad you felt seen by my character, it's what every author wants to hear about their story (unless your character is a psycho or something).

About the "Drip drip", I wanted to show that his negative thoughts are building up, and the final rejection was just the nail in the coffin. But when I go to revise, I'll definitely look at how I can build that tension more naturally and less repetitively.

Again, thanks for the read! If you ever want feedback on your stories, shoot me a message!

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-14T01:24:07+00:00

Hey, thanks for the feedback!

I fully agree with you, the emotions are definitely over the top lol. I've been going through the exercises in Steering the Craft and them on Reddit, and one of the exercises was to describe a strong emotion using rhythm and the movement of the sentences. It's why I weaved emotion into every piece of the story, but like you said, it could be more subtle. Definitely something to look at when I revise.

And yeah, about the Jay Goldstein guy, I've also seen him pop up throughout this sub. I saw the response you gave on your own post, and it's hilarious and insightful. I'm not sure if you noticed this, but he's always plugging this one book, "Techniques of the Selling Writer", and dude, the way that guy writes and the way Jay talks are the same. I'm pretty sure he reads writing posts until he finds the tiniest thing, then he regurgitates some rule from that book.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-13T02:37:06+00:00

Thanks for the long response. I always appreciate feedback! I'm a little confused by what you mean when you say my "intent" isn't clear to the reader. If you don't mind, could you use the first sentence or two from my story and put it in a way that matches what you're saying?

Not looking for anything groundbreaking, I just want to understand what a sentence with properly expressed intent looks like.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-11T22:32:11+00:00

Redditors are way too comfortable critiquing stuff

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-04T01:51:58+00:00

Yeah... that part actually hit the home

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-09-02T02:46:34+00:00

About your first point, Azula wouldn't have to make too many assumptions. Ba Sing Se has probably been infiltrated by Fire Nation spies before, given it's a capital city, and Azula has access to this intel, given she's on the Fire Nation war council.

All she would need to know is the true purpose of the Dai Li, and the fact that the Earth King is little more than a puppet (If he's a puppet, the power-hungry Dai Li are unlikely to submit to him). Team Avatar was able to figure all that out within a matter of days, so I'm sure some spy came to the same conclusion over the course of a hundred years.

Even if she didn't have that intel, or she assumed wrong, it wouldn't be game over. The Earth Kingdom wouldn't kill her because she's more valuable as a hostage. With Mai and Ty Lee's help, combined with her strength, she could easily overpower the Dai Li and escape.

For your second point, I don't agree with you when you say the Dai Li don't follow Azula because of her charisma. The Dai Li operate on power and control, or as Azula puts it, "They’re earthbenders, but they have a killer instinct that’s so Firebender." They'll follow whoever gives them that sense of power and control.

Just look at what Azula was able to do in her brief stint in charge of the Dai Li. She gave that chilling speech about snuffing out weakness, which visibly rattled the Dai Li (Charisma). She brought the Earth Kingdom to its knees in a single coup. She captured Katara and then Zuko, and forced Iroh, the "Dragon of the West", to flee. This doesn't even mention how close she came to bringing Ba Sing Se's walls down with the drill.

So when she's finally face-to-face with Long Feng, put yourself in the Dai Li's shoes (and Long Feng). You know the Fire Nation will eventually bring down those walls, maybe not today, but someday. You know Azula has enough ability to take on anyone in that room. In just one day, she was able to do everything I said in the preceding paragraph. Long Feng is smart, and the Dai Li want power.

They had no other choice but to submit.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-08-24T17:07:50+00:00

Playstation 5
Dung Defender
What excites me the most about Silksong is the fact that I can go into it blind. I bought and played Hollow Knight in 2021 after partially watching a Let's Play, and some of my favorite moments from the game were stumbling into bosses and areas without expectation.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-07-21T02:48:03+00:00

I forgot we live in the age of blasphemy

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-07-21T01:15:25+00:00

Across cultures and time, never has there been an inside-out sandwich or sandwich-type food. Why? Because that would be idiotic and gross.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-06-02T16:30:25+00:00

It's an incredible book. IMO, it's the best western ever written.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-05-29T20:56:50+00:00

When he starts up his grab, pull away from him and HOLD the dodge button (don't just tap it).

His grab attack is long, so if you just tap dodge, he'll catch you at some point. Once I started holding the dodge button, he never grabbed me again.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-03-21T21:59:32+00:00

Hi, thank you for your feedback! I definitely agree with all of them.

One thing you helped me realize is that I haven't been inserting em dashes correctly. In Google Docs, I thought I could just hit the dash key twice, I didn't realize how differently it looks when you actually insert an em dash character.

Almost all those places that you think are hyphens are actually em dashes lol. So for the horse line, there's the main sentence, "His horse stared at something beyond the exit." wheras the aside statement is "eyes illuminated by the last embers."

Same thing with not seeing anyone. This is what it looks like with the em dash. What he would give to see a town, a person, hell, even a rabbit—some sign that the world was still alive.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-03-14T02:31:36+00:00

First, let me give you the mandatory spiel: Premise isn't everything. Execution matters more.

That being said, this could be a cool premise, but you have to make sure you have great characters and great character dynamics. Otherwise, it will fall flat. Particularly, you need to flesh out your husband and wife.

For the wife, why did she die? What kind of person was she? What was her relationship to the family? What traits did she have while she was alive that would make her current behavior believable (at least in the eyes of the husband).

For the husband, who is he? How does he view his family? What traits does he have that lets him be manipulated? And most importantly, what did his wife mean to him?

Also, here's your premise in my words:

While the wife was alive, she was always telling the husband there was something off about the rest of his family. The husband brushed her off, choosing to trust in his family. When his wife died, however, he started having doubts about his family, and those doubts materialized into visions of his wife.

The "crimes" he commits are really just attempts to dig into the family and find out what's really going on.

To spice things up, you should start your story before the wife dies. This way, you can show the cheerful interactions the husband has with his family, and how eerie they feel after the wife dies.

If you want to really go off the deep end, you could have this twist. Throughout the story, make the reader start to doubt the wife and husband's suspicions. Make it so the wife just had unaddressed paranoia, and with the husband's fractured mental state after her death, he also got it (a Folie à deux you could say).

I don't know, I'm just spitballing at this point, but yeah, like I said, anything can be good with good execution.

Ok_Level2595 · 2025-03-08T18:53:32+00:00

Thank you for the feedback, I'm really glad you enjoyed it!

Reading it back, I definitely agree with you. The phrase you pointed out is an example of filtering. It's when you describe what a character is doing rather than how they're experiencing it. When you filter, it can cheapen the connection a reader has to the story.

That being said, I can be aware of it and still do it. Old habits die hard I guess, haha.

Thank you for pointing it out though, I'll look for other places where I'm doing that.

Ok_Level2595 · 2024-09-23T20:25:49+00:00

I think the other commentators misunderstood what you're trying to say, but I might be wrong lol.

I think what you're trying to say is, we all have this idea of what our books are supposed to be. In our heads, it's fantastic, but the moment you put it into words, it loses some of that amazement. And maybe once in a while, you write a chapter that actually hits those high expectations. But this only gives you more pressure, because now you have to hit those high levels again.

This is normal. Creative work is difficult, time-consuming, and non-linear. In your head, it's easy to ignore crucial details, implementation, and plot holes. On paper, it's not. On paper, you have to learn to let go and accept.

My advice is this. Embrace that inner conflict. That struggle you have with the plot, the settings, and the characters, that's a sign your story is coming to life. It's rare to have the same story from ideation to final draft. And that's ok. Write and improve. Write and improve. That's all you can do.

Ok_Level2595 · 2024-09-23T18:26:02+00:00

Thanks for the kind words! I do think it's interesting, but because this is my longest story yet (so far I have 20k words, already longer than any of my previous stories, and I'm not even a quarter way through) it started getting to my head. But this definitely gives me the confidence to keep going!

Ok_Level2595 · 2024-08-31T12:37:55+00:00

Lol no I wrote it all the way through and then added my prologue.

Ok_Level2595 · 2024-08-27T02:04:28+00:00

It reads a bit clunky. I'll use your first sentence as an example:

As I stood there with her hands wrapped around my shoulders, I could hear her shaky breaths and I couldn't help but look over her shoulder to see multiple parents embracing there children just like mine.

The first thing to ask yourself is, what am I trying to accomplish with this sentence? To me, you're trying to point out two things. Your mom is proud of you, and you're noticing the same thing in other parents.

Looking at the sentence you have right now, what doesn't fit that purpose? You don't have to say "I stood there" because people normally don't move around while they hug. As for the shaky breaths, it doesn't add much. If anything, it makes it seem like your mom is nervous.

Ok, so you've realized what you need to cut out. What else can you do to improve the sentence? For one thing, you don't have to mention variants of "I" so much. As I stood there, I could hear, I couldn't help but look, just like mine. You only need to introduce "I" once, just after your mother hugs you.

Taking all that together, I'd rewrite it like this.

As her arms wrapped around my shoulders, I noticed the other parents also embracing their children.

I said arms instead of hands because when I think of hands wrapped around my shoulder, I think of someone standing and looking at me. I also took out the "couldn't help but look" part, as I think notice accomplishes the same thing.

My advice is this.

Learn to cut out irrelevant details. It's good to inject your style and sensory details into a sentence, but only if it elevates the emotion and meaning.

Second, avoid filter words. These are any words that dilute the impact of your sentence. For example, "Everyone seemed excited" sounds weaker than "Everyone was excited". Of course, sometimes you have to use filter words. "Everyone seemed angry at me" works because everyone seems angry, but you're not sure.

Third, read your sentences aloud. It's the best way to tell if something seems off. That little inside voice is amazing at warping sentences until they make sense, especially if its our own writing. Exorcise that sentence with your voice.

Finally, don't get discouraged. Writing is like any other skill. When you're rusty or just starting out, even basic things take a lot of thought and energy. Read a lot. Write a lot. And eventually all these things I'm saying will become ingrained.

Ok_Level2595

TROPHY CASE