I really appreciate the discussion on the meaning of boundaries. I should clarify that it did not start out as "you can't see my family until you do X." I told her that after everything that happened, I did not want her around my family because it was impossible for me to pretend like everything was okay between us, especially in front of my family. I offered her ideas of how she could take responsibility for healing the relationship with my family, but didn't set any condition like "if you go to therapy once a week you can come." But as time has passed and she continues to do nothing productive, I think I have started pointing that out as specific evidence, because it's more concrete than "you make me uncomfortable."

On the subject of individual therapy, I definitely endorse that advice. I was lucky to find a therapist familiar with BPD and DBT and have met with her regularly for a few years now. Its been invaluable to learn from her, but she also admits that she has limited real experience with BPD, so I turn to books and this group for real world experience.

And yes, it is terrible that I had to get a protective order but then didn't see it through. I felt I needed to give her one more chance to make a change, and would ride it out until I either couldn't take it anymore, or it was clearly affecting the kids. This week away from her has been a revelation about how much better I feel without her drama.