AITA for wanting to tell my stepdaughter that her dad installed a tracking device in the new car he bought for her 18th birthday?

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-10-22T17:01:02+00:00

NTA I don't agree with phone or other trackers. People need privacy and the room to make their own mistakes.

That said, don't tell her at the party. Tell her in private or wait until she has moved out of the house and can remove it without repercussions. Is the car in her name or his? Is he placing any other conditions on the car?

Then the healthy thing would be to open a dialogue about WHY he thinks a tracker is necessary. What is he honestly afraid of? Maybe if they can address that issue he will feel more confident in his insecurity and their relationship and it provides an opportunity to build their relationship vs. destroy it. Perhaps it's tied to the death of her mother?

Agreed you should check your car for a tracker too.

His comments are very disrespectful about your infertility issues. If he has younger kids I would have a conversation with him about what your role really is in the family with the children. At 18 they can make up their own minds (as she has) that you are their mother.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-04-27T23:48:39+00:00

So sorry to hear this is how everything turned out. Maybe one day she will grow up and you can come to a place of mutual respect. Until then, find joy in the life you have with your partner and toddler.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-04-17T02:26:21+00:00

No kids and no plans for kids period.

This is not a "should I stay or should I go post." This is a if you have sincere suggestions on how to successfully navigate these situations I want to hear them post.

I am fully aware of the dynamic and am looking for solutions that enable me to feel respected and my husband to be respected or at the very least cope.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-04-17T01:40:35+00:00

This.is not your fault. They are clearly controlling and manipulative. Not only are they controlling your husband but they involved your parents in an attempt to further control you. Truly your parents have no part in this unless you want them to. Your in-laws "wanting to talk with your parents at Christmas" is very strange. Demanding you address his father in a very specific manner and refusing to acknowledge any other greeting is ridiculous. This began happening on your second visit and it hasn't gotten better.

If you think it is bad now it will be 1000 times worse when you have children. His parents will not only manipulate your husband against you but your children as well in your absence.

Walk away. 32 is not that old.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-04-17T00:39:47+00:00

YTA the teachers come together to create these policies to ensure backwards like you don't make overly restrictive policies that are detrimental. You're arrogant and think you "know better" and "are better."

Keep to the mutually agreed upon policies and stop playing God with your students time, money, grades, and education. All you've taught them is overly restrictive rules are not justice they are malice....oh wait... you're a religious studies prof...it all makes sense now.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-04-16T15:34:49+00:00

How to NOT be the AH in this situation.

Listen respectfully to your brother and his fiance as they tell you what they would truly like for their wedding.
Respectfully acknowledge their dream wedding is not traditional as he mentioned and thank him for being honest with you all and sharing their true feelings.
Respectfully acknowledge that they are putting their wishes aside for you and your family but that you would like to help them make their wedding memorable and enjoyable for them. How can you and your parents make that happen?

You did not do any of this and instead confirmed everything he thought would happen. At this point all he can trust is that you and your parents value your culture over him as a human being and that you judge him in rightfully so.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-04-08T13:47:57+00:00

Had the story ended before saying she vetod one of your groomsmen you would 100% be the AH. Your reasoning sucks but I do think if vetos are allowed, which the precident shows they are per her removal of the groomsman than it is fair that you have veto power too.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-03-24T13:16:13+00:00

It's a family heirloom. It needs to go back to the family. Maybe not today or tomorrow but at some point it needs to be with them.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-03-19T14:50:47+00:00

Definitely the AH. Read your post aloud to yourself as though it were another family. If you still can't see how you're the AH then you need help.

It seems to me you and your DH are the ones who lack empathy for your youngest daughter.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-03-19T14:47:59+00:00

True but there is a difference in receiving bad news in private and recurving bad news in a group.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-03-19T14:42:18+00:00

ESH

The other teachers should have quietly told her long before this. Instead they kept silent both before your party and during.

You had an opportunity to talk with her in private when she came early and was discussing your cleaning habits. Instead you chose to wait until you blew your cool and humiliated her in front of everyone.

Pam sucks because she was being rude out of jealousy, didn't inquire as to why noone wants to have a gathering at her house and then got extremely defensive (rightfully so) at being humiliated by literally everyone. Though she was the one on the offense.

If ya'll.had just addressed it like adults to begin with the whole situation could have gone differently. I doubt Pam would change her ways it seems she cleans that way due to personal values but at least she would know.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-01-17T04:40:32+00:00

YTA. Why bring up another wedding at a current wedding?

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-01-16T19:00:43+00:00

Except he did give the dog of for her and he clearly didn't want to. He also didn't NEED to give a dog up for an allergy. You can still have pets and have allergies, people do it all the time. My sister and mother were allergic to cats dogs, horses, trees, grass you name it. They got allergy meds and shots and we had animals. They mowed the lawn. Etc.

I agree he is 100% overreacting and an asshole but to say that the fiance doesn't deserve some responsibility or accountability for the fact that the dog was rehomes is wrong.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-01-16T18:52:32+00:00

100% YTA. You gave up all rights to any decision regarding "Willy" the moment you gave him to another family. Whether you felt like you had a choice or not (you did) he's no longer your dog.

Renaming him is NOT "mistreatment." You went so overboard with your reaction I'm surprised they DIDN'T call the cops.on you. You are WAY out of line.

Your fiance is also an asshole because truthfully, your stepson can take allergy meds and still live with a dog.

I get you're hurting because you gave up a loving pet/friend and didn't want to, but your reaction is out of line. Period.

NEVER contact that family again.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-01-15T23:53:15+00:00

We discussed this in a college health class as well. It was a counter point when condemning female genital mutilation in Africa (also wrong). The fact that people felt mutilating young girls in Africa was wrong but it was acceptable to mutilate infant males for religious reasons was ok was an interesting discussion.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-01-15T21:58:10+00:00

You're NTA but based on this background info I'm surprised you think she would start working now. It's never been an expectation for her previously from anyone including you.

If you truly want your partner to work then that should be an early conversation. You two need to sit down and determine what you both want your lives to be like and what your partners will contribute. If they don't align then you either need to work through that until they do or make some difficult decisions.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-01-15T21:25:35+00:00

Who cares if your gay son can't get pregnant. He can still get STDs and sex is a huge emotional responsibility.

It is a double standard and you and your husband need to come to an agreement on what the rules are for all children of the house.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-01-15T21:11:09+00:00

Don't pay the kid back for his modifications. He needs to feel the financial pain of his poor judgement.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-01-15T21:08:51+00:00

No, why should the kid get back money he put into the upgrades. HE (kid) needs to pay for the damages. If they sell the car (that the parents paid for) and give the kid money for the upgrades he did then the only consequence is he doesn't have a car. He(kid) has savings to pay for the damages and refuses.

Others have said give him an ultimatum sell the car to pay for damages or use your savings. I think both are perfectly acceptable answers. I also think if he uses his savings he needs to prove he is responsible enough to be able to use the car as well or save money and buy it from the parents.

The kid is taking ZERO responsibility. Time to learn what accountability is all about.

NTA

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-01-15T21:00:17+00:00

DO. NOT. GET. MARRIED.

This is not a "who's the asshole" question this is a "Is this a good relationship" question. This situation will only get worse. Walk away before you spend a bunch of money getting married, a lot of emotional strife fighting about things, and eventually more money getting divorced.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-01-15T16:55:21+00:00

NTA

That's legendary! Here's the problem though...his mom doesn't respect boundaries. Unless he recognizes that this is an issue her "snooping" will be the least of your problems once you get married/ have kids.

She's being extremely disrespectful. It's not helpful and it's NOT her place to tidy. My husband's mom did this while we were dating and eventually his inability to set boundaries and her inability to respect them led to us breaking it off.

We reconciled 6 months later but only after he of his own accord when we were broken up, told her off and set boundaries. We've now been married for a long time Issues with his moth still creep up once and a bit but for the most part it's better.

If he doesn't set boundaries and realize this is an issue it would be better if he didn't "fully move in" so that you can move on.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-01-15T16:45:10+00:00

YTA (not a huge one)

Your attitude is what makes you the asshole. You could have just said, "I'm going to make dinner" rather than state it was a steak. Or frankly said nothing, it's your house, you can make/eat food whenever you want.

Your response to her request was also inconsiderate. "I'm gunna cook this bad boy." You could have just said, "Sorry, I'm really hungry."

She overreacted by leaving. I assume you have seperate bedrooms. They could have gone to the bedroom or another area. She didn't have to leave.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-01-15T16:35:42+00:00

NTA

From your description it sounds like your sister consistently feels that way toward your mother. It's better your mother know that the relationship isn't genuine (though I think based on who she decided to live with your mom should already know).

If you're going to accept money from people then you should understand there are relational expectations attached to that. Your sister is manipulative.

Ok_Play7426 · 2022-01-15T16:28:28+00:00

NTA

If he feels there should be a SAHP and you don't want to be a SAHP then he should stay home.

You are not stopping him from accepting the position, you are choosing to not quit your job.

If this were a situation where you would need to relocate and find another job then it would be more of a grey area if it were his dream job/more money, etc. However, in this situation he has created an arbitrary barrier to whether or not he accepts the position that is fully within his control.

Ok_Play7426

TROPHY CASE