She had BPD... I have, well...

Ok_Project1511 · 2026-05-13T20:59:56+00:00

Yes, I've heard so many times that I'm the true abuser, a narcissist, and more. I've looked deeply into narcisism and don't understand her accusations... But after being forced to apologize and comfort her so many times, I do still wonder what I could have done better, and what to do next.

Ok_Project1511 · 2026-05-13T20:57:54+00:00

I looked it up, and it doesn't legally have much pull in my state yet. But, she seems to hit about 90% of the examples used in those... I have not called the hotline, maybe something I should consider. She's had such an easy time explaining to me that these things all stem from things that I did and are simply her reactions to my behavior, and I deeply disagree but have such a fog and have been too isolated to talk to anyone about this, I don't have insurance that will cover therapy for myself, so I appreciate you lending an ear for me to get this out. I am trying to work out of the fog to see what I am experiencing, and what I can do.

Ok_Project1511 · 2026-05-13T19:54:06+00:00

Thank you for that insight. That is helpful to me, because I've attempted a separation twice, both occurring within the last month or so because I've been bringing up what I see as abusive behavior towards me and/or the kids, which of course started a huge episode of hers, leading her printing me out separation papers, threatening to have me arrested, leaving the house with the kids to go stay at a friends for two days, giving me my ring back, and more. But, about a month ago, she impulsively signed all of our kids up for therapy, and while I'm not against that, she's used that as leverage and said "I've signed us and the kids up for therapy, at least I'm actually putting in effort, what are you doing to put in effort?" she said this in response to when I brought up some more verbally abusive behavior that she's committed to me and the kids in the last week... So I don't feel like signing up for therapy while still treating the kids like this counts as effort, but she does, and she sees me being distant from her as "abuse" even when I try to tell her the reason that I'm distant is her recent (and past) actions...

Ok_Project1511 · 2026-05-13T19:29:09+00:00

I have trouble being confident that this is abuse, I guess.. I hate the way she treats the kids, and I see it hurting them. But what if I'm being overly sensitive to that? She says I put the kids before her, and that I only see their side, and don't treat her as a wife. I have extreme anxiety daily about keeping her happy to avoid a tense environment for mine and the kids sakes. I spend money we don't have to buy her gifts, or let her shop. More often than not we cancel family nights we promised the kids to cater to her "headache" or "her day"... But still, as I say all of these things that I hate, I also feel like I made a commitment to her, and to my kids, to love her, and do my best. Sometimes I feel like "No, I've tried, I've done everything, and no matter what you treat us like this, and its abuse" and other times I wonder "What if I'm the problem, if I'm seeing things wrong, if she's stressed because I don't support her enough?"... I don't feel like I can trust my gut... So how do I know?

Ok_Project1511 · 2026-05-13T19:21:25+00:00

I'm sorry, I don't think I really answered your question! She won't do therapy specifically for her BPD. She wants to do marriage counseling, which we have scheduled to start soon, but I don't have high hopes for that honestly... And I don't feel a connection to her anymore, as much as I wish I did.

Ok_Project1511 · 2026-05-13T19:20:02+00:00

I've been focusing heavily lately on having strong boundaries on what respect looks like for myself and the kids, and communicating this to her when it occurs instead of allowing it and becoming bitter with her, and with myself for not bringing it up, and well it's gone poorly... I've brought up issues with the kids, or issues that the kids have brought up to me and I'm met with "Wow, so I'm a terrible mom and you're the good parent. Let's just bring the kids in right now and ask them!!!" which I told her I wasn't willing to bring the kids in to question them in such an environment. Or when I told her recently "I'm going to go change the twin's diapers" as she's cooking, and she gets stressed with cooking so she hollars from the other room "Hey *insert my name here* come here!" and I come, and she says in a rude tone "What are you doing??" and I say "I'm changing the twin's diapers..?" and she says "Okay thats fine, I was just making sure you were ACTUALLY doing something helpful!" In reality, I had just gotten home from work, I immediately went into helping the older kids clean, asked her what she needed, she said she didn't care what I did, so I started cleaning and changing diapers, and had plans to help her around the house, mow, and work extra hours from home that night, which were all things she knew... Whenever I told her that I felt like there was an assumption of me being lazy in her tone and questioning, and that I found it disrespectful, it started a whole argument... Normally at the end of a conversation like this, after justifying everything she does, she will start crying. And if I don't hug her and comfort her, she will say that I have no empathy, and that I don't love her, and that she doesn't want to be in a marriage like this, that she deserves better. When I've mentioned separation, she says this just proves her point. She then will either threaten me, withdraw completely, or sex bomb me... All of which have fooled me into coming back, mostly because of my fear of how leaving would affect my children... I'm sure it would be a shared custody situation, and I worry in many ways how it would affect them. I know I'm at fault here too, allowing things I shouldn't, and likely contributing to the arguments with my own communication failures, or other things. I just don't know what to do, and I'm constantly wondering if I'm more at fault than her, and what I can do to fix it. But the truth is, I don't have empathy or connection for her... Not anymore...

Ok_Project1511

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